


Starship Skaia: Boldly going where you actually probably shouldn't go

by TheLadySyk0



Series: The New Alternia [1]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: AU, Aliens, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Captain John - Freeform, Cultural Misunderstandings, Cute Kids, Exploration, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Funny, Hot Dad, Humor, Hurt/Comfort, Misunderstandings, Multi, Past Divorce, Pining, Rescue Missions, Romance, Rose just figured out she was a lesbian, Slow Burn, Space AU, Spaceships, Star Trek - Freeform, Teamwork, badassery, badasses in space, co-captain Karkat, cuteness, getting drunk off maple syrup, humans are actually badass, jalepenos are some of the most deadly things in the galaxy, they're cool tho, trolls can do that, whaddup
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-06-04
Updated: 2018-06-15
Packaged: 2018-07-12 04:19:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 23
Words: 151,264
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7085458
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheLadySyk0/pseuds/TheLadySyk0
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A joint scientific exploration between the Trolls and the humans. The alliance between the two races is tentative. Can our heroes weather exploring strange new planets, enemy attacks and hilarious cultural misunderstandings? fuck i hope so.</p><p>There is now a connected blog for this series called "The new Alternia Series" on tumblr with illustrations by CyanideOreos, updates and fun extras!</p><p>Also if you like the illustrations for this series consider commissioning the artist herself! you can find our lovely artist at CyanideOreos on tumblr!</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Debriefing

A tall brutish looking cobalt-blood stands in front of the classroom.His long horns show his age, curling off into intimidating points, scars line his body, old scars from what must have been claws run down half of his face, the injury had turned one eye milky with blindness. A spotlight shown over the stage where he stood at the podium casting wan lights over his face. Hundreds of trolls were gathered here in worried near-silence, hushed whispers ran through the audience.

The troll raised his hand and the murmurs hushed.

“My job.” The cobalt began “Is to keep you incompetent shit-heads alive.”

He looked hard into the audience. “And that means knowing EXACTLY what you will be dealing with.”

He stalked across the podium. “Before the reign of empress Feferi I gathered intelligence on enemy aliens destined for conquest, learned their strengths and weaknesses before sending in combat teams.”

He pressed a button on a remote control and a large presentation panel flickered to life behind him.

“THIS.” he pressed a button and the picture of a white suburban mom talking on a cell phone filled the screen along with the word “HUMAN” emblazoned across the picture in bright red letters.

The audience gasped.

“IS A HUMAN!”

The cobalt shook his head “Don’t be fooled by their colorful and soft-looking cute exterior, these are VICIOUS and DANGEROUS creatures!”

The cobalt commander looked out into the audience. “The alliance with the humans is tenuous. While we need these creatures to help solve the grub crisis, now that grub culling is ‘inappropriate’ and ‘wrong’ under the new regime we desperately need lusii for the exploding grub population.”

He extended a pointer and smacked the picture of the human right on the forehead “THESE CREATURES HAVE LUSUSING CAPABILITIES!”

“They are an asset to the troll race and the insurance of the new generation and because of this our government is trading vast amounts of technology to gain their assistance.”

“Fucking stupid if you ask me but what the fuck ever.”

“You have all volunteered to be crew on a joint scientific expedition with the humans on the starship Skaia. You will be LIVING with the humans, EATING with the humans and BREATHING with the humans.”

He snorted and broke his pointer in half with a loud crack “AND IF YOU WANT A SLUG-LUSUS’ CHANCE IN THE DESERT OF SURVIVING THIS YOU WILL FUCKING LISTEN TO WHAT I HAVE TO SAY!”

 

In a similar classroom across galaxies another teacher stood in front of a podium.

“Oh hi!” the woman smiled and adjusted her glasses over pale blue eyes “i’m so glad to see so many of you could make it! I’m so excited to teach you about our new intergalactic neighbors!”

She shuffled some papers on her desk and clicked on the projector. A picture of a very confused rust-blooded troll in the middle of chewing what looked like some sort of food filled the screen with the words “A summary of Trolls! Alternian anatomy and culture!!”

She tucked a piece of hair behind her ear. “My name is doctor Connie Stevens and today we’ll be learning about Trolls!”

She nodded excitedly “Oh it was so EXCITING when they made contact didn’t they? What with them needed our help to raise their young and the space travel and the aliens and oh my goodness!”

She calmed herself down. “You’ve all volunteered for the human-Troll joint scientific expedition!” She fixed her students with a serious gaze “You will all be some of the first to work with aliens! You will be ambassadors of our race in all that you do so please act accordingly! We don’t want to upset or embarrass our new alien friends!”

 

The cobalt blood clicked his remote and a picture filled the screen. He was dressed in so much armor he looked like an iron tortoise. He stood battle-ready, suspicious and with his hand near his battle-axe in what looked like a public park on Earth. A couple with a babystroller looked at him curiously as they walked by and two children played with a brightly colored ball in the background. “I have conducted extensive studies of the humans and their behaviors!”

 

Doctor Stevens also clicked the little button on her remote. She was on what looked like an Alternian marketplace, the troll residents looking warily at each other dressed in light armor and dark cloaks. Doctor Stevens in contrast was dressed in a tank top, khaki pants and a fanny pack, a camera on a strap around her neck. She was holding out a grub gleefully while another grub sat on top of her head. The trolls around her gave her some disgusted and panicked looks at her dress and the grubs on her. “I went on an anthropological trip to Alternia! Also those are my adopted grubs Jeremy and Tyler!”

A round of “dawws” went through the human audience.

 

The cobalt-blood paced agitated across the stage. “The first mammals ever on Earth lived only 60 million years ago.” a picture of a shrew-like creature showed up on the presentation. “Then the first primate 34 million years ago!” A picture of a small monkey “Eosimias” showed on screen. “ONLY 6 million years ago they were COMPLETELY indistinguishable from THIS!” on the screen a picture of a chimpanzee in a dress with a bow on top of her head appeared. “TROLLS WERE ALREADY WELL INTO THEIR PRE-CELESTIAL ERA BY THEN AND THEY WERE STILL IN TREES!”

 

Doctor Stevens shrugged where she stood at the podium. “Trolls show a distinct mix of mammalian and insectoid traits, Trolls have a large brain for their body size like primates and movable ears that remind me of donkeys...anywho the previous troll regime destroyed a lot of paleontological evidence regarding the evolution of Trolls on Alternia in order to push a narrative that Trolls are an always were a superior species.”

 

“I MEAN LOOK AT IT!” The cobalt screamed at the picture of the chimpanzee wearing a dress “WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT???”

 

Doctor Stevens clicked through her presentation. “Some finds recently show a Troll ancestor that had an extra pair of arms and a considerable amount of insect-like plating across their bodies. They evolved from creatures much like giant ants…”

 

The cobalt was still angrily pointing at the Chimpanzee in a dress, her dopey pursed lips seemed to taunt him. “WHAT THE FUCK EVEN ARE YOU?????”

 

Doctor Stevens shuffled her papers. “Trolls live in a rigid caste system called a “hemospectrum” ranging from a dark red to the bright fuschia blood of the empress. We know through blood analysis that the color variation is due to differing amounts chemicals in the blood. This is a variation that came about in response to Alternia’s climate. The chemicals allow for different ranges of temperature tolerance. The fuschia blood color was an adaptation for deep-sea living, the violet blood for shallower waters, the higher on the hemospectrum the closer to the ocean they were adapted to live all the way to rust-bloods who are adapted to arid desert climates and have the highest heat tolerance of all Trolls. The higher a troll is on the hemospectrum the stronger they are most likely to be physically and that combined with the economic advantages of trade and food that the sea provides over millennia became the rigid system that we see today.”

 

The cobalt blood showed a picture of various humans stepping on grass next to a “please don’t step on the grass” sign. “Humans do not have the inherent biological order that we have supporting our species. Humans once tried to impose a caste system based on SKIN of all stupid things but humans do not like being told to do anything by anyone. They are inherent rebels. I’m actually GLAD we didn’t meet them when it was still protocol to enslave new races because i would HATE to be the one to try and control these raging maniacs. Fuck you could ask a human to stop eating something because it is LITERALLY clogging their systems and leading to an early death, and all they would do is laugh in your face and flip you off.”

“Humans engage in something called “Democracy” where “Candidates” do battle to show their strength and cunning to the populace in hopes that they will “vote” them in as their chosen leaders but humans ARE NEVER HAPPY with these ruthless contests and will start the process over again four years later in a futile never-ending gladiatorial match for leadership.”

 

Connie clicked through her presentation. “Trolls may be more imposing physically, a rust-blooded troll is usually on par with the average human in terms of strength, their skin thicker and their bones more dense.. Trolls have very low stamina. Their day cycle is shorter than it is on Earth for one thing which means less time in between sleep, and they were designed to be ambush predators, built for fast bursts of speed but not long-distance running. They are also more cumbersome when they are compared to a human, far less flexible.”

“Their diet is also very restricted so please keep this in mind when you share food. And while they are more resistant to damage, once they endure an injury it is much harder for them to heal. A broken femur (or the analogous bone on a troll) takes four times longer to heal once fractured than a human. They also have a more fragile immune system, humans adapt to viruses and build up immunities but Trolls don’t, once they have an illness they have to fight it for an extremely long time, and should they become reinfected their bodies have to start the process all over again.”

 

The cobalt commander points at a picture of a human eating a jalapeno pepper. “Humans are like FUCKING trash compactors they can eat almost fucking anything! Plants, animals, fungi it doesn’t fucking matter to them! SHIT humans eat poisons for FUN! Capsaicin is a poison that occurs naturally in Earth plants, this is a HIGHLY toxic agent and should any of you come into contact with this you would MOST LIKELY DIE A HORRIBLE AND PAINFUL DEATH! Most Earth animals know to fucking stay away from it but oh no! Not HUMANS! They have evolved to ENJOY the burning effects of the poison as the poisonous plants also contain valuable nutrients like vitamin C and A. They will sprinkle and steep their foods with poison ON PURPOSE because THEY LIKE IT.”

“And not only do these fuckers eat poison for funsies they are also FUCKING SCARY!” He held a model of a human skull in his hands “Don’t be fooled by the blunt-looking teeth, these flat ones in the front come together to form a blade like a guillotine.”

He put a carrot on the skull’s mouth. “Our teeth are designed to tear through soft flesh, cave fungus and grub secretions but human teeth?”

He chops the carrot with the skull with a loud snap “SEE THAT! THAT COULD BE YOUR FUCKING FINGERS! HUMAN TEETH ARE BUILT FOR HARD PLANT VEGETATION!”

He clicks through his presentation to show a human running “ALSO BAT-SHIT INSANE! You will win against a human in a short-distance run no contest but humans JUST KEEP GOING! They evolved freakish endurance which they used in something called ‘exhaustion hunting’ humans would only wound prey and just keep chasing it until it died from blood loss and EXHAUSTION.”

 

Connie showed a picture of a mothergrub “Trolls contribute to a communal genepool accessed by a mothergrub. The mothergrub will take in samples from the mixed pool of fluid and lay eggs in these brooding caverns.”

 

The cobalt blood was crying on stage “OUT THEIR FUCKING NOOKS? WHY DO THEY EXPLODE OUT THE GODDAMN NOOKS?!!! THE SPAWN GO OUT OF THEIR GUTS THROUGH THE NOOK!” several members of his audience were also crying, most of which were cringing with their legs firmly crossed.

 

Connie smiled and adjusted her glasses “I hope this was an informative evening! Good luck out there you guys!”

 

The cobalt’s face was still striped with tears “FOR THE LOVE OF ALL YOU DEEM SACRED DON’T LET THESE FUCKERS OUT OF YOUR SIGHT! DO YOU HEAR ME? THEY EAT POISON FOR FUN AND THEIR SPAWN EXPLODE OUT OF THEIR NOOKS WHAT THE SHIT DID WE GET INTO WHAT THE FUCK EVEN ARE THESE THINGS?”


	2. Space pods and pickup trucks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eridan annoys absolutely everyone in the transport pod and John takes his daughter on whats going to be the biggest adventure of their lives

Eridan Ampora leaned his head back against the shaking wall of the transport pod with a thoughtful look. His thin face seemed more gaunt in the shaking green light of a single bio lumetric panel above. He took off his glasses and rubbed his eyes trying to fight back the queasiness the constant shaking of the pod caused.

“But you guys…” he righted his glasses “Do humans knoww wwhen they’re gonna explode outta they’re nooks or don’t they?”

The other occupants in the transport pod groaned. 

Karkat punched him where he sat next to Eridan as hard as he could. Given the situation and the nauseousness all the passengers were experiencing, this was roughly equivalent to a drunken orangutan slapping rubbery piece of cod against Eridan’s shoulder.

“I SWEAR TO WHATEVER THE FUCK YOU DEEM SACRED.” Karkat turned to Eridan his hair sweaty and plastered to his forehead. “IF YOU KEEP FUCKING TALKING ABOUT ALIEN NOOKS AND WHAT EXPLODES OUT OF THEM I WILL STRANGLE WITH YOUR OWN FUCKING SCARF.”

Eridan coughed and pushed up his glasses “It is a serious fucking qwuestion youw guys.”

Kanaya’s brow furrowed on the other side of the pod. “When I worked In The Brooding Caverns I Noticed That The Mothergrub Didn’t Always Seem To Notice When She Was Releasing Eggs Perhaps It Is The Same With Humans?”

Terezi cackled and huffed, she was shaky with exhaustion but her manic grin spread across her face. “Wh4t 4mpor4? Worr13d 4 hum4n w1ll lay 3ggs in your sl33ping qu4rt3rs?”

Sollux looked up at the light, his blue and yellow eyes wide “Isth thisth my life now? Listhening to fucking ER talk about alien nookth? Isth thisth really what itsth come to?”

Tavros looked up from where he had been tucking his head in between his knees in an attempt to stifle the queasiness. “tHEY uM. tHEY pROBABLY jUST mADE tHAT uP tO yOU KNOW...kEEP aNY of Us fROM hAVING sEX wITH aLIENS….yOU kNOW...sCARE tACTICS…”

Out of all of them it seemed that Gamzee was weathering the travel the best, or maybe it was that he was just always sweaty with tangled hair so he didn’t look any different than the others at this moment. “mIRaCLES. “ He whispered “ThE FuCkING AliEN NoOk 3D GrUB PrINTer….”

Karkat shook his head and weakly motioned towards Nepeta where she was tending to Equius vomiting into a bag down the long corridor of the transport pod.

Nepeta smoothed down Equius’s hair with one hand and wobbled towards the rest of the group. She flopped down next to Karkat and rested her head on his shoulder. “Hey efurry body…” She whispered and swallowed thickly to keep herself from vomiting, flushed green around the bridge of her nose. “What did mew want to talk to me about?”

Karkat shrugged and Nepeta’s head bounced with the movement. “YOUR LUSUS WAS A MAMMAL RIGHT?”

Nepeta nodded and Equius retched loudly in the background.

Karkat turned towards her “DID SHE EVER HAVE KITS WHEN YOU WERE IN HER CARE? HOW DID THE WHOLE MAMMAL “BIRTH” THING WORK?”

Nepeta shrugged and hiccupped “Umm. Pounce did have a litter when I was just a kitten. She told me to go out of the cave and when I came back there fur a lot of mew little sist-purrs.”

Kanaya’s eyes widened “Not Eggs? Fully Formed Cat Lusii?”

Nepeta frowned and shrugged “They were purrty small but they defurnetely weren’t eggs.”

Eridan wiped his face with his scarf “See wwhat if wwe’re on a mission and a human just pops one out? Wwe gotta know about this shit i mean wwhat the fuck wwould you even do?”

Karkat groaned and buried his head in his hands, nauseous and furious.

“Also.” Eridan continued. “Wwhat if you’re fuckin a human and they pop one out right then? Wwhat would you-”

Sollux was too dizzy to send psiionics at Eridan without damaging the pod so he improvised and threw his left shoe at Eridan. Given his dizziness, the shaking of the ship and the fact that Eridan himself was swaying a bit in his seat it was a miracle the shoe hit him in the face.

“HEY!” Eridan clutched the offending shoe and pointed at Sollux with it “I hope youw knoww youw AIN’T gettin this back!”

Sollux only flipped him off and sunk back against the wall of the ship.

Vriska laughed, light and mocking and despite being just as dizzy as the rest of the pod’s occupants managed to look condescendingly at Eridan, her hair sweaty and in tangles around her face. “Don’t tell me you are seriously considering fucking an alien after all this fucking talk a8out things exploding from their nooks?”

Eridan quirked his eyebrows up haughtily and hugged Sollux’s shoe “I’m fuckin’ irresistible. It’s just a matter ov time before the alien babes come knockin’ on my door and wwho am I to crush their little alien dreams?”

Sollus threw his other shoe at him.

The shoe his with a dull thwack on the wall next to Eridan’s head.

Eridan retrieved the other shoe and held his prizes in his lap. “As the ancient human proverb gowws- Don’t hate the player hate the game.”

Sollux reached down, pulled off one of Gamzee’s shoes and threw it Eridan. Gamzee looked only mildly unnerved by the loss of his shoe.

Eridan batted away the shoe “THATS GODDAMN DISGUSTIN’ DO YOUW EVEN KNOWW WWHERE HE’S BEEN?”

Gamzee looked far off for a moment “sHit i DON’t eVen kNow wHere i’ve BEEN….”

Karkat threw back Gamzee’s shoe and Gamzee smiled toothily at him before putting the garment back onto his foot.

Karkat turned to Eridan “I HOPE YOU RIP YOUR BULGE OFF IN AN EXPLODING ALIEN NOOK.”

Terezi cakled “K1nky!”

Eridan looked betrayed “Kar howw could youw I’m a good person I don’t deserve this.”

Karkat pulled him down by the collar of his shirt, Eridan’s tall lanky body folded nearly in half to be eye-to-eye with the tiny but terrifying Karkat.

“NO MORE TALKING ABOUT ALIENS OR THEIR EXPLODING GENITALS OR I WILL RIP OPEN THE SAFETY HATCH AND THIS CONVERSATION AND ALL OF US WILL BE FLUNG INTO THE VOID OF SPACE TO BE FORGOTTEN FOR ALL OF ETERNITY DO I MAKE MYSELF CLEAR?”

Eridan nodded.

The pod was silent for a tense moment.

Tavros Threw up on the floor of the pod with a wet splatter and a cough.

The rest of the occupants covered their noses and groaned trying not to vomit themselves.

Karkat swiped a hand across his face. “FOR FUCKS SAKE TAVROS WE STILL HAVE 17 MORE HOURS ON THIS GODDAMN POD!”

 

On earth an old blue pickup truck barreled down a dirt road past endless fields of wheat. Thick storm clouds gathered in the distance, swirling grey against the swaying golden wheat.

John Egbert tightened his grip on the steering wheel and looked out into the distance where the storm was brewing, the car radio buzzing in and out.

His wide shoulders strained the flannel he wore over a dark grey tank top, he pushed up his glasses.

John Egbert was had recently come out of early retirement to captain the joint Human-Troll scientific expedition on the starship skaia. He looked over to the seat next to him.

Casey had been the reason for his early retirement, taking pansion early from the Space Marines Corp (And how stupid is it to call yourself a space Marine when the word “Marine” implies water but there you go) so he could stay at home and raise his daughter.

Casey looked out into the grey stormy distance and fiddled with the ears of her stuffed bunny. Her blonde hair was barretted from her face with little sparkly pink and blue barrettes. Her bright blue eyes met John’s matching ones.

“Where are we going?”

John smiled at his daughter “On an adventure remember? I showed you a picture of the ship! We’re going to learn so many new things! You were excited remember?”

She kicked her little feet and buried her nose in the fur of her rabbit. “Goin’ to spes.”

John nodded “That's right we’re going to space!”

Casey looked out apprehensively at the swirling grey clouds.

“You’ll have me there.” John reminded her. “And your mom, your aunty Jade, aunty Jane, Uncle Jake.”

Casey looked at him curiously.

“And on your mom’s side-” John continued. “We have your uncle Dave, your uncle Dirk, your aunty Roxy… some of the other officers are also bringing their kids and-”

Casey bounced her rabbit up and down “UNCEW DIWK!”

Dirk was her favorite uncle but it never stopped being funny that she couldn’t quite get the “R” Right in his name with unfortunate and hilarious consequences.

“....uncle Dick…” John whispered and giggled to himself. God dammit his daughter was so flipping cute.

Casey hugged her rabbit. ‘Are you and mom going to mawwied again?”

His daughter was cute and asked really tough questions.

John sighed and rubbed the back of his neck. “....Look kiddo…”

Casey looked at him wide-eyed and owlish.

“Your mom and I…” Shit how should he say this. “We both love you a lot and we’re still going to look out for you.”

John shrugged and continued. “And we’re still really good friends! Your mom is my best friend!”

Casey curled up on the seat and held her knees, one of which still had a ladybug bandaid on it after she fell off her bike and scratched her knee.

“And we should be friends instead of being married. Does that make sense?”

Casey shrugged and leaned back into her seat. “....ok.” She acquiesced, but John had the sinking feeling that this wasn’t the end of this.

A massive white shape grew in the distance. He patted Casey’s arm to get her attention and pointed off at the shape.

“Do you see that Casey?” John smiled as his daughter pressed her face against the glass with awe “That’s your new home for the next couple of years.” 

The white shape loomed before them absolutely massive in its loading dock at the little military base deep in the farmland. It towered before them, smooth and roughly tear-drop shaped behind the sloping point of the tear-drop two large thrusters were placed. The exterior was smooth and white punctuated by lines of rows of smooth clear windows. The words “S.S SKAIA” were emblazoned in silver across the side of the ship, these words reflected off the pickup door window on Casey’s side and she put her tiny little hands across them in reverence.

John showed his ID at the first checkpoint who at first thought he was a lost farmer but quickly straightened up and saluted when they saw the name on the identification.

“SIR RIGHT THIS WAS SIR!”

John drove his pickup to the entrance of the ship. Casey watched curiously as military Jeeps drove by them, burly men in grey uniforms loading crates onto forklifts and taking those into the ship. Men were shouting instructions at one another in a furious flurry to load the ship. Their uniforms were a heather grey and a darker grey with silver stitching, the material was some sort of space-age bullshit with a slight, almost opalescent sheen.

John got out of the pickup truck and craned his neck to look at the towering ship and large man jogged up to him in a grey uniform and saluted John sharply. “SIR.” He greeted.

“At ease.” John answered as he walked around to his daughter’s side of the car. The man followed him. John opened Casey’s car door and undid the seatbelt buckle. Casey lifted her little arms and John picked her up, her bunny still in her arms.

“T.O.D?” John asked as he smoothed down Some of Casey’s hair and righted a couple of barrettes.

The burly man nodded “1600 hours tomorrow.”

John nodded.

“Thats-”

John shook his head. “I may have been gone for six years but I still know military time.”

The man was embarrassed. “Right um. You’ll have plenty of time to settle in before then. We’re picking up the aliens at way-station Delta between the two planets. From then on we’re going through the Beta-09 sector of space and from then on we’re in uncharted territory.”

John smiled. “Alright then!” John held up a hand for a fist-bump.

“Um sir i’m not so sure that…”

John only smiled wider and wiggled his eyebrows “come on!”

The underling tentatively fist-bumped him back.

“Thats it!” John said brightly. “Go space!”

The underling shifted back and forth on his heels this was so unorthodox “Um...Go space?”

John laughed and started to walk up the ramp and into the ship. 

“CAPTAIN ONBOARD!” The underling cried out and workers stopped in their tracks to pivot sharply on their heels and give John a salute.”

John nodded back. Casey hid her face in his shoulder.

“Hey!” John cried out to the first underling “Do you think you could get someone to get the suitcases from the back? I would really appreciate it!”

“SIR YES SIR!”

Casey dropped her bunny. John at first tried to bend over to retrieve the bunny but was unable to reach with Casey in his arms. He then tried to reach it with his foot, awkwardly hopping on one leg as the men around him continued to salute.

“Psst guy.” John patted the shoulder of one of the soldiers.

“Yes sir?”

John pointed towards the rabbit. “Can you get the rabbit for me dude?”

The man retrieved the bunny and gave the bunny back to John and Casey.

“What do you say to the nice man Casey?” John asked his daughter.

Casey looked up shyly at the soldier “Thank you.”

John went into the ship and Casey waved goodbye to the soldier that had retrieved her bunny from over his shoulder.

The soldier grinned and waved back.

John walked into the ship, workers still buzzing around him taking equipment and crates back and forth.

“Johnathan?” Came a voice.

John turned and there Rose stood. Her uniform was a pearly opalescent white accented by her usual headband, a pair of silver teardrop earrings and a pink silk scarf probably loaned from her sister.

“MOMMY!” Casey perked up and reached out for Rose. Rose smiled and took the child from John’s arms and held her.

“And how are you my darling daughter?” Rose smoothed back some of Casey’s hair. “Have you been behaving yourself?”

Casey Giggled and kicked her little feet “No.” she answered.

Rose smiled, a quirk of her painted black lips. “That's my girl.”

Rose kissed her head and leaned over to whisper to John “Are you sure about this?”

John nodded and shrugged “What's the worst that could happen?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comment if you enjoyed!


	3. RIGHT IN DE VENT DER!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tavros has a mishap but makes some friends and the trolls go through orientation.

“Alright a little to the left…” John looked on as two crew members moved a sparkly “Welcome Aliens” banner slightly, centering it over a high walkway over the main area of way-station Delta.

The rest of the crew were milling in the common area, wearing pointy party hats and armed with streamer poppers. One particularly cheeky private first class was wearing two pointy party hats over his chest like sharp tasseled boobs, John decided that the aliens probably had a sense of humor and let it slide.

“Alright! 'perfect!” He waved and gave a thumbs up to the crew members who were fixing the banner, the white glitter that made up most of the stylized version of the ship painted on the banner was wafting down into the common room.

John put his hands on his hips and addressed the crew. “Alright! You all know the plan! As soon as the alien ship gets here and the doors open we’re all going to yell ‘WELCOME’ and pop the streamers? Are we clear?”

“SIR YES SIR!”

Rose stood next to John. she looked at the decorations around them and frowned uncertainly. “...John I’m not so sure this is the best course of action…”

John shrugged and armed a streamer popper in both hands. “Don’t worry Rosie.” He flipped the poppers and caught them again in a deft move. “This is going to be GREAT.” 

 

“Buuuut kaaaar….” Eridan whined. “What if…”

Karkat gripped the railing inside the transport pod as he felt the metal hull shudder and shake as it entered the atmosphere of the abandoned moon mining operation that had been retrofitted into a military base. 

He whirled to face Eridan who had been WHINING for the last 17 hour on this god-forsaken pod. “ERIDAN.” he warned, his hair sweaty and his eyes steely. “WORKING WITH THE HUMANS WILL BE FUCKING FINE. IT WILL BE LIKE WORKING ANY OTHER FUCKING SHIP JOB EXCEPT OUR COWORKERS WILL BE PINK AND BROWN.”

The shuttle docked and the loud whirring of braces gripping the pod snugly could be heard from the inside. Karkat pointed a clawed finger at Eridan. “HUMANS WILL LEAVE US ALONE AND LET US DO OUR WORK ALRIGHT? SO NO MORE TALK OF HUMANS OR THEIR NOOKS. NO ONE WILL BE FUCKING ANY HUMANS AND NO ONE WILL GET THEIR BULGES RIPPED OFF BY EXPLODING NOOKS. YOU PROBABLY WON’T EVEN HAVE TO TALK TO ONE”

The pod doors whirred and Karkat straightened his back and got ready to walk out. “IT'S NOT LIKE THEY’LL-”

As the pod doors opened there was a huge crowd of humans in bizarre pointed hats that were obviously cult wear waiting by the doors of the ship. Glitter wafted in and made Karkat cough and sneeze. There was a loud popping that made the occupants of the transport pod jump, gunfire? Already? Ribbons and confetti fluttered through the air and obstructed their vision.

Then just before they thought it couldn’t be more frightening the humans all screamed in unison. “WELCOME!!!!”

The aliens stood frozen in the doors of the transport pod, wide-eyed and panicked. The streamers floated down slowly and the human’s clapping died down awkwardly until both species were staring at each other awkwardly.

“Don’t. Move.” Karkat whispered to the other trolls on the ship. “Just move back as slowly as you c-”

Tavros burst out into loud screaming and started to run. Both species watched blandly as he bolted out of the transport pod, threw open a random grate in the facility and jumped in. His screaming turned into grunts of pain that echoed out of the vent as he slammed down the metal tubing.

“OW! SHIT! AH!”

Jane put a hand to her mouth and gasped “Oh my goodness is he ok?” 

John leaned down towards his sister. “Janey as the head medical officer I think you should probably check on him.”

Jane nodded and snapped at two of her nurses to get their attention, a thin blonde woman with her braid wrapped around the top of her head and a dark freckled woman with her curly hair tied back with a bandana. “Heidi. Maria.”

Both women nodded, ripped off their party hats and went to try and pull Tavros out of the grate with Jane.

John stepped towards the trolls and clapped once to get their attention. “Well this is awkward.” he addressed them. “Believe me when I say it was not my intention to scare any of you, this is just an enthusiastic way to greet honored guests on our planet.”

He smiled charmingly. “So on behalf of Earth, welcome aboard the S.S Skaia. We’re happy to have you here.”

Most of the trolls still seemed confused but were far less tense now than they had been a minute ago. Karkat bristled with rage.

The human that had approached them was almost trollishly tall with wide shoulders and lean muscle. Black windswept hair over extremely bright blue eyes and black framed glasses. He wore his uniform unzipped with the arms tied around his hips and a dark blue tank top. He smiled winningly.

What a fucking asshole.

Karkat stormed up to the human, he only came up to about the human’s chest but he wasn’t going to let that stop him from letting him know what an asshole he was.

“ARE YOU THE HUMAN WHO DID ALL OF-” Karkat flailed at the glitter in the air and the streamers on the ground “THIS??”

John nodded, glitter falling from his hair. “Yeaaaaah that was me.”

Karkat flailed. “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU??!! WE THOUGHT WE WERE BEING SHOT AT!” Karkat picked up a handful of streamers and confetti. “WHAT EVEN IS THIS SHIT??”

John looked down at the tiny screaming alien. “What? They don’t have streamers on Alternia?”

Karkat threw the bundle of streamers at John’s chest, exploding in a puff of glitter. “DO YOU KNOW HOW LONG IT WILL TAKE TO CLEAN UP THESE FUCKING PAPER NOODLES??”

Karkat massaged the bridge of his nose as the human picked off confetti pieces nonplussed.

Karkat glowered at the human who was still smiling down at him amused. Fucker. “ WHO IS YOUR COMMANDING OFFICER?”

John made a show of tapping his lips in thought. “Mmmmm. Don’t have one.”

Karkat shook his head angry and baffled. “HOW THE FUCK DO YOU NOT-”

John spread out his arms. “Because I’M the captain!”

Karkat’s eyes were wide with horror. “NO.”

John nodded. “YUP!”

Karkat pulled at his hair this guy? No! There’s no way that THIS FUCKER was- “I DON’T BELIEVE YOU I-”

Jane trotted back towards John. “Captain, the troll that jumped through the grate is stuck, we think he punched through a section of metal with his horns.”

John nodded seriously and took up his communicator. “I’ll get facilities personnel down here.” He tapped at his communicator. “Yeah hey Phil we have a situation out here.” he listened hard and nodded. “Yeah a Troll was scared by the streamer poppers and jumped into a vent and is stuck now.” He nodded again. “No smaller than a chainsaw. Yeah. We don’t want him hurt ok? Alright good.” 

He tapped the communicator off and turned back to speak to Jane as Karkat watched in horror. “Phil from facilities will be down here short enough.”

Jane nodded and headed back to where the other two nurses were huddled by the grate.

John smiled down at Karkat who was frozen in anger dismay and terror, he turned his attention to the rest of the trolls. “Alright! While our facilities supervisor gets that guy out of the grate how about you all get settled in!” 

He pointed at a small Asian woman who was practically buzzing with enthusiasm. “Stephanie here will be your orientation guide!”

Stephanie bounced up and clapped, her hair done in two buns on top of her head “Hello everyone! WHO WANTS TO LEARN ABOUT SAFETY REGULATIONS!??”

There was a collective groan from the trolls and a knowing shell-shocked look from the humans who had to go through Stephanie’s orientation two days ago.

Dear god the friendship exercises.

“ALRIGHT!” Stephanie pumped her hand in the air. “SAFETY!!! WOO!!”

As the mass bulk of Trolls stumbled after Stephanie and John disappeared back into the crowd Eridan came to check on Karkat. “...Kar?..”

Karkat ran a hand down his face. “...I’m so screwed…”

Eridan nodded sagely. “Yeah...youww kinda are…”

Karkat glared at him.

 

Heidi shined a flashlight down the ventilation shaft. Tavros looked up at the blonde human where he was several feet down with his horn stuck through the side of the shaft. 

“HELOOOOOO DOWN DER!” she called down, her heavy Swedish accent bouncing off the walls of the shaft. “We’re gonna get you right outta der okey?”

Tavros tried to nod back at her but his horn was still stuck in the metal. “Yea um...that's um...really nice of you to do…”

She craned her head down. “Are you alright der? No broken bones? Not feelin deezy? Er leet headed?”

Tavros shrugged. “No uh...Not dizzy or light-headed…”

Maria poked her head into the shaft next to Heidi “You alright there love?” she asked. The “love” bit tipped Tavros off that she must have been “A British”, he watched Dr.Who back when netflix first became available on Alternia.

Tavros shrugged again. Why were these humans being so nice? “Yeah I’m sure!”

Another human face popped up between Heidi and Maria. “Hello der gals Ahm Phil from facilities what seems ta be da problem here?” He sounded extremely Canadian which was reinforced by the baseball cap on his head and the scruffy beard.

Heidi turned to him. “One of da new arrivals didn’ mush care for da party poppers and he went and jumped in da vent!”

Phil turned to her flabbergasted “HE DUN WENT AND JUMPED IN DE VENT?”

Heidi nodded frantically “YA! RIGHT IN DE VENT!”

Maria gestured wildly down the shaft “RIGHT IN THEH BLOODY VENT!”

Phil shined a flashlight down the vent “HELLO DER ALIEN BUD IN DE VENT!”

Tavros waved sheepishly. “...um...hi?...”

Phil gave his situation a once-over. “Oh yea he’s real stuck in der he is.” He whistled. “Right through de shaft der.”

Heidi turned to him “Can you free ‘im?”

Phil nodded. “Yea but ahm gonna hafta get down to the lower level der with my saw see if I can find the vent he’s stuck in”

Phil disappeared and Heidi popped her head back into the vent. “Okie den. It seems dat wer gonna hafta be here a while.”

Maria looked down the vent. “Would you like a joos box and some pretzels while yer waitin mate?”

Heidi brightened up. “I have my daughters colorin’ book and some crayons!”

Tavros smiled. “Um...yes please!”

 

Karkat was currently sitting through hour two of Stephanie the human’s orientation speech. They were currently doing a play about how to treat newfound races.

Stephanie was wearing a mock space suit. “Golly guys!” She looked dramatically around the stage. “Look at this neat new planet we found!”

A yell came out from the audience. “THAT IS INCORRECT YOU ARE STILL ON THE STAGE!”

Another human came out in a shoddily made alien suit, large googly eyes on stalks on top of his head. “RAWR I’M AN UNCATEGORIZED ALIEN SPECIES!”

Stephanie put a hand to her mouth. “Oh my gosh!! Look at that guys it's a new alien species!”

Another call came from the audience. “THAT IS CLEARLY A HUMAN IN A SUIT!”

Stephanie grinned and mugged to the audience “alright guys! Remember how we deal with new alien species?”

“KILL IT UNTIL IT HAS BECOME DECEASED.” came a cry from the audience.

Stephanie glared murderously out at the culprit but quickly became perky and peppy again. “No silly we take out our phasers!” She took out a big foam version of a white oblong gun. “Set it to stun and hurt no one!”

The human in the alien costume froze dramatically. “AH! I’ve been stunned!”

Stephanie grinned and took out a mock scanner module. “Then we scan em’! Remember that we can’t get a fully functional bio scan from something dead!”

She turned out to the audience and everyone felt a shiver as she grinned a little too widely to be completely sane. “We need them ALIVE. SILLY!!!”

She then pretended to run away from the alien. “Then just scurry back on the ship! Its that simple!”

 

Karkat banged his head on the seat in front of him. Nepeta sat next to him and Equius sat on the other side of her.

Nepeta looked over at Karkat “Whats wrong karkitty?”

He looked up mournfully. “I yelled at the captain. I’m GOING TO FUCKING DIE.’

Equius yelled at the stage “ONCE AGAIN YOU ARE INCORRECT. YOU ARE NOT ON AN UNCHARTED PLANET AND THAT IS CLEARLY NOT A REAL PHASER GUN.”

Nepeta shrugged. “Well the captain didn’t really seem all that angfurry.”

Karkat moaned woefully. “I’m such an IDIOT!”

Equius yelled at the stage again. “NO. NO. TO THE LEFT. IT IS CLEARLY TO YOUR LEFT.”

Nepeta shrugged. “I really don’t think kits as bad as you think. He looked like he thought it was furny more than anything.”

Karkat looked back at her. “YOU REALLY THINK SO?” he clenched his fists “WHAT A FUCKING NOOKSTAIN.”

Equius stood up. “WHY DO YOU KEEP ASKING OBVIOUS QUESTIONS AND SAYING THINGS THAT ARE CLEARLY WRONG!”

Stephanie glared at Equius. “SECURITY.” she demanded into her headset.

 

Tavros was on his third juice box as he dutifully colored in a picture of Tinkerbell on the coloring book Heidi had given him, a crayon sticking out of his mouth. He, Maria and Heidi had been having a rousing conversation about the human version of Peter Pan vs the Alternian Pupa Pan.

“Actually!” Heidi piped up from the other side of the vent. “Da book version of Peter Pan was a bit darker dan the movie! I’d just eh bout’ say de Alternian version matches da tone a bit better!”

“Oh come off it.” Maria argued back. “The Alternian version is a completely different thing! Just because it has two flyin’ guys that don’t bloody age doesn’t mean anything! You’re comparing apples to oranges dear!”

Someone tapped on the vent Tavros was in. “..Hello?..um who’s there?”

Phil answered back “Well hey der bud! Looks like we found da shaft you’re in! Now Stay still and I’m gonna cut you out der. Ok der bud?”

“Yea um that’s good! Thank you for this..um..by the way…”

Phil’s voice was muffled through the metal. “No problem at all alien bud! You just hang on in there and we’ll get you out in a jiffy!”

Tavros jumped at the saw that poked through the metal. “AH!”

Phil worked on the other end, his tongue peeking out of his bearded mouth in concentration. “Don’t move der bud. I promise I’m not gonna cut cha!”

Tavors took a deep breath and sipped on his juice box.

True to his word his horn was free from the metal shaft, then someone else unbolted the section of vent and Tavros slid through like a slide.

A group of humans cheered as he emerged, all wearing uniforms and armed with various tools. “EHHHH!!!!!” they greeted him and clapped him friendly on the back. “HE’S OUT!!”

Tavros smiled at the human workers juicebox still in hand. Maybe humans weren’t so bad.

 

Eridan scowled at his bunk and put his hands to his hips. “STEPHANIE!” he called and the little human trotted over.

She stood beside him and looked out at the cabin. “Anything wrong?”

Eridan scoffed. “Anythin wwrong? ANYTHIN WWRONG??” he gestured angrily at the little room. “IT’S THE SAME SIZE AS EVERYONE ELSE’S”

He huffed and smoothed some hair out of his face. “Did no wwone tell youww I’m royalty?”

Stephanie only smiled wider. “Well mr. royal royalty.” She stepped closer and got on her tiptoes to get in his face. “I guess you’ll just have to fucking deal with it won’t you?”

Eridan gaped as the little human skipped away.

“HA!” Sollux taunted from his room across the hall. “Fuckiing owned.”

Eridan glared at him and closed the door.

 

In the captain’s quarters after John put Casey to bed he paced back and forth in front of his desk. He certainly didn’t want something like this morning to happen again, they were lucky that the guy that jumped down the shaft wasn’t hurt.

He’ll need someone that knows more about trolls that could advise him and help avoid incidents like this morning.

He smiled. He’ll need a co-captain.

A troll co-captain!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please comment if you enjoyed!! :D I love hearing from you guys!
> 
> Also if you enjoyed and want to be a crew member aboard the starship Skaia then tell me what you enjoyed and comment a short physical description of yourself and two lines that describe your personality!
> 
> Hope to see you aboard!


	4. Fist-bump of history

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Trolls get their ship assignments and Karkat has to rescue Gamzee from his own stupidity. An offer is made!

Stephanie trotted through the the hallway, the Hello Kitty barrettes pinning back her bangs matching her peppy smile, a stack of holo-documents in her hands. The translucent rectangles of the holo-documents clinking together like glass as the displays shone with the photograph of each troll with their matching assignment.

She rapped on a grey door, a sleepy-looking olive answered and she handed them their assignment “Tambin, Nuduro. Congratulations you have food service duty, please report to the location designated on your card.”

Trolls sleepily shuffled from their rooms, blinking sleepily at the tiny little human passing holo-cards to trolls like it was going out of style.

“Yuptoh, Ezarah. Logistics.” The next holo-card was passed to a grumpy looking cerulean “Please report to the location designated on your card, there should be a map to help you get there. Thank you.”

“Marhot, Mardih!” A grumpy looking rustblood took the card. “Sanitation duty.”

Karkat yawned and leaned against the frame of his room. Gamzee came from the door next to Karkat, most of his face paint had rubbed off while he was asleep but there was still a good deal around his eyes. 

“Sup brother.” gamzee yawned his jaws opening in a too-wide display of a multitude of needle-sharp teeth. A purple blanket was caught on a horn, draping across his head and dragging on the floor.

“Hi Gamzee.”

Gamzee raised his eyebrows at that.

Karkat turned to him and crossed his arms. “WHAT.”

Gamzee’s eyebrows only raised higher. “Ya’ll ain’t even said one mother fucking swear word best friend that is up and AUDACIOUSLY BAD little motherfucker. Up and Damn straight apocalyptic. I ain’t the sharpest motherfucking knife in the motherfucking drawer but I know when a motherfucker is up and upset...”

Karkat rolled his eyes and shrugged. “I yelled at the captain yesterday.”

Gamzee sighed, his shoulders slumping “Ya’ll can’t up and learn yo lesson from the LAST motherfucking time ya’ll yelled at a superior.”

Karkat gritted his teeth as Stephanie continued to hand out assignments “I DIDN’T KNOW HE WAS THE CAPTAIN!.....” He shrugged his shoulders and frowned to himself “Besides the last guy had it coming he was a real fucking asshole. That cobalt always gave the low-bloods shitty safety gear on that mining operation and WE BOTH FUCKING KNOW IT.”

Gamzee shrugged and patted Karkat’s shoulder “yeah that was one real low-down motherfucker. Up and outrageously slimey man…” He shook Karkat gently from side-to-side “And if this captain up and is another low-down motherfucker I’ll just tear his spinal column from his body…”

Karkat squinted up at Gamzee a frown on his face. Gamzee grinned and shrugged his shoulders “I’m only trying to be up and humorous my dude don’t up and get your wrath on with me. I know how humans are about that shit.”

Karkat sighed “I’ll deal with it my damn self alright?” Gamzee shrugged and Karkat continued “And go and fucking wash your face and comb your fucking hair! Your face right now looks like someone dragged a blow-up doll of human Cher through a rain gutter.”

Gamzee smiled down at his short friend “Now THATS my little spitfire of a motherfucker!

Stephanie handed a holo-document to Terezi as she stood outside of her room in a shirt and dragon-themed boxers “Pyrope, Terezi. You have been assigned to the ship security force. Please head to the area designated on the map there you will-”

Stephanie paused and grimaced as Terezi licked across the holo-screen “...Okay then.”

Stephanie handed a holo-card to Equius, the little holoscreen dwarfed in his hands as he stood in the hall, a blanket edged with ponies around his shoulders “Zahhak, Equius. You will be working with the head engineer.”

Stephanie knocked on the door next to Equius’s “Nepeta Leijon?”

The door was kicked open and a very tiny, very naked Nepeta stood in the doorway “HELLO EFURRYBODY!”

Stephanie shrieked and jumped back as the other trolls in the hallway also shrieked and covered their eyes.

“N1c3.” Terezi whispered.

Sollux hissed next to her “You’re FUCKIING BLIIND!”

Terezi only nodded “N1C3.”

while Equius quickly pulled off his blanket and wrapped it around the tiny Nepeta who was now seemingly drowning in horse-patterned fabric with the amount of fabric that was now around her.

Stephanie still couldn’t quite look Nepeta in the eyes as she handed her the holo-document. Nepeta’s big green eyes turned to the document in her hands, her tongue peeking out just a little from between her teeth as she perused the documents and the included map.

“Leijon Nepeta please report to Mission Operations. Thank you.”

Equius went pale “You can’t possibly send her OUTSIDE ON UNCHARTED PLANETS THAT IS LUDICROUS!”

Stephanie picked her nails “She has an excellent combat record.”

Nepeta stuck her tongue out at Equius.

Nepeta and Equius continued to argue in the background as Stephanie continued to hand out assignments. At one point Equius tried to take the holo-document from Nepeta to which Nepeta responded with doing a backflip off the wall to yank the shiney rectangle back out of his hands, exposing her little butt again to the trolls in the hallway who shrieked again and hid their eyes. Equius trapped Nepeta in the horse blanket like a cat in a sack and gingerly placed the hissing and spitting Nepeta back into her room, sternly telling her to get dressed already.

“Nitram, Tavros.” Tavros straightened up at hearing his name. Stephanie only came up to the lanky troll’s middle as she passed him his assignment. “Mission operations.”

Stephanie handed a holo-document to Vriska “Mission operations.” Vriska grinned at Tavros. Tavros swallowed thickly and looked away.

“Megido, Aradia.” Aradia clapped and took her holo-document eagerly “Report to the science sector you’re needed in the archeology department.”

Eridan leaned against a doorway and smirked down at Stephanie who curled her lip in disgust but quickly masked her dislike with extreme peppiness. 

Eridan flipped a lock of hair and wiggled his eyebrows at Stephaine “ So wwhat do they havve for me huh? Co-captain?”

Stephanie slapped a holo-document to his chest. “Mission. Support.”

Eridan gaped offendedly at his holo-document. “THIS CAN’T BE WWRIGHT!”

Stephanie shrugged and gave a wry smile. She wasn’t enjoying his pain at all.

No sir.  
“Captor, Sollux.” Stephanie handed a holo-document to Sollux who had been snickering at Eridan’s frustration. “Tech support.”

Eridan smirked at Sollux “Wwell at least your assignment is wworse than mine.”

Sollux rolled his eyes “Yeah well have fun getting poithoned by alienths on random ath planets”

Eridan scowled at him, flipped his hair and went to report to his station.

Two other yellow-bloods, Nadika dandik and Yandah Yubahn received orders to head to tech support as well.

Kanaya stood in front of her doorway waiting patiently for assignment. Unlike the other trolls in the hallway that were groggy and still had traces of sopor slime on their skin, Kanaya was dressed, her hair styled to perfection and with a fresh coat of lipstick on her lips.

Stephanie handed a holo-document to the statuesque and fashionable troll who accepted it gently with finely manicured claws.

“Mayram, Kanaya. Your botany expertise has been requested in the oxygen factory. Head to the greenhouse in the center of the ship.”

Kanaya smiled gently and perused her holo-documents with interest. “Thank You Miss Stephanie.”

Karkat winced as Stephanie turned to him. It would be just like a highblood captain to give him something like sanitation or food service in retaliation for-

Stephanie handed him the holo-card “Vantas, Karkat. You’ve been assigned to logistics.”

Karkat took the holocard with awe. A desk job? An actual real desk job?

Eridan shook with fury “WWHAT HE GETS A BLOODY DESK JOB WWHILE I HAVVE TO TRAPEZE OVER DIRTY UNKNOWWN PLANETS??”

Karkat looked over the holo-card. No danger, no filth, just regular desk drudgery, this was a job usually reserved for teals…

Stephanie looked over Gamzee who was staring off into space, the blanket still caught on his horn. 

“....You aren’t in my records who ARE you?”

Gamzee looked at the small human and made a rainbow shape with his hands “..I’m the MOTHERFUCKING miracle man…”

Stephanie looked over the holo-documents in her hand “How did you even get on board??”

Gamzee’s eyebrows furrowed and her scratched at the back of his head “...I dunno sis...There was like...a ship...and some doors and shit…”

Stephanie Scowled down at the documents and took Gamzee by the wrist. “That's it. I’m taking you to the captain.”

God fucking dammit Gamzee “WAIT!” Karkat yelled “HE’S JUST AN INNOCENT IDIOT!”

 

John brushed Casey’s hair back into two little pigtails, pinning the loose strands with little ladybug barrettes. Casey hopped her little bunny across the dresser as her father worked.

“You’re a space bunny now.” She whispered to the little cloth thing.

John giggled and kissed Casey on the top of her head. “I guess that makes you a space girl now.”

Casey giggled and kicked up her little feet “Spes girl!”

John picked her up and twirled her around “Space girl! Flying around the galaxy!”

Casey laughed and wiggled and put out her arms as her father twirled her around.

“Alright space girl.” John set her against his chest as she giggled and recovered from the excitement “Daddy has to make a call and then you’re going to go have fun with the other kids ok? I hear Sergeant Thomas brought his daughter Amy and she’s just your age!”

John put casey down and she clambered up into one of the swivel chairs by his desk to spin in circles. 

John sat at his desk and motioned with one hand and a holographic screen came to life, the display curved around his desk and illuminated his face with blue light. 

“Contact Empress Feferi.”

The computer beeped cheerily and began to execute the request, the loading screen to Empress Feferi’s personal line was a little pink cuttlefish that swam in place.

Empress Feferi sat in an oversized clam shell, an opulent pink cushion in it’s center. She seemed deep in thought, perusing a holo-screen with her eyebrows furrowed under her tiara. Lengths upon lengths of pearls dripped across her body and through her hair, the previous empress had worn gold but she had spoken before of wanting to distance herself from the old empress’s ways.

She looked up at the display in front of her and smiled at John showing needle-sharp teeth. “JOHN!!!!” She lounged against the clam shell, half bored eighties teenager with a corded phone and half pin-up girl. “It's so good to sea you!!”

John smiled back at her. “Hello Empress. It’s good to see you as well.”

Feferi giggled, her black hair swaying above her and John realized that she was under water. “John you don’t have put on any spe-shell airs with me!” She flipped onto her stomach and put her fists under her chin “so what's the news! Let minnow!”

John laughed and Casey clambered into his lap. 

Casey giggled and bounced up and down at seeing Feferi “ARIEL!”

Feferi giggled and squealed with joy “There's the little cuddlefish! It's ofishal! Your little guppy is turtley the cutest!”

“I was meaning to talk with you about something” John continued as casey stared enraptured “There was an incident yesterday-”

Feferi sat up concerned “Did someone maul a human? Did it reely happen already?”

John sat in tight-lipped silence for a moment. Well that wasn’t comforting. “No um… The humans accidentally scared the trolls with the welcome celebration.”

Feferi’s face was suddenly too-close to the screen, one fuschia eye surrounded by freckles filling the screen “Was it a pinata? Cod I hake pinatas.”

John shook his head. Great now he can’t have pinatas? “No they were party-poppers. What I’m trying to say is that I think I’ll need someone else in co-command that understands trolls more than I do.”

Feferi frowned “There's a reason I chose you to captain this mission and not salmon else.” She looked at him earnestly through the display “Alternia has been governed by fear for so long I wanted someone who led people in a different wave…”

She smiled at him “you’re kind and people follow you not because they’re scared of you but because you gain their trust and don’t trout people like they’re blow you…”

“I know it's orcaward but if we had a troll co-captain the hemospectrum would get in the way. A violet blood dolfinetely look down on everyone else, a purple would look down on every below them and the violets wouldn’t respect them and so on and so forth down the entire cod-damned spectrum.”

Feferi played with a piece of her hair “I want something different than hake for my people….”

She looked at him earnestly “You would dolfinetely have to find someone different. Someone who genuinely cared for their krill members…”

John nodded seriously at the Empress. “...I’ll see who I can find…”

Feferi smiled back at him kindly “Cod luck John.” before she ended the call.

“By bye Ariel.” Casey whispered.

There was a knock at the door.

John bounced Casey on his lap. “Are you ready to meet the other kids?”

John opened the door where a tall and lanky woman with short brown hair stood with a gaggle of kids around her.

“And THIS is the captain’s quarters!” She explained to the children.

John smiled at the woman, Casey in her arms “Hi Emily!”

Emily smiled and bounced a little on the balls of her feet, joy written all over her freckled face and dancing in her blue eyes. “Hello sir. Is this the new munchkin?”

Casey hid her face in her father’s shoulder. 

“Aww.” John rubbed her back “You’ll be ok.”

He put her down and she gripped his pant leg. 

Emily leaned down “Its ok honey. Do you want to learn about supernovas?”

Casey’s eyes went wide “SPES.”

Emily giggled “That's right! We’re going to learn about space!”

And with that sweet precious Casey trotted along with the other children to learn about the wonders of the universe.John looked at his daughter fondly as she went with the other kids and waved when she looked back nervously. Casey smiled and waved back before she disappeared around the corner.

John went back into his office and started to comb through personnel files, trying to find a suitable candidate for co-captain. He noticed that among the higher-ranked trolls a certain pattern emerged. The higher they were on the hemospectrum the greater chance they were to be promoted. He found cobalts that time and time again proved to be ineffectual and yet were never demoted, same as brown and rustbloods who despite outstanding records never were promoted above minor roles…

He was halfway through recalculating where some of these people SHOULD be when Stephanie stormed into his office.

The tiny asian woman had hell written across her face and fury in her eyes, pulling a lanky troll with a blanket on his head and a drunk look in his eyes by the wrist.

Stephanie stood in front of the stainless steel desk and squared her shoulders “SIR.” She huffed “We have a STOWAWAY!” 

John looked over the troll who looked around his office with a vague drunken sense of awe as if his office had butterflies floating through the air.

He leaned against his desk and made a little steeple with his hands, he motioned to the chair in front of his desk “Go on. Have a seat”

The troll grinned at him and John did his best not to be creeped out by the sheer number of teeth in his maw “Gracias motherfucker.”

……

He decided to let that one slide.

“Can you tell me how you got here?”

Gamzee threw up his hands and made a wide circular motion, looking off into the distance like a wizard about to speak a spell or an adventurer about to tell a tale of glory.

“See all my peeps were off and doing some glorious do with some human motherfuckers right? And I’m all like fuck brother, I don’t want to be up and alone without all my motherfuckers I want to be on that miraculous ship. So I was up one day and-”

Gamzee stopped abruptly and stared.

On John’s desk sat a bobbing bird desk toy that Dave had gifted to him as an ironic “Now that you’re in charge” gift.

“Motherfuck.”

Gamzee sat in awe as the little plastic bird with a top hat on bobbed its head into a little glass of water before bobbing up again. He knelt on the floor reverently, his face eye-level with the little bobbing bird.

“Motherfucking miracles.” he whispered.

Just then another person burst into his office.

The troll was extremely short with cute rounded little horns. They seemed to have ran here, gasping as they leaned against John’s doorway.

Oh hey it’s shortie mcshouty troll guy!

John remembers that guy!

The troll gasped, gained their breath and stalked into the room, slamming both hands onto John’s desk. 

“DON’T PUNISH HIM HE’S JUST A HARMLESS IDIOT. I THOUGHT HE HAD AN ASSIGNMENT HERE BUT I GUESS HE JUST WANDERED HERE? OR SOMETHING? FOR FUCKS SAKE GIVE HIM A CHANCE I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT HE’S GOOD AT BUT HE CAN DO SOMETHING OK? FOR FUCKS SAKE HE’S JUST A HARMLESS DOPE GO EASY ON HIM!”

The short troll was breathing heavily, his red eyes filled with dread.

John looked at him.

He looked at John.

Gamzee looked at the bobbing bird on John’s desk.

The bobbing bird looked at the water cup.

“Alright!” John chirped.

Karkat looked at him dumbfounded “....What?”

John grinned back at him “Sure! Yeah! That's fine with me! I’m sure there's something for him to do.”

John handed a holo-card to Gamzee who took the shiney luminescent rectangle without looking up from the bird.

“Give this to Stephanie and she’ll set you up.”

Gamzee smiled at John, picked the bobbing bird off his desk and walked out of the room.

Karkat winced and put a hand over his face. “.....I can….I can make him give that back hold on…”

John waved it off “actually it's ok. He really seems to like the thing…”

“Yeah um…” Karkat rubbed the back of his neck anxiously “I’m going to just leave so…”

John looked at him thoughtfully. “Actually…”

Karkat winced. Here we go.”

“Would you mind taking a seat? I would like to talk with you.”

Karkat sighed and sat down “Is this about me yelling at you? If so I’m sorry ok?”

John laughed and pulled up a holoscreen “It's not about that! What's your name?”

Karkat was almost tempted to give him a fake name to avoid the demotion in his future but decided that if he was going down he was going down HONEST god dammit.

“Karkat Vantas.”

John typed the name into the search query and brought up Karkat’s personnel file “Karkat...Vantas….Ah!” He tapped on a file and it expanded across the screen. “You have an impressive combat record!”

Karkat shifted in his seat. Complements? Where the fuck was this going? “Uh...Thanks?”

John scrolled down further. “Exemplary service! But for some reason you were demoted by your last commanding officer can you tell me why?”

Oh for fucks sake. Karkat jabbed a finger against the desk in emphasis “THAT FUCKER WAS GIVING SUB-STANDARD EQUIPMENT TO LOW-BLOODS! DO YOU KNOW HOW DANGEROUS THAT IS ON AN ASTEROID MINING OPERATION??? THAT FUCKER DIDN’T EVEN CARE HOW MANY RUST AND BROWN BLOODS HE WAS GOING TO KILL! I TRIED TO STAND UP TO HIM ABOUT IT AND HE HAD ME DEMOTED OK?”

There was a wry twist to John’s mouth as he looked contemplative over the tiny troll in the seat across from him.

“You really care about your crew members…”

Karkat looked away. Jesus christ this was getting weird “Yeah? They may be idiots but they don’t deserve to die…”

John smiled, his big blunt teeth on display, Karkat had to quickly repress the memory of the commander’s demonstration with a human skull and a carrot.

“Karkat Vantas. How would you like to be co-captain?”

Karkat looked dumbfounded at the human. “WHAT.”

John smiled and nodded “Yeah! Co-captain! Whaddaya think?”

Karkat sputtered, frowned and ran a hand through his hair. “FUCKING. WHAT. ARE YOU SHITTING ME? WHY???”

John shrugged “I need someone who knows more about trolls than I do, you have an excellent track record, honestly you should have been promoted a long time ago, and you care about your crewmates! That's all I really need!”

“You’re ACTUALLY serious about this.”

“MHMM!”

“ACTUALLY SERIOUS????”

“Yep!”

“LIKE FOR REAL??”

“Uh huh!”

Karkat stared at the grinning human. For fucks sake… “Alright fine.”

“ALRIGHT YEAH!” John lifted a fist “YEAH CO-CAPTAINS!”

Karkat stared at his raised fist.

“COME ON!!!” John wiggled his eyebrows.

Karkat sighed and brought his fist to Johns.

And with that Karkat Vantas officially became co-captain of the starship Skaia.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Role of the space daycare director was played by BibliophileBiologist!
> 
> For everyone else that submitted their description don't worry! You'll show up soon!


	5. Settling in

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some nuts and bolts on the workings of the ship. Lets see how the humans are doing and how the trolls are settling into their new roles.

Kanaya held her holo-document gracefully in her claws as she followed the little map that accompanied the contraption.

The construction of the ship was simply a marvel. Kanaya appreciated the human’s sense not only of the utilitarian but of the aesthetic. The hallways were lined in white opalescent panels, the corridors were wide enough to accommodate multiple lanes of foot traffic comfortably with wide curved ceilings topped with panels gleaming with cheery yellow light.

Kanaya didn’t know that humans required certain light to produce vitamin D and that the artificial sun lights were essential to the mood of her new human neighbors but she appreciated how the mild yellow light bounced off the opal tiles. 

Mild enough not to upset the nocturnal trolls, but bright enough to satisfy the human’s need for sunlight. Accommodation through constant dusk.

As Kanaya passed through a smooth curved corridor the inner side of the hallway turned clear, exposing any onlooker to the center of the ship.

A very large bubble-like structure sat in the middle like an enormous terrarium. Kanaya recognized some of the less poisonous alternian plants, their bright neon pink trunks twisting among the Earth greenery. Human workers milled about in the open space, tilling up the soil with garden hoes and planting row upon row of vegetation.

Slots in some of the non-glass parts of the bubble opened up, allowing hanging plants to be planted, their vines trailing below and giving the illusion that the beyond the bubble there was only more jungle. It was odd seeing this natural space in the middle of a ship, like a forest had been suddenly uprooted to live among them in the stars.

A large pond sat in the middle of the garden, Kanaya could see orange fish swimming through the dark water. A human woman sat on the bench next to the pond. She had bright white-blonde hair and Kanaya could see how her eyes were decorated with dark smokey purple pigment. She perused a book, her dainty ankles crossed. The human woman looked up and Kanaya could see a flash of lilac and-

“AQUAPONICS!” A voice next to her suddenly exclaimed and Kanaya jumped just a bit.

“Forgive me...a what now?” Kanaya turned to face the human that had surprised her out of her revelry.

The human was about a head shorter than Kanaya with long wild black hair and bright green eyes, the human pushed up their glasses and continued.

“The pond.” The human pointed out to the pond in the center of the clearing. “If you go to the lower levels you’ll see that the water continues underneath the roots! The trees and the first layer of dirt are supported by an artificial shelf that we can walk on! Underneath that, the roots are submerged and the fish swim freely underneath! We feed the fish, the fish poop and the plants are fertilized!”

Kanaya was actually really impressed.

The little human spread her arms wide and spun in a slow circle “And then all of the plants make oxygen that is pumped out to the rest of the facility!”

“OH!” The human slapped herself on the forehead “I’m forgetting something!”

She whirled towards Kanaya and extended her hand in what Kanaya has learned during orientation was a greeting gesture. The human’s fingers were almost completely covered in little brightly-colored strings. “I COMPLETELY forgot! My name is Jade I’m the head scientist!”

Kanaya took the human’s hand and gently shook it from side-to-side, she still wasn’t quite sure how it went…

Jade laughed and shook her hand up and down “It’s nice to meet you! I was told we were going to get a botany expert!” 

Kanaya laughed gently into a perfectly manicured hand “I will confess that I am excited at the prospect of working with Earth plants. There are very few Alternian plants that are actually edible....I had grown edible cave fungi before but never edible plants…”

Jade gasped and jumped up and down “Then you are going to LOVE working here!”

Jade walked down the glass hallway Kanaya following behind her, they passed glass-front labs and testing spaces with humans in white button-down frocks and safety glasses busily working on one thing or another. Kanaya observed a pair of red-headed human scientists aim something at a watermelon which promptly exploded. Smears of pink watermelon innards dripped down the other side of the glass walls.“This is the science sector! The offices are organized based on principle! Psychology, anthropology, archeology, chemistry, biochemistry…”

Jade walked into a laboratory where a short human sat hunched over several beakers. The human was short with big green eyes under large glasses, their long red hair was styled into a curly mohawk.

Jade clapped the human on the shoulder and he nearly jumped out of his skin, only barely saving the beakers he had been holding “This is Cas!”

Jade took the beaker out of his hand. The human tried to protest but was thoroughly ignored by Jade.Jade motioned towards the vial of white liquid “See whatever we can’t grow we synthesize here in the labs!”

Jade took a big swig of the liquid and Cas turned white as a sheet.

“OH MY GOSH!” Jade smiled at Cas “THIS IS GREAT!! You’ve made a perfect artificial synthesis of milk!!!”

Case frowned at the liquid. “...I was...I was trying to make lemonade…” he whispered dolefully.

Jade looked at the liquid and then back to Cas.

Cas looked at Jade.

Kanaya looked at Jade.

Cas looked at Kanaya.

Jade shrugged and chugged the rest of the beaker. She slapped his desk chair in a playful manner and set the poor scientist spinning, clutching his beakers desperately.

“Next time!!” Jade called over her shoulder as she and Kanaya left “You should try and make milk! Maybe we’ll get some lemonade!”

Jade continued down the hallway with Kanaya “Yeah and if you ever need tips on Earth plants let me know! I also LOVE plants!”

Kanaya smiled at her “Are you also a botanist?”

Jade shrugged “I have thumbs in SO MANY PIES!”

Kanaya winced confused. What does that have to do with anything?

Jade continued “I have several PHDs and masters degrees in the area of botany, chemistry, biochemistry and mechanical engineering! I’m pretty much overseeing everyone’s projects! I’m mostly calculating trajectory of the ship and charting space but yanno! Lots of pies!!!” 

Jade led Kanaya to a set of rooms completely lined with little palm-sized grey drawers. The laboratory was very large with long tables dominated by trays of seedlings. Large yellow orbs hung over the trays of seedlings like cheery miniature suns. A large window overlooked the greenhouse.

Jade opened one of the drawers on the wall, Jade pulled and pulled and the little drawer extended halfway into the room. The drawer was filled with little paper packets labeled in both Alternian and English as well as Chinese and Spanish. Jade trifled through the packets “This is our very extensive seed library! We have nearly every plant native to Earth represented in these vaults, we also have a great deal of Alternian plants! For safety reasons we don’t have any of the Alternian seed pods that spew hydrogen gas or ooze acid but there is quite a collection here!”

Kanaya smiled and eagerly flipped through the packets.

Jade saluted Kanaya and started to back out of the door. “Yeah so. I showed you the hydroponics plant...the office OH YEAH!”

Jade led Kanaya to the little window and pointed down towards the human workers in the garden “Those guys are your subordinates. Tell them to do things. BYE HAVE FUN!”

Kanaya looked shocked at the human workers below her window.

Oh my.

 

 

Aradia grinned and pressed her face against the glass of the oxygen factory, grinning widely at the human workers below, some of which were starting to get creeped out by her constant staring.

Under the rule of the Condescension archeological finds were routinely confiscated and suppressed, especially if those finds regarded the evolution of trolls or were from reigns before her Imperial Condescension.

The previous regime had tried to push a narrative that there had never been anything before the Condescension, that she was eternal and that Trolls always were a superior race destined for conquest against lesser worlds.

But Aradia had known better. She had searched the wilds of Alternia and she had found the evidence. Vast murals in temples long-forgotten and half buried in the desert sands where she saw past empresses, brief glimmers of what their planet was like before The Condescension’s hostile and bloody takeover. Caves marked with the three-fingered hand prints of their ancestors and broken pieces of pottery.

She had jealously guarded these treasures until Feferi gained power and she was able to come out of the dark so to speak, and find like-minded individuals such as herself to theorize with and present her finds to.

The archeological community on Alternia was small and fledgling but growing fast and Aradia Megido was one of the founding members! She still faced discrimination because of her caste, but even the most uppity of cobalts in the tiny archeology community had to begrudgingly admit that Aradia was an influential archaeologist.

And it was with Feferi and the new regime’s support that Aradia had found her biggest discover to date.

It was in a dry river basin deep in the Alternian desert, Aradia had been working on that site for months, retrieving pre-celestial primitive stone tools from the area. She had found horn fragments, pieces of bone…

In that river basin she had found a creature so similar in anatomy but so different than modern-day trolls! The prehistoric troll was more robust than modern-day trolls and has a considerable amount of plating across their bodies along with an extra set of arms below their normal ones!

Aradia had found proof of troll evolution!

Also the skull made a fabulous paperweight!

Aradia followed the little map down the corridor through the science sector. She waved at Kanaya who was in a laboratory surrounded by plants and looking like she was having the time of her life.

Kanaya waved back and smiled, quickly going back to some big weird orange human plant with the air of a child who had just been given free-reign of a toy store.

Aradia’s holo-document beeped cheerily signaling she had reached her destination. She turned to the laboratory and opened the door.

The room was filled with wooden shelves laden with old leather books, scrolls and interesting little specimens underneath glass domes. A line of old skulls adorned one shelf, having been arranged from older more robust skulls of what Aradia assumed were human ancestors to more gracile modern human skulls.

A human man popped up from a desk piled high with books. He was tall with lean muscle underneath a robust leather jacket. He had green eyes behind glasses and a wide kind-looking smile.

“MISS MEGIDO!” He greeted and quickly jumped across the room to shake her hand “It is absolutely fabulous to meet you! Positively CAPITAL! I’m doctor English! I read your thesis on the evolution of trolls on Alternia! Top notch!”

Aradia smiled at the human “I’m so glad you liked my thesis! Would you like to see the specimen?”

“ABSOLUTELY!”

 

Terezi kept her tongue on her holo-card as she walked through the corridors trying to find the security station. Her holo-card beeped to tell her she had arrived at her destination and she bumped into a glass booth. The human sitting at the booth sighed as Terezi felt up the glass he sat behind. The human sat despondently in the office, surrounded by display readings of ship functions, everywhere on the wall that did not have a display of some sort was covered entirely with butchered movie posters of “Paul Blart Mall Cop”. A furby sat on the worker’s desk.

The human blinked slowly and sighed “Welcome to the office of Safety and Security how may I help you?”

Terezi squinted at the human behind the glass barrier “I Was told to report here!”

The human touched their earpiece “Sir we have a troll here I-”

The human scowled at whatever the other human said back to them over the radio “No I’m not going to call you tha-”

The human sighed and their shoulders slumped “Alright FUCKING FINE! Lord awesome of all that is cool THERE IS A TROLL HERE REPORTING FOR DUTY!”

A human jumped up from somewhere behind the counter, knocking everything off of the desk causing the other human to yelp and jump up from their office chair. The human lounged across the desk, on his uniform there was a “World’s foxiest grandpa” pin.

“And how may I help you?”

Terezi grinned “Damn cool kid.”

Dave raised a single eyebrow over his shades and pointed through the glass at Terezi “You. I like you.”

The security office worker was still standing in the middle of the office “Will you get the FUCK off my desk!!!”

 

Nepeta sat in front of Equius as he loaded things into her backpack.

“Now Nepeta. It would behoove you not to act foolishly in front of your new commanding officer.”

Nepeta sighed and rolled her eyes. “Alright Equihiss.”

“Also I should hope that you would refrain from touching any aliens human or otherwise. We do not know if they are poisonous yet.”

Nepeta sighed and slumped against the floor. “Oh my GOSH Equius ok!”

Equius sighed and kissed her on the top of the head “I also took the liberty of packing a snack. Be careful.”

Nepeta squealed and hugged him tightly before running off “Don’t worry I’ll be purrfectly safe!”

Equius smiled as he watched her leave. He dusted off his uniform and set off to his own assignment.

Equius followed the map on his holo-card down deep into the ship. Equius came to a glass elevator overlooking the central oxygen factory, leaves brushed against the sides of the glass as he rode down, following the curve of the bubble. As Equius passed down below the dirt of the gardens water came into view, orange and white fish swam along the twisting tree roots.

The elevator came to a stop, a glowing sign in both Alternian and multiple human dialects welcomed him to facilities and engineering. The hydroponics plant was visible from above, the ceiling lined with swimming fish, making the light blue and wavery. 

“Oh hi der.” the human with that scruffy face hair thing humans sometimes get greeted him.

“Ahm Phil from facilities” The human was sitting on a lawn chair playing cards with another scruffy looking human on a crate.

“Greetings.” Equius nodded at the smaller beings.

Phil nodded back and pointed down the hallway “You must be da troll dat Strider boy was lookin fer.”

The other scruffy human piped in “Don’t say nothin’ bad about horses to em’”

Equius put a hand seriously to his heart. “I would NEVER say anything derogatory regarding anything of the equine nature! They are majestic and noble beasts!!”

The scruffy humans eyebrows were up by now. They looked at each other and then back to Equius.

“Ok den.” Phil answered back, eyes a little wide “You’ll do just fine den.”

Equius continued down the hallway until he reached a door marked “Engineering” his little holo-card beeped and informed him that he had arrived at his destination.

He opened the door and a blonde human sat at a workbench his uniform was unzipped to his middle, the sleeves tied around his waist exposing a black tank top and freckled shoulders. Something sparked in his hands and the human cursed.

“Pardon me.” Equius grumbled and the human turned to him, his fingers in his mouth.

“Oh holy hot damn….” The human stared at Equius.

The human shrugged, their angular shades reflecting off the light from the hydroponics “Your work bench is over there. My name is Dirk by the way.”

A little robotic rabbit handed Dirk a screwdriver. “Thanks Seb.” Dirk nodded at the rabbit and continued to work on the machinery in his hands. Little mechanical spider legs flailed wildly as he worked.

Dirk set the thing back down on the workbench and the little thing tittered out a happy little series of mechanical beeps and trills. “You’re welcome Felicia.” The human nodded at the little robot. A section of egg-like shell popped open at the top like a cork on a wine bottle. A little red robotic eye peeping out. The little robot cooed and extended their little head up and down with a happy little nod.

Dirk picked up the robot and the little bug curled up, their legs interlocking perfectly and rolling back into it’s body until it looked like a smooth opal-white egg. Dirk bounced it up and down in his hand a few times. 

“This is Felicia. She's one of the probes we send down onto a prospective planet to check the atmosphere and seismic activity and what not before sending in tactical teams.”

Dirk continued to toss Felicia up and down as he went to a door on the far side of the room and opened it. “Come on I’ll show you the rest.”

Equius followed Dirk outside of the workshop to a large hangar. Steel walkways clanked underneath their feet as they walked. The space seemed more industrial, more utilitarian than the rest of the gleaming white ship.

Multiple vehicles rested in the bay from motorcycle sized speeders to bubble-like pods that could fit a crew of about five. Rows of large egg-shaped structures loomed 10 or so feet tall, lining both sides of the room in what looked like chutes. Dirk hopped over the railing over the bay and onto a platform below. Equius took the stairs.

Equius was in the middle of contemplating just what in creation the egg-like structures were when one close to them gave a deep baritone thrumm and a spider-like leg separated from the rest of the structure and thunked down on the metal floor. The robot’s legs came apart from the rest of it’s egg-like body and began to scuttle. Their large legs clacking against the metal floor.

“God. Fucking. Dammit.” Dirk whirled towards the robot and the robot shrank back like a child scolded “Dammit Felicia go to bed.” The robot in dirk’s hand extended a spider leg and waved, cheerily beeped as they waved hello.

The larger robot swiveled their head back and forth in the facsimile of shaking their head.

Dirk sighed and pointed back to their dock. “I’m not going to ask again missy.”

The robot turned toward their dock sheepishly, they looked back at Dirk.

“Now. Felicia.” Dirk had his hands to his hips, his eyebrows above his shades.

The larger robot thrummed sadly and went back into their loading dock, settling in like a chicken on a nest before interlocking their legs again and tucking their head back into their shell.

Equius looked around the room and looked curiously at the larger robot. “Their design is quite elegant, your own manufacture?”

Dirk nodded “Yeah they’re all mine. I have other personal robotic projects but these are the ladies. Say hi Felicias”

The robots lining the walls all hummed happily in their docks.

“F.E.L.I.C.I.A stands for fast, electronic, legged, intro-dynamic, carbon, intelligence, agent.”

Equius pondered this for a moment “You just made that up didn’t you?”

Dirk nodded, impassive behind his angular shades. “Yes I did.”

Equius pondered the human in front of him. 

This is going to be…

Interesting to say the least.

 

Nepeta trotted next to Tavros as they walked to their new assignment, Eridan and Vriska following close behind.

Vriska looked down at her holo-card glumly “Mission support? LAME.”

Eridan huffed “I KNOWW WRIGHT?”

Vriska smirked at him and raised a fist “At least we’ll be also to punch alien chumps in the face.”

Tavros turned to Vriska nervously “Isn’t this whole mission to ...um… gather scientific stuff while um...being peaceful?”

Vriska rolled her eyes “What a fucking wimp.”

Tavros hunched his shoulders and turned away. Nepeta put a hand on his arm and scowled at Vriska.

The four of them made to the central part of them ship. Nepeta squished her face against the glass as the elevator descended down the bubble of the oxygen plant, down past the layer of dirt and underneath the aquaponics, both Eridan, Nepeta and Tavros watched the fish swim in fascination while Vriska yawned and picked at her nails. The elevator stopped near the bottom of the oxygen plant before veering sideways towards the rear of the ship.

The elevator door opened and a bright holographic sign red “Mission support.” in both Alternian and several other human languages. Trolls and humans milled about in an open space about the size of a football field, clumps of humans and trolls respectfully chattering amongst themselves in separate cliques. 

Lawn chairs were set up in a circle around a podium. A tall olive-skinned man wearing a honolulu sharks baseball team t-shirt came to the podium. His hair was grey and his face was lined with age but he was thick with powerful muscles making themselves known under his t-shirt.

“Alright Cha assholes.” The man addressed the crowd in a thick hawaiian accent “Get to yah seats.”

The humans quickly sat down in their respective seats. While some trolls lower on the hemospectrum obeyed other cobalt and purple trolls scoffed and remained standing.

The human turned his harsh brown-eyed stare to the troll stragglers “DO YOU THINK I WAS JOKING BRUDDAH?”

The trolls that had remained standing felt a shiver run down their spines, their fins and ears flattening.

The human smacked the podium and the wood splintered. He leaned over and glared at the trolls. His voice was impossibly deep as he spoke. “DO YA TINK DIS IS SOME KINDA GAME?”

He leaned back and scowled down at the trolls “GET CHA SKINNY LITTLE ASSES IN DOS SEATS OR GET DA FUCK OUT OF MY SQUAD ROOM GO BE A JANITOR OR SOME SHIT!”

Tavros perked up “We have a choice?” He tried to stand up and leave but Nepeta pulled him back down to his seat by his sleeve.

Eridan huffed as he sat down “My ass is NOT skinny…”

Upon hearing their choices were sitting down on a lawn chair or janitorial duties the purple and blue-blooded trolls grumbled but made their ways to their seats.

The human harrumphed at the trolls and straightened his back. “I ahm commandah Keani Kapule and I will NOT tolerate insubordination!”

“You have been chosen because you represent the best that both planets have to offah. Wherever you came from whether it was American special forces, Beijing tactical forces, Spetnaz the Russian special forces, Alternian tactical teams or WHEREVER, we are all here for one ting.”

Commander Kapule fixed them all with a harsh stare “The office of Safety and Security will handle disagreements and personal infractions among crew member but us?” He stared down the audience “We are what stands between whatevah we will find out deh and dis ship. You will accompany outgoing teams of scientists onto prospective planets and KEEP DEM SAFE.”

He walked across the stage where an underling handed him a circular device, white and opalescent like the rest of the ship but with veins of white light shining through it. Commander Kapule fixed the device around his wrist and it whirred mechanically before constricting around his wrist and spreading until it resembled a white gauntlet around his knuckles.

“You will all be receiving a personal combat device or PCD for short.”

He waved his hand and around the gauntlet broken refractions of light seemingly arranged themselves in the air, seemingly turning solid like glass before arranging themselves in the shape of a gun that shone between the glass-like plates with a shimmering sort of energy. “These devices work off of hard-light technology.”

An underling set up a target on the stage and Commander Kapule aimed the gun. With a loud whirring zap a bright beam of light came from the gun and incinerated the target. “Every PCD comes pre-loaded with a blastah though if you want a setting above stun you will have to go through blastah safety and ethics training before you receive a code for a lethal blaster”

Keani waved his hand again and the blaster disappeared and the shattered pieces of light reformed and lengthened into a sword before rearranging themselves into a whip and then an axe. “You may train and gain codes for other weapons as well, show proficiency with a weapon and I will give you the code to unlock it on your device.”

“And don’t even TINK about trading codes, an individual code will only work on one PCD.”

The Axe in Keani’s hands dissolved and he put his hands to his hips. “PCDs will record every time they are used and if I find ANY OF YOU whipping out ya weapons when DEY SHOULDN’T BE I WILL REIGN HELLFIRE AHN YA ASSES.”

The axe reappeared in Keani’s hand “You will never again lose your weapon or be defenseless. Once disconnected from a PCD a hard-light weapon will dissolve.” he dropped the axe and it immediately shattered into fragments of light before disappearing altogether.

“Now.” he addressed the crowd “You will be sorted into units. Da humans have been on the ship a bit longah so look to dem if you have questions. Your unit commanders will be the ones in charge of personal training proficiency and code-keeping. Your unit number should now appear on your holo-cards.”

Trolls and humans alike looked to their beeping cards. “LOOK!” Nepeta jiggled Tavros’s shoulder “We have the same numpurr!”

Vriska sauntered over to them and put a hand around Tavros’s shoulder “Well it’s your lucky day Tavros…” She smirked and Tavros stiffened me and Eridan ALSO have the same number!”

A sandy-haired human with teal eyes approached the group followed by a small grumpy-looking ginger, a tall dark-skinned woman, a frail waifish woman with white hair and grey eyes and a grumpy-looking indigo his face-made up with paint in the rough shape of a luchador’s mask.

“Hi!” the sandy-haired human greeted them “My name is Sergeant Michael Thompson and I’m your unit leader!” He pointed towards the waifish-looking woman “This is my sister Ruth!”

The indigo looked down at the little human woman and her grey eyes “What the fuck we’re letting JUVENILES up in this?”

The little woman whirled towards him, hell in her grey eyes. “I am 26 YOU FUCK!” She pointed up at him, her finger only making it halfway up the massive indigo’s chest “AND I WILL BREAK YOU!!”

The indigo sniggered and Ruth balled her hands into fists. Sergeant Thompson quickly got in between his sister and the troll. “God dammit Ruth.”

The other darker human woman introduced herself. Her hair hung in long braids going down her back, she had black shades on and a red leather jacket on over a black uniform. “The name is Ashleigh.” Nepeta waved cheerily and Ashleigh smiled down at her.

“Pssht.” Eridan scoffed “human names are so stupid.

Ashleigh responded only with raising her middle finger.

“AH HA HA!” Sergeant Thompson batted her hand down “Come on guys lets be nice!”

The ginger human in the group lit a cigarette and eyed Vriska distrustfully. Eridan coughed as the smoke reached his gills “this ones got a weird-ass eye.”

Vriska scowled at the ginger human and he blew a puff of smoke in her face.

Sergeant Thompson batted the cigarette away and hissed at the ginger “FOR FUCKS SAKE HENRY.” He then smiled awkwardly at Vriska “So sorry Miss he didn’t mean it!”

Sergeant Thompson turned to the large indigo-blood “So uh..whats your name?”

The indigo shrugged and scratched the back of their head “Uh...My name is Churro.” 

Ruth brightened up at that and started to snicker. Michael turned to her horror on his face “Ruth no.”

“What??” Ruth laughed so hard she wheezed with it “Like the fucking mexican donut?”

The indigo turned to her resentfully “I AIN’T NO GODDAMN DONUT!”

Ruth turned to Ashleigh and they both sniggered as Ruth played mariachi music on her phone. Churro was seething with rage and Sergeant Thompson desperately tried to take his sister’s phone.

Nepeta looked over her new team.

This is going to be clawfully difficult.

 

Sollux and the two other yellow-bloods followed the maps on their holo-cards to their new assignments. They came to center of the ship and boarded an elevator going up. Plants swayed below them through the glass sides of the elevator. They came to a stop near the top of the ship, they passed the bridge where the captain seemed to be explaining something to Karkat.

Sollux had been worried that Karkat had been thrown off the ship after Karkat’s outburst and Gamzee’s incident. He hoped the captain went easy on him. He waved a little to Karkat and Karkat gave him a reassuring smile behind the captain’s back.

Sollux continued on until he found an office titled in multiple languages “Technology services”. He and the two other yellow-bloods went into the room.

One side of the room was lined completely with glass, overlooking the central oxygen plant. Rows upon rows of gleaming white square towers filled the room. A human woman in a white uniform had removed a panel on one of these gleaming stacks and was halfway-inside the machine and muttering to herself.

Sollux leaned down next to the woman “Uh...Are you the thupervisthor? We were told to report here.”

The human woman yelped in surprise and banged her head on something inside the machine “OH MY GOD OWW!”

The human woman wiggled herself out from the machine. She had white-blonde hair that went past her ears and cute curled bangs, her hair was mussed from time spent in the machine and she had black goggles over her eyes. Her uniform was unzipped and a pink sports bra showed. 

She popped up from the floor and presented a hand “Hi I’m Roxy! And omg yes I totally AM your supervisor!”

She removed the panel off the machine all they way “We are working with a joint of both human and troll technology!" The inside of the machine had mountains of wiring joining what looked like screens of glowing spider-silk. Roxy took one of the screens from their slot and showed it to Sollux and the two others. 

“See instead of using straight-up brains from dudes like on Altenian ships we are using cloned material!” The panel glimmered wetly “These right here are cloned brain cells! We store them on these sheets and the sheets are stacked in these computer towers!”

She leaned in towards the yellow-bloods. “This technology doesn’t run on psiionics anymore but you all will be able to COMMUNE with the biometrics on the ship! Pretty goddamn neat am I right?”

The human woman smiled and took off her goggles, wiping her eyes.

Sollux looked over the bio-mainframe and smiled. He turned to the human woman and-

Pink.

Roxy smiled at him her pink eyes twinkling. “Come on. I’ll show you guys your offices.”

The two yellow-bloods behind him were also stunned. Roxy looked nervously between the three of them, her pink eyes flickering. “What? Do I have something between my teeth?”

Nobody told Sollux he was going to have a Princess for a boss in technology services.

Someone really should have told him that.

 

Karkat was a little unnerved.

The six burly humans that Captain Egbert- wait shit- JOHN sent to bring his luggage to the top deck had probably expected more than one measly suitcase which left the other six humans standing awkwardly in the elevator on either sides of him like a burly human sandwich.

Through the glass elevator Karkat could see the lofty branches of the oxygen factory as the elevator whizzed up towards the top of the ship. Karkat watched the trees zip by and he thought he saw a pair of curved horns from a window on the other side of the bubble but he couldn’t be sure.

One of the large humans looked down at him “So you’re going to be our new co-captain yeah?”

Karkat stiffened. All of these humans had both height and weight advantages over him, that plus given the size of the space-

The human continued “Good! I hope you’ll do well!”

The other five burly humans murmured in agreement.

“Wait.” Karkat’s brows furrow “that's it? No questions, no disbelief, just ‘hope you’ll do well’??”

The humans nodded. “Well yeah.” another human piped up.

Karkat sputtered. “Why THE HELL would you just-”

The human shrugged “We trust John. And John trusts you so therefore we trust you.”

A human in the back pumped his hands into the air “YEAH CAPTAIN JOHN FUCK YEAH TACO TUESDAY!”

The other five humans chanted back in unison “FUCK YEAH TACO TUESDAY!”

Karkat’s ears were flattened back and the first human that had spoken seemed to realize his agitation. “We served on John’s previous ship. Taco Tuesday is a tradition on his ships.”

Karkat was saved from having explained what a fucking TACO TUESDAY was by a bunch of giant ass humans by the elevator FINALLY reaching its destination.

And by being saved Karkat meant dumped into a DIFFERENT hell as the captain himself greeted him at the elevator, all bright unnaturally blue eyes and big dopey smile.

“Hi Karkat!” The fucking captain chirped and ACTUALLY waved to him like a grub seeing their lusus come home.

John picked up Karkat’s suitcase for him, Karkat was about to protest but John only walked briskly down the hall, humming all the way. Karkat followed him, muttering something dire under his breath.

John and Karkat came to a door and John quickly swiped a key card before handing the card to Karkat “This is your room key! Don’t lose it!”

Karkat was about to tell him a creative place to stuff his key card when the door opened up and he lost his ability to speak. One side of the suite of rooms was entirely glass, looking down at the oxygen factory below. The interior was entirely white with smooth rounded furniture trimmed with mirrored edges. A Recuperacoon had been thoughtfully placed in the main bedroom. A separate door led to a bathroom twice the size of his previous lodgings. A pearly white kitchen was set off to the side along with a crystal clear table and set of chairs.

Karkat gaped at the room. He was almost afraid to touch the immaculate setting.

“Are you…” Karkat whispered “Are you sure this is mine?”

John grinned at him. “Well you are the co-captain after all!” he laughed and in this beautiful setting Karkat almost didn’t want to punch him.

Almost.

Karkat was in the middle of admiring the way the clear plexiglass shone and wondering worriedly how fast all this white bullshit will STAIN when John laid a hand on his shoulder.

Karkat yelped and jumped back. John smiled apologetically. “Sorry alien pal. I didn’t realize how zoned out you were.” He smiled winningly “Come on I have more things to show you.”

Karkat hissed to himself. Damn fucking touchy humans.

John led Karkat to a pearly white office in the suite of rooms. The back door of the office led to Karkat’s suite, unlocked only with Karkat’s key card while the other door led into the hallway. Karkat sat down in the desk chair, the faux leather squeaking awkwardly. John leaned over Karkat and engaged the holographic display with a wave of his hand. 

“This computer is just like the one in my office! It connects to the entire ship!” 

Karkat scrolled through security camera, he saw Equius and a blonde-haired freckled human fiddling with a little egg-shaped robot, an angry-looking indigo chased a laughing little human woman down a hallway, Kanaya was watering flowers.

John waved again and a screen titled PCD USE came up. “This display shows who is using their personal combat devices.” a little light labeled K.KAPULE flickered on and off. “Kapule must be demonstrating to the new recruits…”

Another little light flashed on and off rapidly. “Huh…” John tapped at the little light “What the heck Dave…”

 

Dave strider sat at the back of his office, Paul Blart Mall cop movie posters hung in on every available surface. “AND IT’S THERE!” he yelled as he turned on his PCD and a gleaming sword appeared in his hands “AND IT’S GONE! AND IT’S THERE! AND IT’S GONE!” Dave rapidly appeared and dissolved and appeared the sword again. Something buzzed in the radio on in his ear piece. “Dude. Call me Lord Awesome of all that is cool….well if you aren’t going to say it I’m not coming out...That's my guy! Alright coming out!”

John shrugged at the blinking light. “Huh. Weird. I should ask Roxy about that.”

“Hey ROX??” John yelled out of the doorway.

A little blonde-haired woman popped out of an office on the far-side of the hall “What is it Johnnie boy?”

“Can you check the PCD server??”

The human woman frowned “My new recruits will be here any minute!!”

“PLEASE? It will only take a second!”

“UGH.” Roxy threw back her head dramatically “FINE.”

“Thank youuuu!”

John popped back into Karkat’s new office “Come on I’ll show you the bridge!”

Karkat and John walked onto the bridge and immediately a short human woman greeted John “Captain. We’re approaching a new planet.”

John nodded and touched his earpiece. “Captain to engineering do you copy?”

 

Dirk and Equius paused what they were doing as John’s voice rang through the hangar on the intercom.

Dirk touched his own earpiece “Engineering to Captain what the fuck do you want?”

 

John smiled to himself “Send probes to the planet below.”

 

Dirk smirked “Aye Aye captain.” he went to a panel on the side of the room closest to the stairs the panel displayed around 60 buttons all labeled ‘FELICIA’. He touched six of the buttons and the docks under the six corresponding probes opened up and the robots traveled out of the tubes and into space.

“Bye Felicia.” Dirk whispered.

 

John smiled at Karkat “See we send probes in before to determine whether or not it is safe enough to send in a ground team. They are outfitted with camouflage and are cloaked from most major forms of-”

Karkat saw Sollux look in worriedly from the hallway, waving shyly. Karkat smiled in what he hoped was a reassuring way.

 

Scientists rushed through the hallway outside of Kanaya’s lab. Jade pumped her fist and jumped a bit in the air excitedly “WHOOO!! NEW PLANET YOU GUYS!”

 

Jake English smiled at his new co-worker “Ah! A new planet? Tell me miss Megido, do you think there are any archaeological finds of any interest there?”

Aradia smiled back at him “Well Mr.English, I suppose there is only one way to find out.”

 

A red alarm flashed through the mission support area. “OY.” Commander Kapule yelled “WE HAVE A LIVE ONE! TO YAH STATIONS!”

 

A video display came over the window of the bridge of the planet below. The display showed a split-screen of the footage from each of the six probes. Dusky orange skies filled the screen along with bright purple forests and obsidian-black hills.

Here standing victoriously on the bridge of his ship, tall and muscular, his hands behind his back and determination in his eyes Karkat thought that for the first time since he had known him John looked like a captain.

“Well…” John turned to Karkat and smirked challengingly. “Are you ready?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Cas the scientist was played by Skyshines here on AO3!  
> Ashleigh the mission support badass is played by VampireTrickster!
> 
> I hope you like my ship! Tell me what you think!


	6. Planet 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John, Karkat and crew explore their first planet.

Dirk sat in his work station looking at a wall of monitors intensely, each screen showing streams of numbers, charts and real-time graphs. The blue light of the monitors made his face paler, sharp shadows across his cheeks as the blue light reflected off his glasses. A Furby sat on his desk.

Dirk touched his headset. “Jade, Janey are you seeing this?”

Jane stalked through her medstation, pouring over the data on the monitors in front of her as well as her personal tablet. “Yes darn it Dirk there is no reason to go about shouting in my ear I can hear you just fine.”

Dirk smiled at his set of screens “Might want to turn down your hearing aid there Grandma.”

Jane pinched her lips and raised a fist. “Buster why I oughta…”

Jade giggled over the shared frequency “HELLO? There is SCIENCE happening LIVE people!”

Jane waved off the nagging “Yes well I have been comparing the chemical samples from the atmosphere gathered by the probes-”

Dirk scoffed in mock offense. “Janey my girls have NAMES. Don’t use them for their scanners and not call them back after the first date.”

Jane rolled her eyes “Fine, I have been comparing the chemical samples gathered by THE FELICIAS against both troll and human biometric maps, the air is breathable to both species and while there have been toxic substances found, as long as no one eats a foreign plant or licks a rock we’ll be fine for sending in ground teams.”

Jade looked over her own tablet, her tongue peeking out from the side of her mouth in concentration. “There is a much higher oxygen content then we’re all used to which ought to be refreshing, but at the same time we should tell the ground teams not to smoke or use matches under any circumstance unless they want to burn their eyebrows off”

Dirk chugged an orange soda. “What I want to know is why we as a even have eyebrows in the first place, what do they even do? On that note why the heck do trolls have eyebrows? Why does anyone have eyebrows?”

Jane sighed and touched her earpiece. “Captain are you getting this?”

John grinned where he was on the bridge, Karkat bored next to him. “Loud and clear! Eyebrows!”

Karkat scowled at John. What the shit?

John only grinned like confusing the shirt alien was the funniest thing in the world.

Which it was.

John tapped his communicator “Any signs of animal life?”

Jade scrolled through the footage from the Felicias “I’m seeing nothing bigger than a toaster but you should still keep your phasers at the ready, you never know am I right?”

“Word.” Dirk nodded.

“Good!” John beamed “I want to be with the first team to go planetside.”

“WOOO!” Jade yelled into her device and made all participants in the conversation wince. “Get in there!!!”

Jane frowned “Are you sure John? You’re the captain little brother we need you alive.”

“Didn’t you say that anyone would be fine unless they ate a strange plant or licked a rock?” Dirk queried. “Oh shit then John is the last person we should send, there's no telling how many rocks he will lick.”

John rolled his eyes at Dirk’s comment. Dammit it was ONE time. “It’s our first planet! A historic moment! I have to go!”

Jane shrugged but still looked pensive “Alright be safe little brother.”

John smiled brightly “Will do!”

John turned off his com and turned to Karkat, smiling even brighter “Ready to help explore the brand new planet?”

Karkat rolled his eyes “Why the fuck would I want to spend my valuable ass time rolling around on some forsaken turdloaf of a back-water planet with YOU?”

John shrugged and started to head out the door “Whatever suit yourself.”

He turned towards Karkat on his way out, a mischievous look in his eyes. “I guess you won’t get to name anything after yourself….”

One of Karkat’s ears flipped up in interest despite himself “What? Naming things?”

John grinned “Human rules, whoever discovers something first gets to name it!”

Karkat rolled his eyes “That's a stupid fucking system, no wonder human shit has weird fucking names.”

John snorted “Well on the probe footage I saw a pretty big mountain. I think I’ll call it-” John threw up his hands and made a rainbow-motion in the air “John-a-topia!!”

Karkat’s eyes narrowed. “Not unless I get there first.”

Jahn raised an eyebrow “And I thought you said you weren’t going to go?”

Karkat pushed past John and into the hallway with an irritated huff “That's before you threatened to name shit after yourself. Not even THIS planet deserves a fate as shitty as being named after your gangly ass.”

John followed Karkat into the hall “That's the spirit!”

 

In the mission operations base on the underside of the ship under the oxygen factory Karkat changed into a mission uniform that had been provided for him, he thumbed the three bars across the sleeves and the insignia on the right side of the chest.

Captain.

It’s actually happening isn’t it?

Someone started pounding on the door and Karkat definitely didn’t squeak in surprise.

Nope.

“KARKAT” John yelled on the other side of the door “Come on you’ve been taking forever!”

Karkat rolled his eyes and started to put his suit on “FOR FUCKS SAKE KEEP YOUR PANTS ON YOU INSUFFERABLE SHIT LICK.”

Karkat came out of the stall to glare at John but the taller human only gave him a buck-toothed grin and tossed him a helmet and a white bracelet-looking thing.

 

“Thats your personal PCD.“ John explained as Karkat slid it across his wrist, the mechanism quickly coming to life and spreading across Karkat’s wrist and hand.

“The executive code is Buttz123JohnIsBestDad5ever.”

The mechanism beeped cheerily “executive code confirmed.”

Karkat raised an eyebrow. 

John looked away, a pink blush spreading across his cheeks to his ears “In my defense I thought I was going to be the only one using that code.”

 

Karkat followed John to the aircraft hangar, Humans and Trolls alike were loading equipment into small crew pods destined for the planet surface.

Karkat held his head up resolutely even as trolls stopped their work to stare at the three stripes on his arm and the insignia on his chest. 

He could handle those fuckers, he knew that a mutant couldn’t miraculously rise to the rank of captain without raising a few eyebrows. He would have to-

He heard the squealing but before he could react a pair of overexcited troll girl arms were wrapped around his midsection tight enough to take his breath away.

“KARKITTY!!!!” Nepeta squealed and nuzzled into Karkat’s chest. She jumped up and down in her pearly white uniform. “WE SAW YOU GO TO THE CATKIN’S OFFICE WE WERE SCARED THAT HE WOULD KICK YOU MEOWT AND-”

Nepeta leaned back and stared at the insignia on Karkat’s chest “Karkitty….you’re wearing the catkin’s unifurm…”

Karkat rolled his eyes “Yeah...about that...For whatever fucking reason I’m now-”

Nepeta squished Karkat’s cheeks together before he could finish “YOU’RE A CATKIN!!!”

Karkat pushed her off his face “FOR FUCK’S SAKE NEPETA FUCKING QUIET DOWN!”

Nepeta’s nose crinkled “I AM BEING QUIET!” she shrieked.

“BE QUIETER!!” Karkat yelled back.

“Wait what?” Tavros turned from where he had been helping a ginger human load a box into a pod. As soon as Tavros let go of the box the human had been holding the human turned red-face with effort and fell to the ground, dropping the box with a loud clatter.

“Thats um...that's actually pretty cool…”Tavros smiled earnestly at Karkat.

Eridan looked up from where he had been leaning against the pod and texting “Kar is a captain noww??” he turned and banged his head against the pod “the univverse hates me…”

Vriska rolled her heys “fucking wasted opportunity if you ask me.” Vriska tossed her hair over a shoulder “I’ll offer my services as the next captain as soon as you fail miserably.”

Nepeta scowled at her and turned back to Karkat “You’ll do PAWSOME Karkitty”

Nepeta grinned at Karkat and he smiled weakly back at her.

Churro looked at Karkat suspiciously. “....I don’t trust im’...”

Ruth paused where she had been loading a medical kit into the pod. “You don’t trust what?”

Churro jumped a little and turned to her “You know!” he waved vaguely at Karkat “HE’S A...YOU KNOW!!!”

Ruth rolled her eyes and went back to packing the ship.

 

John and Karkat boarded a pod, when the seats ran out John offered his seat to a blushing Nepeta. John braced himself against a support railing. Ruth sat in the pod’s pilot seat, the controls coming to life under her hands with a multitude of beeps and lights flickering. “Alright fuckers!” She yelled behind her to the occupants of the pod.

“RUTH.” Michael hissed at his sister “THE CAPTAIN IS HERE.”

John shrugged “It’s alright!”

Ruth raised her eyebrows at the occupants of the pod “AS I WAS SAYING- ALRIGHT FUCKERS ARE YOU READY FOR ATMOSPHERIC DROP?!!”

Eridan’s eyebrows raise “Wwait drop?”

John adjusted himself where he held the railing and smiled at the other passengers “You’ll get used to it!”

The hangar bay doors opened and Ruth piloted the pod out of the hangar the pod gently bobbing out, Nepeta waved at Equius who was standing on the walkway over the hangar, he waved back and Nepeta giggled and settled back into her seat. “This isn’t so clawful…”

Ruth spoke again “Initiating drop in 3,2,1.” she flipped a switch and

“....Oh dear…” Equius muttered and turned pale as he watched the gently bobbing pod drop like a hot potato.

The pod dropped and the force of the drop slammed Karkat into his safety belt. Nepeta was screaming, lilac clouds swirled around the pod furiously, Tavros threw up which was immediately pinned to the ceiling with the force of the fall.

Karkat’s eyes were watering, his stomach felt like it was several feet over head, his horns were throbbing he looked up at John and-

John still stood, the muscles on his arms straining against the railing and his brow furrowed in concentration but other than that he seemed calm even as the rest of the passengers screamed.

Ruth gritted her teeth “PASSING THROUGH EXOSPHERE INTO THERMOSPHERE.”

Little bursts of flame flashed and flickered and streaked across the windows of the pod as they descended.

Ruth hooped and hollered and raised her hands over head “LOOK NO HANDS!”

“FOR FUCKS SAKE RUTH!” her brother yelled at her and Ruth giggled and returned her hands.

“ALRIGHT EVERYONE WE’RE IN THE STRATOSPHERE HANG ON TO YOUR ASSES WE’RE COMING IN FOR A LANDING.”

“WWE’RE GONNA DIE!!!” Eridan screamed and Vriska laughed manically and kicked her feet.

Something whirred under the pod and the pod’s descent seemed to slow slightly as the atmospheric entry stabilizers kicked in. Karkat’s ears were ringing. The orange and pink sky of the new planet was now visible out of the obsidian-black landscape rolled out underneath the pod. On either sides other gleaming pods were visible where their small crews were also preparing to land.

Ruth pressed a series of buttons and eight spider-like legs emerged from the side. “Huh…” Tavros mused as he looked out the window “It's kinda like Alternian tech…” 

“Yeah.” Ruth answered from the cockpit “Humans have gotten all kinds of ideas from you guys!”

A herd of something blue and long-legged fled as the pod touched down in a field of some sort of curly magenta plant.

As the pod reached the ground Tavros’s vomit that had been pinned to the ceiling splattered back down and into Vriska’s hair.

“TAVROS!!!!!!!!” Tavros hunched in on himself wide-eyed and leaned away from the enraged Vriska.

As soon as the pod fully landed, John let go of the railing and stretched “Nothing like an atmosphere drop to really wake you up in the morning!” He grinned.

Karkat shot him a venomous look and stumbled out of the pod holding his stomach.

The crew exited the pod and surveyed their surroundings, the black dirt crunched under their feet, the smell of the magenta plants filled the air. The blue long-legged animals wandered back into the field to inspect the pod, the looked like incredibly lanky blue deer with blue scaled pelts, one arched paddle-shaped horn on each of their heads, slits along their neck hinted at the presence of gills.

One blue deer-like creature wandered over to the group, their knees high above the heads of the group members. They raised the PCDs at the creature but it only snuffled at them before deciding that they were thoroughly uninteresting and going off to graze on the magenta plants in the field.

“Alright!” John address the group. “Select the scanner function on your PCDs.” A clear and slender looking gun with a wide head appeared in John’s hands as he activated the proper setting on the PCD.

John pointed at the deer while the lanky animal was off grazing, pulling up magenta plants with three spiney tongues before pulling the plants back into its mouth to chew.

“Here!” John leaned over Nepeta and showed her how to activate the proper settings. He gently lifted her arm to aim at the beast, Nepeta’s tongue was peeking past her lips slightly and her brows were furrowed with concentration.

“And scan!” John commanded and Nepeta pushed the trigger. The deer seemed mildly startled with the mild white light that came from the gun but quickly got over it, going back to grazing on the magenta plants.

The gun beeped in Nepeta’s hands “Congratulations!” the screen read, “You have discovered a new species! Please enter name!”

“Wow!” John grinned down at her “You were the first out of the crews to scan this creature! What do you want to call it? Of course it will get a scientific name later when the science teams get the scan but I thought it would be fun to let discoverers pick out a name as well”

Nepeta looked down at the CPD screen and back up at the creature. The creature meandered over to snuffle at her hair. “Well.” she giggled as the creature blinked at her with side-ways eyelids “It’s clawfully big...but furry sweet so…” She giggled and typed into the screen.

“Equihiss :3”

Tavros looked over her shoulder “Aww Nep...That's actually um...pretty sweet of you..I’m sure he’ll like it…”

Vriska rolled her eyes and a blue deer leaned down to sound a warbling bleat in her ear. “Yeah right. Name a bunch of useless gangly deer after your useless sweaty morail.”

Nepeta turned towards Vriska, a dark look in her eyes, she pushed up a sleeve of her uniform. “YOU WANNA FUCKING GO BITCH???” she shrieked high-pitched.

Vriska stared wide-eyed back at Nepeta.

As Nepeta chased Vriska frothing across the field of purple alien flowers John showed the rest of the team another PCD function. John turned his PCD to a setting labeled ‘BEACON’ “We’re going to be using beacons for just about everything so let me show you.” When the Beacon function was activated a little spinning white diamond shape formed in his palm, little panes of hard-light forming into the little glowing beacon. A query box showed up on his screen and John typed in “MAGENTA FLOWER FIELD” and threw the little beacon into the air where is continued up until they couldn’t see it’s little glowing flicker anymore.

“You use beacons to label important landmarks, if you find something interesting but can’t move it yourself and need to find it again or if you want to remember where you left the space pod.”

John shrugged and continued “Otherwise if you’re in trouble use the emergency button in the Beacon settings and we’ll send in a rescue team from the ship, are we clear?”

The crew nodded seriously.

“Good!” John grinned “WHOEVER FINDS THE MOST WINS!”

John took off running, hooping and hollering, and the team scrambled off in all directions, trailing through the purple flowers with their scanners held aloft.

Karkat ran after John “DON’T THINK I DIDN’T FORGET ABOUT NOT LETTING YOU NAME THINGS STUPID SHIT!!!”

John just laughed and kept running.

Karkat concentrated and took off into a sprint, quickly passing John as they ran through the flowers “HA!” Karkat shot triumphantly back and John just grinned as kept running.

Karkat ran until his lungs started to hurt, trolls were designed to be ambush predators not long-distance runners and he soon found himself hyperventilating and slowing down.

John trotted past him “Hi Karkat!” John grinned brightly.

Karkat growled “OH NO YOU FUCKING DON’T.” Karkat gave another burst of speed and passed John again. He was breathing heavily, sweat running down his face but fuck if he was going to let THAT GANGLE GOOBER WIN THEN-

Karkat yelped as his own legs betrayed him, a cramp immobilized his left leg and he was flung face-first into the field of flowers.

A pair of grey boots approached him from where he laid on the ground and a grinning face with too-bright blue eyes came into his field of vision.

“You alright there alien bud?”

Karkat just growled.

Karkat and John sat on the edge of the cliff where the purple field of flowers suddenly gave way to a steep drop, green water lapped at the cliffside below where they were standing.

John offered a canteen “Want some water? You really wore yourself out.”

Karkat yanked the canteen from his hands and tried not to look John in the eyes “FUCK YOU.” He muttered but drank gratefully from the canteen.

Both human and alien were enjoying how the orangish sun reflected off the green water, a calm between them and-

“Mep.” stated a furry little lump that was sitting between them.

“GAH.” Karkat tried to jump back but mostly just fell on his side, he scooted away from the little furry thing and aimed his PCD at the creature. It was nearly spherical, a little blue-grey lump of fur about the size of a basketball. If the creature had eyes or a face of any sort it was hidden completely under its not so inconsiderable mass of fluff.

“Oh hey little buddy.” John addressed the creature and the little furry lump turned it’s attention to him.

“MEP.” it stated more forcefully.

John shrugged “We’re just passing through.”

The lump settled back next to John. “Mep.” it stated contentedly.

John unwrapped a granola bar and broke it in half, offering the other half. “Would you like some granola.”

Karkat frowned at John “WHAT THE SHIT DON’T FEED IT.”

“Mep.” The creature chittered and two gangly and scaley rat-like arms spurted out from the top of the ball of fluff each little arm ending in three sharp fingers. John offered the granola bar and the two hands accepted the treat, reeling back until the granola was brought to some hidden mouth where the bar was chewed noisily, little bits of granola flinging up and around its general vicinity.

John scanned the little creature while it was munching ravenously on the granola.

“Huh.” John looked over the bioscan which looked like a basketball filled with thick fluid covered with hair. “It doesn’t have bones...or organs really…”

The creature once again turned it’s attention to John. Eight or more identical rat arms spurted from the top of the ball, there was an odd squishing sound as the arms moved from the top of the ball to the bottom until the arms were splayed on the ground to serve as little grabby legs. The creature took hold of John’s wrist and started to climb his arm.

John stayed very still.

“John.” Karkat whispered as the ball of fluff settled on John’s head, the little gangly arms retracting until it was once again almost completely spherical. “I’m going to get it off your head don’t...move…”

“Mep.” the creature stated, enjoying the sunset.

John tensed. “...Karkat...I don’t think it's going to hurt me...don’t…”

But Karkat was already poised with a heavy turquoise veined stick he had found on the ground. “Alright….” Karkat whispered “One….” He tested the stick in his hands.

“Karkat NO.” John hissed.

“TWO….” Karkat pulled back like a golfer about the swing.

“THAT IS A DIRECT ORDER.” John hissed under his breath as the ball of fluff snuggled into his head.

“Well I’m the same rank as you know so….” Karkat tested his swing without hitting John or the ball of fluff, John could feel the breeze from the swing and tensed.

“Don’t worry.” Karkat hissed “don’t move and I won’t hit you…”

“KARKA-”

“THREE!” Karkat swung with all his might, hitting the ball of fluff and sending it careening off the cliff. In a desperate scrabbling to remain on it’s perch the little ball of fluff accidentally took John’s glasses with it as it fell.

“MEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeppppppppppp!” It screeched as it fell in a wide arc over the cliff until it splashed into the water a good distance from the shore.

John lept from where he had been sitting to lean over the cliff “SHIT DO YOU THINK IT’S OK??”

Karkat shrugged. “Oh shit-”

John turned back to Karkat, his bright eyes unobscured by his glasses, sparkling in the setting sun on the alien world. Karkat couldn’t turn away, human and troll regarded each other as a breeze shook the magenta flowers around them.

And here the world was still around them.  
.  
.  
.  
“I can’t see a fucking thing.” John announced.

Karkat shook himself from the spell and rolled his eyes. “Come on asshole we’ll find you a spare.” he muttered and helped John to his feet.

 

“MEP.” The ball of fluff sputtered as it surfaced from the water. It quickly sprouted a multitude of legs and scuttled up the side of the cliff.

“MEP.” It said alarmed as it saw the small crew board it’s pod, John walking up the short ramp into the bulbous craft.

It streaked through the magenta flowers letting out distressed and alarmed “MEP”s as is went.

The pod doors closed and the spider-like legs of the pod started to lift off the ground as rockets began to engage and glow hot under the craft.

“MEP!” it screamed as loud as a fluffball could scream and launched itself into the gap where one spider leg was retreating to.

As the spider leg retracted into the ship the ball of fluff was squeezed lightly against the hard metal.

“Mmmmmeeeeeepppppp….” it groaned until with a sudden pop the creature split into two.

“Mep.” the first one peeped. 

“Mep.” the second one agreed.

The two creature’s fur bristled with concentration and once again with a resounding “POP” the two creatures split again.

“Mep!”  
“Mep!”  
“Mep”  
“Mep”

And with that they scuttled deeper into the ship’s mechanisms.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took so long! Tell me what you think! I fucking love comments!


	7. fluff balls of doom pt. 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> alright so this is turning out longer than I wanted so this next chapter is going to be split into two in order to keep them in nice easy-to-read manageable chunks. So get ready for fluff balls of doom pt. 1!!! We get some cute moments, some funny moments, and some nice world-building and character development.
> 
> Oh yeah and there are fluff balls of doom.

Karkat led John to the transport pod, holding John’s wrist and pulling the gangly human where he was supposed to go as a blurry-eyed glasses-less John followed the grey blob that had Karkat’s voice.

“Come on shit stain. Over the log. Thats right it's at your knees.” Karkat urged John as he led him through the field.

Using the hand not trapped in Karkat’s iron grip John patted the turquoise log clumsily before easing his way over. Karkat continued to lead John through the field, John’s wrist oddly warm under his fingers, he felt almost as warm as a brownblood, way warmer than a-what the hell even WAS that blue?

Karkat looked back at John, whose eyes were wide and unobscured by glasses. Karkat couldn’t pick the exact shade of blue right off the bat. Being much more vibrant than the existing colors on the hemospectrum. Karkat remembers seeing film from when Alternia has first discovered Earth, footage of bright electric blue tropical beaches and white sand.

His eyes reminded him of those first few images from space, bright and electric and far more vibrant than should be allowed. The odd round pupils wide and unfocused.

“...Um Karkat?” John startled Karkat out of his revelry. “Is there something wrong? Why did we stop?”

Karkat rolled his eyes and shook his head. “Shut up you impatient turd gobbler we’re almost there.”

John smiled brightly “Alright then! Lead the way!”

He was also way too trusting Karkat thought to himself. He could be leading the poor doof off a cliff for all he knew leaving Karkat as the only captain but…

Karkat looked back at the lanky human, his too bright eyes and his weird clawless hands, the way he just TRUSTED everyone and anyone in ways that would have gotten Karkat killed a million times over.

He couldn’t do it. It would be like kicking a woofbeast puppy or putting a baby duckbeast in a blender. Fucking unconscionable.

By the time they reached the pod the other occupants were already filtering back. A very bedraggled-looking Vriska was pulling purple leaves and odd turquoise twigs from her hair, Nepeta standing smugly off to the side from where she had pushed Vriska into a bush.

The ginger human apparently didn’t get the memo about the higher concentration of oxygen on this planet and had apparently blown off his own eyebrows lighting a cigarette. 

Ruth was halfway between laughing at and helping her brother who had apparently had a run-in with some sort of quilled creature, the quills sticking up from his arm at painful-looking angles. Ashleigh was with them gingerly plucking out quills as Ruth held her brother’s arm.

Tavros had spent the entire day communing with the blue deer and several of the large salamander-eyed deer were crowding around him and nuzzling him in goodbye. Tavros laughed as one deer licked his face, their three tongues flailing wildly. Eridan shuddered as he watched and grimaced.

Churro and Eridan were leaning against the side of the pod moping, Eridan was picking at his nails and Churro was playing with a machete conjured up by his PCD.

Karkat led John up the ramp. “Alright. Just a few more steps and-”

Nepeta looked up at the pair of them. “What happened to the catkin karkitty?”

Karkat shrugged and rubbed his neck, looking at Nepeta as he continued to lead John into the pod.” There was this creature and his glasses came off when-”

Karkat, distracted with answering Nepeta, didn’t account for John’s height as he led him into the pod and John smacked his head hard on a pipe and went down with a loud clanging FWUMP.

Karkat yelped and tried to catch John as he fell like a lead balloon but only managed to be dragged down to the floor of the pod with him.

“OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD PLEASE DON’T BE DEAD!” Karkat held John’s head in his lap.

Ashleigh sighed and went to find an icepack, rubbing the bridge of her nose in frustration.

Karkat accepted the icepack Ashleigh retrieved and put it on the lump on John’s forehead. John groaned and opened his eyes blearily.

Karkat was expecting beratement, or perhaps a death sentence. Karkat had done nothing but lose John’s glasses and run him into a pipe but John only laughed.

Karkat raised an eyebrow even though he knew John couldn’t see it. “What's so fucking funny turdloaf?”

John looked up at him, his big blue eyes sparkling with humor. “It's been a funny day.”

Karkat rolled his eyes. “If you call having a giant hairy testicle knocked off your head, losing your glasses off a cliff to said giant hairy testicle, being essentially blinded and running head-first into a pipe funny then YEAH. It's been really fucking funny.”

John grinned up at him. “Alright so describing it like that just makes it more hilarious. Do you remember the SOUND that thing made when you knocked it off my head?”

Karkat snorted despite himself. “Yeah whatever let's get you back to the ship for a new pair of glasses.”

John smiled and Karkat helped him to his feet, trying not to let the gangly asshole fall over again.

Karkat grimaced a bit, feeling guilty he motioned towards his seat in the pod. “Look um… John you should take my seat for the ride up.”

John looked at Karkat and shook his head “It's alright you don’t have to-”

Karkat rolled his eyes and pushed John down. “Just shut up and sit or you might hit another innocent pipe with your face.”

John chuckled and put on his seat belt. “Aww! You do care!”

Nepeta, Ruth and Ashleigh tittered at that and Karkat shot them a venomous look.

Ruth once again took the controls of the pod and perhaps in an act of pity for her brother who still had a couple of quills stuck in his arm she raised the pod gently, the spider legs tucking back in gracefully.Everyone buckled their seatbelts except for Karkat who braced himself like he had seen John do on the trip down to the planet, stumbling a bit with every shake and shudder of the pod.

With one particularly hard shake of the pod Karkat lost balance, his claws raking noisily across the pipe as he fell. Because it seemed that gravity itself had a sick and twisted sense of humor he fell directly onto John’s lap.

John laughed his lips behind Karkat’s ear and a shiver ran up Karkat’s spine. Karkat sprang up from the human’s lap like a cat on a hot tin roof only for the pod to lurch suddenly and to be plopped back down into the captain’s lap once more. This time he was spread embarrassingly enough bridal style across John’s lap, he hid his quickly reddening face behind his claws.

John’s arms moved to support Karkat in this new position and Karkat had to suppress a squeak.

“You know…” John laughed and smiled the sort of wide straight-toothed smile that could charm the pants off the devil “If you wanted the seat that bad…”

Karkat growled and pushed John’s face as far away from him as he could. “FUCK YOU. FUCKING SHUT UP. WE’RE GOING TO PRETEND THIS ISN’T HAPPENING AND IF I HEAR ANYONE MENTIONING THIS EVER AGAIN I WILL PERSONALLY FIND THEM AND RIP OUT THEIR EYE SPHERES TO PLAY PING PONG DO I MAKE MYSELF PERFECTLY FUCKING CLEAR!??”

John guffawed from where Karkat had been pushing his face away. “Dude that is just fucking wrong.”

Karkat pushed his face away further. “NO TALKING. NO MORE TALKING. WE’RE PRETENDING THIS ISN’T HAPPENING REMEMBER?”

John giggled and held his hands up in surrender.

Karkat pointed at the rest of the pod’s occupants who were either giggling, smirking or trying their best not to giggle.

“AND THAT GOES FOR THE REST OF YOU DO I MAKE MYSELF FUCKING CLEAR!? NO TALKING ABOUT THIS! NO THINKING ABOUT THIS! OR I WILL PERSONALLY FIND YOU AND MAKE YOUR LIVES A LIVING HELL!”

Karkat pointed angrily and Ruth who’s thin little shoulders were quaking with mirth where she sat in the pilot’s seat. “AND STOP FUCKING DOING THAT!”

Ruth held up her hands in submission. “Alright so in my defense the first time was an accident-”

Karkat was frothing with rage on top of a giggling John. “THE FIRST TIME???”

If Ruth tried to respond it was completely obscured by her incessant high-pitched giggles.

 

The smooth white pearly curve of the Skaia starship came into view along with other little opal pods that were also making their way back to the ship. The docking bay opened and a white beam of light raked over the pods.

“Verification confirmed.” The computer inside the pod chirped “Welcome back. Please proceed into the hangar. Thank you.”

Ruth guided the pod into the hangar, FELICIA drones were scurrying around the outside of the ship before finding their chutes and crawling back inside like spiders up a rain pipe.

The pods touched down and the hangar bay doors closed. Flashing red lights and a mild alarm sounded within the hangar.

“Warning.” the computer sounded and large vents opened on the sides of the hangar. “Please wait in your vehicles until atmosphere is established. Warning. Please wait in your vehicles until atmosphere is-”

The alarms stopped and a green light shown over the hangar. “Thank you for your patience! It is now safe to enter into the hangar. Have a lovely day.”

Karkat rolled his eyes. “Can I just say how fucking weird it is that the ship’s AI is THAT fucking happy?”

John shrugged and Karkat belatedly realized he was still sitting in John’s lap.

Karkat lept up so fast he almost lost balance and fell onto the ship floor but with some mild flailing he managed to right himself. He smoothed down his uniform testily and slammed the ‘Open door’ button inside the pod before marching out and down the stairs, back ramrod straight.

The rest of the pod’s crews filtered out. It seemed that few took Stephanie’s safety seminar to heart, one crew member was dripping wet trying to pick some sort of alien sea weed from her hair and around her horns, someone was vomiting into a paper bag where they had sampled something that they swear looked exactly like a raspberry, scraped knees, bruised sides, some poor bastard even lost a couple of teeth when they found out that the blue deer REALLY REALLY didn’t like to be ridden.

Jane pushed past Dirk and Equius and stormed into the hangar, her nurses trailing behind her. “OH FOR THE LOVE OF-”

She marched up to John and motioned towards the crew member who was missing a couple of teeth “This was SUPPOSED to be an EASY planet!!”

John squinted where Jane was pointing. “...Uh Janey..”

Jane whirled to look back at John and she huffed “Of COURSE you lost your glasses! AGAIN! What are you ten?” She took an extra pair of glasses out of her apron pocket and handed them firmly to John.

John smiled and put the glasses on, immediately paling at the sight of the crewmember who lost teeth. “What the hell happened to you??”

The crewmember shrugged “Dish troll guy…” the human lisped “He shaid he would do my choresh for a WEEK if I could ride one of the blue deersh.” He pointed off to a brownblood in his squadron. “HEAR DAT MIKURI?? I WON SHO GET READY FOR MOPPING DUTY!” The troll scowled and hunched her shoulders.

John grimaced. “...uh….”

Karkat rolled his eyes. “For fuck’s sake John you’re the captain! You can’t be everyone’s friend all the time or else they’ll do stupid shit like THIS-” Karkat motioned towards the crew member who was currently picking at a broken tooth.

Karkat pointed at the crew member “What the SHIT did you think you were doing???!!”

The crew member shrugged. “...uh...getting out of chore dutysh?...”

Karkat growled. “So you went to a POTENTIALLY HOSTILE ALIEN SPECIES and ATTEMPTED TO RIDE IT?”

The crew member rubbed his neck. “Uhh….yesh?”

Karkat pointed at him and the brownblood “BOTH of you are getting DOUBLE chore duty WITHOUT planetary privileges until you learn not to be RAGING ASSHOLES WHEN YOU GO PLANETSIDE!”

The brownblood looked Karkat up and down and narrowed their eyes. “Wait YOU can’t-”

Karkat motioned towards the captain’s insignia on his uniform. “YES. I CAN. Now unless you both want to go through Stephanie’s safety training AGAIN I SUGGEST you do WHAT I SAY?”

Both the human and the troll shivered at that threat.

Oh dear god the friendship exercises.

Karkat pointed at the human and then at one of the nurses. “NOW GO GET YOURSELF FIXED UP YOU LOOK LIKE FUCKING SHIT.”

The human scurried away sheepishly and the troll glared one last time at Karkat before following.

John winced. “I would have done that...gentler…”

Karkat huffed and turned towards him. “You’re TOO gentle on them! They’ve been walking all over you doing whatever the hell they wanted because they know you’ll just forgive them if they’re caught.”

John shrugged and looked over at where the human crew member was being patched up by a nurse and struggling not to cry. “Still everyone makes mistakes…”

Karkat shook his head. “There's no telling what we’ll find out there. We can’t afford mistakes. We knew nothing about those deer and if they spit acid or were carnivorous we would be dealing with a corpse and not an embarrassed crew member.”

John nodded and sighed. “I see your point but if we push them too much they’ll just push back.”

Karkat shrugged. “Yeah whatever…”

John smiled brightly. “So are you ready to introduce yourself to the crew?”

Karkat paled.

“-You know” John continued “so everyone knows you’re the new co-captain.”

Karkat hunched in a bit and grimaced. “...I don’t suppose there's any way to keep this quiet?”

John grinned and shook his head. “Nope!”

Karkat’s frowned and huffed. “Yeah I fucking figured.”

 

A group of trolls gathered in the ship cafeteria.

“So then-” The brownblood Karkat had admonished earlier that day waved their fork angrily “The little mutant had the spheres to give me extra chore duty!”

A greenblood shrugged and shoveled a forkful of some sort of purple alternian noodle into their mouths. “Well you did challenge that human to ride an alien deer.”

The brownblood smacked the table. “It's not MY fault the guy was stupid enough to do it!”

The teal at the table nodded. “I have to agree, it's not like you had any mind powers so in the end it's the human’s fault.”

A robust-looking cerulean laughed heartily. “I didn’t think the squishy little ape would do it!”

The brown laughed and covered their mouth with a clawed hand “I know right? Humans are fucking crazy!”

The group looked over to where a large group of human males were gathered around in a large circle, while chanting “CHUG! CHUG! CHUG!” the two humans in the center each had multiple empty liter bottles around them and were both currently drinking a large liter of crush orange soda as fast as they could.

Roxy finished her liter of crush first and she threw the empty bottle at Dirk’s head that was hung in defeat, his half-full bottle beside him at the table.

Roxy stood on her stool and pumped her fists into the air, wiggling her hips in an energetic victory dance. “UH HUH! THATS RIGHT! I WON! WHO’S BAD??!”

Dirk flopped over in his seat his face mushed against the table, he shook his fist. “I HAVE BEEN DEFEATED AT MY OWN GAME.”

Money exchanged hands among the humans and Roxy crawled onto the table sultrily and lifted Dirk’s head. “I hope you’re hungry after all that soda Dirky-poo because you’re gonna have a big helping of LOOSER PIE!!!”

Several humans loudly sounded their approval of Roxy’s smackdown and gave her high-fives.

 

The trolls all gave each other looks all of them silently agreeing that humans were fucking nuts.

A doe-eyed jadeblood in the group grimaced at the spectacle. “How is she even still alive?”

The brownblood snapped their fingers to get the attention of the group. “We’re getting off topic here! Remember the uppity mutant?”

“Oh yeah…” The cerulean speared some sort of neon green patty on their plate and brought it to their mouth. “What is he a staff sergeant? I noticed a lot of lowbloods getting promotions recently…”

The brownblood shook their head. “No. According to his uniform he is now a CAPTAIN.”

The cerulean coughed and spat out several half-chewed chunks of neon green patty.

The jade blood took out a cloth and wiped the eviscerated patty chunks from their side of the table. “Are you sure they aren’t faking it?”

The brownblood shook their head. “The human captain was right there! He said the mutant shouldn’t have been so harsh but he backed up the decision! I think they guy is REALLY a captain.”

The Jade rolled their eyes. “Just because the human captain didn’t say anything doesn’t mean the mutant is really a captain, haven’t you heard the old human proverb ‘If you can’t say anything nice don’t say anything at all?’ humans stay silent on many things that aggravate them for the sake of social niceties.”

The cerulean was still choking on green patty and the party ignored them as the teal spoke. “Really how do they find a kismesis?”

The jade smiled. “It’s quite simple. Humans don’t have kismesises.”

“NOOO!” The table exclaimed in unison and the cerulean dropped to the floor still choking.

The jade nodded. “I know right?”

The brownblood rolled their eyes. “Come on. Back to topic mutant captain.”

The greenblood had a thoughtful look on their face. “Wait so if a mutant-blood is captain does that mean the hemospectrum is reversed?”

The rust and brownblood high-fived. “AWW HELL YEAH!” The rust blood hooted and pumped their fist.”

“Eh.” The teal shrugged. “Exact middle of the spectrum I’m not going anywhere”

The jade looked displeased. “Wait no I’m the middle of the spectrum. I’M not going anywhere”

“I was counting the mutant blood in the spectrum.”

“YOU DON’T COUNT THE MUTANT. THEY’RE OFF-SPECTRUM THAT’S THE ENTIRE POINT.”

“DO TOO.”

“DO NOT.”

The cerulean hacked loudly under the table and popped back up. “What did I miss?”

The green blood shrugged. “The hemo spectrum is apparently reversed now because a mutant is captain.”

The cerulean gaped. “OH HELL NO I DON’T WANT TO BE A GREEN!”

The greenblood scowled at them “AND WHY NOT?”

The jade blood groaned. “FOR THE LAST TIME YOU DON’T COUNT MUTANT BLOOD!”

 

Back in the pod hangar two of Dirk and Equius’s underlings were going between the pods. The human’s blonde hair and the troll’s hooked horns were stark in the low light of the abandoned hangar room, their flashlights streaking across the dark space.

“What I don’t get.” The human complained. “Is why the pods have to be checked EVERY time you know? Like you would think that anything important would already be reported.”

The troll rolled their eyes. “Well people don’t like to be blamed for things so if they smashed the pos into an alien tree they probably won’t mention it and hope no one notices.” The shined their flashlight under a pod as they spoke.

The human shrugged, their flashlight bobbing. “Eh. I just don’t like that it’s so dark in here. What is this a horror movie?”

The troll grinned at them from where they were hunched by the pod. “Dude no offense but you would so die first if this was a horror movie.”

The human’s face pinched in indignation. “I would so not-”

Something round skittered just beyond their field of vision. The troll’s ears popped up and they tried to track the sound with their flashlight. “Did you see tha-”

Just then a multitude of scrabbly little arms grabbed the ankles of the troll, he fell to the ground and yelped as he was quickly pulled under the pod.

“DUDE!” the human reached for their communications device. “Private Diego Ramirez to engineering we have a situation! Repeat we have a situation!”

The troll yelled again from under the pod.

“DUDE!” the human instinctively hunched over the edge of the pod where the troll had disappeared to “DUDE ARE YOU OK?”

With that ten little scrabbly arms grabbed hold of his uniform and pulled Diego screaming under the pod. His flashlight rolled on the hangar bay floor rolling and illuminating small slices of scenery as it went. The side of the pod gleamed in the light, a pink hand scrabbling to get away before being pulled under, a thousand fuzzy grey puffs streaming from out beneath the pod before the flashlight flickered and died.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *plays harmonica in blues style*  
> I lost my seventh bookmark on this fanfic  
> *more blues harmonica*  
> Why did you leave me???  
> *blues harmonica*  
> Were you disappointed this wasn't porn?  
> *blues harmonica*  
> Or maybe you didn't like my weird ass sense of humor?  
> *blues harmonica*  
> OOOOO MY BOOKMARK LEFT ME!!!!  
> *sad blues harmonica ending*
> 
> anywho tell me what you think! Always happy to have a new comment! I love every single one of you and your comments! I'll try to keep the installments running!


	8. fluff balls of doom grande finale

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The epic battle to save the starship Skaia!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Howdy neighbors! Sorry it took me so fucking long to update! I hope you like the new chapter and consider leaving a comment! Comments are fucking delicious and I love every sIngle one of them!

Dirk ran into the hangar bay, turning on the lights. “Dude come on they sounded like they were in trouble!”

Equius trotted behind Dirk looking around the now illuminated hangar warily. “This better not be some rubbish human tomfoolery.”

Dirk jumped over the railing in a slim flit of lean muscle and blonde hair, flipping before landing on the hangar bay floor, Equius trotted down the stairs behind him. Dirk saw the abandoned flashlight and ran to it. He looked up and engaged his PCD a silvery glass-like translucent sword appearing in his hands. “I don’t think they’re joking around.”

Equius rounded the other side of the pod. “DIRK!”

Dirk trotted over to where Equius was standing. A troll and a human laid side-by side their arms folded over their chests, their eyes open and a thin coating of something orange and translucent covering them.

Dirk leaned over them and put a finger on each of their necks and paused for a moment. “They’re alive, their pulses are weak but there. We have to get them to the infirmary as soon as we can” he murmured as he wiped the orange goo off on the pants of his uniform.

Something declared “MEP” and scurried past their feet.

“THERE!” Equius pointed and they pursued the creature through the hangar to the far side.

The creature scurried up the wall, a dark blot in the dark hangar illuminated by Dirk’s flashlight, Dirk and Equius’s eyes followed it as it went.

Thousands of fluffballs were gathered around where the vents had opened in the hangar to allow for re-pressurization. Screws were dropping around the mass of fluff balls as they scrabbled around the closed vents.

“Those hooligans are trying to get into the ventilation system!” Equius yelled and Dirk rushed forward with his sword.

Dirk slashed through the mound of fluff slicing ten of the fluffballs neatly in half, their severed bodies fell to the floor in a gush of orange goo, their bodies laid on the floor like halved fuzzy coconuts.

Dirk aimed to swing again.

“No look!” Equius shouted. The severed halves of the alien creatures shivered where they laid in orange goo on the floor before quickly closing up and filling out until 20 identical fluff ball aliens formed from the severed pieces. The aliens that formed from the severed pieces turned and advanced on the Troll and the human, Dirk raised his sword in defense and Equius raised his fists.

As the aliens pounced on the pair, Dirk deftly cut each in half only for them to reform again. Equius punched the fluffy balls as they leapt but they only bounced off the metal plating of the hangar room like adorable dodge balls, leaving dents but scurrying back to attack the pair again unharmed.

“STOP SLICING!” Equius growled and smacked down another fluffball “YOU’RE ONLY MAKING IT WORSE!”

“LIKE YOU’RE DOING ANY BETTER!” Dirk retorted as he roundhouse kicked a trio of fluffballs into a nearby pod.

“AT LEAST I DON’T MAKE MORE!” Equius shouted back and punched a couple more fluff balls who bounced wildly off the walls.

The last screw dropped where the fluff balls were gathered around the vent. The thick steel ventilation panel slid from the wall and clanged heavily onto the hangar doors.

“NO!” Dirk yelled and tried to fight through the mound of fluff.

“Isn’t there a security function to keep things out of the vents?” Equius shouted and ripped a ball of fluff in half with his bare hands.

“Yeah there's a laser grid but-” 

A grey fluffball jumped through the laser grid, immediately being diced from the criss-crossing red lasers only for a fluff ball to reform from each diced piece.

“Oh.” Equius answered.

The fluffballs streamed through the laser grid, being diced and reforming multiplied on the other side.

“DAVE!” Dirk screamed through his com link. “Assemble the security force we have an unknown hostile alien force in the vents repeat we have an unknown hostile alien force in the vents!”

 

Red lights flashed through the security office and Dave stood above a crack team of one hundred red-uniformed security force officers. “MOVE! MOVE! TEAM EAGLE 1 WEST SIDE! EAGLE 2 TAKE THE EAST! EAGLE 3 NORTH! EAGLE 4 SOUTH!”

The security force engaged their PCDs large-grade blasters appearing translucent and shiny in their hands.

Dave engaged a holographic map of the ship red dots streaming up the ventilation shafts from the pod hangar. “WE HAVE ENEMY MOVEMENT HERE! I’M SENDING THIS MAP WITH A LIVE READING TO YOUR PCDS NOW MOVE!”

Human and troll security officers alike engaged their weapons and streamed out of the room, their PCDs at the ready and their eyes steely under riot gear like helmets.

A transmission came through on Dave’s com. “Dave!” John looked up from his data pad worriedly where he stood behind stage. “I just saw a lot of PCD activation from your people is everything ok?”

“Yeah.” Dave clicked his PCD into place “Everything is peachy-fucking-keen John I’ll take care of it.”

John’s lips were pressed into a hard line. “...if you’re sure.”

And with that Dave ended the transmission.

 

A thousand trolls filled the space they had occupied the very first day they were on the ship and endured Stephanie’s orientation seminar. Every troll not on emergency duty was here, whispering among themselves in worried tones as to why they all had been summoned here. 

A small but grizzled greenblood speculated that the humans had gotten tired of them and were about to release poison gas into the area.

Other trolls that had gone off-planet worried that their piss-poor performance on said planet meant that they would all have to re-take the orientation, they shivered, dear god the friendship exercises.

Everyone was various shades of annoyed, to agitated, to worried, except for one particularly cheery rustblood sitting in the front row, he kicked his feet as the trolls around him bickered, golly he hopes that this is the “Taco Tuesday” he’s been hearing so much about from the human crew members.

Karkat looked out at the sea of trolls and thumbed the index cards he had scribbled notes onto earlier nervously.

John, the ever present, overly-cheerful and entirely unwanted beam of sunshine stood off to the side.

“Don’t worry.” John smiled reassuringly at Karkat. “It will be great!”

Karkat chewed his bottom lip and flipped through his note cards. “Actually...it won’t…”

John opened his mouth to protest but Karkat stopped him. Karkat’s dark brows furrowed and he looked out towards the audience. “There's nothing I can SAY that will make them respect me…”

Karkat shrugged and sighed. “I’m just a mutant to them, lowest of the low, fucking toilet water on the caste level here.”

John shook his head dismayed “So what? You’re just going to give up?”

Karkat groaned and looked at John over his shoulder exasperated. “Trolls are different than humans dumbass. The best we can hope for is a minimal amount of violence before these fuckers realize that I don’t want any of them to die and hey doing what I say MIGHT be a good idea.”

Karkat looked over at the audience. “I don’t know what I’ll have to do to prove myself...but it’s gonna have to be big…”

 

Dave shot his blaster at a bubbling mound of fluffballs as they threatened to spew up from the ventilation system. While Terezi was leading several teams in blocking the vents in several crucial aspects of the ship, Dave and a heavily armed portion of security personnel were in the ventilation hub right before the oxygen factory, keeping the fluffballs at bay as best as they could.

“Rezi!” Dave yelled into his com as fluffballs jumped out of the vent, he and his team blasting them as soon as they came up like a bizzare game of whack-a-mole. “Tell me you’re almost done!”

Terezi winced at Dave’s loud communication as she scrambled through the vents. “JEGUS CHRIST STOP YELLING! I’M CLOSING OFF THE OXYGEN FACTORY VENTS!” she wiggled the ear piece off partially to recover.

Distracted with yelling through the communicator as she clambered through the vents, Terezi failed to notice a downward fork in the ventilation system and with a yelp she fell downwards, sliding across the cool metal before landing on hard on something grey and boney.

“Shit. man. Motherfucking what?” Gamzee groaned from the force of Terezi’s fall.

“Gamzee?” Terezi looked up “WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE WE’RE IN THE MIDDLE OF AN EMERGENCY!”

Gamzee shrugged and motioned out of a nearby grate, the foliage of the oxygen factory partially obscuring a beautiful view of the center of the gardens with it’s cheery little pond and adjacent trees. 

“I came up here for the pretty motherfucking view sis.”

Terezi put her face against the grate and sniffed. “I SMELL A WHOLE LOT OF GREEN SHIT THIS MUST BE THE PLACE!”

She stood over Gamzee and patted the walls looking for a ventilation close lever. “Come on!” She urged Gamzee “Help me with this stupid lever!”

 

Dave screamed into his com link again as the tidal wave of fluffballs overtook him and the rest of his team, humans and trolls screaming as they were buried in fluffballs. “TEREZI CLOSE THE GRATE!!!!”

The fluffballs scrabbled past Dave and the rest in the ventilation hub, tearing down barricades and into the next portion of vent. 

 

Gamzee wiggled a bit and sat up to help her, his head sticking out of the low portion of ventilation system they were in, he stuck his head up and his dopey expression vanished as he saw the wave of fluffs scrabbling down the vent.

“.....Rezi?....Chica??” He kept his eyes on the fluffs and they continued to stream forth.

Terezi struggled with the lever the metal barricade only edging slowly. “Just a little bit more…”

“SIS????” Gamzee looked mortified at the hissing and scrabbling little aliens coming closer down the vent, his eyes wide and his ears down.

“Almost-” Terezi whispered.

Looking to the fluffballs and back to Terezi Gamzee’s face was pale. He latched onto the lever and helped pull as well the metal sliding just a bit quicker to cover the grate.

“That's it!” Terezi cackled, teal sweat on her brow. “Just keep going and-”

The alien fluffs were close enough now to rake their little rat claw hands across the metal. Gamzee hooked an arm around Terezi’s waist and picked her up.

“GAMZEE WHAT THE HELL?” Terezi shrieked. “We almost had it!”

“No time! Sis!” Gamzee yelped and pushed his shoulder against the grate of the oxygen factory hard, the metal falling down into the pond with a dull splash. Fluff balls were squeezing themselves through the small slit in the vent cover like popcorn popping into the space Gamzee and Terezi inhabited. Gamzee kicked a couple away, he settled a struggling Terezi against his chest and leaned out.

“Now or never sis!”

“FUCK GAMZEE NO!”

Gamzee pushed off through the grate, hugging Terezi to his chest as he fell backwards into the oxygen factory.

Both of them fell into the pond, the water splashing violently before going still.

 

John crossed the stage and smiled at the group of trolls. “Hello! My name is John Egbert and I am your captain.” The murmuring in the crowd died down. “Due to the needs of a joint troll and human expedition it has been decided that having ONLY human leadership will not only be unfair but also inefficient.”

The violet-blooded trolls straightened in their seats, eyeing each other smugly.

John smiled and motioned offstage “And that is why I have chosen Karkat Vantas to be my co-captain. His commitment to his crews is unmatched, I am confident that he will prove to be an excellent captain.”

Karkat came onto the stage and the audience was hushed.

“SEE!!” A brownblood popped up from the audience “I FUCKING TOLD YOU!”

A greenblood fell out of their seat and into the aisle clutching their head “THE HEMOSPECTRUM IS REVERSED.” he shrieked.

An indigo-blood stood from her seat and growled. “We have had to face a lot of indignities in the new regime but THIS??” She motioned towards Karkat angrily. “I’M NOT GOING TO FOLLOW A FUCKING MUTANT!”

“Why would the princess do this to us?” A violet blood moaned. “I should be captain before the gutter-blood!”

 

Blood trickled down Dave’s jaw as he reached for his communicator, his shades cracked. “Intervention has failed, repeat, intervention failed, initiating lockdown procedures.”

John touched his communicator gingerly. “What Dave? DAVE??”

 

The lights went off in the area, powering down with an audible “WAOUM” setting stark shadows across everyone’s faces. Red lights flashed “Warning.” The computer informed cheerily “Lockdown due to alien entity engaged. Please stay calm. Security personnel will arrive shortly to help you. Warning. Lockdown due to alien ent-”

“What is-” John started before a large steel door slammed down separating the backstage from the auditorium, slamming to his feet.

Karkat ran to the metal door and banged his fist across it. “John!”

“Karkat!” John answered back and banged his fist in response. “ARE YOU OK?”

Karkat pressed an ear to the door to hear John’s muffled voice. “I’m Fine!” Karkat answered “Whats going on?”

John turned on the flashlight function of his PCD and looked around. “I don’t know Dave and Commander Kapule are the only other ones with the lockdown authorization.”

“Can you stop it?” Karkat yelled through the door.

John scrolled through his data pad. “Not until we stop whatever the lockdown about.”

Karkat shrugged. “ALRIGHT.”

“I’m going to find out what's going on.” John announced through the door. “Keep everyone in there safe.”

“WHAT NO YOU CAN’T JUST-” Karkat protested but John was already gone.

 

The lights went off in the science sector and the scientists looked up from their work. “Warning.” The computer sounded “Lockdown due to alien entity. Please remain calm.”

The scientists murmured and filtered out into the hall.

Aradia, Jake, Jade and Kanaya joined the flood of scientists. Rose also came out of her office, apparently having been in the middle of knitting a scarf, the pink yarn still dangling off the needles.

“Does anyone know what’s bloody going on chaps?” Jake asked his fellow scientists.

Kanaya looked worriedly at the flashing lights. “I really don’t know. Though I cannot imagine it is anything good.”

Aradia’s ears flicked up and the scientists stopped murmuring as an ominous scritching sounded through the grates.

“I think you’re right on the not-good thing Kanaya.” She said matter-of-factly as the ventilation system above them started to strain.

 

The lights went off right in the middle of coloring time. Emily stiffened as the red lights began to flash. Fifteen children of various ages murmured and some of the younger ones began to cry.

Emily swallowed hard and tried to remember her training. 

“Alright kids.” She announced shakily. “Come on we’re going to a safe-room”

Emily engaged her PCD and the children rose and followed her down the dark hallways lit only with the red flashing lights of the warning system.

Casey hugged her rabbit close and tottered after Emily and the other kids.

Where is her daddy?

Emily led the children to a large reinforced door, she punched in a code and the interlocking doors slid apart to reveal a large bland-looking room. Cots lined the walls and shelves were packed with emergency food and water.

“Come on kids.” She ushered the crying and worried kids into the bunker. “We have to wait here until someone comes and gets us ok?”

The kids huddled together on the floor. Casey hugged her bunny to her chest and buried her little nose in it’s fur, tears striping down her cheeks.

A little girl with red hair and a freckled face sat next to Casey.

“Are you scared?” she whispered, her little brown eyes wide.

Casey nodded. “...Yeah..” she admitted.

“Me too.” Whispered the other little girl as Emily guarded the door with her gun.

 

Gamzee gasped as he surfaced above the water. Fluffballs rained down from the vent above, splashing into the water.

“Yo Rezi??” Gamzee looked around, when he didn’t see Terezi he took a big breath of air and went back under the water.

Terezi was slowly sinking, her hair streaming above her as fluffballs catapulted into the water around them their little scrabbly rat arms flailing. Gamzee swam down to her and hooked an arm around her waist before kicking back up to the surface. He gasped as he came out of the water, awkwardly paddling to the edge of the pond.

“Chica?” Gamzee plopped Terezi down onto the bank of the pond “You motherfucking alright sis?”

Terezi didn’t respond. The vent above them strained and then burst like a someone stepping on a gogurt tube, fluffballs rained down around them, bouncing and chittering and, mepping as they fell into the pond. Gamzee took Terezi by the wrists and dragged her farther out of the water.

He peered over the pond’s edge to look down into the pond.

Hundreds of fluffs were at the bottom of the bubble of the oxygen factory, scrabbling against the smooth surface.

There was a crack.

 

Churro and Ruth were walking down the hallway towards the auditorium.

“I don’t get it.” Ruth flailed her hand. “Just go to the fucking auditorium.”

Churro shrugged. “I already know the mutants in charge now so what’s THE FUCKING POINT.”

Ruth rolled her eyes and the pair of them stepped into a narrow corridor between the mission support area and facilities. “You’re such a fucking baby.”

Churro’s ears flattened and he scowled at her. “Says the 6-sweep old.”

Ruth was about to hit him when the lights went off and the steel doors on either sides of the corridor slid down with an ominous clanking thunk.

Churro ran to one of the doors and banged his fists against it. “WE’RE in here!!”

Ruth engaged the flashlight function on her PCD and started to look around.

“Warning.” The computer informed them “Lockdown due to alien entity engaged. Please remain calm.”

Churro pulled at his shaggy hair and screamed. “OH MY FUCKING GOD!”

Ruth looked up. “...churro…” she whispered, her eyes wide with dread.

Churro banged his shoulder against the metal of the door. “YOU CAN’T JUST FUCKIN’ LEAVE US IN HERE YOU MOTHERFUCKING SHITTING-”

“CHURRO!” Ruth screamed.

“FUCKING WHAT???”

Ruth flicked her flashlight up where a mound of fluffballs were scrabbling against the glass of the oxygen factory. A tiny crack in the glass sounded with a crystalline “tink” before the crack quickly started to spread, water started spurting into the corridor they were strapped in.

Churro screamed.

 

The ventilation shaft burst in the science sector, spewing fluffballs into the general area. Aradia’s eyes and hands started to glow. Jake gasped as she floated into the air.

“Everyone get behind me!” She screamed. The planes of glass making up the offices as well as desks started to glow along with Aradia’s energy, shivering and shaking before floating up off the ground. Beakers and papers tumbled off desks as they streamed out of their respective offices. Aradia flicked up her hands and the desks and planes of glass were pinned against the vent, squishing back the flow of fluffs. Aradia growled with the strain.

The fluffballs already in the area came towards the group.

“Get your weapons!” Aradia shrieked.

“We’re scientists we don’t have weapons!” One of the scientists yelled back.

The tide of fluffy aliens pushed back against Aradia’s barrier, bending it in an ominous arc.

“FIND SOME!” She screamed and hissed, extending her arms out forcefully and pushing the swarm back.

“Jake!” Jade grabbed Jake’s arm. “Are those old west guns you have in your lab still functional?”

Jake grinned and snapped his fingers. “Good golly miss molly you’re darn right they’re functional!” And with that he and Jade went to his archaeology lab to retrieve them.

Kanaya motioned to the rest of the scientists. “I have gardening tools in my own laboratory, feel free to use those and whatever experiments you may have been working on!”

Kanaya rushed to her own lab to get her chainsaw. Jade and Jake returned from Jake’s archaeology lab with authentic antique old-west style guns, elegantly embossed with fine designs as well as wearing cowboy hats because if you were going to do something you might as well do it in style.

A fluffball lunged for Kanaya. Kanaya took a running jump, pushing off of the wall, her chainsaw blaring as she came down on the ball of fluff. She neatly sliced the alien in two, her fine dress splattered with it’s orange goo.

Jake and Jade came out shooting, Jade armed with a long rifle and Jake with two pistols, fluffballs were lunging at the pair.

Kanaya growled at a trio of fluffballs, revving her chainsaw, but before she could lunge a dark purple needle flew through the air, skewering the fluffballs like a grisly shish-kabob.

Rose tugged on the pink yarn connected to the knitting needle, the needle coming free from the aliens with a wet slick sound. Rose pulled the needle back to her and pointed it towards the rest of the fluffs.

“Considering I have never used these as such...” Rose began as she arched an eyebrow at her needle and smirked. “That was remarkable effective.”

Rose smirked, her black-painted lips dangerous like the edge of a dagger, her eyes smoldered under smokey eye-shadow and she had a splatter of alien blood across her front.

She turned to Kanaya and smiled.

Kanaya’s mouth went dry.

 

Screaming erupted in the auditorium where Karkat had been introducing himself.

“OH MY FUCKING GOD WE’RE GOING TO DIE!”

The rest devolved into girly high-pitched shrieking and the flinging about of folding chairs. Some trolls banged on the doors but they wouldn’t budge.

Karkat growled and took the microphone off the stage. “EVERYONE SHUT THE FUCK UP!!” he screamed, his rage bellowing out impressively through the audience. “YOU’RE NOT GOING TO FUCKING DIE.”

“I CAN LEAD YOU OUT OF HERE BUT YOU’RE GOING TO HAVE TO TRUST ME.”

“TRUST YOU??” A violet seethed “YOU’RE A FUCKING MUTANT”

Karkat growled back at them “WELL THIS MUTANT HAPPENS TO HAPPENS TO HAVE THE EXECUTIVE CODES! SO UNLESS YOU WANT TO DIE FROM WHATEVER THE FUCK INVADED THE SHIP YOU’RE GOING TO HAVE TO!”

The trolls continued to bicker and seethe and Karkat rubbed his eyes irritated, he remember what John said about discipline.

“LOOK.” Karkat started again “I know what kind of captains you probably had in the Alternian fleet.”

Some of the trolls turned to look back at the stage, their ears swiveling with interest.

Karkat sighed into the mic “But believe it or not, I don’t actually want any of you to die.”

“SO TAKE YOUR FUCKING PICK!” Karkat screamed into the mic “DIE HERE FROM ALIENS OR GO WITH THE PERSON WHO IS TRYING TO MAKE IT SO THAT YOU DON’T DIE.”

The trolls looked at each other. 

“I’m following the dude.” Announced a burly brown-blood.

A cascade of trolls agreed and one by one they came forward.

“Alright.” Karkat clapped his hands together. “We’re getting the FUCK out of here.”

 

Water poured into the corridor Churro and Ruth were trapped in.

Churro was in the corner, pulling at his tangled hair, his eyes wide. The water was now up to Churro’s calves and Ruth’s knees.

Ruth pulled Churro’s hands away from his face and forced him to look at her. “CHURRO!”

Churro looked at Ruth.

Ruth slapped a hand across Churro’s cheek. “I need you to lift me up so I can get to the maintenance panel by the door ok?”

Churro’s ears flipped down. “...uh...I already have a morail.”

Ruth groaned and grabbed a chunk of his hair to pull violently. “WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH ANYTHING! LIFT ME TO THE FUCKING PANEL!”

“JESUS MOTHERFUCKING FINE!”

Churro lifted the skinny little human onto his shoulder and waddled them both over to the maintenance panel over the door. Ruth took out her pocket knife and got to work on the screws securing the panel.

Churro growled and winced as Ruth leaned against his long wildebeest-like horns to get a better angle, screws dropped around the pair. The steel panel dropped down into the water, an orange fish swam cheerily around Churro’s ankles.

“So..uh...What’s the plan?” Churro asked as Ruth started to hoist herself into the space exposed without the panel.

Churro helped Ruth along into the maintenance space and she accidentally kicked him in the face as she clambered in. 

“The plan is.” Ruth answered as her skinny little ass disappeared into the space. “That I’ll climb through and open the door up from the other side.”

“WAIT!” Churro grabbed Ruth’s ankle “How do I know you’ll come back?” he swallowed and looked around nervously.

Ruth wiggled in the small space to look back at Churro. “I’ll come back.” She told him earnestly.

Churro huffed and let go of her ankle. “You better not be lying.”

Ruth wiggled through the space and Churro was left alone in the room, the aliens scrabbling against the glass and the orange fish swimming around his ankle. He leaned against the doorway, his eyes wide, his shoulders hunched and his ears down.

What if the human doesn’t come back?

What if she just leaves him here to die and-

The door slid open behind him and he dropped backwards onto the floor, water rushed around him and the orange fish flopped against his face before flopping off.

“Come on!” Ruth stood above him. “We have to go!”

And with that Ruth and Churro ran through the hallway and the crack in the glass got bigger.

 

Karkat stood before the steel door, the trolls behind him. “You and you.” Karkat pointed at a particularly buff cobalt with dreadlocks and a particularly buff indigo with a mohawk. “Break it down.”

The cobalt smiled and flexed his arms the sleeves of his uniform ripping off.

The indigo flexed his arms and the entire top part of his uniform ripped apart.

The cobalt pouted.

“Over here. NOW.” Karkat demanded and they both came forth. Karkat pointed at the point where the door met the wall. “Push here. There's only two inches of steel in the wall, the metal is thinner here we have a chance of bending it far enough to get through.”

The two of them pushed, their muscles straining and their uniforms ripping more with the force before the metal creaked and bent, the door popped from the deep gash in the wall with a loud groan.

The vent above the auditorium swelled and burst, thousands of fluffballs raining down from the ceiling. The Some trolls raised their fists or engaged their PCDs.

“THROUGH THE GAP!” Karkat urged them “HURRY”. The trolls nearest to the door began to stream through the gap.

“ANYONE WITH PSIIONICS OR A PCD LET THE OTHERS GO THROUGH FIRST, KEEP THE ALIENS AT BAY LONG ENOUGH FOR THEM TO GET THROUGH!”

The cheery, tiny, little rustblood who had hoped that this meeting as a taco-tuesday announcement broke through the crowd to stand near the back he raised his fists and they were engulfed with flame. A pudgy serene-looking olive-blood rose into the air surrounded in green light and several folding chairs raised up with her. The buff Indigo and Cobalt raised their fists and grunted, two psiionics crackled with electric energy.

“KARKITTY!” Nepeta jumped up from the crowd “We want to help too!” Eridan engaged his PCD and aimed at the aliens, Tavros engaged his PCD and a lance appeared in his hands, Nepeta giggled and jumped engaging her PCD, her claws forming from the hard-light.

Karkat smiled and engaged his own PCD, his sickles forming in his hands.

 

John ran down the deserted hallways. “Dave!” he yelled into his com “Dave answer me” no response came through and John growled and ran faster. John tried the com again “Rose! Jade! Jake! are you all ok?”

“Peachy!” Jake answered and a gunshot rang through the communicator “Would like a feasible answer to this whole alien balls business though!”

“Language my dear.” Rose answered as she jumped and slashed another alien, leaping in a graceful arc.

“Keep them at bay!” John answered.

“Roxy!” John touched his mic again. “How are you doing? Is the computer core ok?”

Roxy yelped where she was crouched behind a computer tower, she leaned around the tower to shoot at a fluffball, Sollux and the other two psiionic technicians sparked and sent volleys of electricity at the aliens whose fuzz made them static cling to all surfaces.

“We’re keeping them at bay!” Roxy said. “Would really like some help though!”

“Keep it up Roxy! I’m hoping we can close off the vents and force them down the shafts to the forge down in facilities and engineering!”

“Got it!” Roxy answered and wiggled down on the floor, pulling a data pad under a desk. “You’ll need to get to the ventilation hub! Why don’t you have Dave use his access code? His PCD reading says he’s there already.”

John frowned. “Dave stopped responding.” 

Roxy covered her mouth with her hand. “That doesn’t mean he’s-” She shook her head and continued typing, a tear rolling down her cheek. “I’ll light the forge from here. Get to the ventilation hub and see what you can do.”

John nodded and continued down the hall. “Do it”

John came to the bunker and banged on the door. Emily jumped and aimed her gun at the door. “Who’s there?”

“Its me!” John yelled.

“Captain?” Emily yelped.

“Is Casey ok?” John yelled back.

“DADDY!” Casey banged her little chubby hands against the doorway and sobbed.

John almost sobbed hearing her little voice. "Hey pumkin..." He did his best to sound comforting through the door. "Daddy will take care of this and come and get you ok?"

The vents before the bunker swelled, the metal bulging and groaning.

“DADDY?” Casey cried behind the door

John stood before the bunker and engaged his PCD, planes of hard-light forming in between his hands, forming into a large hammer crackling with energy. The vent burst and hundreds upon thousands of thousands of alien fluffs streamed out and into the hall.

“Get the fuck.”John raised his hammer as the fluffs advanced. “Away from my DAUGHTER.”

“John!” Karkat ran down towards him an army of trolls behind him.

“John!” Roxy called over the intercom as she shot her gun out from where she hid under the desk. “We need to divert the vents now! I don’t know how long we can hold out here!”

“JOHN!” Jade yelled over the com and shot at another ball “I don’t know how long Aradia can last!” Aradia groaned as she pushed against the swarm, the debris she had pushed against the vent straining and bending.

Karkat continued to run towards John, Aradia’s barrier broke in the science section, the glass of the oxygen factory continued to crack, water spurting faster, Casey screamed behind the bunker door, the fluffballs advanced and-

“Mep.” The fluffball closest to John announced.

John’s brows furrowed. “...What?”

“Mep.” it stated again again and started coughing. The alien fluff then spat up a pair of slightly-scratched glasses.

“Mep.” it said again and retracted it’s scrabbly arms, it seemed oddly pleased with itself.

.

.

Everyone was still for a moment, unsure of how to process this.

.

.

Karkat scowled and ran a hand down his face. “You’ve got to be fucking kidding.”

The alien that had spit out the glasses turned to the next alien closest to it. “Mep.”

“Mep.” the other one agreed and then promptly exploded.

Like a domino chain alien after little fluffy alien exploded into a messy orange splatter, swelling and popping like fuzzy coconuts filled with paint. This traveled along the vents like a daisy chain of exploded orange innards. The fluffballs in the science sector exploded and the barricade Aradia had been holding above her suddenly was dripping with orange entrails.

“What?” Jade pointed her gun down.

Rose poked at a puddle of orange goo with a needle “It seems they have perished? But how?”

 

Roxy wiped off her data pad where orange innards had exploded onto the screen. “Fucking. Gross.”

 

Dirk and Equius panted where they had been fighting off the fluffs in the hangar bay, both of them now completely covered in orange goo.

Dirk raised an orange goo-covered hand in front of his face. “...Is it weird that I kinda want to lick it?” he asked.

Equius gently took the arm raised in front of Dirk’s faces and forced it to lower away from Dirk’s face.

 

Later crews of maintenance workers were patching up the cracked glass of the oxygen factory, rescuing fish from where they were found swimming in flooded sectors and returning them home. The very last fluff ball sat on top of John’s head.

“The thing that I don’t get is-” John tried to look at the creature on his head but only managed to make himself cross-eyes “Is why it's ok with us now. We did try to kill it when it invaded.”

Rose shrugged and continued to knit her scarf. “Well to a creature that can’t die, trying to kill it probably doesn’t mean much.” Rose started a new row in her knitting “We were only mildly annoying and in the way of it’s goal.”

 

John went through the medbay with Jane. Luckily there were no deaths, but Dave and his entire team, not to mention the two crewmen in the hangar before had all been stunned by the creature. Terezi had suffered a concussion from hitting her head against a tree root when she fell into the pond of the oxygen factory.

Dave laid unconscious in the hospital bed. “He’s fine.” Jade assured John “I’m sure his ego will be bruised when he wakes up but he should wake up soon enough.”

 

Karkat and John sat back in their office chairs, oddly relieved and yet really weirded out by the entire experience. What they felt could be described as going to a beach resort, only having terrorists attack the resort and throw a grenade at you, but it turns out the grenade was actually a pineapple, and the entire terrorist attack was actually an interpretive dance number put on by professional entertainers at the resort.

The alien fluff was still on John’s head.

“What the fuck…” Karkat whispered as quietly as a Karkat could whisper, which is to say was the equivalent to someone else’s indoor voice. “Am I going to write on the fucking report on this?”

John shrugged and passed a granola bar to the alien on top of his head, who munched on said granola loudly. “I have no fucking idea. If I told this to me I would think I was dicking with me.”

“Phrasing.” Karkat chasized and half-smiled.

“Wait a minute.” John straightened out in his chair. “I was the first to scan it.”

“No.” Karkat groaned and covered his eyes. “Don’t.”

“I get to name it!” John smacked a fist into an open palm with determination.

“Fuck.” Bemoaned Karkat.

“I will name you….” John picked the alien gently off his head. “THE MEP.”

“Mep!” The alien agreed.

“I fucking hate you.” Karkat groaned.

 

John and Karkat dropped the alien back off on it’s home planet. “Bye!” John yelled outside the pod. “It was really fun except for that part where it wasn’t!”

The mep scurried off into the field of violet flowers and the pod began to ascend.

Karkat and John looked down at the planet below.

“We were lucky.” Karkat said and both of them knew how close to oblivion they and everyone on board could have been.

“Yeah.” John agreed. “We were lucky.” He turned to face Karkat. “But now we’ve identified weak parts of the system, we can get stronger than this.

“I hope you’re right.” Karkat muttered as they both watched the planet disappear from view.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The author looks at her Blues Harmonica. "this harmonica has dangerous powers." she tells the other person in the room, a shrink in their shrink office. "I played a blues song in the notes of my last chapter about my bookmarks leaving..."
> 
> "And what happened next?" asks the psychiatrist.
> 
> A clap of lighting sounds, making spooky shadows across the author's face. "And the next day I had DOUBLE the bookmarks.
> 
> "With that kind of power." The shrink mused. "You could get unlimited kudos, you could get a hundred nice comments on your work, you could even force people to like the bullshit OCs you stick in everywhere you OC loving weirdo."
> 
> "No." The author holds the blues harmonica away from her "Its too much power for a mere mortal!"
> 
> She throws the blues harmonica into the fireplace.
> 
> "BWEeeeeeeehhhhhh....." Sings the blues harmonica sadly before it melts. A single tear runs down the author's cheek.
> 
> So yeah don't disgrace the memory of the blues harmonica. Be sure to comment if you enjoyed! Or if you want to yell at me thats cool too. My tumblr is the same as my ao3 account if you want to stalk me or chat, or stalk and chat at the same time!


	9. vignettes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> small funny stories going on while the Starship Skaia is being repaired. Some connections to "Minnie and Crocodile dad" as well as "Ten little fingers and ten little toes" as well as "In which all of Alternia goes through that one weeaboo phase all humans have in eighth grade"

Dirk stood outside of the medbay, a stack of cards, a “Get well” balloon and a bouquet of flowers that was shaped suspiciously like a penis in his arms. He walked through the medbay entrance, the frosted doors emblazoned with a little red cross whooshing off to the side to let him in.

Jane stood in her white medical uniform, a tablet in her hands showing various bio functions of the groggy-looking troll on the medbay exam table in front of her. The greenblood she was looking over looked vaguely baffled at his surroundings, blinking at the exam lights and shying away at first when Jane took his chin to get a better look at a scrape across his cheek.

“I see no major injuries.” Jane tapped at something on her medical tablet. “I am taking you off immediate duty for the week so you can get a chance to heal and to recover from the alien toxin that stunned you. Make sure to drink plenty of water and get plenty of rest.”

Whatever the troll was expecting that wasn’t it. “...um...thanks?” He rubbed his head right below where two extremely curly horns sprouted, one looked noticeably chipped. “Why are you being so nice to me?”

Jane tapped something else on her tablet. “I happen to be a nice person but I’m not being nice. My job is to make sure you are in tip-top shape gosh darn it.” She waggled a finger under his nose in a chastising way “So be sure to take plenty of naps or I’ll hear about it buster.”

 And with that the troll walked with a slightly drunken look out of the medbay presumably to heed his doctor’s orders.

 

Jane turned to Dirk and raised an eyebrow at the penis-shaped bouquet in his hands. “Honestly Dirk.” she sighed but was fighting back a smile. “You are a child. I take it you’re here to pick up Dave?”

Dirk nodded and motioned to the bouquet in his hands. “Rose helped me pick them out. She said that this would ‘appeal to Dave’s subconscious mind’.”

Jane rolled her eyes but smiled a little. “Heidi you may release the prisoner.”

Nurse Heidi skipped out of a hallway off to the side, pushing a slightly paler-than-usual Dave in a wheelchair.Jane smiled at Dave and motioned to Dirk with a shoulder. “Your bail has been posted you’re free to go.”

Dave smiled and leaned back in the wheelchair. “You’ll miss me. I can tell.”

Jane rolled her eyes and put a hand to her hip playfully. “Get out and stay out you rascal. Before I change my mind.”

Dave leaned back further to look at Nurse Heidi, his hand over his heart in mock hurt. “Do you see this? Doctor Crocker is being mean to me.”

“You poor leetle ting.” Heidi said in her heavy Swedish accent. She took out a sucker from her pocket, unwrapped it and plopped it into his mouth.

“Cahn ah payh you to followh me everywhere and give me candeyh when ah need it?” Dave said through a mouthful of lollypop.

“Come on bro.” Dirk took the handles of the wheelchair from Heidi, he tied the balloon to one of the handlebars and plopped the cards and the penis bouquet into Dave’s lap. “I want to show you something that will cheer you up.”

 

And with that the two brothers waved goodbye to Jane and went on their way, Dirk Pushing Dave’s wheelchair and Dave perusing the cards. Dave picked up a green card had the picture of a crying puppy with it’s leg in a cast on the front.

“DAVE OH MY GOD!” The card seemed to scream in Jade’s messy handwriting. “DON’T DO THAT!! WE WERE REALLY SCARED BUT I’M ALSO REALLY REALLY GLAD YOU’RE OK!!!” Jade then filled the rest of the card with doodles of planets and puppies.

 

A lavender card embossed with silver flowers and a little too-much lace was next, filled with lavender cursive so elaborate it was nearly illegible. The entire package seemed entirely too pompous to be completely serious. It seems Rose sprayed the card with lavender perfume and when he opened it fine lavender glitter floated out in a fine shimmery cloud.

“Dear, dear, dear Brother.” The card began “I hope that the flowers met with your approval. I designed them specifically in an incredibly subtle and nuanced way as to appeal to your subconscious mind.”

Dave snickered at the penis bouquet.

He skimmed to the bottom of the card. “In conclusion, despite my attempts at being your aloof sister I have to admit that I am very much so glad that you’re alive. With all due fondness-Rose”

Dave smiled and closed the card.

 

Casey had drawn a picture of her and her “UNKL DAV” under a crayon rainbow in a field of flowers. Crayon Dave in the picture seemed extremely happy in his sunglasses and what looked suspiciously like a dress. Crayon Casey had a pony. The child had style.

 

Jane’s card had a cupcake with a mustache on it and a list of instructions for if he felt woozy.

 

Jake’s card had a picture of Teddy Roosevelt on the front “No man is worth his salt who is not ready at all times to risk his well-being, to risk his body, to risk his life, in a great cause.” the card proclaimed. Dave didn’t even try to read Jake’s terrible handwriting. He knew it was a lost cause.

 

Roxy had sent a card with a sleepy-looking kitten in a martini glass filled with surprisingly neat but wildly misspelled script. “Oh ~~myp~~ my god Dave you had me so ~~worpied~~ worried!"

 

Dirk handed Dave a card with Barbie on the front having originally read “Happy 3rd birthday girlfriend! From one sassy girl to another!” Dirk had sloppily scratched out the “3rd birthday” and replaced it with “that you didn’t die” so that the the card now read “Happy that you didn’t die! From one sassy girl to another!”

 

John had sent a bottle of apple juice with a blue ribbon around the mouth of the bottle. As tempting as the juice looked, Dave remembered that one movie John made him watch as kids with the peeing in the apple juice. He set that gift to the side.

 

Even Terezi it seemed get in on the card sending and had sent a single sheet of red construction paper folded in half.

Well. She tried.

 

Dirk wheeled Dave to the doors of the engineering area. He engaged the door panel expertly with his foot and wheeled Dave inside. 

Equius was sitting at a work table, black goggles were pushed up his forehead resting just below his horns, his long hair was tied in a ponytail and he held a soldering gun delicately as he worked on something that looked vaguely like a mechanical arm. He looked up as Dirk and Dave entered.

“This is my troll.” Dirk told Dave as he motioned towards Equius.

Equius blushed a bit and groped around the workbench for one of his towels. He finally found one and mopped his forehead. “Hello.” Equius tried to greet the human in the wheeled device properly but was too distracted by the penis bouquet in his arms.

“Equius can you call down Lot A-69 of the aluminum scrap to the forge? I want to show my brother something.”

Equius nodded and stood up from the bench. He took a slightly cracked tablet off the table clicked a few buttons. “The payload should be arriving currently.”

Dirk grinned and wheeled Dave out of the engineering lab and down the hall past facilities. Equius followed intrigued.

“You see…” Dirk explained as he wheeled his brother down the hallway “Before we left Earth I was tasked with buying the scrap metal we would need on the journey.”

Dirk wheeled Dave to a door marked “FORGE” and through the doors, Equius followed close behind. Dirk wheeled Dave down a narrow walkway over a blistering hot space where sooty black and gangly robots poured molten red metal into molds. A vat level with the walkway was filled with odd pieces of jagged scrap metal waiting to be melted down. A Large metal shipping container labeled “A-69” whirred where it was suspended above them and being pulled along a track by mechanical pulleys.

“When I was buying metal.” Dirk watched as the “A-69” payload was being oriented above the vat of pieces to be smelted “I found a VERY INTERESTING factory closing down and selling its wares for scrap.”

Dirk stood in front of the walkway and pressed a button on his own tablet. He raised his arms and the “A-69” shipping container released its load into the waiting vat below. Thousands of metal dicks rained down from the shipping container in a phallic maelstrom. Thousands of metal peens clanked and clattered down into the waiting smelting vat, the aluminum dongs cascading downwards and glittering in the light as they made their way down.

 

It’s raining dick.

 

hallelujah.

 

Dave had his hands to his mouth and was snickering he raised his arms and shouted to the heavens “Thank the lord its a DICK-MAS MIRACLE!”

As the brothers snickered at some sort of joke Equius didn’t understand, the troll frowned and leaned over the railing to rescue a penis. He brushed the dong off and looked at it thoughtfully. “Why would you destroy all of this art?”

Both Dave and Dirk turned to look at him. Dave snorted.

Equius turned the wang around examining it thoroughly. “This is a remarkably fine-crafted piece. Had this been made of a finer metal such as gold or silver it could have been sold for a great deal of money on Alternia.”

“Oh. My. God.” Dave’s face was red with the effort it took not to giggle. “You’re serious.”

“Well…” Dirk grinned and rubbed the back of his neck, unsure of how to broach the subject. “This piece was a metal cast that thousands of erm….rubber reproductions were made from…”

Dave desperately tried to suppress a giggle, his face as red as a tomato. Dirk tried to continue. “These um...reproductions are sold commercially and widely available in ah....specialty shops...”

Dave piped in. “I bet a lot of people on this ship have at least one “reproduction” such as this in a drawer somewhere.”

Equius smiled at the metal dong. “I had no idea that humans were so artistically inclined.”

Both Dirk and Dave hissed out a giggle at that before quickly controlling themselves. “Oh yeah we’re a very artistically inclined people. Us humans. Yessiree”

Dirk patted Equius on the shoulder. “Why don’t we save some of our favorites?”

Equius grinned like a kid in a candy store, hopping the railing and perusing the mountain of dicks and Dirk thought he almost looked adora-

Dave snorted “What a rube.” he said under his breath loud enough for only Dirk to hear.

Dirk flicked Dave on the forehead and Dave batted his hand away. “What the fuck?”

“Yeah but he’s my rube.” Dirk stated simply and hopped over the railing and began to help Equius sort through the dongs.

“What about this one?” Dirk asked Equius of a specimen as he yanked a particularly big dong from the dong pile.

“I like the veining.” Equius looked over the dong thoughtfully.

“I agree.” Dirk nodded and turned it over in his hands.

Dave snorted and rested his head in his hands as he watched them, enjoying the dopey smile on his brother’s face as he and the ripped alien dude sorted through the cocks. It had been a while since Dirk and Jake’s notoriously messy breakup and Dave was glad his brother was happy- Even if that happiness came from a mountain of penis and an alien penis aficionado.

 

Phil walked down the hall from facilities to Engineering. He scratched his scruffy beard. He was fixing the ventilation systems from the previous alien attack and he kept running into a glitch with the closing vent mechanism, he wanted to see if the Strider kid could help him with it.

He opened the door to the Engineering lab “Hello der Strider! I have a problem fer y-” He stopped in his tracks and stared. Dave strider had a mountain of metal dicks in his lap where he sat in the wheelchair, Dirk and Equius were hanging dicks artistically on the walls. Equius stared at the new human, a gleaming metal horse penis in his hands.

Phil backed out of the room and closed the door.

 

Ruth and Churro walked down the glass corridor as technicians fixed the cracks in the oxygen factory’s curved walls. The fish swam happily in their enclosure and blue light filtered through and cast wavy shadows across the smooth white hallway. Churro looked around at his surroundings. When he was trapped down here with Ruth and he thought he was going to die here he really didn’t appreciate how pretty it was down here.

Ruth spotted a water cooler set up for some of the workers. “Oh hey!” she took a plastic cup and poured herself a drink. “I’m going to go take another reverse spit” She made finger guns with her hands and winked at Churro “It's how the cool kids say, get a drink.”

Churro snorted. “Fucking what?”

Ruth smiled lopsidedly and shook her head. “Sorry it's a reference from ‘The office’ I probably shouldn’t make pop-culture references since you’re an alien.”

Churro rolled his eyes. He sat on a bench looking out towards the water. Ruth drank her water and they both looked out at the fish swimming past the glass “We’ve had netflix on Alternia ever since the first contact you know.”

Ruth raised an eyebrow and chugged the rest of her water, crushing the plastic cup and tossing it expertly into a trashcan a good two yards away. “Yeah? What's your favorite human show you’ve seen so far?”

The tips of Churro’s ears turned indigo and he looked away. He rubbed his neck and looked away. “You’ll think it's stupid...”

Ruth shrugged. “As long as it’s not the Sailor Moon reboot you’re good.”

Churro growled and tugged at his hair. “FUCK THAT REBOOT SAILOR MOON DIDN’T NEED NO FUCKING REBOOT. YOU KNOW SOME WEIRDOS ACTUALLY PREFER THE REBOOT?”

Ruth threw her hands in the air “I KNOW RIGHT???? FUCK THE REBOOT!!! She grinned at Churro. “So you like Sailor Moon?”

He shrugged but looked cautiously optimistic. “...yes?...”

Ruth stood on the bench, this way the tiny human was almost level with the hulking troll, she slapped a hand on either side of his face and squeezed, puckering Churro’s lips like a fish.

 

She leaned in.

 

“Sailor Moon.” Ruth leaned in farther and glared at Churro. “Owns. my. ASS.”

 Churro’s eyes widened. “I brought my cosplay stuff...If you would wanna….”

“FUCK YES!!” Ruth jumped off the bench and started running down the hallway towards the barracks “Come on we’re wasting time that could be spent dressed as idiots!”

Churro grinned and ran after her.

 

Churro rummaged through a suitcase large enough for Ruth to comfortably take a nap in, growling and chittering and tossing handmade costumes and props to the side until he found it.

“Here.” he handed it to Ruth.

Ruth grinned and looked it over. “Holy shit! How do you have it in my size?”

Churro shrugged and looked at the garment sadly. “My ex-matesprit Zappik was tiny like you, we used to cosplay together.”

Ruth looked over the costume. “...So what happened?...”

Churro shrugged and picked at a piece of lint on one of the costumes. “His kismesis went to Earth and he followed her there.” He tore something between his claws “He basically chose his kismesis over ME.”

Churro huffed and chittered irritably. “So I went to Earth a bit afterwards to try and show him how awesome I was doing without him, all cosplaying and being cool, but I couldn’t find him and I ended up eating two whole giant bags of Reese's peanut butter cups, going on a rampage through an anime convention, and getting arrested in a Denny’s parking lot trying to fight an attack on Titan cosplayer.”

Churro twisted a piece of snarled hair. “I got sent back to Alternia. They made me wear pants, but I met a cool human on the ship that looked just like Sailor Mercury.”

Ruth nodded. “Neat. I especially liked the parts with the peanut butter cups and the Denny’s parking lot.”

Churro smiled and pulled out his favorite costume. “You ready?”

 

Ruth ran through the ship hallways, her cape fluttering behind her and holding her top hat to her head. “Holy shit I feel so cool!” She screamed and some of the workers working on the glass turned to look at her. “Tuxedo mask was always my favorite!”

Churro jogged behind her, his miniskirt flaring around his scarred and muscular thighs, his hair done up in two long pigtails that accentuated his long wildebeest-like horns. “Fucking wait up! Don’t you know how hard it is to run in heels?!”

Ruth rounded a corner, her cape fluttering dramatically. “Come on Sailor Moon! We have people to save!!!”

 

Phil stretched and exited the door from facilities into the hallway. He scratched his beard and propped up his newspaper he had specially printed now that everyone just got the news on their data pads. He took a sip of coffee. Nothing like the newspaper and a cup of coffee to forget the image of two humans and a troll hanging up metal penises in the engineering department.

A tiny woman in a tuxedo and a cape jogged past him and before Phil could question it a giant troll came thundering down the hallway. The troll’s muscley and scarred thighs were on display under a very small skirt as he ran past Phil towards the tiny human lady. “HOW DOES SAILOR MOON EVEN RUN IN THESE?” He shouted as he jogged through.

Phil backed out of the hallway and closed the door.

 

Eridan was in the ship’s shooting range. Humans were in the stalls next to him practicing with various creatively-shaped targets, some humanoid, some like mutant wolves or animals and others like amorphous monstrosities.

Eridan plugged the temporary shooting-range code into his PCD. Stupid competency tests that made him prove he knew how to shoot things he ALREADY knew how to shoot. The PCD came to life and planes of light came together to form a harpoon gun much like the one he had at home except for the hard planes of crystalline light that glowed slightly in his hands.

He aimed his gun at the targets, firing as they popped up on the range in quick succession shooting the targets through their alien hearts and various eyestalks. At the end of the simulation a computer chirped and beeped letting him know that it was done computing his results.

“Congratulations!” the computer sounded in it’s overly-cheery falsetto “97% accuracy!”

Eridan growled and looked over his PCD. “Stupid piece of shit.”

“It's a poor artist that blames their tools my guy.” someone said next to him and Eridan whirled around to glare at them.

“Wwhat the fuck wwould y-” Eridan started to say but stopped himself when he got a good look at her. She was human, that much he could tell from her rounded ears and her lack of horns. She had platinum blonde hair and was smirking at him over a coffee cup, her pink eyes twinkling at him.

Wait he thought humans didn’t have a spectrum, why-

“Whatever you used before probably had a slight left lean to it.” The human answered and startled Eridan out of his revelry.

The human walked over and put a tiny delicate and clawless hand on his arm, her touch was light as a feather and made a shiver go down his spine. She coaxed him gently to adjust his stance and the way he held out his arm, leaning over him and looking down the barrel of his gun.

“You’ve been overcompensating.” She stated.

Eridan flushed. “Wwhat?” he sputtered.

She smiled up at him, a quirked eyebrow and a flash of teeth. “You’re shooting I mean.” her eyes glittered “You overcompensate for a slightly off kilter gun.”

She looked up at the clasps of his cape that Eridan very much so now regrets putting on this morning. She laughed gently, nothing more than a quick huff of breath and a tiny quirk to her lips. “Though maybe you’re over compensating in other ways as well.”

The human stepped back and Eridan didn’t miss her warmth at all.

Nope.

She raised her PCD at the shooting range, a mid-sized blaster appearing in her hands. She twirled her gun and fired at the first target with the skill of a surgeon, blasting through each eyestalk and where the target measured the exact center of gravity, the next one and the next one met the same precise end until all of the targets had been cleared.

“Congratulations!” The computer chirped as Roxy blew imaginary smoke off the end of the blaster. Eridan wasn’t distracted by her pursed lips and the shiney pink lip-gloss she wore at all. “100% accuracy!”

The human looked up at him and waggled her eyebrows “I’m good with my hands.”

Eridan stared at the human, his fins flared out and his face purple. He was so distracted he fired his blaster accidentally. Humans shrieked in the range and he hunched his shoulders embarrassed.

She giggled and patted his arm gently.

“It's alright.” She smiled teasingly and winked “Premature firing happens to a lot of guys.”

And with that she sauntered out of the room, giggling and smirking.

 

Holy shit.

 

Nuduro Tambin whistled as he tied his apron around his hips. He was a tall olive blood with wide shoulders and horns that curved gently before ending in hooks. His hair was cut close on either sides of his head and allowed to grow longer on top. He was working in food service on the ship and honesty it was the best fucking thing ever.

Plants on Alternia aren’t edible. Fuck you shouldn’t even look at Alternian plants, not with all the poison spores, the seed pods that spray hydrogen gas (He had a tree that kept blowing those into his yard and when you try to rake them they explode) and some in the northern parts that can eat a an armored lizard lusus whole.

Earth plants on the other hand are totally awesome! Some of them are poisonous if you eat or touch them but most of them come in all sorts of fun colors and smell nice and look pretty.

And some plants you can even eat!

There are redfruit trees on Alternia sure, but the fruits are tiny, bitter and make you vomit if you don’t boil them first, they’re nobody’s first choice for food.

Which is what makes Earth food so awesome! Food literally grows on trees! It sounds like the kinda place where if you needed it, the planet would provide. It sounds like a nice way to live.

Nuduro honestly liked the idea of humans when he first heard about them, like trolls except smaller and in lots of different cute colors, blunt-toothed plant eaters that care about each other. Actually being on the ship with them gave him a slightly different perspective on the species (they were less huggy than he imagined) but he was still really enjoying himself!

Nuduro had a paring knife out and was peeling an apple, his tongue peeking out past his teeth in concentration.

He had been looking up iconic human recipes to try out. like an “I respect your culture” kinda gesture. When he asked his human supervisor in the ship kitchens for a recipe that conveyed this, the tiny old brown human smiled and told him that humans from different countries would all give him different answers-

The Americans would tell him Apple pie and hamburgers, Jamaicans would tell him Ackee and Saltfish, Koreans would say Bulgogi, Kibbeh for the Syrians, Wiener schnitzels for the Austrians, Pot-au-feu for the french, Yorkshire pudding for the british. Goulash, Harkarl, Bigos, ful medames, fasolada, ajiaco, poutine, pho, falafel, crepes!

Nuduro was honestly overwhelmed with the Earth recipes she showed him. Earth considers food a form of art even! There are people who dedicate their lives to art food! Entire professions!

When Nuduro served in a troll kitchen before, he really only had to make sure the food was technically edible and that nobody poisoned anyone else with their food.

So he’s starting at the top of the list! Apple pie for today!

He painstakingly peeled the apples, added the sugar and a weird brown powder that his supervisor made him wear a surgical mask when he measured it out. Apparently humans liked to add a lot of things to their food that were poisonous to trolls and “cinnamon” was just one of those. He made the crust, added the filling, the top crust broke when he put it on, but he pinched it back together. When he baked the pie, filling bubbled out in an odd way. It certainly didn’t look like the picture in the recipe book, but his supervisor clapped her little brown human hands looking ridiculously proud of him. She had him hold his first ever human pastry aloft and she and the other humans clapped with appreciation.

A green blush came to Nuduro’s cheeks and he ducked his head in embarrassment.

He put his pie out proudly on the cafeteria line, a smudge of flour on his cheek as he grinned at the pastry.

“Hello?”

Nuduro whirled around to where a human waited with his cafeteria tray. The human had red hair and pale blue eyes under glasses, he smiled gently, little brown dots decorating his cheeks and the bridge of his nose.

“Oh!” Nuduro brushed his hands off on his apron and put on a pair of rubber gloves that humans insisted on while working with food- he tried his best not to tear them with his claws. “What can I get for you?”

The human tapped a clawless finger against his pink lips as he looked at the cafeteria line. “hmm...I really only wanted a snack...what do you recommend?”

He leaned down to put his elbows on the counter and put his head in his hands. He grinned and wiggled his ears. The human giggled at him. “Well there just so happens to be an APPLE PIE that SOMEONE just baked for THE FIRST TIME EVER”

The human smiled wider and covered a laugh with his hand. “I take it it was you who baked the pie?”

Nuduro grinned and nodded.

The human grinned and shrugged. “Then I guess I’ll have a piece of apple pie.”

Nuduro grinned and cut the human a generous slice, sliding it onto a small plate. “Would you like anything to drink with that? I know humans tend to drink coffee.”

The human shook his head. “No thank you I don’t like coffee, maybe some tea?”

Nuduro smiled and poured him a cup of hot water. “Green? Oolong? Chamomile? Mint? Earl grey?”

The human smiled and giggled a bit, a tiny little musical hum from the tiny little colorful human. “Earl grey please.”

Nuduro handed the plate with the pie on it and then the hot cup of tea to the human, their hands brushed as they met around the hot cup of tea, everything smelled sweet like cinnamon and sugar and Earl Grey tea. His hands were tiny and warm and his eyes were a lovely shade of blue.

Something clattered in the kitchen and the spell was broken.

“Well um…” The human’s cheeks were red as he ducked his head and tucked a piece of orange-red hair behind a rounded human ear. “See you around?”

Nuduro smiled and fidgeting nervously in the kitchen. “...yeah...see you around…”

And with that the human waved shyly and was off, the smell of Earl grey and apple pie lingering as he left.

Nuduro sighed.

 

Half an hour later the human was back, except…

 

Something was off.

 

“Coffee. Black.” snapped the human. Somehow within the half hour the human had been gone dark smudges had appeared under his eyes, he lost his glasses and he changed his clothes.

Nuduro’s ears flattened in confusion as he looked over the human. “I thought you said you didn’t like coffee?”

The human glared at him, the pale blue eyes that seemed so warm half an hour ago were now hard as ice. “DO I FUCKING KNOW YOU?”

Nuduro looked around and shrugged, grimacing. “Uh...you were here half an hour ago.”

The human rolled his eyes. “I’ve been working the last twelve hours on the new safety protocols since the alien attack. I can promise you I haven’t been in the FUCKING cafeteria.”

The human grabbed Nuduro by the cuff of his uniform and yanked him roughly down to eye-level. “SO GIVE ME MY FUCKING COFFEE BEFORE I BREAK YOUR FINGERS”

Nuduro handed him the coffee cup.

 

Later he recounted the events as he laid on a pile with his Moirail Churro, the two of them were sharing a jar of peanut butter.

“And so then he was like “GIVE ME MY FUCKING COFFEE!” Nuduro moodily scooped out a spoonful of peanut butter and plopped it in his mouth. “He had been so cute and nice before I don’t get it.”

Churro took the jar and thoughtfully scooped his own spoonful. “Humans are fucking weird man.” he swirled the spoon thoughtfully in the peanut butter and thought of Ruth. “Sometimes they’re acting pale one moment, then almost black the next.”

Nuduro took back the jar. “I don’t know what's going on.” he licked the peanut butter, a determined look in the way his eyes narrowed and the way he scrunched his eyebrows. “But I’m going to find out.”

 

The next morning his human showed up in the cafeteria breakfast line. Nuduro eyed them warily as he scooped scrambled eggs onto other patron’s trays, trying to determine WHICH side of his human would show now.

“Sup fuckface.” His human greeted him with a bored look on his face, his glasses noticeably missing. “Black coffee and waffles.”

Okay so that solves the question of which personality this one was. Maybe if he gently reminded him of his sweet adorable side…

Nuduro squinted his eyes at him. “Are you sure you don’t want tea. Like EARL GREY TEA PERHAPS?”

The human glared back, a confused and disgusted twist to his lips. “What the fuck is with you and goddamn tea? You’re as bad as my br-”

Nuduro leaned in, using all of height to loom over the human, he tried to smile but it probably came out as a strained grimace judging by how the human leaned away from him “OR. MAYBE. SOME. PIE?” Nuduro stressed every syllable to the human.

The human shook his head. “FUCKING NO! GIVE ME MY WAFFLES AND GET OUT OF MY FACE!”

Nuduro gripped the human’s cheeks and looked at him beseechingly. “REMEMBER WHO YOU ARE!”

The human flailed backwards and Nuduro was almost pulled out of the kitchen as the human scrambled away from him. The human fell on his butt and threw the tray at Nuduro which bonked against his horns before falling with a clatter.

“WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?” the human screamed and scrambled away.

And with that the human was gone, leaving Nuduro no closer to saving his human from his douchey alternate personality. Nuduro squinted after him and continued to serve scrambled eggs to confused cafeteria patrons.

 

Two hours later and Nuduro was just regarding cinnamon buns sadly. Perfect little cinnamon buns, just like his human before he lost him to his alternate jerk personality. He sighed. Someone came into the cafeteria line.

“Hi!” His human smiled as him and waved cheerily, pushing his glasses up his nose. “It's good to see you!”

Nuduro eyed him warily. “......”

His human looked concerned, fiddling with the cuffs of his uniform nervously. They chewed their lip. “Are you ok?”

Nuduro didn’t say a word, only dropping down to retrieve a cup of coffee. He pushed the cup towards the human, his claws clinking against the china. He hid behind the counter, only his eyes and horns showing as he glared at the human.

The human blinked down at the cup and shook his head. “Umm...no thank you...I don’t really like coffee...Do you have earl grey instead?”

Tears pricked at Nuduro’s eyes and he clambered onto the counter and took the human’s face in both hands. “WHO ARE YOU???” he demanded.

The human looked very worried and confused from where Nuduro had his face in his hands. “WHAT???”

Nuduro looked at him earnestly on the verge of tears. “At first you were so nice and cute-”

The human blushed where his head was between Nuduro’s hands “You thought I was cute?”

Nuduro didn’t seem to hear him and continued. “But then you showed up in different clothes being a complete total douche! calling me a fuckface and-”

Recognition passed over the human’s face “Wait that wasn’t me I-”

“HEY FUCKFACE!” Someone yelled and Nuduro turned and-

Another copy of his human was running up “WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU’RE DOING TO MY LITTLE BROTHER?”

The human in Nuduro’s hands waved frantically and pushed up his glasses. “No Elliot it's ok!”

But before Nuduro could ask how the fuck there were TWO of his human the other angrier version punched him in the face.

 

Nuduro woke up to the sensation of a warm hand brushing hair out of his face. He was on the floor with his head in one of the human’s laps, the human whose lap he was on pushed up his glasses and looked worriedly down at him, the other human stood off to the side and looked moodily off to the side. scrambled eggs and cinnamon buns from the breakfast line were strewn around haphazardly.

“Thank goodness you’re ok!” Said the human his head was resting on “You were out cold for a moment there!”

The human off brooding to the side hunched his shoulders and seethed. “You should have fucking told me he was your alien boyfriend Jacob! I wouldn’t have punched him then!”

The human whose lap he was on huffed and glared, a blush around their cheeks either from anger or embarrassment. “He’s not my boyfriend Elliot!”

Nuduro sat up and looked at the two humans. “There are two of you! How are their two of you?!”

The nice version pushed up his glasses and shrugged sheepishly. “Hi...My name is Jacob.” he pointed at the angry version. “And that's my brother Elliot.”

He laughed and rubbed the back of his neck.

“We’re twins.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the jazz harmonica rized from the ashes its angry tooting somehow sounding like a heavy metal guitar riff played on a kazoo. "Comment!" it toots angrily "Comment I command you!!!"
> 
> Comment if you enjoyed! I hope you enjoyed it!
> 
> also I'm realizing that I have way too many gingers about. However being a ginger myself my idea of ginger population density is a bit skewed. because when you are a ginger, everywhere you go there is at least one ginger because I am a ginger and I am here. And somehow in my mind that means that there are a lot of gingers in this world.
> 
> also tell me if this kind of spacing is easier to read! I have been writing this in google docs and then copy-pasting it over and it has been putting in HUGE spaces on ao3 so tell me if this is better or if you for some reason prefer the gigantic spacing.


	10. The mystery of the dead planet

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Karkat, John, Jake and Aradia visit a mysterious planet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A little cute, a little sad a little creepy and even a little but sexy (wink) this chapter has got it!

Stars swirled languidly past the large curved windows of the observation deck 24-a of the Starship Skaia. Karkat looked out into vast recesses of space the starship was currently hurtling through, his silhouette was filled with stars and his red eyes shone brightly back at him.

He walked out into the hallway where trolls and humans bustled past, a forklift drove through carrying some sort of large glowing crystal specimen that pulsated gently, a pair of cobalts who had been talking to each other as they walked past grunted and nodded at Karkat which is about the highest sign of respect anyone under green would ever see from a cobalt. A tan skinned human woman wearing a long braid and a lab coat bowed slightly as Karkat walked by. “Good morning captain!” she said cheerily with both hands pressed together as she bowed.

Karkat really didn’t know what to say to that, so he mostly just grimaced and waved a hand awkwardly.

Karkat crossed the hallway to a railing on the other side, he looked over the railing to the crisscrossing walkways below where trolls and humans bustled along carrying specimens to be studied and data pads and talking with one another.

There were nearly a thousand crewmembers on this ship.

And Karkat was responsible for each and every one of their lives.

The weight of the responsibility sagged Karkat’s shoulders.

Jesus shit-fucking fuck what the goddamn living shit did he get into?

He looked over at the people below the walkway, crisscrossing like ants in their ant-tunnels. It used to be considered very un-troll-like, but the last thing Karkat ever wanted was for someone to die. He sighed and rested his head in a hand. He didn’t want anyone to die but the “Mep” incident made him question his ability to do that.

He had new safety protocols built, new training implemented, new security systems but it just didn’t feel like enough.

He hummed maybe he could ask if the-

 

“HI KARKAT!” someone yelled and Karkat startled, his elbow slipped from the railing and Karkat fumbled almost tumbling over the railing (or at least hitting his head on the damn thing) before a strong arm slipped around his middle and hauled him upright.

John grinned down at him and Karkat hissed his displeasure.

 

“YOU ALMOST MADE ME FALL FUCKFACE!” Karkat screamed and chittered lowly in agitation.

 

John only laughed and set Karkat down gently. Karkat testily smoothed down imaginary wrinkles from his uniform.

John smiled and sipped coffee from some sort of lumpy abomination handmade clay coffee mug that read “Best DAD EVR” in scrawled paint on the side. His hair was messy.

And if there is ever something Karkat knew, it was that you can’t trust anyone who could look good with messy hair, it just isn’t natural.

 

Karkat growled louder at John “What the fuck do you want?”

 

John grinned “We have a new prospective planet we have to review! You are a part of the decision process my fellow co-captain friend!” John chirped.

 

Karkat raised a clawed finger “First of all you AREN’T my friend. Second-”

 

“Co-captain buddy!” John interrupted.

 

Karkat scowled at him “NO.”

 

“Co-captain dude?” John asked.

 

“What even IS that?”

 

“Co-captain guy?” John shrugged.

 

Karkat rolled his eyes and chittered.

 

“Co-captain bro?” John made a finger gun at Karkat and grinned.

 

Karkat slapped his finger gun away. “IF YOU TRY TO CALL ME ANY OF THOSE THINGS I WILL RIP YOUR INTESTINES FROM YOUR GUT AND STRANGLE YOU WITH THEM.”

 

John grinned and waggled his eyebrows. “Kinky!”

 

Karkat’s ears went red and he sputtered indignantly, but before he could scream out a reply John interrupted him.

 

“Come on Kitkat we have a planet to go decide on!”

 

Karkat glared at him. He noticed his patented death-glares had no effect on the human. He made a note to himself to be at least 30% surlier when he interacted with John. “First of all. I’m not a fucking candy. Second of all HOW THE FUCK DID YOU EVEN FIND ME? I CAME HERE TO BE ALONE.”

 

John grinned and took out his data pad. “I found you on the security cameras! Here take a look!”

 

John leaned over him and brought up the cameras on his data pad. “See this is you being all sad and emo and shit.” John rewound the footage to show Karkat brooding moodily against the walkway railing.

 

“And here I come!” The John on the security footage was grinning like an idiot and taking large theatrical steps, sneaking up on Karkat like a cartoon villain.

 

“And then I got your attention.” The John on the security footage leaned down towards Karkat, stupid grin on his face as Karkat looked moodily over the railing before the John on the footage screamed into Karkat’s ears.

 

“And then you flailed around…” The Karkat in the footage Jumped up, his arms flailing wildly and bristling like a cat.

 

“Lets see that one on slow motion!” John grinned and Karkat hid his face. John swiped across the data pad and rewound the footage before playing it back slowly. The Karkat on the footage jumped in slow motion, his facial expressions distorting in all sorts of hilarious ways which was documented in excruciating slow-mo detail, Karkat’s arms flailed like a drunken spider.

 

“And this is where I saved you from going over the railing!” John chirped as the John on the security footage wound an arm around the footage Karkat like a fireman saving a neurotic kitten from a tree, all without spilling his coffee.

 

Karkat couldn’t quite make eye contact with John anymore. His ears and cheeks were completely red and he hunched his shoulders irritably. He chittered annoyed. “Just fucking take me to the bridge so we can get this over with.”

 

John brought a hand to his cheek and smiled down at Karkat. “Dawww! You sound like an angry little kitten!”

 

Karkat looked up at John dismayed “What?”

 

John was completely unfazed by what just came out of his mouth “what?”

 

Karkat hunched his shoulders and trudged ahead, steadfastly ignoring the lanky human. “LETS JUST FUCKING GO EVALUATE THIS PLANET.”

 

John shrugged and took a sip from the lumpy abomination mug. “Whatever dude.”

 

Dirk was working in the Hangar bay getting the Felicias ready to be sent to the planet below. He heard something clank behind him. He turned around and one of the Felicia drones was missing from it’s dock, the drone was jauntily scuttling across the hangar like a kid that successfully snuck a cookie from the cookie jar.

 

Dirk put his hands on his hips. “Felicia. Susan. Strider.”

 

The hulking egg-shaped bot stopped in its tracks and looked guiltily at Dirk.

 

“Just where do you think you’re going you sassy little Susan?” Dirk chastised the robot.

 

The robot hummed lowly and rubbed its two forelegs together guiltily.

 

Dirk pointed at the empty dock. “You get back into bed missy. You’re going on an important mission soon.”

 

The robot hummed and shook its head.

 

“Felicia…” Dirk warned. His eyebrow arched dangerously.

 

The robot beeped a negative tone and rolled its head and legs back into its body, the segments coming together into a seamless egg-like exterior.

 

“Felicia.” Dirk huffed exasperated.

 

Felicia beeped rudely.

 

Dirk sighed and crossed over to the robot. “Get in your dock.” He demanded and pushed against the hulking egg-shaped robot.

 

Felicia booped and one fore-leg extended to gently push Dirk away.

 

“FELICIA.” Dirk yelled and his shades were knocked askew. Dirk huffed and righted his shades.

 

“Fine then.” Dirk shrugged theatrically. “Guess you won’t GET TO relay all kinds of IMPORTANT INFORMATION and see ALL KINDS OF COOL THINGS. WHATEVER. SUCKS FOR YOU.”

 

Felicia’s head popped out of the shell like a cork in a wine bottle. She booped in a curious tone.

 

“No no.” Dirk waved her away. “You made your choice.”

 

Felicia’s legs popped out and she tapped her legs up and down anxiously.

 

“No no.” Dirk sighed dramatically. “It’s too late now.”

 

Felicia beeped earnestly.

 

Dirk looked over his shoulder. “Promise to be good?”

 

Felicia’s head bobbed earnestly up and down.

 

“Ok then get in your dock.”

 

Felicia scuttled excitedly to her dock and, she turned around and around like a dog getting comfortable before settling down and rolling back her legs.

 

Dirk patted the robot. “Thank you Felicia.”

 

Felicia booped enjoying the affection.

  


John and Karkat walked onto the bridge of the ship, a large planet covered in swirling grey smoke before them.

 

“Really.” Karkat arched an eyebrow at the planet. “THIS hunk of junk?”

 

John frowned and touched his com. “Jade talk to me.”

 

Jade poured through numbers in her office in the science sector. “No trust me! This planet is in the goldilocks zone! If nothing is living there now it is almost mathematically certain that something living once did!”

 

John shrugged at Karkat “Jade thinks it’s a good bet.”

 

Karkat rolled his eyes “Let me talk to her.” He grabbed John’s shoulder and pulled him down to scream in his com. “I’M NOT GOING TO WASTE MY FUCKING TIME ON A DEAD FUCKING PLANET.”

 

Jade winced away from her com as she worked in her office. Karkat released John and John staggered upright to rub his ear.

 

Jade put her hands on her hips. “Oh yeah! John you tell that guy that math doesn’t lie!”

 

John looked back at Karkat. “Jade says math doesn’t lie.”

 

“Oh YEAH? WELL-” Karkat seethed and made to pull John back down to scream in his com again. Not wanting to be an unwilling participant in Karkat and Jade’s screaming match John jumped back, his hands up.

 

“Lets just send down the probes and see alright?”

 

Karkat huffed and crossed his arms. “FINE.”

 

“Dirk.” John touched his com “Can you send a couple of Felicias to the planet below?”

 

“Rodger.” Dirk stated.

 

“Actually my name is John!” John giggled.

 

“Dork.” Dirk snorted and released the Felicias, the egg-shaped robots were spat out into space. The Felicia that was misbehaving earlier hummed happily as she started to enter the atmosphere.

 

“There she go.” Dirk wiped a tear as Felicia booped happily.

  
  


Video feeds of grey swirling clouds showed in the bridge as the drones descended into the planet below.

 

Dirk sighed as one of the Felicias beeped irritably over the com line. “I asked you to gather data. Telling me that it’s ‘stinky and gross’ isn’t data.” Dirk’s data pad chimed with a new message.

 

[ http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/stinky ](http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/stinky) ,http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/gross

 

Dirk read the message and huffed. “Also for the record girls, sending me the webster dictionary definitions of “stinky” and “gross” ALSO isn’t data.”

 

“Wait a minute…” John squinted at the video feed “Is that a-”

 

Just then a tall spiraling tower cut through the grey clouds. Then another one, and another one. The architecture was foreign, pocked with large oval windows in seemingly random patterns, balconies jutted out from the structures like belligerent mushrooms. The towers were textured oddly as if made from stucco but when the Felicia drones zoomed in they could see that the walls were carved in a multitude of complicated designs, some geometric and orderly like mandalas or Aztec designs, others swirling and free-flowing, all of them were punctuated with hard pieces of gleaming shells or tiles.

The otherwise beautiful towers were splattered with some sort of grey residue, as if someone had popped a giant balloon filled with grey paint in the distance. Dust from the grey clouds had settled into the carvings on the buildings, built up perhaps over hundreds or thousands of years.

 

John squinted at a mushroom-shaped balcony. “Felicia-37 zoom in 200%”

 

The robot chirped out an affirmative and zoomed in a figure now noticeable on the balcony.

 

Karkat’s ears went back and his eyes widened with shock. “There are still people on this shit hole?”

 

John’s eyes were hard “Felicia-37 activate cloaking. I want a better look.”

 

The Felicia drone chirped an affirmation and shimmered before activating it’s camouflage abilities and flying closer. The Felicia extended its legs and landed gracefully on the side of the building, climbing quietly until it reached the balcony.

The figure looked humanoid but extremely elongated, bone-white, and spattered with the same sort of grey substance that was along the towers.

 

Karkat raised an eyebrow. “...a statue?”

 

The figure seemed entirely solid, humanoid but extremely tall and elongated, delicate-looking with a serene expression on a large-eyed nose-less face. Eight or so stone grasshopper-like wings were folded demurely along the figure’s back.

 

John eyed the figure. “Scan it.”

 

The drone beeped an affirmation and a ray of red light raked across the figure.

 

Jade looked over the data and put a hand to her mouth horrified. “Guys….”

 

“What is it Jade?” John asked.

 

Jade bit her lip and zoomed into a 3-D model of the figure. “I’m seeing signs of…”

 

“Jade?” John’s brows furrowed. “What is it?”

 

“Organs.” Jade blurted out horrified. “Signs of organs. A cardiovascular system, muscles-”

 

John’s eyes widened.

 

“Whatever this was…” Jade continued. “It used to be alive…”

 

John looked out at the video-feed. “She used to be alive?”

 

Karkat looked at the figure with horror. “It’s been completely calcified…”

 

“Keep going.” John instructed the robot. “Look for signs of survivors.”

 

The robots continued.

 

All across the city it was the same. Calcified creatures on balconies stood serenely. A pair of the creatures stood on another balcony their odd elongated three-fingered hands entwined and serene and peaceful looks on their faces. Others stood on rooftops or in streets, seemingly paused where they had stood, calm looks on their faces, their hands folded demurely.

The robots came to a large empty place in the middle of the city. The city square was patterned with a large interconnected mandala-like mosaic, odd fungus-like trees stood calcified in what must have been a park. Thousands of the figures were gathered here, all serene, looking down into the distance, some sat on mushroom-like stools as if politely waiting in a doctor’s office, others were curled on the ground as if napping.

 

“What the hell is this?...” Karkat whispered. “What could have taken them all by surprise like this?”

 

Jade furrowed her brows as she tapped away on a data pad. “John put me on speaker Karkat will want to hear this.”

 

John obliged.

 

“I don’t think they were taken by surprise look-” A picture of the town square showed up on the bridge screen. Green lines showed on the screen as Jade scribbled on her own version of the picture.

 

“See the trajectory of the grey stuff on the buildings?” Jade drew on the splattered to illustrate how they all seemed to originate from a point off in the distance. “Now look at the people…”

 

Jade flipped through picture after picture of the odd lanky creatures. “See where they were looking?”

 

John’s eyes flicked over the pictures. “They were all looking at the direction the grey goo came from.”

 

“So they knew it was going to happen.” Karkat continued. “They knew it was going to happen and they what? Just stopped and WAITED for it?”

 

Jade put her head in her hands where she was in her office.

 

John sighed and put down his lumpy coffee mug, the “BEST DAD EVR” on the side glinted dully in the light. John studied it for a moment before answering. “I want to know what happened here. Prepare a ground team.”

 

John began to stalk out of the room a determined look in his eyes. “Also we should get the archaeologists in on this. We’ll need them.”

 

“That air isn’t breathable John! We can’t send anyone down there!” Karkat yelled as John left the bridge.”

 

John leaned back to look at Karkat. “We’re in space Karkat. We have space suits.”

 

Karkat mentally berated himself for being a fucking idiot, blushing with his ears folded back. “Shit. fuck. Yeah.”

 

“Come on.” John stalked down the hallway and motioned for Karkat to follow. “We’re going to figure out what happened here.”

 

Karkat followed him.

  


Aradia grinned and bounced excitedly in the seat of the transportation pod. A thicker atmosphere suit on her. “I’m so excited!” she giggled gleefully “I wonder what could have killed an entire planet?!”

 

Karkat watched as John stared out of the pod window a hard look in his eyes.

Jake sat next to Aradia with a data pad in his hands. “It reminds me of the finds at pompeii on Earth! Though instead of the bodies being calcified or otherwise- the people were mostly killed by poisonous gas from the volcano or searing hot ash and then buried in the volcanic debris, they would decompose and leave an outline of their bodies and researchers would pour plaster into the mold to study them.”

 

Aradia’s eyes widened “That's so interesting! Not leaving a corpse but rather an imprint in the ash…”

 

Jake and Aradia continued to chatter on about all of the casts found at pompeii, dogs, cattle, entire families all buried in the ash as if frozen in time.

 

They reached the planet and John turned to Karkat, Aradia, Jake and the two burly humans and a cobalt brought along for security. “You’ll need your helmets on this planet, Karkat you can probably fit a human size but for the rest of the trolls you’ll need the horn attachments.”

 

Karkat grumbled quietly even though he didn’t think John meant any offense this time. The human had been uncharacteristically somber and serious since he’s seen this planet. Aradia shrugged and smiled apologetically at Karkat and the cobalt (who had very long curly horns) tried his best not to snicker but failed.

Aradia and the cobalt brought for security took out what John would describe as, if he was in a joking mood, obscenely long thick padded condoms. Each tube was made out of the same material the space suits were made out of and had a metal band on the end of them. Aradia and the cobalt slipped them on their horns like a lady putting on a stocking. When they put on their helmets the gear automatically recognized where the metal bands were placed at the base of the horns and two horn holes opened up, once the horns were threaded through (Aradia’s took a while because of the twists in her horns) the metal band connected with the helmet and the helmet and horn stocking linked together, clicking and whirring electronically to create an air-tight bond.

The pod landed on the dead planet, the spidery legs unfurling to clink gracefully down on the alien street. The pod pressurized and the doors opened.

The world was hazy grey, the marble-white street was as intricately carved as the buildings that loomed over them like sentries, grey dust collecting in the grooves.

Jake and Aradia dropped to their knees to examine the marks.

 

“Remarkable!” Jake ran his finger over a swirling line in the white material. “Well butter my biscuits! These look as if they have been carved by hand!”

 

He pointed something out to Aradia “See we find the same sort of tool-marks on ancient Earth carvings! It looks like it was from something remarkably sharp...Like some sort of extremely fine chisel or pick…”

 

Aradia looked around the barren alien street. “Hold on! I think I have a theory about that!” She ran off into the grey mist. The group could hear something snap ominously and Karkat was about to run after her before she trotted back to the group with something long and white in her hands.

 

Aradia passed the thing to Jake. “Could this have done it?”

 

Jake pressed the thin sharp thing to the marks on the carvings. “Yes! The marks are nearly identical! What is this thing?”

 

Aradia grinned widely. “A finger.”

 

Jake yelped and in his panic threw the petrified alien finger away from him, Aradia caught it with an air of mild amusement at his reaction.

 

“Miss Megido.” John scowled down at her. “You have to respect the dead.”

 

“Why.” Aradia looked up at him. “They’re dead.”

 

Jake put a hand to his chest, recovering from his shock. “It is a human thing my fair Miss Megido. Humans are very particular in how they handle other dead people. You aren’t to fiddle faddle around with them for any reason except for science, in respect for the person who has passed. Lots of legality and morals tied up with it. So please refrain from snapping off pieces willy-nilly.”

 

Aradia shrugged and looked down at the finger. “Sorry. I will try to keep human sensibilities in mind next time.”

 

Jake seemed to take that to heart, but Karkat and the Cobalt recognized that this really meant “I’ll wait until you’re out of the room next time.”

 

The exploration party continued on, Jake and Aradia both took plenty of pictures of symbols they found along the way. Calcified figures lined the way, sitting demurely at what reminded John of bus stops on Earth, looking off into the distance and politely waiting for the end of the world.

Up close it was easier to judge just how much taller the creatures were. The standing ones were at least seven feet tall. They were extremely slender and appeared to have hard shells under the calcification with jointed bug-like limbs. Antennas sprouted from the backs of their foreheads curling gracefully and ending anywhere from the tops of their thin shoulders to the back of their legs and even very rarely they saw a couple with antennas that would have dragged on the ground if they were not curved so delicately on the air. Just like in the footage from the Felicias eight pairs of grasshopper-like wings were folded demurely on their backs or flared gracefully.

Most of the creatures wore long calcified robes but when one of the humans on the security detail found a creature without a robe the party made the slightly horrifying and really interesting discovery that these creatures didn’t have feet. Rather their legs ended in fine points just like any bug’s and it gave the effect of standing perpetually en pointe.

John took a moment to glare at Aradia when they found a figure noticeably missing a finger.

Aradia and Jake spent the entire day photographing and analyzing, taking notes and bickering about what artifacts were used to do what (Jake found a sort of pronged scraper which he said looked a lot like a comb and Aradia told him he was stupid because none of these creatures had hair), and generally having the times of their lives on the dead planet.

Karkat watched as John moved around the area like a ghost, he was uncharacteristically quiet, looking at all the figures somberly. Gently going through artifacts in one of the towers as if anything he touched might break. He found a smaller version of the creatures, a juvenile probably, that was sitting next to an elder on a mushroom-shaped bench outside and he got even quieter after that.

Karkat walked over to where John was sitting next to the elder alien and the juvenile on the bench. John even as lanky as he is, was considerably shorter than the creatures and his legs dangled off the bench.

 

“Hey fuckface.” Karkat whispered as he approached. “Not that I’m concerned or anything…” he continued gently “but you’re not being your usual dipshit self…”

 

John’s mouth twitched slightly at that in a motion that might have been an aborted smile before his mouth fell back down into a more somber expression. “This entire planet is dead Karkat…”

 

Karkat shrugged. “What else is new?”

 

John rolled his eyes and glared half-heartedly at Karkat “It doesn’t seem fair that these many lives, an entire civilization would be cut short…” he snapped his fingers “Just like that.”

 

John looked sadly off into the distance where calcified alien figures lines the streets.

 

Karkat sighed. “I know your type.”

 

John looked back at him curiously.

 

“Because I’m that type too.” Karkat looked sadly down at the ground. “You’re the type that takes death personally, like every single fucking soul is riding on your ass and if you don’t make it in time, if you don’t do something, if you weren’t there…”

 

Karkat sighed. “It doesn’t matter because you still feel it.”

 

Karkat looked at John and motioned off towards the streets. “Look at this shit. This probably happened hundreds or thousands of years before we were even hatched-”

 

“Humans are born actually.” John piped in.

 

“I don’t know what that is and I don’t care.” Karkat glared at John to hush him “The point is that there isn’t anything you could have possibly, feasibly done and the universe doesn’t care whether things are fair or not.”

 

Karkat shrugged. “In the end you can only protect who you can, where you can, and when you can.”

 

John looked down at Karkat. “Do you really think we live in an indifferent universe?”

 

Karkat rolled his eyes. “Tell me ONE good thing the universe has done.”

 

John smiled a bit and put his head in one hand to look down at Karkat, a glint returning to his blue eyes. “Oh plenty...but most recently the universe allowed me-”

 

Karkat was about to roll his eyes. Of course he’s the kind of guy that good things happen to for no reason. He probabl-

 

“-to meet you.” John ended and smiled gently down at the troll who’s ears were quickly reddening.

 

Karkat coughed before he could say anything stupid. He squared his shoulders and turned away so John wouldn’t see the blush making it’s home on his face.

 

“Shut up and get off the bench you look like a wiggler waiting for their lusus.” Karkat stated gruffly.

 

John hopped off the bench and Karkat tried his best not to look at him but his eyes kept darting back to the tall human on their own accord, as if he would disappear into the grey smoke if he kept his eyes off him for too long.

John squared his shoulders and looked thoughtfully at a calcified figure across the street. “Alright.” John cracked his knuckles “We should take a couple of these back to the ship to analyze.”

 

Karkat and John looked up at the supremely delicate eight-foot tall figure

...

“Now how the ever-loving fuck are we going to get it back into the pod?” Karkat scowled up at the figure.

 

It turns out that Jake and Aradia had some sort of new space-age bullshit specifically designed for transporting delicate specimens. It almost looked like a can of spray cheese except that once sprayed onto a surface puffed out into a fluffy bouncy protective layer. Also despite Aradia’s apparent ease in snapping off fingers of the calcified creatures, they found them to be for the most part very durable.

They managed to fit two of the figures sideways in the pod, awkwardly propped up on their calcified robes and grasshopper wings. The humans and trolls piled up back into the pod, Aradia and Jake fussing over the specimens the entire time.

As they arrived back on the ship the pod and the specimens were completely checked and scrubbed down (they learned their lesson from the mep incident) and everyone who had been on planet was put through a sterilization cycle.

Karkat and John walked through the newly-implemented sterilization chamber. Purple lights shone from above and killed the microbes across their skin. Aradia and Jake went off to a similar chamber and the security personnel went into a separate chamber

 

“Hey guys!” Jade greeted them from an intercom above them. A round portion of the floor raised up to reveal a round oval structure lined with lockers. “There are clean uniforms in the lockers, put the contaminated suits back in and we’ll put them in deep clean”

 

Karkat gaped up at the intercom “SO YOU JUST EXPECT US TO STRIP? RIGHT HERE RIGHT NOW?”

 

“Yeah dingus.” Jade leaned back in her office chair with a lumpy coffee mug labeled ‘BEST AUNT EVR’ she smirked and took a sip “that’s how changing clothes works.”

 

John shrugged and was already pulling down zippers “okie-dokie.”

 

Karkat stiffened, his ears twitching to the sound of John undoing his zippers. He whirled around to scream at the human “DO YOU HAVE NO FUCKING SHAME?”

 

John threw up his hands, already half-undressed and Karkat averted his eyes from the way the purple lights fell across John’s naked torso.

 

“Look it will be fine! You face that way, I’ll face this way. Easy-peasy!” John waved flippantly.

 

Karkat growled and hunched his shoulders defensively. John looked back at Karkat, the purple light reflecting in his eyes. His hair was messy from where he had taken off his helmet.

Never trust anyone who can look good with messy hair.

 

Karkat hissed. “If you look I will PERSONALLY make sure my grey ass will be the last thing you ever see.”

 

John laughed “You make that sound like a bad thing!”

 

Karkat growled and pointed at the opposite wall. “JUST FUCKING LOOK AWAY!”

 

John laughed and turned away, his hands splayed out in surrender. “I promise I won’t peek!”

 

“GOOD!” Karkat screamed back and turned away from John and started to undress, his claws hands fumbling with the zippers as if it was the first time in miserable life he had ever touched a zipper.

 

John hummed to himself and Karkat was excruciatingly aware of the sounds of zippers and shuffling fabric that came from John as he undressed.

 

“What are you hoping to find from the specimens?” Karkat asked to distract himself.

 

“To be honest…” the sound of John’s bare feet sounded on the floor as he crossed over to the locker and put his suit in the locker and retrieved a clean suit. “I’m not really sure...I just feel like sentient creatures are demanded a certain kind of respect. To know what happened to them and honor their deaths…”

 

Karkat looked over at John and immediately regretted it, the purple light bounced off the hard planes of muscles on his back, the bumps of his vertebrae soft in the light. Karkat whipped his head back.

 

Karkat dressed quickly. “Lets just hope Jake and Aradia know what the fuck they’re doing.”

  


 

Aradia and Jake carefully peeled away the packing foam from the figures, standing them up gently in the archeology lab.

 

“Well gents!” Jake addressed the line of skulls on the wall “We have a couple of new guests here so be on your best behavior!”

 

Aradia set down the finger she had pilfered from the planet on her desk. “It’s odd how you humans treat dead things...they can’t hear you, much less be on good behavior…”

 

Jake shrugged. “Just because something is dead now doesn’t mean you shouldn’t respect the person it once was. I imagine these early humans all had their thoughts, their desires, their little families in ancient worlds… Life is special and it doesn’t stop being special even when it’s dead.”

 

Aradia looked back on him curiously. “I’ve never thought of it like that, and it still sounds weird...but it’s probably because the empire never considered life special before Empress Feferi...It’s still a novel concept to us.”

 

Jake smiled sadly back at Aradia. “Would you mind delaying analysis of the specimens until tomorrow? I’ll confess that all this running about has got me plum tuckered out.”

 

Aradia smiled back at him brightly. “You know sometimes when you talk I have to make out what you’re saying based on context because of all the human “slang” you use.”

 

Jake shrugged at her and smiled ruefully. “That makes you and everyone else on the ship.”

 

Aradia giggled and she and Jake made their way out of the lab.

 

The lights were turned off, the door was locked.

 

The lab was quiet, the gentle grey light from the oxygen plant filtering through the windows.

 

A crack sounded through the room.

 

Then another.

 

And another.

 

A thick piece of white calcification fell from a figure and shattered on the floor.

 

A clawed hand flexed and the creature inside chittered lowly.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for not updating in fucking forever! I'll try to get the next chapter of Minnie and Crocodile dad up soon! Tell me what you think of John and Karkat's awkward flirting, Jake and Aradia's budding bromance-or more? and what the goddamn fuck is going on with this planet???
> 
> PLEASE COMMENT IF YOU ENJOYED I FUCKING LOVE COMMENTS!!! :3


	11. The wait

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> AH!!! THEY WAKE UP!

Jake headed to his office, lumpy coffee cup in hand that read “BEST UNKL EVER” and a bit of a skip in his step. He punched in the security code to the office door and hummed to himself. He was planning to put the specimens through an MRI machine like they used to do on Earth with the pharaohs of old. He wondered what these creatures used to eat there didn’t seem to be any crops they could see on the planet below when they scanned.

 

He fumbled a bit with the lightswitch. Maybe they were carnivores? The MRI will probably tell what kind of teeth they had and -

 

Just as Jake managed to turn on the light his boot slipped across something smooth and curved and Jake flailed and fell back onto the smooth white floor of the archaeology lab, his shoulder connecting painfully with the unforgiving surface.

 

Jake hissed through his teeth and sat up, rubbing the offending shoulder. He turned to inspect what in tarnation he had slipped on.

 

It was a smooth white curve of bone-white material. He held it thoughtfully in his hands.

 

Curious. Who on Earth left this in his lab?

 

Spread across the floor was more rubble like the kind he had slipped on, piles and piles of-

 

The specimens were gone.

 

Jake panicked at first thinking that they had shattered before he heard something like a glockenspiel being put through a blender. Two foot-less legs tapped into his view and suddenly there was a porcelain-white face in front of his, noseless and with huge mirror-like eyes.

 

The creature opened their mouth and more jangly strangled musical notes came out.

 

Jake screamed.

 

The alarm blared through the ship. John awoke with a start and flailed off the bed, falling onto the floor blankets and all like a tumbleweed before popping back up like a prairie dog, shaking off the blankets and hastily putting on a uniform.

 

Casey padded into his room as he was zipping up his uniform and putting in his com.

 

“Daddy?” She was dressed in her yellow-orange footie pajamas and had her rabbit by its ears and rubbed a tiny little hand across her bleary eyes.

 

John stooped down and kissed her on the forehead. “Daddy has to go take care of something. Stay here and don’t come out until someone gets you ok?”

 

And with that John engaged his com and started running down the hall.

 

Karkat stumbled out of his own quarters across from John’s, the troll’s fluffy hair was flattened on one side from sleep and he was still struggling with his uniform. “JOHN?” he screamed at the human when he saw him “WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?”

 

John continued to run down the hallway, Karkat following behind. “Distress call from the archaeology lab!”

 

Karkat hissed and bared his teeth. “BECAUSE OF COURSE!” Karkat screamed “WHEN WILL WE LEARN NOT TO BRING RANDOM SHIT ON THE SHIP?” Karkat waved his arms dramatically as he ran “BUT NOOO!!!” Karkat screamed as they ran through the twisting hallways, Security personnel advancing around them and converging on the lab “YOU ALL HAD TO BE DURR HURR I’M JOHN AND WE HAVE TO KNOW WHAT HAPPENED TO THEM BECAUSE HONOR AND-”

 

John ignored Karkat in favor of touching his com and calling Jake. “JAKE ARE YOU ALRIGHT?”

 

Jake screamed through the com “THE SPECIMENS ARE ALIVE!”

 

John’s eyes widened and he ran faster “JAKE! WHAT’S HAPPENING? ARE THEY SPITTING ACID? ARE YOU HURT? JAKE TALK TO ME!”

 

Jake screamed again and John and Karkat continued to run down the hall towards the science sector, scientists looked out of their labs at the captains and a sea of security personnel advancing, PCDs activated, they rounded the corner and-

 

“NO THEY’RE JUST REALLY, REALLY ANNOYING!” Jake screamed into his com as John, Karkat and the security personnel suddenly reached watched through the glass front of the Archaeology lab.

 

One of the creatures had Jake in their arms and was swaying him back and forth like a baby while making noises at him like an off-kilter hair dryer making love to the high keys on a twangy old piano while Jake protested vehemently. The other creature looked on and reached a long-fingered hand over the other creature’s shoulder to poke Jake’s nose in a curious manner and pet his hair as if he was a giant wriggly pink kitty. Jake sputtered and batted the hand away to which the creature only made more odd musical hairdryer noises and put their other hand on his face.

 

Scientists and security personnel crowded into the hallway, all ogling the bizarre scene.

 

John and Karkat shared a glance.

 

Aradia was grinning with her face up against the glass. “Look at that!” She turned towards Karkat and John. “Those dead things aren’t nearly as dead as we thought they were!”

 

Karkat stared at the scene in front of him, his eyebrows quirked up in confusion, his mouth slightly agape and his hair still flattened on one side from sleep. He rubbed his eyes and sighed like a mother that caught their child having pissed the bed for the sixth night in a row. “I can fucking see that Aradia.”

 

Aradia turned thoughtful. “I wonder if the finger I took from the planet is also alive now….Maybe it’s even wiggling!” She added hopefully.

 

John looked on as Jake wiggled futilely against the eight foot tall bug alien intent on cuddling him. “I suppose someone should go in and talk to them…”

 

Karkat cracked his knuckles and squared his shoulders. “Come on shit lick lets go fucking play diplomat.”

 

John entered the archeology lab slowly, his hands empty at his sides. “Hello.” He said evenly. “Would you mind putting him down?” Karkat entered in behind him and Aradia slipped in to go look for her pilfered alien finger.

 

The creatures looked up. The one not holding Jake walked over to the group, their foot-less legs tapping against the floor, their wings buzzing at their sides and their antennae flicking curiously. A long antenna flicked over John’s face and he tried his best not to sputter or flinch. The alien’s eyes were wide and reflective, the trio could see their reflections in its large glassy eyes, a pair of eyelids flicking sideways over the large lenses for a moment.

 

The creature opened their maw and they could see what looked like mandibles clicking together in a tongueless mouth.

 

A long grating sound like a mix between running nails over a chalkboard, a kazoo and a beatboxing flute came out of the creature’s mouth. They could only guess based on context that the alien posed a question to them.

 

“Fuck.” Karkat’s brows furrowed.

 

“I honestly don’t know what I expected.” John sighed.

 

The two bug-like aliens looked at each other and spoke in their odd grating musical language. One seemingly posing a question and the other answering in kind, flicking their antennae and buzzing their wings for emphasis.

 

Finally they seemed to reach a conclusion and one of the lanky creatures took a chunk of the calcification from the archaeology floor, they tested it in their long three-fingered hand gingerly and seemed to consider it for a moment. Suddenly they opened their mouth and their lower jaw split neatly in half along a nearly invisible seam, sharp barbed mandibles unfolded and the sharp appendages took the piece of calcification into their mouth. The mandibles snapped shut and a horrible grating grinding could be heard through the lab. Finally the creature leaned against the wall and with a loud splatter spewed ground calcification onto the wall, pieces of the white material glimmering like little mosaic tiles in the stucco-like consistency.

 

“So that's what their buildings are made of.” Aradia mused.

 

“Gosh darn it that is my wall you’re puking on!” Jake was irate in the other creature’s arms being hugged like a child’s teddy bear.

 

The creature took a claw to the glittering upchuck and started to draw. They drew one symbol after another, a circle with a line through it, a squiggle with three dots, a square with a dash in the center. The party watched as they carefully scripted about forty or so symbols into the quickly drying vomit. They then pointed to the first symbol and made a noise, then the second and made another noise, and so on and so on down the list.

 

“Hold on.” Jake put a hand to his chin and studied the symbols. The other alien rested their head on top of Jake’s. “I think they’re trying to teach us their language.”

 

The other alien looked expectedly at them and continued to repeat the noises that went with the symbols.

 

Jade tapped on the other side of the glass. “Hey guys!!” She yelled excitedly and waved “I think I can help!!”

 

John let her in and Jade bustled excitedly into the room, data tablet in hand.

 

“If they’re willing to point out what symbols mean what in their language I can combine that with the symbol samples Aradia and Jake took on the planet and hopefully the computer can hook their language to the ship’s universal translator!”

 

“Wait we have a universal translator?” John’s eyebrows shot up.

 

Jade gave him an unamused look. “Honestly John. Did you really think that it would be feasible to make all of Earth’s best scientists and technicians as well as the trolls all learn english?”

 

“But-” John’s eyebrows furrowed in confusion.

 

“Wait what?” Karkat started.

 

“Jade turned back to her tablet and clicked a couple of buttons. “Here I’ll show you! See this is what it is like with the translator disengaged...”

 

Karkat rolled his eyes. “Kertash kelok nekik balshda hadu ya.”

 

John turned to Karkat “WHAT THE FUCK?!”

 

Karkat’s eyes widened and he looked shocked. “BEKURI NA KANDIH EDDU!?? FA JAHN?? JAHN???”

 

One of the human scientists in the hall furrowed their eyebrows at the scene “aldhy kan sakhif ghurayb”

 

Another scientist gaped at the first and pointed before yelling “甚麼？! 我不能理解你了!"

 

Nurse Heidi put her hands to her mouth in confusion and yelped “Jag trodde ni alla pratade svenska!!!”

 

Jade tapped her screen again “See?”

 

John took Karkat’s shoulders and shook him “I THOUGHT YOU WERE SPEAKING ENGLISH!”

 

Karkat gripped John’s uniform “I THOUGHT YOU WERE FUCKING SPEAKING TROLL YOU INSUFFERABLE SHIT STAIN! WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK!!!”

 

Jade grinned “That’s because it works on a subconscious level! The computer analyzes speech and translates it across the ship network whenever we are on board or connected using the off-world suits! Everyone HEARS the language they are most familiar with, even though they are speaking thousands of different languages!”

 

John grimaced at his sister. “Jade please tell me you aren’t all microwaving our brains with this thing or creating mind control…”

 

“Ha!” Jade waved off John’s concern with a grin and a flick of her hand. “Nothing like that!” Jade suddenly paused and put a finger to her lips in thought. “Though I’ll have to see about the mind control.”

 

“JADE.”

 

The bug aliens looked down at the panicking humans and trolls and leaned away from them to speak quietly to themselves.

 

“So if we combine the characters and the sounds the aliens made here…” Jade took the archaeology lab footage, zooming in on the alien pointing at symbols and making a specific noise, along with snippets of the aliens talking amongst themselves and the symbol samples Aradia and Jake took on the planet and loaded them into the program. “We should get a rough translation…”

 

The program on Jade’s tablet beeped an affirmative and the awful grating and musical noises the bug aliens were making to each other distorted for a moment like getting a shitty signal through an old radio before being completely replaced with perfectly understandable speech.

 

“Honestly maybe we should just go? They all seem pretty angry at something, they are too intense! We should be waiting with the others for the great renewal...” The alien holding Jake said, petting Jake’s hair absently and looking up at the other creature.

 

“That is probably for the best, but you should really put that thing down before we leave.” The alien looked down at Jake like he might explode or take a bite out of the other alien’s arms. “You don’t know where it’s been…”

 

The other alien hugged Jake closer and ran their claws through his hair and made a sound like a tiny trilling flute with undertones of braking dishes “No! Nraxi is coming with us!”

 

“You already named it? Honestly Mral.”

 

“But he’s so soft and squishy Hraxl! Like a little Larvae! Look at this fluff! Look at this little face and tell me you would leave him behind!”

 

“He won’t get the shell Mral, honestly you have to think about-”

 

Jake raised a finger indignantly “I will have you know that I am NOT soft and squishy thank you very much ladies!”

 

“AH!” The first alien screamed and dropped Jake who tumbled unceremoniously to the floor. She immediately bent down to check on him a contrite look on her face “I’m sorry Nraxi! I didn’t know you could talk! You surprised me!”

 

“Hraxl!” The alien stood up from where they had been hunched over Jake “Your teaching must have worked!”

 

“Of course it worked!” Hraxl looked very smug and pleased with herself, preening slightly with their antennae flicking out.

 

“Actually.” Jade piped in “It is the computer that did most of the work.”

 

Hraxl looked down at Jade “Either way I am glad that you have now become acceptable!” They put their long hands together and smiled at Jade their wings fluttering “Rejoice!”

 

Jade rolled her eyes and shrugged.

 

“Hi tiny fuzzy squishy thingies!” The alien that had been hugging Jake addressed the group, their wings flared out in an eager way “I am Mral and this is my clutchmate Hraxl! And We are of the Kri people!”

 

John made the awkward introductions for the humans and trolls through Mral refused to call Jake by anything other than the name she had given him “Nraxi” which apparently meant “tiny-squish” in their language.

 

Jake sat on the floor contemplating his life.

 

Aradia sat next to Jake and grinned at him.

 

“What?” Jake asked tentatively.

 

Aradia put the previously petrified alien finger into Jake’s face “LOOK IT’S WIGGLING!” The finger was in fact, wiggling furiously.

 

Jake yelped and fell back. As Aradia held the wildly wiggling appendage and grinned.

 

The aliens asked for a tour of the ship, John relented and in the name of interplanetary diplomacy (much to Karkat’s chargin who just wanted them to leave already), the day was spent showing two lanky bug aliens the ship. Mral was enthralled by the greenhouse and wanted to touch everything while Hraxl refused to even enter the leafy space, looking distrustfully at the plants. Neither of the creatures seemed to have any concept of personal space and Mral would often pick up crewmembers at random to cuddle and rename (Roxy was renamed “Nraxi-kish” which apparently meant “tiny pink squish” and Equius was renamed “Ka-pashti” which means brick that is alive).

 

Hraxl took a more scientific approach, running their claws through a human scientist’s hair or taking a troll’s wrist to study their five-fingered hands or even at one point holding a Rustblood upside down to examine their feet, Karkat had to intervene when the Rustblood tried to throw a chair at the alien. John was extremely uncomfortable when she tapped a ceramic-hard and sharp finger against his teeth. They ended up having a long conversation on what touching humans and trolls find acceptable, which Hraxl listened intently to and told them was very interesting, but really didn’t seem to take to heart.

 

“Well now you know what it feels like” Karkat grumped to John while Jade showed the two aliens some sort of slightly-pulsating science thing, pride evident all over her face. Mral got shocked trying to touch it and made sad kazoo noises while Hraxl looked at her like she was in idiot.

 

“Humans are always off touching people and asking stupid questions and getting into things they shouldn’t be in” Karkat continued with a wave of his clawed hand “Call this mother-fucking Karma. See this is how it feels to be a troll on this ship with humans 24/7”

 

John considered Mral and Hraxl who were looming over a human crewmember, Mral petted the human’s braided hair while Hraxl looked intently into their mouth to study their teeth.

 

“....I’ll ask about a new round of sensitivity training as soon as they leave…”

 

Karkat huffed and smiled ruefully.

 

Aradia took the time to travel with the aliens and ask them about their culture because Jake vehemently refused to have anything to do with them. Aradia took notes as Mral cuddled her for a while (Aradia was given the name “Curraxi” which meant curly squish after Aradia’s curly horns).

 

At the end of the tour Hraxl put her fingers together and looked down at John. “Well this has been nice and all…”

 

Mral was currently rubbing her face against a hissing greenblood, their claws not even scratching against Mral’s thick exoskeleton. “You’re all to cute and little and squishy and soft!” The greenblood finally wriggled out of the alien’s grasp and ran down the hallway.

 

“Please stop cuddling the crew.” John asked of the giant bug woman. She smiled sheepishly and made a sort of buzzy kazoo mixed with a meow noise that John was beginning to learn was some sort of apology based on how many times Mral was asked not to do something and she would relent and make that noise.

 

Hraxl buzzed her wings irritably. “Like I said we appreciate your hospitality and all but we really should be going.”

 

John and Karkat shared a look. “I don’t know if you know this but-” John started.

 

“Your entire fucking planet is dead.” Karkat said bluntly.

 

Hraxl sighed “We know that.”

 

“But not all the way dead!” Mral piped in. “Just mostly dead!”

 

Hraxl nodded at Mral and turned to John and Karkat. “See dead and not dead isn’t a binary its a spectrum, you have dead, mostly dead, kinda dead-”

 

“Deadish! Kinda alive, mostly alive, a bit alive!” Mral piped in again.

 

“Which is why we wait.” Hraxl nodded.

 

“Wait for what?” John asked.

 

“For the planet to be alive again of course you tiny squishy!” Mral squished John’s cheeks together.

 

Hraxl shrugged. “Every once in awhile the planet will spew toxic gas into the atmosphere. Whenever the atmosphere becomes too unlivable we solidify, when it subsides we wake up, clean off our houses and continue.”

 

“It usually only takes a thousand or so years!” Mral chirped.

 

Karkat sneered disgusted. “So you just fucking IGNORE the problem until it goes away? Instead of I don’t know, DOING SOMETHING ABOUT IT?”

 

Hraxl looked down at the troll. “We are the kri. The kri always wait.”

 

“THAT’S THE STUPIDEST THING I’VE EVER FUCKING HEARD!” Karkat shrieked at the lanky bug.

 

“It’s worked so far!” Mral smiled and fluttered her wings.

 

John’s eyebrows were furrowed. “So you’ll just wait? Stone and dead to the world until it’s magically solved itself?”

 

Hraxl waved a clawed hand dismissively “These things tend to work themselves out.”

 

Jade’s eyebrows furrowed and she took up a scan of the planet. She zoomed in on the volcano away from the city that was indeed, spewing thousands of litres of gas into the air in thick obnoxious black clouds. “We could make a device that filters the air you breathe.” Jade mused “Or you could move the city to a new location on the planet. Or maybe plug up the volcano and trap the gas underground, or neutralize the gas!”

 

Mral looked down at Jade a pout on her face, a sad kazoo sound emanating from deep in her chest. “That sounds hard...and boring...and really hard…”

 

Hraxl waved the idea away and made a harsh grating click in irritation. “AGAIN. The Kri will wait. The gas will stop spewing eventually and then life can get back to normal.”

 

Jade frowned down at the scan on her screen. “...But what if it doesn’t ever stop…” she flipped through data on her screen and twisted a piece of hair and muttered to herself thinking. “According to this the volcano is probably going to get even get WORSE...what if the city is buried in burning ash or lava?”

 

“A new pompeii…” Aradia whispered.

 

“Nonsense.” Hraxl waved away the concern though Mral looked a little worried as if she had never really pondered the possibility before. “Our shells can withstand anything. The Kri will wait. And the Kri will survive.”

 

“But if everyone is waiting for it to get better, nothing will get done. It might never get better.” John tried to reason with Hraxl. “What if not everyone survives while you’re waiting? What if the gas doesn’t stop? What if it gets worse? Can your shells really withstand being buried in lava?”

 

“No…” Mral whispered “I don’t think they can…” Hraxl looked back to glare at her.

 

“We will wait.” Hraxl squared her shoulders and looked down at John “And that is FINAL. Take us back to our planet NOW.”

 

In the end Mral didn’t argue.

 

A pod was prepared for the two aliens and John and Karkat took them back to their planet. The thick grey smoke surrounded the pod and curled into wisps as the pod made its way back down to the surface. The tension in the pod was palpable, Hraxl didn’t even deign to look down at the human and the troll, squaring her thin shoulders and splaying out her wings as a barrier between herself and them. Mral looked sheepishly back at them, her long claws clacking together and quiet little sad kazoo noises coming out from her every once in awhile.

 

The pod landed down on the carved white street in the alien city. John and Karkat put on their helmets to prepare for the harsh atmosphere.

 

John paused where his hand was over the door opening button. “You can still-” he began but Hraxl fixed him with a sharp look.

 

“Open. The. Door.” Hraxl hissed and Mral stood behind her sheepishly.

 

John’s shoulders slumped and Karkat get between John and the aliens. “YOU.” Karkat pointed a finger at Hraxl “Are a stubborn idiot.” he then pointed at Mral. “And YOU are a coward!”

 

Hraxl hissed and leaned down to bear her sharp mandibles at Karkat “You can’t keep us here!”

 

“EVEN IF YOU’RE DESTROYING YOURSELVES BECAUSE YOU’RE TOO STUPID TO FIGHT FOR YOUR PLANET?”

 

John put a hand to Karkat’s shoulder and Karkat stilled. John looked back at him sadly.

 

“She’s right.” John whispered and Karkat looked back at him betrayed. “We have no right to keep them here, even if we think they’re wrong…”

 

Karkat fixed John with a sharp glare, his eyebrows furrowing and a growl tore from his throat. He shrugged off John’s hand “FINE.” Karkat yelled and turned back to the aliens “Have fun being buried in lava you stubborn lazy fucks.” Karkat slapped his hand against the door opening button and grey smog billowed into the pod.

 

Hraxl stood straight against the poisonous breeze. Mral coughed behind her and put a clawed hand to her mouth. Hraxl marched out of the pod and out onto the planet, Mral started to follow her.

 

Mral paused at the opening of the pod and gave Karkat one last sad look. Karkat stared back at her challengingly. Mral sighed and her antennae drooped. She followed Hraxl outside.

 

Hraxl made her way to a bench, she brushed off a layer of ash and sat down, folding her wings and her putting her hands together on her lap. Mral coughed and sputtered and staggered over to sit next to Hraxl.

 

“Hraxl.” Mral wheezed and Hraxl only raised her head higher to look out into the distance. “Hraxl the air hurts.”

 

“I know it does.” Hraxl murmured back consolingly.

 

Mral looked around at the figures frozen around them, the thick ash in the streets. She coughed in a painful sounding way “What if they’re right? What if it doesn’t end this time?”

 

“Don’t be stupid.” Hraxl murmured to her sister “Of course it will.”

 

Mral coughed and ran a hand over her mouth. “It hurts so bad.”

 

“I know.” Hraxl nodded and stared off into the distance. “Sit up straight. Look onto the horizon. Don’t fight the pain… don’t fight the transformation…”

 

Mral did as her sister suggested. She sat up straight on the bench and looked out onto the horizon. A thick white bubbly layer of something started to ooze out from the joints in their exoskeletons, coating their arms and legs and soaking through their clothes.

 

“Hraxl?” Mral murmured as her mouth foamed with the same bubbles.

 

“Yes Mral?” Hraxl asked, her legs already starting to solidify, white calcification building on her legsa and moving upwards.

 

“I love you.” Mral whispered before the liquid from her mouth solidified and she couldn’t talk any more.

 

“I love you too Mral.” Hraxl whispered back and with that the ooze on Hraxl solidified completely.

 

The ride back up to the ship was tense. John looked sadly back down at the planet and for once the loud and shouty Karkat was silent.

 

The pod landed in the hangar and Karkat slammed the open door button. He threw off his helmet which clattered onto the hangar bay doors and stalked away.

 

“Karkat!” John took off his own helmet and ran after him. “Karkat stop!” Karkat didn’t even look at John and just kept trudging down the hall.

 

John raised his arms in defeat. “What would you have me to then? Huh?” John called out to him.

 

Karkat finally turned back to John a low growl from the troll. He hissed and straightened to get in John’s face as much as possible. “JUST ABOUT ANYTHING OTHER THAN WHAT WE DID!”

 

“THEY DIDN’T WANT TO BE SAVED!” John’s mouth was screwed down, his shoulder slumped. Somewhere in Karkat’s mind he was reminded that John wasn’t the cruel sort, he knew why John did what he did and that it didn’t sit well with him either.

 

But Karkat was too angry to give him a pass.

 

“SO WE’RE JUST GOING TO LET A BUNCH OF STUPID IDIOTS DIE? BECAUSE THEY’RE TOO STUPID??”

 

Karkat poked a finger to John’s chest “WHERES ALL THIS ‘EVERY LIFE IS VALUABLE’ HUMAN BULLSHIT I’VE BEEN HEARING FROM YOU?”

 

Karkat hissed at John “When I saw you on that mother fucking planet on that fucking bench I thought I saw someone who wouldn’t let something like this happen. Not if they could do something about it!”

 

Angry tears bubbled up in John’s eyes as he yelled back “SO WHAT? WE KIDNAP AN ENTIRE SPECIES? FORCE THEM TO LIVE? HOW THE HELL DO YOU PROPOSE WE HELP AN ENTIRE PLANET THAT WON’T HELP THEMSELVES?”

 

Karkat pushed against John’s shoulders angrily, frustrated tears striping down his face “YOU’RE THE CAPTAIN! FIGURE IT OUT!”

 

John pushed back “YOU’RE ALSO A CAPTAIN!”

 

Karkat growled at him and grabbed onto John, his claws raking across the space suit and shredding the outer layer, exposed wires frayed and popped. John took Karkat’s wrist and held them away from him, Karkat struggled, more frustrated tears running down his cheeks.

 

“I don’t want them to die either.” John whispered and Karkat froze for a moment before sagging against John’s hold. John loosened his hold on Karkat’s wrists but not letting go entirely, just quietly holding him.

 

“I don’t want them to die either.” Karkat whispered. “Even if they are annoying, stupid, stubborn fucks…”

 

That got a tiny chuckle from John who smiled ruefully down at the troll.

 

Karkat knew that they were standing too close to each other, that John still held his wrists delicately, his thumb rubbing absentmindedly across Karkat’s pulse point. There were tear tracks across John’s face now, shining dully in the light. His eyes were lined with red and Karkat could feel John’s warmth from how close they were standing together.

 

John’s hair was messy.

 

Don’t ever trust someone who can look good with messy hair.

 

They were too close together but for once in his life Karkat really didn’t seem to mind, and he wasn’t going to examine why exactly that was.

 

John looked down at where he held Karkat’s wrist, deep in thought, his mouth turned in a rare frown. John’s eyes widened and he looked down at Karkat.

 

“What was it that Jade said about neutralizing the volcano?” John’s eyes slowly gained their sparkle back, a mischievousness coming back to his face and a small upturn of his lips.

 

Karkat could feel a small impish smirk to match John’s grow in his face. “We’re going to save those stupid assholes…”

 

John smiled widely, all power, kindness, self-assuredness, mischievousness and half-made heroic plans starting to form in his head. Karkat could feel a shiver run up his spine.

 

“Whether they like it or not.” John agreed and let go of Karkat’s wrists to run down the hallway, already calling Jade on his communicator.

 

Karkat rubbed his wrists, trying to will away the hot tingly feeling he felt there as well before he followed John down the hallway.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So after Jade disengaged the translator this is basically what the humans said:  
> In Arabic "That was fucking weird."  
> In Chinese "I can't understand what you're saying!"  
> In swedish "I thought you were all speaking swedish!"
> 
> What will Karkat and John do? Will the Kri be saved even though they're idiots? Will the city be saved from the volcano? When will Karkat realize how much gay he's caught for John?
> 
> Comment if you enjoyed! Tell me what you think! I always love getting comments and I will always try to answer any questions!


	12. The Starship Skaia Holiday special

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jade wants a Christmas tree and will go to insane lengths to get it. Karkat is cock-blocker supreme and battles the dreaded human festive sexual harassment plant. Rose teaches her daughter about festive Christmas demons. Jake apparently made an EXCELLENT online purchase. Little Seb does NOT want any more hats thank you very much. Casey is a cutie.

In the engineering lab on Starship Skaia robots were busy. Sawtooth booped and extended his arms and legs to place tinsel around a doorway. He hummed electronically and put his hands on his hips to admire his work. 

Behind him Squarewave was placing ironic Christmas decorations on the obnoxious orange plastic tree. Little glass Goofys, furbys, my little pony characters and one “Merry Christmas from Paula Deen y’all!” ornaments clinked together in the box he was carrying. It looked like Dirk and Dave had searched thirty or so thrift stores to find the stupidest, ugliest, most obnoxious ornaments for this tree. Which considering the brothers, is probably exactly what they did. Squarewave had been modified for the season with a big red bulb where his nose would have been, it flickered as the robot perused the atrocious ornaments. 

Little seb was wearing an elf hat that it seemed very displeased about. He shook his head wildly, the little bell on the end jingling, while pawing uselessly at the elastic.

Dirk Looked down at the little robot who was trying to get out of the hat like a cat that had gotten it’s head stuck in a bag.

“Really?” Dirk asked as the little robot flopped onto its back, the hat jingling wildly as it desperately tried to free itself from the holiday kitsch. “I made you to be the perfect reconnaissance robot and you can’t get out of a hat?” The robot continued to struggle, flailing his little arms and legs and beeping rudely.

Dirk finally took pity on the little bot and gently removed the hat. Little Seb beeped indignantly and stomped his little robotic paws before scampering off to avoid anything else festive that could be put on his person.

Dirk shrugged and gave one end of a piece of garland to the mini Felicia-bot who hummed happily and floated up to the ceiling where she deftly wove the garland between the metal beams.

Dirk hung a sign from one of the giant metal dicks he, Dave and Equius saved from the forge and hung on the walls, the sign read “Have yourself a merry little Dick-mas”. He wrapped the peen in a strand of multi-colored Christmas lights.

Dirk’s tablet chimed with an email from the Felicias.

From: Felica23@skaiashipmail.com To: RadicalDadical@skaiashipmail.com

[ Play this!](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XpxNNalLTB4)

Dirk clicked the link and the speakers in the shop came to life- “Jingle bell, Jingle bell, Jingle bell rock!-”

Dirk looked out into the hangar bay and the Felica drones all bobbed to the music and started to hum along, their booming electronic voices wordless following the melody.

Equius came back to the shop, Nepeta in tow. Equius was dressed in his usual attire, sipping a cup of what smelled like green tea while Nepeta was wearing a giant green sweater that went down to her knees with a cat in a Christmas hat that read “Check MEOWT!”. 

Dirk had gotten used to seeing Nepeta around, she was always bounding into the engineering lab during her breaks to give Equius a pastry or show him something cool she found or to just sneak up behind him and pounce when he wasn’t looking. Equius scolded her once for that because he had been using soldering equipment at the time and she could have gotten hurt but they always made up in the end.

Nepeta went to the tree and immediately started poking the ornaments. “OOOH!!” She squealed “What kind of beast carcass is this??” She petted the false orange tree. “Its FURZY! Is it some kind of giant caterpillar beast? Did you kill it yourself?”

The Paula Deen ornament fell to the ground and shattered “Merry Christmas YAAAAaaaaaaaa----llll” The ornament tried to call out but the voice box in the tiny ceramic Paula Deen malfunctioned before going offline. 

Equius picked Nepeta up and tucked her underneath his arm. “What did I tell you about poking things that are not yours?”

Nepeta sighed from where she was hanging under Equius’s massive arm. “....not to do it…”

Dirk shrugged and the mini-felicia drone produced a tiny dustpan and a tiny sweeper to clean up the Paula Deen-themed Christmas mess.

“Wait beast?” Dirk Mused as he watched the tiny fragmented southern cook be swept up “Oh yeah you guys have fifth perigee’s eve coming up soon…”

“Yup!” Nepeta wiggled out from Equius’s arm. “Ah Perigee’s eve…” Nepeta sighed. “The time of year where you kill a beast and decorate its corpse outside your house as a warning during the traditional culling season of yore THAT MEW ARE A SKILLED HUNTRESS AND MEW WILL MURDER ANY SUBJUGGULATORS THAT TRY TO COME FOR MEW!! FUCKING TRY ME BITCHES!!! I KILLED THIS GIANT MONSTER MEW ARE NOTHING!!! NOTHING!!!”

During this time Nepeta had clambered onto the workbench to scream at the ceiling, her little fists clenched. Equius gently picked her up off the table to set her back down on the floor. “No standing on the table.” He warned gently.

Once it seemed Nepeta was safe on the ground and not going to keep screaming Equius nodded “Indeed.” Equius seemed content with Nepeta’s assessment of the Holiday.” Others would also take giant hoofbeast droppings to decorate to “gross out” subjugglators rather than scare them away. It’s all about red or low-caste towns coming together in the spirit of the season to ward away cullers. Highbloods though tend to celebrate in a different way.”

Nepeta snorted and rolled her eyes at Equius. “FUR THE LAST TIME PRETENDING A HOLIDAY DOESN’T EXIST DOESN’T COUNT AS CELEPURRATING!”

Equius shrugged and tried his best to look innocent “Holiday? What Holiday? I am completely unconcerned and unaware of any such Holiday.”

“EQUIHISS!” Nepeta screamed and Equius only rested a large hand in between her horns. “Highbloods traditionally would make a show about being unconcerned about the culling season to show how impressive they are, how uncullable. Traditionally we pretend that the season caught us off guard or doesn’t exist. Its posturing that became a tradition.”

“Well it’s a stupid tradition.” Nepeta grumbled.

“Tradition?” Equius asked wide-eyed “What tradition? I am completely unaware of any significance regarding the specific time of year. Today is a completely normal and unremarkable day”

“AHH!!!” Nepeta screamed and head-butted Equius in the stomach. Equius chuckled and patted her back.

Dirk snorted at the pair, honestly they were better than reality TV. “To answer the question that was completely forgotten from before, No it’s not a beast carcass, it’s supposed to be a tree, a really fake one, but a tree.”

Nepeta scowled at it. “That’s stupid… How are you supposed to show your prowess by killing trees?”

“Nepeta don’t be rude.” Equius scowled down at her.

Dirk patted the tree. “The Christmas tree is supposed to be a reminder of life that lasts forever…”

Nepeta arched an eyebrow. “By cutting down a tree and slowly watching it wither and die?”

Dirk shrugged. “I never said the tradition made sense.”

“What doesn’t make sense?” Equius shrugged and looked around, doing a terrible impression of someone who didn’t know what was going on. “Today is a normal day with absolutely no significance whatsoever. I am unaware of any significant days or traditions as of the current time of year.”

“FOR FUCKS SAKE EQUIHISS!” 

 

John hummed and unwound Garland, wrapping it around the mantle of the fireplace in the captain’s quarters, the holographic CGI fire crackling joyfully.

Casey sighed and banged her head against the glass of the window, her little elf hat jingling somberly.

“What’s wrong pumpkin?” John went over to Casey and sat next to her. John’s Santa hat lit up with LEDs under the false white fur of the brim (another ironic gift from Dave).

Casey sighed again and smooshed her face up against the glass and pouted. “I’m sad because Santa can’t find us in SPES!!” She launched herself into her father’s arms and started to sob.

John caught his daughter and patted her back to calm her down. “Oh honey...Who told you that?”

Casey looked up at John, tears still in her eyes. “Aunty Jade.”

[one day ago]

“And so!” Jade held up a small model of Earth and a reindeer figurine pilfered from a decoration set “Given the population of Earth and the amount of households that celebrate Christmas, with approximately 2.5 children per household, even if Santa gained 31 hours by following the time zones of Earth, He would need to travel at speeds that would RIP THE FLESH off of a reindeer’s bones! That plus the aerodynamics of Reindeer wou-”

Casey burst into tears “AHHHHHHH!!!!”

[end flashback]

John scowled. “I think I’m going to have a talk with Aunty Jade about how much science is allowed in Christmas…”

Casey sniffed and John wiped some tears from her face. “Aunty Jade said Waindeer can’t breathe in spes.”

John rolled his eyes and bounced Casey up and down gently “Oh come on sweetpea...What does Jade know?”

“She has Five PHDs…” Casey sniffled.

“Besides that.” 

Casey didn’t look convinced so John picked her up and carried her over to the couch. “I promise that Santa can find you ok?” He kissed the top of Casey’s head and continued. “Santa can find you and you’ll have a great Christmas…”

John leaned down and retrieved a box from under the couch. “And just to be sure I arranged for someone to come visit us!” John took out an elf doll from the box and set it on the mantle.

“There!” John said triumphantly and Casey looked interested. “Now that we have one of Santa’s helpers visiting he’ll make sure Santa can find you!”

Casey giggled and looked out at the doll and John smiled and continued. “So be good because he’ll be keeping an eye out for Santa!”

“That plus the Krampus my dear.” The pair looked around and Rose stood there in the doorway, dressed in a lilac sweater with black demon stitched onto the front surrounded in hellfire her headband had a sprig of holly on the side.

“MOMMY!” Casey wiggled out of John’s arms and ran over to Rose. Rose took out a little black demon doll similar to the elf John had placed on the mantle. “The Krampus’s little hellion here will look after you and make sure you don’t get into trouble! Otherwise the Krampus will come and drag you down into the underworld!” Rose shook the little demon doll and the little scowling demon doll jingled.

“Rose why.” John hissed but Casey only laughed and reached for the doll! “KWAMPUS!”

Rose smiled and crossed over to put the Krampus hellion next to the Elf on the mantelpiece.

John sighed and rubbed a hand across his face as Casey Ran around Rose and chanted “KWAMPUS! KWAMPUS! KWAMPUS! YAY!!!”

 

John and Karkat were talking as they walked down the hallway, chatting about the upcoming holiday party.

“Really don’t see why we can’t have a beast carcass…” Karkat grumbled.

John waved a hand. “It’s pretty unsanitary ...Are you sure a plastic carcass won’t work?”

Karkat rolled his eyes. “It’s COMPLETELY unauthentic! A plastic beast carcass doesn’t have the smell of rotting flesh that reminds one of the holidays.”

John squinted back at Karkat. “Riiiiight…. But humans aren’t getting real trees either…” John sighed. “I mean there’s not exactly any pine trees in space…”

Karkat shrugged. “We could always go down to a planet for a beast and-”

John gave him a stern look. “We’re not risking interplanetary war for a holiday prop.”

“You have no holiday spirit John, I swear that-” Karkat stopped suddenly as something green started to drift down on a string in front of them. “FUCK A SPIDER!” Karkat growled and leapt slicing at the green thing which flopped down to the floor.

Karkat hissed at the green thing until he realized it was just a plant. He held it in his claws. “What the fuck?” It had odd paddle-shaped green leaves and white and red berries. He looked up from where the string was dangling from the walkway above them. Two female crew members yelped and quickly hid from view, pulling their string back with them.

John looked over Karkat’s shoulder at the green thing. “That’s not a spider...That’s mistletoe.”

A tiny woman with blondish-red hair rubbed her neck and laughed awkwardly from a doorway next to them. “Oh hi captain John…” She laughed nervously and put her fingertips together. “We definitely didn’t plan this, or lie in wait for you with mistletoe. What? That would be crazy! And really weird!”

“SHUT UP.” Came a hiss from the walkway above them.

“Karkat held the mistletoe out like it would bite him. “What the fuck is mistletoe?”

John smiled at Karkat. “It’s traditional that two people who find themselves under the mistletoe would kiss!”

The woman in front of them turned a brighter shade of red. “Not anything weird or anything. Just a fun way to get into the holiday spirit am I right? Not trying to do it on purpose or anything because they find their superior officer incredible attractive or anything. That would be weird. What?”

“KATRINA SHUT THE FUCK UP.” Came a very insistent hiss from the walkway above them.

Karkat growled and Katrina apparently her name shivered. “Humans have a designated sexual harassment plant?”

John rubbed his neck. “Well when you put it that way…”

Katrina turned a darker shade of red. “WHAT NO. JUST BECAUSE A HYPOTHETICAL PERSON FINDS THEIR HYPOTHETICAL SUPERIOR OFFICER ATTRACTIVE- I MEAN-”

Suddenly two women jumped down from the walkway above, grabbed Katrina and dragged her running down the hallway.

“Bye!” John smiled and waved. “Happy Holidays.”

Karkat looked incredulously up at John. “REALLY? YOU DIDN’T FIND ANY OF THAT SUSPICIOUS?”

John looked down innocently at Karkat. “What suspicious?”

Karkat growled. “JESUS- FINE! WHATEVER!”

John continued to talk and Karkat tore the mistletoe in his claws.

 

Jade sighed and lounged across her desk. The holidays just didn’t seem the same this year. She huffed and a paper blew off her desk. She missed having a REAL Christmas tree. 

A scientist popped into her office. “Um...Ma’m?”

Jade popped up, a couple of papers that were stuck to her face floating down. “YES? DID THE EXPERIMENT WORK?”

The scientist grimaced. “Well…”

Jade stormed out of her office. She passed experiment after experiment, experiment 104 looked the Christmas tree part but was an odd shade of chartreuse, the next experiment was shriveled and grey before it broke entirely, the next experiment emitted a constant high-pitched screech. Jade finally reached the last experiment which seemed to be melting into a little green Christmas-themed puddle.

“GAH!!!” Jade screamed and threw down her papers. “IT SHOULDN’T BE THIS HARD TO CLONE A FUCKING CHRISTMAS TREE!! WHY DON’T WE HAVE ONE FROM THE SEED REPOSITORY???”

“I’m sorry ma’m but the pinecone went missing!”

 

[7 months ago]

Kanaya was perusing the seed packets when her foot connected with something odd. She picked up the little pinecone and studied it seriously.

“I wonder what you are?” Kanaya mused. “Oh well it cannot be important.” She threw the pinecone out of the window and into the greenhouse below.

[end flashback]

Jade screamed and flopped down onto the floor dramatically. “I. Just. Want. a. Christmas. TREE!!!!”

Jake stepped out of his office and looked down at Jade who was being far too dramatic on the floor. “Honestly my dear little sister, you are being far too dramatic, at least we still have the Menorah…” 

Jade glared up at Jake from on the floor. “NOT the menorah we had as kids! YOU! Lost that when we were packing for this trip! Then you got that STUPID replacement Menorah off the internet!!”

Jake put his hands on his hips. “Alright first of all the first part was not my fault! Fedex is terrible! Also don’t disrespect the Menorah-saurus rex, he is a wonderful Menorah and doesn’t deserve to be disrespected.”

[ Menorah-saurus rex ](https://www.etsy.com/listing/214649340/menorasaurus-rex)

Jade glared at the very conspicuous golden T-rex Menorah Jake found on the internet whose candles were burning bright on the other side of the glass in Jake’s office. “Ok I’ll admit that it’s cool but I just want a piece of home!” Jade sighed.

Jake walked over and leaned down to pat Jade’s head. “I get it, you’re homesick… But this is the best we can do at the moment and family is more important anyways…you’ll just have to accept it!”

Jade popped up, a determined look on her face. “NO! I DON’T HAVE TO ACCEPT ANYTHING! NOT WHEN I HAVE SCIENCE!!!”

“Ma’m!” One of the scientists leaned out of an office and waved to get Jade’s attention. “You’ll want to see this!”

The current planet they were visiting was completely covered in water and since Karkat didn’t like water, and John wanted to spend more time with his daughter, neither had deigned to visit the planet and had instructed to be kept to date on things of great importance, but other than that left the matter to their subordinates.

Jade ducked into the office where a live feed of dive-teams investigating showed. Jade’s face lit up and she took the mic from the scientist who had been there previously and pushed him out of his chair. “YES! THAT! I WANT THAT COLLECTED IMMEDIATELY AND TAKEN TO THE SHIP!”

 

Karkat was in the ship’s cafeteria sampling some of the human Christmas cookies. They had a sign next to them with a little smiling cartoon troll with the words “Troll safe!” because apparently humans used all kinds of weird things in their foods that were poison to trolls and they had to learn to be safe about this kind of shit, when he noticed something…

It was the girl from before. The girl from the sexual harassment plant incident. She was standing in a doorway looking positively adorable in an over-sized white sweater, her blondish-red hair in a braid over her shoulder. She was fidgeting and looking expectantly around her, playing with the cuffs of her sweater.

Down the hallway Karkat could see John walking towards the cafeteria, coffee in his hands and perusing something on his holo-pad. Katrina brightened as she saw him and bounced on the heels of her feet before visibly calming herself.

John continued to walk forward and something green and bright started to lower from the ceiling and-

Karkat yowled like a cat and ran through the cafeteria.

“Oh hi Katrina!” John greeted her pleasantly and Katrina smiled warmly at him. “How are y-”

Karkat launched himself at John, John’s coffee flew out of his hands and John and Karkat were knocked several feet back, John’s back sliding down the slick white hallway, Karkat’s claws in his uniform. Katrina yelped, John’s glasses were knocked askew, the coffee cup shattered.

John stopped sliding slowly. Karkat was sitting on his chest and John looked bewilderedly up at him. He righted his glasses and paused before he spoke. “....Hi?....”

“Hi.” Karkat answered back.

“...”

“...”

“Is this a troll thing or a troll holiday thing or-”

Karkat looked shifty for a moment. “....yeah...a troll holiday thing….”

Karkat looked down at John.

John looked up at Karkat.

“…”

“...”

“I’m going to get off your chest now.” Karkat looked down at John.

“Yeah you do that.”

Karkat got off of John and brushed off his uniform. He stalked over to Katrina who was gaping at him, sliced down the mistletoe off the string above her before throwing it in her face. Katrina sputtered and Karkat walked away.

John dazedly got off the floor and was currently wondering what the fuck his life had become. Katrina clutched the mistletoe and huffed before throwing it on the ground angrily.

 

John was in his office going through some paperwork when Jade buzzed through on his communicator. “JOHN!” she yelled.

John jumped and almost dropped his coffee “FUCK JADE JESUS WHAT?”

Jade laughed. “Ok so you know how we couldn’t find a Christmas tree?” 

John looked suspiciously at his communicator. “Yeah?”

“Well come down to the science sector and check THIS BAD BOY OUT!” Jade laughed and hung up.

John looked over at his daughter who was lounging in one of the chairs in his office playing with the Krampus doll Rose had given her. “Her honey! I think Aunty Jade managed to finally clone a Christmas tree! Do you want to come with daddy to go see?”

Casey bounced up and down in her seat and waved the doll around. “YAY! CHRISTMAS TREE!”

Jade was pouring water into something that looked like a long low tidal pool when he and Casey arrived at the science sector. “Hey Jade what did you want to- OH MY GOD WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?”

Jade grinned triumphantly in front of something like looked like-but definitely wasn’t a christmas tree. The thing was very Christmas tree-shaped, Large and green with pointy “branches” that came down like a christmas tree, large fist-sized round things like ornaments nestled in the “branches” and long garland-like tendrils hanging down from the “branches”. It looked exactly like a Christmas tree except on closer inspection the boughs were rough, textured in an odd bubbly way over a hard exoskeleton, the “Ornaments” looked squishy and the “garland hung wetly like overcooked spaghetti noodles and seemed to twitch mildly.

“Based on my initial studies it can most closely be described as some sort of starfish! Which wouldn’t that be funny if we had a starfish for the top to-”

John took her shoulders. “You KIDNAPPED and alien for a Christmas prop?”

“PSHH” Jade waved away his concerns “Honestly John, it’s a Starfish-thingy! It doesn’t even have a proper brain!”

John turned to Casey. “Sweetpea wait outside while I talk to your aunty…”

Casey sighed and obediently went outside into the hallway.

Karkat had been walking down the hallway and stopped at the scene. Casey patiently waiting outside playing with her bunny and John and Jade arguing on the other side of the glass.

“Hey.” Karkat leaned down. “John-spawn. Do you know what’s going on?”

Casey huffed and played with the ears on her rabbit. “Daddy is made about the fishy.”

Karkat looked into the office and the giant hulking green sea-beast behind them. “What the fucking-” He looked down at Casey and patted the little girl between her pigtails. “Don’t worry John-spawn I’ll figure out what the fuck is going on.”

Karkat entered the office.

“IT. DOES. NOT. HAVE. A. BRAIN.” Jade yelled at John.

“IT’S STILL A GIANT ALIEN STARFISH YOU TOOK FROM A PLANET WITHOUT PROPER AUTHORITY!”

“CHRISTMAS IS MY AUTHORITY!”

“THAT DOESN’T MAKE SENSE!”

“IT’S A STARFISH IT’S NOT LIKE ITS GONNA-”

Just then one of the “Ornaments” on the tree shivered before a thin membrane slid to the side on the wet ball revealing a shiny black eye. All the ornaments slid open revealing similar eyes and a loud burbling growl came from the creature. Ten or so crab-like legs slid out from the bottom of the creature, lifting it out of the pool where a round crab-like maw was exposed, lined with needle-sharp teeth. The “Garland” lifted from the creature and streamed out in wavy undulating tentacles.

Jade grimaced. “Maybe it’s friendl-”

In a motion almost too fast to process the creature wrapped a tentacle around Jade’s waist and hoisted her up into the air. Jade yelped and struggled against the tentacle.

“JADE!” Karkat and John yelled in unison and engaged their PCDs, Karkat’s sickles glowing in his hands, John’s hammer large and foreboding, they scowled up at the creature.

“No Wait!” Jade held up her hands. “Maybe it’s some sort of alien greeting ritual or-”

Jade’s hair was whooshed back as the creature screeched and Jade was pulled in closer to the creature.

“Actually.” said a scientist on the other side of the glass. “We already determined it’s about as smart as a starfish. These vocalization patterns match best with hunger and-”

“SHUT UP GREG!” Jade screamed “YOU’RE NOT HELPING!” Greg dropped his tablet and went screaming down the hallway.

A tentacle shot out towards Karkat, attempting to pull him in. Karkat dodged the tentacle and with one slice of Karkat’s sickle the tentacle was ripped sliced from the creature’s body, the tentacle slapped down wetly onto the floor of the lab and the creature yowled in pain, odd chunky dark brown blood spewing in every which way.

“Wait is that hot chocolate?” Jade looked down at the dark brown blood and the white chunks that were now appearing in it. “It bleeds hot chocolate?”

“SHUT UP JADE!” John screamed as he dodged a swipe from one of the tinsel tentacles. “NONE OF THIS MAKES SENSE”

“ALSO CASEY HONEY COVER YOUR EYES.” John yelled to his daughter on the other side of the glass “DADDY HAS TO FIGHT A GIANT ALIEN MONSTER.”

Casey put her hands over her eyes obediently.

Karkat gave John a strange look.

“What?” John shrugged. “I don’t like her exposed to too much violence.”

The creature growled again and the tentacle tightened around Jade. “Guys!” She grunted as the tentacle tightened around her ribcage “A little help here?”

Karkat dodged another tentacle. “Help me get up there and I can slice her down.”

John nodded and dodged over a spikey crab leg that tried to impale him. “Got it! I’ll switch PCD forms!”

The hammer shivered and shifted before becoming a gauntlet that spread over John’s arm. Karkat ran at John and jumped, John caught him, his hands under Karkat’s feet before he pushed and threw Karkat up at the creature.

The creature screamed and thrashed his tinsel tentacles. Karkat swung his sickles through the air and severed tentacles dropped down spewing the odd hot chocolate-like blood. 

Karkat landed on the creature’s chitinous shell, using his sickles to gain purchase on the hard shell. Jade was nearby, her face red with the crushing pressure of the tentacle around her.

“KARKAT!” Jade gasped and the tentacle squeezed. “HURRY!”

Karkat nodded and leapt from his vantage point, he grabbed Jade around her middle and sliced the tentacles from around her middle. Jade took a deep breath and pieces of tentacle and Jade’s lab coat fell to the floor. Karkat took Jade in one arm, in his other hand his sickle dug into the shell of the creature.

The creature yowled angrily.

“JOHN NOW!” Karkat yelled down to John as Jade tried to remember how to breathe normally.

“Get out of there first! I don’t want to hurt you!” John yelled back and a crab leg shot out at john, the sharp appendage missing him narrowly.

“We’ll be ok! Take it the fuck down!” Karkat yelled back braced himself. He held onto his sickle as the creature shook, trying to knock him off.

John nodded back and his PCD shifted and crystallized, reforming again into his large hammer. He steeled himself and brought the hammer down hard on the joint of the first crab leg. The appendage popped apart, the creature screeching in pain and more chocolate-like blood spewing into the room.

The creature swayed unsteady and Karkat dug deeper into the shell. He tested Jade’s weight in his arm. “Are you ready?” Karkat asked.

“Ready for wh-” 

John swung and took out two more legs, popping out with a horrible cracking wet sound. The creature screamed and swayed. Before beginning to fall.

“KARKAT JADE GET OUT OF THERE!” John screamed as the creature groaned and began to fall.

Karkat pushed off the creature, Jade in his arms. The creature crashed down in a spray of lumpy brown blood. 

Karkat and Jade landed on Jade’s desk. Papers flying in every which direction as the creature slammed down to the floor. With a last cry the creature went limp, chunky blood seeping steadily onto the floor.

“Jade! Karkat!” John ran over to the pair and helped them off the desk. “Are you both alright?”

“Yeah…” Karkat huffed and ran a hand through his hair. John took Karkat’s face in his hands to inspect a cut on her forehead. “We’re both fine..”

“I’M NOT!” Jade yelled “You ruined my Christmas tree!”

John wanted to bang his head against the desk Jade was still sitting on. “THAT WASN’T A CHRISTMAS TREE THAT WAS A GIANT CARNIVOROUS ALIEN STARFISH!”

Jade leaned back “Well how ELSE are we supposed to celebrate the holidays?”

Jake tapped on the other side of the glass in the hallway. He motioned over to his own office where the T-rex shaped menorah still burned cheerily in the window. “Menorah-saurus Rex? Anyone?”

Jade took off her shoe and threw it Jake. It bounced against the glass harmlessly with a loud slap. “SHUT UP ABOUT THE STUPID T-REX MENORAH!”

Jake looked down at Casey and Casey took his hand consolingly.

“Don’t worry unkw Jake.” Casey told him sincerely. “I like the t-rex menowa.”

Jade’s shoulders hunched and she hugged herself around her middle. “We’ve been in this stupid flying box for months and I-”

“Just wanted a piece of home…” John continued for her.

Jade put her face in her hands and leaned towards John who caught her obligingly in his arms. Jade wept and John patted her consolingly on the back. “I know… I miss Earth too… all the family we left behind… Dad and Grandma and Grandpa…”

Jade sobbed in John’s arms.

“You still have us…” John whispered consolingly. “We’re all here... Jane and Dave and Rose and Dirk and-”

“And me Aunty Jade!” Casey yelled on the other side of the glass. “You have me aunty Jade!”

“And menorah-saurus rex!” Jake said triumphantly.

“Shut up Jake.” Jade and John said in unison and both were startled into giggles by how in sync they were in that moment.

“Just because things can’t be picture-perfect… even if things aren’t how we all remember them as a kid…” John pet Jade’s hair. “It doesn’t mean that it can’t be good...not as you remembered it...but good…”

John gave her a stern look. “So no more giant alien Christmas tree monsters.”

Jade burst out into laughs and John held her close.

“You know…” Karkat looked thoughtfully at the giant dead creature. “I think this counts as a beast carcass for Fifth perigee’s eve…

 

Later trolls would gather in Jade’s office and decorate the carcass, Red and Brown and Green bloods cheering merrily as Karkat led them in wrapping tinsel around the hulking monstrosity while a group of ceruleans, cobalts, indigoes and Violet-bloods gathered outside and pretended that they had just stumbled onto the ceremony and did not in fact, follow everyone else here for the express purpose of the carcass decorating ceremony. Most of the highbloods were competing with each other to see who didn’t know what was going on the most.

“I was just going to the cafeteria what are YOU all doing here?”

“I’m not even sure I’ve been to a carcass-decorating ceremony before.”

“Oh really?” Asked Equius who was currently winning “I’ve never HEARD of a carcass-decorating ceremony do enlighten me.”

Later Jake, Jade, John and Jane would light the next candle on the menorah-saurus rex next to Dirk’s awful orange Christmas tree, the Paula Deen ornament shoddily taped back together. Rose was laughing into her second mug of eggnog and arching an eyebrow at something Dirk said. Casey played with the Krampus and Elf dolls and ate too many Christmas cookies and opened her presents from Santa who managed to find her despite Jade’s science.

John and Karkat attended the ship-wide holiday party. There were streamers and a holographic tree, a plastic fifth perigee's eve carcass, a Kwanza kinara and a menorah (Jake was disappointed that this one WASN’T dinosaur shaped) and even the crewmates who didn’t have a holiday this time of year gathered around for the food and the good atmosphere. Stephanie arranged a white elephant gift exchange and trolls and humans alike were laughing at the silly gifts they received.

And once again there was a group of Highbloods who were pretending their best that they just stumbled onto the party and had no idea what was going on.

In between mouthfuls of Christmas cookies Karkat spied Katrina looking suspicious in front of the punch bowl. She looked around expectantly, her hair loose in long tresses down her back across a white sweater patterned with little silver snowflakes. When John wandered over close to the punchbowl she brightened up and waved him over. And once again…

A.

Fucking.

Sexual harassment plant.

Drifted down on a string from the balcony above.

Karkat threw down his Christmas cookies and sprang into action. John the everloving dope that he was continued to walk over to Katrina a friendly smile on his face unknowing of the green sexual harassment aid drifting ever closer to the pair. 

Karkat launched himself over the fondue table, knocking over the cheese and covering several crewmembers in sticky orange goo.

He somersaulted over the kosher foods table, potato latkes and hamantaschen flying everywhere.

“Hi captain John!” Katrina greeted “Are you enjoying the holiday party?”

“Yeah I am thank you for aski-” John started to reply before he got a face full of troll that had jumped over the snack table they were standing in front of to push John out of the malicious mistletoe’s path.

“JOHN LOOK OUT-” Karkat screamed as he crashed into John.

John was knocked off balance with Karkat in his arms before falling forward. A tray of cookies fell off the snack table and onto the pair. Katrina yelped and stepped back. 

John groaned and lifted himself off the floor, on his hands and knees he righted his glasses and looked down at Karkat who he had fallen on top of.

“Sorry Karkat...Are you ok?”

Karkat hissed quietly at the pain blooming in his shoulders from falling hard onto the floor. Christmas cookies surrounded him on the floor. “Yeah I’m ok fuckface I just-”

John was above him, looking down at Karkat with his too-bright blue eyes, haloed by the overhead lights in the common room hosting the Holiday party.

Karkat paused suddenly struck looking up at John.

John snapped his fingers in front of Karkat’s face “Hello? Did you hit your head? Shit did you get brain damage?”

And the moment was gone.

Karkat batted John’s hands away. “Yeah I’m fine turd eater just help me up.”

John helped Karkat up. Karkat braced himself on John’s forearms and Karkat leaned up to brush sugar cookie dust off of John’s shoulders.

A hush fell over the party and Karkat looked suspiciously at the crewmembers. “What the fuck are you lazy shits looking at?”

“OOOOOOOOOOH!!!” Came an ominous low cry from the humans, like a fifth grade classroom when a student did something wrong and was about to be punished. The trolls looked around confused.

Roxy popped up from the crowd, martini in hand with a little candy cane on the lip of the glass. “JOHN AND KARKAT FRIGGIN LOOK ABOVE YOU!”

John and Karkat looked up and-

Hanging innocently there was the mistletoe.

“KISS! KISS! KISS! KISS!” Came a chant from some of the humans in the room.

John laughed and shrugged, looking nervously at Karkat.

Karkat’s ears and cheeks turned red with embarrassment. John laughed. “Well if it’s what the people want…”

“WHAT?” Karkat screamed indignantly his face turning a darker red.

“Just a quick peck and it will be done!” John laughed and leaned down, shit-eating grin on his face. “It’s tradition!”

“FUCK YOU AND FUCK YOUR FESTIVE HOLIDAY SEXUAL HARASSMENT!” Karkat put his hands on John’s face and pushed him away. John went back laughing.

“I MEAN IT’S A FUCKING PLANT! WHY DO HUMANS OBEY THE FUCKING SEXUAL HARASSMENT PLANT? WHY IS IT THA-”

John leaned down and gave Karkat a chaste peck on the cheek and Karkat stopping in his tracks, finger still raised and mouth still open frozen mid-lecture.

“See?” John stood straight and grinned down at Karkat. “That wasn’t so bad was it?”

Karkat tried to speak but only a high-pitched squeak came out of his mouth.

The crew members cheered and clapped before quickly getting bored and turning back to their conversations.

“Also!” John Produced a box he had dropped in the kerfuffle. “I know that Trolls are weird about gift-giving but I hope you can forgive it just this once!”

Karkat numbly took the package, wrapped horribly with glittery silver and blue paper. Karkat ripped open the box and took out a large grey sweater. He tested the fabric between his fingers and it was pleasantly soft.

“Sorry it’s a little too big!” John laughed. “I never was very good at judging that sort of thing! I just remembered you complaining before that you had accidentally left your favorite sweater back on Alternia!”

“...no….um…” Karkat couldn’t quite look John in the eyes. “It’s lovely thank you…”

John grinned down at Karkat pleased. “I’m glad!” He turned to leave. “I have to go check on Casey! Have a nice night!”

Karkat stood in the middle of the holiday party with several ruined snack tables, a brand new sweater and a seething Katrina off to the side.

“What the fuck…” Karkat whispered “WAS THAT??”

 

Kanaya was picking a bunch of holly and poinsettias for the holiday party from the ship’s oxygen when she saw the little thing. She certainly didn’t recognize it, she never remembered planting such a thing, or even what such a thing would be.

Jade was coming back from the Holiday party, her horribly ugly holiday sweater drooping and covered with glitter. Jade seemed slightly tipsy from eggnog but determined to check on something in her office.

“Excuse me Jade?” Kanaya stopped her in the science sector hallway.

“Hmm?” Jade combed back her hair with a hand, her sweater shedding glitter with the movement. “What is it?”

“I found something and I will need your help in identifying it.” Kanaya informed the human.

“Then by all means!” Jade chirped “Lead the way!”

Kaya led Jade through the Oxygen factory, past the little pond and through the bushes. “I was tending the poinsettias when I found it and-” Kanaya continued but Jade wasn’t listening anymore.

It was a tiny little thing, only about as tall as Jade’s shin but it was definitely, unmistakably a-

“CHRISTMAS TREE!” Jade yelled and pumped her fists excitedly before kneeling down by the tiny pine.

“Hi…” she whispered to the tiny little baby tree. “You’re a long way from Earth aren’t you?”

Jade giggled and leaned down, her hair around her and the tree. “But that’s ok…” she whispered to the tiny plant, it’s little bristles turned and some would even think it looked like it was listening. 

She untied a red ribbon from her sweater and tied a bow onto the top of the tree. “Because little Christmas tree… you’re going to be with us this whole way...and we’re going to have a lot of Christmases together…”

Jade got up and dusted off her pants with an air of finality and went back to her office. Kanaya followed her out.

And the little tree stayed there, little red bow on their top. The first Christmas tree on the Starship Skaia.


	13. Let's save these goddamn idiots

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hell yeah. Let's save these stupid bug assholes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're saving some bug people yo.

John, Karkat and Jade were in Jade’s office in the science sector. Jade had a holographic map of the volcano near the Kri city. The pale light of the holograph made sickly shadows across their faces.

“Ok in order to save those idiots…” Jade zoomed into the holograph with a flick of her hand “We’ll have to stop the volcano from spewing out toxic gas….”

The holograph of the volcano showed a large caldera near the top of the volcano, a large open pocket right above the active part of the volcano where lava churned ominously.

“See the pressure in the lava pit is building..” Jade motioned towards the active part of the volcano. “The pressure from the active part pushes more and more toxic gas out of the geysers.”

Jade did a couple of quick calculations on her tablet. “The pressure has been building for thousands and thousands of years. It could blow at any fucking moment. Their entire society has been built on a ticking time bomb.”

Jade studied the volcano closely. “The Kri society probably evolved around this volcano, evolving to endure the long spells where the volcano would release gas.”

Karkat growled and flicked his hand angrily at the holographic volcano. “For fucks sake these shit-eaters get worse the more I learn about them. Over all those millions of years not ONE of them thought of I dunno, GOING SOMEPLACE ELSE? BUT NO! THOSE STUPID FUCKS STAY THERE LONG ENOUGH TO EVOLVE TO WITHSTAND THE GAS.”

Jade shrugged.

John studied the caldera above the active lava. “So how are we doing this Jade?”

Jade ran a hand along the caldera, pointing at an odd cavern. “We’ll implode this cavern here. This will release the pressure on the active part of the volcano.”

Karkat raised an eyebrow. “And the toxic gas?”

Jade leaned on Karkat’s shoulder and grinned smugly at him “SO GLAD YOU ASKED!”

Jade whirled around, took a briefcase from her desk and put the metal box in Karkat’s clawed hands. “You’ll explode the cavern with THIS!” Jade patted the container.

Jade smiled widely and pushed a few buttons on her data tablet, a bright green dot showing in the middle of the caldera. “See you’ll take the device here.” The green dot representing the bomb exploded and the cavern caved in. 

“When it activates it will collapse the caldera and release a powerful neutralizing agent that will bind the toxins to the liquid lava and prevent its escape into the atmosphere.” a bright blue seeped from the green dot in the hologram and spread through the volcano.

John studied the simulation for a moment. “So it’s like….a giant tums…”

Jade fixed John with a harsh glare. “Excuse me John it is a LOT more advanced than a giant tums!”

John shrugged. “I dunno it looks it works an awful lot like a giant tums.”

Jade rolled her eyes. “Just shut up and put it in the volcano.”

John saluted her “Will do!”

 

Later John and Karkat stood in the hangar with a group of mission support volunteers. Nepeta, Tavros, and Eridan were among them. Churro and Ruth were off to the side.

“Alright.” Karkat addressed the group, already dressed in his off-world suit. “Our mission is to save those stupid assholes whether they like it or not.”

“YEAAAAAAHHHH!” Nepeta pumped her little fist “A FUR REAL RESC-MEW!”

John activated a small holographic pod. The pod floated to the center of the group and displayed a map of the volcano. “We’re going to the upper cavern here. Once there we’ll activate the giant tums and-”

“IT’S NOT A GIANT TUMS!” Jade screamed in the background.

“-We’ll activate the totally-not-a-giant-tums..” John continued “collapse the cavern, trap the lava inside the volcano and neutralize the gas.”

“Any questions?” Karkat asked the group.

Tavros meekly raised his hand.

“Good” Karkat continued without actually taking questions. “We’ll be off then.”

Tavros lowered his hand.

The totally-not-a-giant-tums bomb was loaded onto a shuttle. The volunteers prepared for the on-planet mission, zipping up their atmosphere suits with an air of purpose. 

Nepeta adjusted tightened the bracers on her atmospheric suit, engaging her PCD experimentally, glowing claws appearing on her knuckles in a blaze of white light. “Okie-dokie!” She grinned at the glowing blades “Ready fur anything!”

“So wwhy are wwe savving the idiots?” Eridan asked as he threaded the horn-protectors onto his horns.

“Ummm…” Tavros shrugged. “It’s the right thing to do? I guess?”

“Wwhatever.” Eridan rolled his eyes and gave his own PCD a test, a glowing harpoon gun forming in his arms. “Let’s just get this fucking over wwith.”

Ruth tugged her helmet over her short shaggy blonde hair. “Alright assholes we’re on our way to neutralize an alien volcano.” she engaged the shuttle, flipping a couple of switches and taking the controls. "So hold on to your goddamn butts"

“Alright.” Karkat looked through the window a purposeful look in his eyes. “Let’s go save some morons.”

The hangar doors slid open and Ruth piloted the pod out and into space. They descended down to the planet below, inky black clouds swirling across the windows of the pod. The targeting system on the pod blinking rapidly as they made their way down to the dead planet. 

The white towers of the city came into view like jagged pieces of broken bone piercing through the dark clouds. The pod shuddered. Ruth pressed on past the city, past the thousands of figures in the streets below them , solemnly looking out towards the volcano.

They came to the volcano, tall and statuesque over the city, small spires of bone white jutting up from the dark rock. Dark plumes of poisonous gas spewing out from the volcano in eerie looking swirls. 

The pod unfurled it’s spider-like legs and landed on the side of the volcano. The spider-like legs digging into the rock. The crew put on their helmets, hissing as they pressurized. The door opened and dark smoke billowed into the pod.

John braced himself against the poisonous wind. He looked up at the top of the volcano above them. “Jade talk to me.” He said into his com.

Jade followed the expedition in her office, pale lights flickering onto her cheeks from the holographic map of the volcano. She zoomed into the holographic map and focuses on John’s location. “Just a bit above you there should be an entrance to the upper cavern. Set the bomb and get the heck out of there.”

“Rodger.”

Jade giggled “Actually my name is Jade!”

John huffed and smiled into his com “Dork.”

The team made their way up the volcano, dark obsidian rocks sliding under their feet. Little white spires like those in the city were dotted along the side of the mountain, some of them towered above the group, others only reached their shins.

“Wwhat the fuck are these?” Eridan murmured and prodded a small spire with his harpoon gun.

“Don’t know. Don’t care.” Karkat trudged past Eridan. “The sooner we can save these asshole’s lives the sooner we can leave this shithole and forget they ever existed.”

The explorers made it to the mouth of the cave. The inside of the cave was painted with the same white substance the Kri made their buildings out of.

Nepeta frowned and ran a hand along an intricately carved wall. “I don’t get it…” Nepeta frowned at the carvings and followed a couple of smooth curving designs with a finger. “What are all these fur?”

Churro who had been carrying the bomb crossed over to the center of the room and set the briefcase down onto the hard craggy floor of the cave. John went over to the briefcase and punched in a code on the side panel. Twin displays in both alternian and human numbers came on screen. 

Nepeta crossed over to the far side of the room, following a string of symbols across the wall where hundreds of strings of carved symbols congregated, swirling together to form a round oblong shape.

Nepeta blinked at the shape. She ran her gloved hand over the edge of the oblong. With a hiss of depressurization Nepeta felt the oval shape pop out slightly from the wall before the section gave way completely and Nepeta tumbled through the newly opened door.

Tavros saw Nepeta tumble through the hole and jumped. “ OH MY GOD NEPETA!”

Tavros’s yelling alerted the others and the humans and trolls stood and looked as Tavros jogged over to the hole. He peered into the open section. “Nepeta??” He looked into the space intently and slightly panicked, shining his flashlight every which way. “Nepeta are you ok?”

“OH MY GOSH EFURRY BODY!” Nepeta bounced up on the other side of the door suddenly and Tavros fell back astonished, clutching his chest. “MEW GUYS GOTTA SEE THIS!”

Nepeta disappeared again and John shrugged, putting a boot into the hole. “Ok.”

Karkat grabbed John’s uniform and John paused where he had been climbing into the ominous hole. “SO NOW WE’RE JUST CLIMBING INTO HOLES NOW?? JUST TO SEE SOME STUPID THING NEPETA FOUND??”

John shrugged and flipped a pair of finger guns at Karkat with a grin. “Yup! Seeya!” and with that John jumped down backwards into the hole.

One by one everyone else jumped into the hole leaving Karkat flabbergasted. “FUCKING FINE! YOU ALL ARE GOING TO BE EATEN BY ALIEN MONSTERS I HOPE YOU KNOW THAT!”

Karkat yelped as a hand pulled him into the hole.

The drop was only a few feet down onto rough ground covered in spikey stalagmites. The rock was the same inky and ashy black as the rest of the volcano. Dark carvings and cracks covered the rocks from what little Karkat could see from the weak glow of Tavros’s flashlight which was quickly joined by John’s and Churro’s. Karkat engaged his own flashlight, looking suspiciously at his surroundings as the others began to speak.

John leaned down towards Nepeta. “Ok what did you see?”

“Up there!” Nepeta pointed towards the ceiling. “THOSE THINGS!”

Tavros shone his light up and squinted. “I uh...I don’t see anything...are you sure?”

Nepeta put her hands on her hips “I KNOW what I SAW Tavros!” 

John took a beacon from his belt and activated it, the little crystalline diamond shining with blue energy, he released it and it began to float to the top of the cave, pulsing a stronger blue every couple of seconds.

Karkat’s eyes widened as the beacon illuminated the space. “WHAT THE FUCKING SHIT ARE THOSE?”

Hundreds of white spheres clung to the cave walls and stalactites that hung from the ceiling, carpeting the ceiling in white bubbles.

“Huh wwell…” Eridan shrugged and grimaced in a poor attempt at a poker face. “I’m sure those aren’t wwhat I think they are! Those DEFINITELY are not that! Wweird cave shit is wwhat that is! Let’s forget wwe ever saw them and go bloww this place to kingdom come!”

“Word.” Churro agreed, looking as if he wanted to bolt out of the cavern.

John crossed over to the cave wall, he climbed halfway onto a stalagmite to pluck an orb from the cave wall. He brought the thing over to the group and took out his scanner. A ray of blue light from the scanner raked over the little orb before the machine cheerfully beeped.

On the display the inside of the orb confirmed the group’s fears.

“EGGS???” Karkat screamed and ripped a stalagmite from the ground, he threw it to the ground angrily where it shattered. “THOSE FUCKING IDIOTS BUILT THEIR BROODING CAVERN ON THE TOP OF A FUCKING VOLCANO???”

John bonked his helmet against the petrified egg and sighed.

“Well…” Jade mused on the other side of the com line, a dead tired look in her eyes as she rubbed her forehead. “Now we know why none of the Kri moved away from the goddamn volcano.”

“I MEAN REALLY!” Karkat screamed into the cavern, his angry cries echoing throughout the chamber. “A FUCKING VOLCANO!!!”

Eridan sighed where he sat cross-legged on the cave floor next to Tavros and Nepeta. “Wwell at this point they kinda deservve to be blowwn up.”

Tavros rubbed the back of his neck guiltily and looked up at the egg-covered walls exasperated. “Uh usually I would disagree with you...about things that should die..and stuff...but even I have to admit these aliens are fucking stupid…”

Nepeta shrugged and sighed. “Yuuup.”

Karkat bonked his head against a tall stalagmite as Jade continued over the com line.

“They probably evolved using this volcano as a heat source for their eggs…” Jade tapped her lips “I mean they are cold-blooded aliens and eggs need heat to grow properly…”

John rubbed his brow. “But they are advanced enough to create alternate SAFER sources of heat right?” John fell from a sitting position onto his back in the cavern, looking up at all of the eggs on the ceiling.

Jade shrugged exasperated. “I dunno John. As humans maybe we shouldn’t be so quick to judge.”

John squinted at his com and motioned up towards the ceiling of the cave. “Name ONE antiquated system humans still use that is beyond its usefulness but we still use because we’re too FUCKING lazy to change it!”

Jade arched her eyebrow. “...the electoral college?”

John raised a finger and was about to retort but he stopped himself. “...touché…”

“I say…” Churro help up his hands “We just forget we ever saw them and just...blow the shit up…”

John gave him a flat look.

“WHAT?” Churro shrugged “ONCE THE BUG ALIENS ARE SAVED THEY CAN FUCK MORE AND MAKE NEW EGGS”

John sighed. “No. We’re saving all of the Kri and that’s final.”

The trolls groaned.

The ground shook beneath them. Nepeta fell over with a yelp.

“JADE!” John touched his com “Talk to me what was tha-”

Red lights flashed in Jade’s office as well as a large yellow danger sign “WHATEVER THE FUCK YOU GUYS ARE GOING TO DO, DO IT NOW! THE VOLCANO IS WAKING UP!”

Black stalactites shook above them, the obsidian clinking ominosly. As the volcano shook dark chunks of rock broke and rained down on the explorers.

“GET THEM TO THE SHIP!” John screamed. He engaged his PCD planes of light obediently swirling together to become is war hammer. He jumped onto a stalagmite, his boots barely connecting before he bounced off, swinging his war hammer at the base of a low-hanging stalactite covered in alien eggs, connecting with a shock wave and cracking the rock. The entire structure began to fall from the wall in a shriek of grinding stone. John leapt again and caught the stalactite like a giant corn on the cob. He landed on the floor of the cave and immediately began running towards the mouth of the cave.

“RUTH!!” Karkat screamed into com. He engaged his own PCD, glowing light forming into the shape of his sickles.

Inside the pod on the base of the volcano Ruth jumped where she had been watching anime on a monitor. She quickly sat at attention and answered the com. “YES SIR?”

“BRING THE POD TO THE MOUTH OF THE CAVE! FUCKING HURRY!”

Ruth looked out of the pod window at the volcano that was shaking erratically, bits of rock and smoke coming from the top of the volcano. “Jesus christ what the fuck did you morons EVEN DO?”

Ruth took control of the pod. She took the controls. “WELL SHIT LET’S SAVE YOUR SORRY ASSES.” The pod whizzed up the side of the mountain, scraping noisily against the sharp rocks as Ruth piloted the pod as close as she could to the volcano. Rocks ejected from the top of the volcano smashed into the pod’s outer plating. Ruth checked the holographic map of the volcano for the locations of the other crew members, she shrugged and decided to risk it. Ruth slammed the pod into the mouth of the cave, destroying the original entrance in order to get closer to the crew.

The separation between the two caverns crumbled and the crew fell back astonished.

Ruth opened the door of the pod. “WELL? COME ON!”

John threw the stalactite of eggs into the pod. Ruth shrieked as it scraped against the metal. “GET THEM INTO THE POD!”

Nepeta scrambled up a stalagmite and jumped. She engaged her PCD mid-air, light around her hands forming into claws. She slashed at the base of another stalactite. She clambered onto the egg-covered rock as it broke, riding bracing against it like a surfboard as it fell.

Tavros caught both her and stalactite. Nepeta scrambled onto his shoulders and Tavros hoisted the stalactite like he would his lance and threw the rock with pinpoint accuracy into the pod entrance.

Karkat sliced at stalactites with his sickles, jumping from stalactite to stalagmite. John below him caught the egg-covered rocks and threw them into the pod. Ruth screamed as another giant rock covered in eggs scraped against the metal of the pod. “FOR FUCKS SAKE!”

Churro punched the cave wall and the shockwave sent eggs that had been laid on the wall tumbling to the cave floor. Churro began to gather them in his arms. He ran over to the pod and dumped an arm-load onto the pod floor.

“WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU EVEN DOING?” Ruth yelled. “WHAT EVEN ARE THESE THINGS?”

Eridan helped Churro gather eggs, using his cape as a sack and hauling them back to the pod.

The ground shook and groaned, pebbles jumping up off the floor as the volcano roared beneath them. Warning signs flashed red on the monitors inside of the pod.

“Is that all of them?” Churro and Eridan each brought another arm and cape load into the pod. Nepeta and Tavros brought one final stalactite “I think that’s efurry one!” Nepeta jumped into the pod and Eridan, Churro and Tavros followed her.

“JOHN COME ON!” Karkat screamed as he ran to the pod.

The bomb scraped against the floor of the cavern, John heard it and darted over to the metal case.

“WHERE THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU’RE GOING?” Karkat screamed as more rocks cracked and fell from the ceiling.

“We have to activate the neutralizing bomb!” John yelled back. Karkat groaned.

Karkat turned to Ruth “GET THEM THE FUCK OUT OF HERE! I’M GOING AFTER THAT DUMBASS. PICK US UP IF YOU CAN.”

Ruth nodded severely. “Roger that.”

“KARKITTY!” Nepeta shrieked as Karkat jumped out of the pod.

Karkat ran over to John as a stalactite fell from the ceiling. Karkat and John yelped as the stalactite a couple yards away from them, breaking through the cavern floor. Large cracks formed in the ground around them as Lava from the caldera below them splashed up from the hole in the cavern.

Karkat, John and the bomb fell as the ground crumbled part-way, depositing them into a shallow shelf of rock. Lava glowed orange around them.

“ACTIVATE THE THING AND LET’S GET OUT OF HERE!” Karkat screamed and switched PCD forms. The light forming his sickle dissipated before widening and lengthening until it formed a shield bubble around Karkat and John. Lava splashed and hissed, hitting the bubble.

John opened the metal case. “OH FOR FUCK’S SAKE.”

Karkat tried to look behind him at John but another splash of lava drew his attention. “WHAT IS IT? WHAT’S WRONG!”

John looked at the giant chalky-looking white tablet inside the briefcase, wires from a device attached to the top of the case leading down into the dog-sized white tablet. “THIS SO IS A GIANT TUMS”

Karkat braced against another splash of lava against the shield “SHUT UP SHIT FOR BRAINS AND ACTIVATE THE FUCKER ALREADY!”

John pressed his palm to the device and it whirred to life. The computer accepted John’s handprint and immediately on the device’s display panel numbers in both human and Alternian began to count down from 2 minutes.

“We have two minutes!” John announced. He engaged his PCD, the planes of light forming to become a war hammer, styled like a geologist’s hammer there was a blunt side and a sharp side. John slammed the sharp tip of the hammer into the rock around them as the shelf they had been standing on began to slide off into the lava.

“WATCH IT ASSHOLE!” Karkat complained as he was roughly slung over John’s shoulder like a sack of potatoes.

“WELL SORRY FOR SAVING OUR LIVES!” John yelled back as he began to scale the rocks, slamming his hammer into the rock wall and pulling them up.

“YOU’RE THE REASON OUR LIVES ARE IN DANGER IN THE FIRST PLACE!” Karkat screamed back, lava splashing against the shield Karkat’s PCD generated.

John carried Karkat fireman-style as he ran out of the cavern that was quickly crumbling and falling into the bright hot lava below. John dodged falling rocks, lava was bubbling up from the cracks of the ground, so hot they could feel it through their heavy atmospheric suits.

“FUCKING FUCKING SHIT WHERE ARE THEY?” Ruth yelled as rocks fell onto the pod’s outer shell.

“They’re dead...Oh my god they’re dead!” Tavros hugged his knees, brown tears running down his face.

“WWAIT I SEE THEM!” Eridan peered through the pod’s window. The occupants of the pod cheered as they saw John run towards the pod.

“YES!” Ruth pumped her fist “FUCK YEAH!”

The pod’s occupants watched as John ran past the pod.

“WHAT DOES THAT STUPID FUCK THINK HE’S DOING?” Ruth screamed as the lava bubbled closer.

“WHAT THE FUCK JOHN?” Karkat screamed, watching the pod go by as John ran by “WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING? THE POD IS RIGHT THERE!!”

John stooped down and picked the last two eggs that had been missed. He unzipped the outer layer of his atmospheric suit and nestled them inside. With the eggs secured John ran back to the pod. He dumped Karkat on the floor of the pod. Karkat laid awkwardly on the rolling eggs and looked up at John.

“You are one stupid son of a bitch.” Karkat glared at John and whispered.

Tavros stared at the two round eggs John had stuffed in his atmospheric suit. He leaned over to Nepeta. “....why does the captain have boobs now?”

Ruth grabbed the controls and floored it. “WE CAN TALK ABOUT THE CAPTAIN’S BOOBS LATER WE STILL HAVE TO ESCAPE THIS STUPID FUCKING VOLCANO!”

Ruth floored it. She strained as she piloted the pod out of the cavern. They could hear lava splash as another stalactite fell into the lava that was quickly overtaking the cavern floor. The pod shook as another stalactite hit the side of the pod, punching through the outer plating and ripping off one of the pod’s bug-like legs.

Lava creeped up around the rock the bomb was left on, heat sizzling and the metal case melting slightly. The counter reached zero.

There was a slight pause and-

The bomb exploded. Sending shockwaves through the cavern. The air hissed as the chemical from the bomb reacted to the toxic gas, fizzling and sparking, turning the air green and then blue and then clear in quick succession.

The pod launched out of the cavern rocks scraping against the hull as the pod was knocked off course, spinning out of control the eggs and the occupants of the pod were spun, eggs flying in every which direction. Tavros got hit in the face with a petrified egg, Nepeta screamed, Eridan cried, Karkat cursed every even THINKING about going on the fucking Starship Skaia and Churro threw up on the inside of his helmet.

The pod crashed into the center of the Kri city, knocking a couple of petrified figures to the side as they skidded through the park like a stone on a lake.

The pod came to a slow dragging halt.

The occupants groaned. The pod crashed sideways and so Tavros, Nepeta and Eridan were hanging from their seats. Churro was clawing at his head, vomit on the inside of his helmet obscuring his vision.

“Ow…” John propped himself on his elbows where he had fallen on his chest, the eggs still secure in his atmospheric suit. “Well that hurt…” He unzipped his suit to inspect the eggs. 

“I know right?” Nepeta undid her safety belt and rubbed her head, still queasy from the rough ride. “Landing on your boobs freaking sucks.”

Karkat reached into John’s suit, grabbed the eggs and threw them on the floor. “WHEN YOU GO TO SLEEP TONIGHT I AM STUFFIN THOSE DOWN YOUR FUCKING THROAT.”

John removed the eggs from his suit and opened the pod door. Sunlight streaming through the beaten up pod.

The dark plumes of poison gas began to subside. The white light drifted through the fungus-like trees, bouncing against the calcification almost cheerily. 

As they air slowly turned clear a rumbling crack could be heard through the city. Calcified figures shivered and began to crack. Chunks of calcification crumbled down from the figures. Kri stretched and yawned, murmuring as the city began to awake.

“Excuse me?” John addressed a Kri person that had just awoken, slipping their legless feet out of a thick block of calcification. They turned to look at the bedraggled human.

“Oh hello small squishy thing” The alien clapped their three-fingered hands and looked down at John. “Are you here to celebrate the awakening? Today is a glorious day.”

“No we need to talk to one of your leaders.” John tried to address the taller creature. More Kri that had just woken up began to congregate around John looking at him curiously.

“What is this about?” The Kri asked with their head tilted, their mirror eyes wide.

“WHAT THIS IS ABOUT-” Karkat screamed “IS THAT WE JUST SAVED YOUR FUCKING LIVES YOU INGRATEFUL BUG ASSHOLES!”

A Kri behind the first Kri John had spoken to raised a clawed finger. “Pics or it didn’t happen.”

Ruth grabbed a still petrified egg from the pod and threw it at the Kri that had spoken. It hit them in the face with a loud crunch and the Kri dropped to the ground. “FUCK YOU!”

The Kri now noticed the pod full of eggs. Churro stumbled outside of the pod, vomit still on the inside of his helmet, he ran into the side of the pod and fell down.

“What are these doing here?” A Kri fluttered over to the pile of eggs that were quickly decalcifying. “Where did you get these eggs?”

“From the brooding cavern on the top of the volcano.” John told them.

A tall Kri made his way through the crowd. They wore a long trailing white robe and a stupidly opulent hat. They held a long carved staff in their clawed hands. “What is all of this?”

John turned to look at them. “Are you in charge here?”

“Of course!” another Kri piped up from the crowd. “Leaders are always chosen by who has the biggest hat!”

“I hate this planet and all of you so goddamn much.” Karkat growled.

“Sir, or ma’m or-.” John began “The volcano was erupting. It was about to destroy your city-”

A gasp went through the crowd along with worried whispers. The leader with the stupid hat raised a hand slightly and they died down. “Continue…” they urged.

John nodded. “It did destroy your brooding caverns. We saved the eggs. We were able to neutralize the poison gas for now but you HAVE to move the city.”

Nervous flutters and murmurs went through the crowd. Kri looked at each other, making nervous kazoo noises at each other.

The leader raised their hand and a hush fell over the crowd.

“My friends…” The Kri leader began. “You know what this means….”

The crowd was silent say for the spare flutter of wings.

“ONCE AGAIN THE KRI HAVE PREVAILED!” The leader shouted “BY DOING ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!”

A cheer went through the crowd. Kri hugged each other and whooped with Joy, clapping and smiling brightly.

John stood there flabbergasted.

“WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN NOTHING???” Karkat screamed at the leader. “WE SAVED YOUR ENTIRE PLANET! YOU’RE ONLY ALIVE BECAUSE OF US YOU SHIT!”

“Yes!” the leader leaned down and put a finger to Karkat’s nose. “YOU did all of the hard work! YOU were the ones who got into danger! WE DID NOTHING! THE KRI HAVE ONCE AGAIN PREVAILED BY DOING NOTHING!”

The crowd cheered again and Karkat stared at them before sharply turning on his heel and trudging away.

“Karkat where are you going?” John yelled as Karkat stomped away.

“BACK TO THE VOLCANO.” Karkat growled. “I’M GOING TO UNDO WHAT WE JUST DID AND KILL ALL OF THEM.”

“Karkat no!”

“No it didn’t work!” a voice called out from the crowd. 

The crowd suddenly became silent. They moved away to reveal the nay-sayer. Mral stood there nervously, her antennae drooping solemnly, Hraxl tugged her hand. “Mral no!”

“No!” Mral tugged her hand out of her sister's hand “No I’m not going to be quiet! I’m sick of being quiet!”

Mral swallowed and the crowd parted, staring disbelievingly as she walked over to the leader.

“This isn’t working.” Mral looked up and them. “It never worked to begin with!”

She looked over at Karkat nervously and Karkat nodded. “We almost lost everything! If it wasn’t for these aliens we would have been killed! It doesn’t matter that it didn’t happen! It could have! It WOULD have if it wasn’t for them!”

The leader laughed, the thousands of decorations on their obscenely large hat clinking and twinkling in the light. “And what right do you have?” They motioned towards her “YOU who are practically a JUVENILE! You whose antennae BARELY reach your shoulders? To question ME?”

Mral balled up her fists. “I HAPPEN TO LIVE HERE YOU POMPOUS SHIT!”

Karkat nodded. “Hell yeah.”

Mral continued. “The system isn’t working! And as much as I would rather be at home looking at memes it’s time we did something about it!”

Mral kicked the leader in the shin. The leader yelped in pain and fell to their knees. Mral swiped the hat from their head. She swallowed and donned the overly-elaborate monstrosity.

“NOO!!!” the Leader yelled dramatically but didn’t reach for the hat because that would be doing something. “MY HAT!!! MY BEAUTIFUL HAT!!”

She looked out at the crowd, a steely look in her eye. “We’re moving. Now.”

She squared her shoulders and fanned her wings out proudly. “THE KRI WILL NEVER WAIT EVER AGAIN!”

The Kri were obviously distraught at the idea of doing something, but the hat had spoken and they all obediently went to their dwellings to pack. Kri nibbled at the city towers, slowly dismantling the city to move somewhere else.

Mral went over to the ragged group of trolls and humans. “Thank you.” She bowed and the hat twinkled.

“That was fur-eaking pawsome!” Nepeta gave Mral a fist-bump and Mral giggled.

John smiled at her. “I hope you do better than the last guy.”

Mral looked back at the former leader who was curled up on the sidewalk and sobbing gently. “Yeah...my people won’t like doing things but…” She looked at the pile of eggs. She reached down and picked up and egg. The egg began to hatch and a little face peered out at Mral. The little Kri Larvae slithered up from the egg, long and worm-like they wrapped themself around Mral’s arm and chirped up at her.

Eridan grimaced. “That is ficking disgistin’...”

Mral smiled at them. “We can’t fail the next generation. They don’t deserve to inherit this mess… So if I have to do something out of my comfort zone...then I guess I’ll have to do something out of my comfort zone...”

 

Since the pod they came in was now wrecked John radioed in to the Starship Skaia for another ship. Mral waved goodbye as they loaded up onto the ship, drifting up into space as the city shrunk below them.

In the decontamination chamber on the ship John smiled as he undid the zippers on his atmospheric suit, purple light shining down on the pair and killing the microbes on their skin. “Well you know in the end…” John stripped off the top part of his suit, bruises and scratches showing as he went. “I’m glad they learned that you have to face your problems!”

Karkat listened on the other side of the decontamination chamber, watching the way John’s muscles moved under the purple light. John smiled brightly at Karkat, half-naked as he leaned down to take off his boots.

“Face your problems huh?” Karkat turned away to face the wall and tried his best not to listen to the sound of John unzipping the pants on his uniform.

“Well yeah!” John stretched in the decontamination chamber, nude under the purple lights.

Karkat’s ears flicked down. “...oh for fucks sake…” Karkat ran a clawed hand down his face.

“Hmm?” John looked over at Karkat who hadn’t started undressing yet. “What was that?”

“Actually you know what?” Karkat squared his shoulders. “Maybe the Kri were right.”

John grimaced and looked at Karkat doubtfully. “What the hell are you-”

Karkat put his hands to his hips. “Because I am going to ignore THE FUCK out of this particular problem.”

“What are you even talking ab-” John began but before he could continue Karkat rammed his boot into the entrance of the decontamination chamber, he wedged the door open, warning lights blaring inside the chamber.

“Warning. Warning.” The computer chimed. “Decontamination chamber cycle not complete.

“Wait!!” John yelled after Karkat who was quickly trudging down the hall. “What problem were you talking about?”

John crossed into the hallway still completely nude. A scientist quickly put their clipboard up to cover their eyes.

“Karkat come back!!!” John yelled “What problem???”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> alright! Tell me what you think! Sorry that this took so long to update! School has been kicking my ass. Comment if you enjoyed or comment if you didn't enjoy to yell at me.


	14. Vignettes 2: The sequel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just a short little vignette chapter! Hopefully good for a giggle

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Howdy y'all! Sorry I haven't updated in forever! I hope you enjoy this new chapter of everyone dicking around in space.

Story 1: Are you an astronaut? Because your ass is out of this world

 

The Starship Skaia glided through space, a cheery white and silver tear drop against the endless vastness of space. Galaxies and nebulae and ancient cosmic gasses floated past like bright watercolor drops on an inky black canvas.

 

Casey and a gaggle of other kids, all children of Starship Skaia crewmen and women, followed their teacher Emily as they walked down long observation deck halls. Swirls of green and blue and pink whirled past the windows in never-ending cosmic clouds. Children pressed their little hands and faces against the glass, giggling and gasping with awe.

 

“Now kids…” Emily motioned out the window “does anyone know what interstellar clouds are made of?”

 

One little boy raised his hand “ SPACE FARTS!” the rest of the kids laughed.

 

Emily sighed “no Jeremy they aren’t farts.”

 

Casey chewed on a piece of her hair and raised her hand.

 

Emily smiled and nodded at Casey. “Yes honey? What do you think they’re made of?”

 

“Aunty Jade said they are little bits of dust an’ gas from the big bang that didn’t bunch up into a planet yet.”

 

“So space farts.” Jeremy whispered, arms crossed, obviously annoyed.

 

“Very good Casey!” Emily smiled at her. “We are traveling through clouds of gas and dust that likely haven’t been disturbed since the beginning of creation itself! Before the big bang there was was nothing until an infinitesimally compact particle exploded and released every atom that makes up the stars and this ship and even you and me! Atoms collided with each other to form molecules and matter sometimes became compacted until they became big enough to sustain gravitational pull and became planets!”

 

Suddenly, having seemingly materialized during Emily’s speech, Eridan Ampora was leaning against the balcony railing, flashing Emily a shit-eating grin. “Hey girl…” Eridan wiggled his face frills at her. “Are you a black hole? Because your gravvitational pull is irresistible~.”

 

Emily’s mouth was pressed into a hard line. “God dammit.” she whispered.

 

Eridan winked and made a gun with his fingers. “Mind if my comet enters your solar system baby?”

 

Emily hissed and pointed angrily at Eridan. “I WAS IN THE MIDDLE OF A TALKING ABOUT THE BIG BANG SO-”

 

Eridan wiggled his eyebrows. “I’ll teach YOU something about the Big Bang!”

 

“GAH!” Emily threw up her hands exasperated. “ HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO TEACH KIDS ABOUT BINARY STAR SYSTEMS WITH YOU LURKING AROUND MAKING PASSES?”

 

“Yo girl.” Eridan put a hand over his heart in an imitation of sincerity “You and I could be a binary star system, but you playin’.”

 

“WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN??!” Emily screamed and tugged on her hair as the gaggle of kids laughed. “HOW ARE ANY OF THESE KIDS GOING TO WANT TO BE ASTRONAUTS WHEN THEY GROW UP IF YOU KEEP-”

 

Eridan flicked back his hair, the purple streak curling fetchingly. “Yo girl I’m an astronaut, and my next mission is to explore ura-”

 

Emily angrily slapped a hand over his mouth, her face was completely red with both embarrassment and rage. “YOU FIEND THERE ARE CHILDREN HERE!”

 

Eridan licked her palm with an ostentatious wink and Emily pulled her hand back with a surprised “GAH!”

 

Eridan looked like he was going to continue but then a child tugged on Eridan’s cape. The little tot fisted the material of his cape “Are you a wizard?” they looked up at him gap-toothed and wide-eyed.

 

Eridan pulled his cape back from their grubby little hands. “NO I AIN’T A WWIZARD.”

 

Unfortunately the motion of whipping his cape back brought into the clutches of another child who had been standing behind Eridan. She immediately squealed with delight and wrapped the cape around herself. The image of her laughing little face pressed through the fabric.

 

Eridan tried to tug the cape from the child. “What? No stop that you little-” Eridan leaned low to try and wedge his cape away from the child and accidentally brought himself face-to-face with another child.

 

The first child was a little freckled boy who was currently picking his nose. “Are you sure you’re not a wizard?”

 

Eridan’s frills flipped down in frustration and he groaned. “Noww kid I ain’t a wwizard. Also if youww keep pickin’ your nose like that you’ll reach brain matter evventually.”

 

The kid gaped at him and removed the finger.

 

Eridan didn’t have too much time to gloat though before the child in his cloak turned farther, rolling onto the floor in a giggling heap of human child and cape, Eridan choked momentarily before tugging back on his cape.

 

The child tumbled out from the purple fabric in a heap of giggling curly-headed slightly-sticky limbs.

 

Eridan growled at the little sticky face-print now on his cape. “God dammit this is silk!”

 

Casey hugged his leg. “Ariel!” She giggled.

 

Erdain grimaced and lifted his leg to try and shake her off. Instead of succeeding in prying Casey off his leg another little girl squealed and took hold of his other leg.

 

“WWHAT? NO!” Eridan growled, his fins flicking down in annoyance.

 

He stomped down the hallway, the girls giggling where they were firmly attached to his legs. Another kid sat on the edge of his cape and squealed with delight, being tugged down the hallway with each trudging step.

 

Emily laughed.

  
  
  


Story 2: Artistic integrity

 

Equius tied his long hair back into a ponytail and rooted through his quarters for his sketchbook and a writing utensil.

 

It had been a slow time recently on the Starship Skaia as they were drifting through the void of space, the next planet was an estimated three day journey and so with little to do the crewmembers were enjoying some well-deserved rest.

 

During the initial planning stages for the Starship Skaia certain things were implemented to keep the crewmembers sane and tensions low during what was most likely going to be at least a five year trip. Pathways were lit with organic-looking light that stimulated a human’s Vitamin D production and kept them healthy, troll’s and human’s work schedules were staggered based on the day cycles of their respective planets, the plants in the oxygen factory gave the ship a fresh organic smell. 

 

There was a “psychologist” that apparently is a human that helps other humans sort out their emotions (wouldn’t that just be a pale prostitute?) that was employed and saw patients regularly. Equius saw her once talking to Dirk outside of the Engineering station and her pale piercing lilac eyes set in such an otherwise human face made an unpleasant shiver go up his spine.

 

There were also activities organized by the orientation guide and “Crew enrichment manager” Stephanie and her small army of overly-cheerful cohorts. “Board game nights” happened every Wednesday, “Yoga” was every Thursday at 5-7pm, Fridays were “supervised happy hour” days and now apparently there was an activity devoted to the creation of fine art.

 

Equius looked at the advertisement that had popped onto his holopad a couple of days ago, a finely sketched human lounged across the top of the page, rippling intricately shaded muscle, bare say for a tasteful draping of cloth.

 

“Do you want to learn how to draw like a fine artist?” Read the poster. “Beginning drawing classes now every Monday evening at 5 in starboard side activity room 47.”

 

Equius stuffed a handful of study steel mechanical pencils and his sketchbook into a small napsack and checked the time on his holopad. It was currently 4:45, perfect.

 

When Equius arrived at Starboard room 47, humans were already milling about in the pale milky white room. Easels were already arranged in a circle around a smooth raised dias, lights on the ceiling circled the raised platform and gave Equius the distinct impression that something was to be displayed there.

 

He seemed to be the only Troll attending and so he made polite stilted conversation with some of the more refined-seeming humans who assured him that this was an excellent learning experience for any individual interested in fine art.

 

Equius chose an easel and the class began with a teaching assistant showing the class the different utensils, graphite sticks, pencils, pressed charcoal, ink washes, conte, Equius kept accidentally crushing the soft charcoal sticks into fine powder, his hands already covered in inky black dust.

 

The teacher finally emerged, they were a thin human with pale blue eyes and a serene expression.

 

“Hello students.” They clasped their arms together, their voice a high, saccharin and overly relaxed.   “Namaste. Today we’ll be working with live models so please give them the utmost respect.”

 

Equius could hear a pair of bare feet pad into the room. He turned to look and-

 

Gamzee stood next to the teacher in a purple bathrobe, a dopey smile stretched across his lips. The claws on his bare feet clicking against the tiled floor.

 

“Today we have an excellent opportunity to explore Troll anatomy.” The teacher clapped his hands together and gave the class a serene smile.

 

Gamzee gave the class a dopey wave, flashing a sharp-toothed smile. “Sup motherfuckers.”

 

“Oh dear.” Equius whispered, beads of sweat broke out on his forehead and he accidentally snapped a pencil he had been holding in half.

 

“Alrightie then.” The teacher clapped their hands together and gave the class a serene smile. “We’ll be starting with quick 30 second poses. Just sketch the movement and feeling of the pose, where the weight and energy is.”

 

The teacher turned back to Gamzee who had until this point been drunkenly staring at panel on the ceiling. “Also thank you again Gamzee for agreeing to this.”

 

Gamzee’s ears flicked up and he looked down to the teacher. “Yeah motherfucker no worries. I’m all up and fine getting my nude on for this artistic shit.”

 

And with that Equius watched with gob-smacked horror as Gamzee padded over to the raised dais, clambered on-

 

and dropped the robe.

 

The briefs Gamzee was wearing were tight, patterned with little yellow smiley faces, and were totally inadequate to cover the gangly highblood as he stood unaffected and mostly nude on a platform.

 

“HIGHBLOOD NO.” Equius hissed. He his his face in a hand, mortified at the display. Hi ears flicked down and he could feel his face slowly turning blue with second-hand embarrassment.

 

The teacher stood serenely off the the side. “Now Gamzee, 30 second poses, get creative!”

 

Gamzee shrugged and put his palms on the ground.

 

Equius groaned embarrassed as Gamzee’s smiley-face covered ass was incidentally put in his face. Why is this happening? WHY IN THE NAME OF THE EMPIRE IS THIS HAPPENING DOES HE HAVE NO SHAME?

 

Gamzee transitioned to a handstand, his wirey muscles holding his lean frame neatly off the ground. The humans oohed and ahhed and a furry of scribbling pencils could be heard through the room as each human hurried to sketch.

 

“GAMZEE.” Equius hissed to get the highblood’s attention, stooping down when the teacher wasn’t looking. “WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU’RE DOING?”

 

Gamzee looked back at Equius through his arms, his face flushed purple from the position. “....doin’ a handstand?”

 

“NO!” Equius hissed at the other troll, not quite able to fully look at the mostly nude subjugglator. “WHO MADE YOU DO THIS? THIS IS ENTIRELY IMPROPER! IT IS LEWD IT IS-”

 

“I don’t hear pencils over there~” The teacher sing-songed and wiggled their fingers at Equius. Equius grimaced and grabbed a pencil, forcing it to the paper but still not able to quite look at Gamzee.

 

Gamzee shifted so that he balanced on one arm. A new round of “oohs” and “ahhs” came from the human artists along with the sudden shuffle of everyone in the room flipping the page on their sketch pads.

 

Gamzee shrugged, which looked odd upside down but managed to convey his nonchalance nonetheless. “I dunno bro, I was up and talkin’ with the art bros here, Like to get my painting on myself yanno? And he’s all like- lookin’ for a troll model cuz’ he feels the representation of bodies these artist folks are up and getting is species-biased an-”

 

Equius bonked his head against his easel. “That doesn’t mean that you-”

 

Gamzee twisted his body and splayed out his legs in a perfect “T”. Equius ducked behind his easel to keep from looking as the rest of the class turned another page on their sketchpads and kept scribbling.

 

The teacher clasped their hands together for a moment before wiping a tear from their cheek. “Poetry in motion” they whispered.

 

Equius looked like he was read to spontaneously combust. He pressed his face to his sketchpad and tried to will the blue from his cheeks.

 

“Also.” Gamzee swiveled and keeping his hands on the floor, arched his spine and leaned back so that he was on the ground like a coffee table, his belly to the air. “Teacher motherfucker offered a righteous box of motherfucking doughnuts for some goddamn service up and fucking rendered.”

 

Equius paled. “You mean you agreed to do this. Entirely improper and immoral display. For a box of doughnuts…”

 

Gamzee twisted his spine and fluidly rolled onto his stomach, stretching out his legs behind him and supporting his front half on his arms. He let his long shaggy hair tumble onto his face and he gave Equius a wide languid smile. “Don’t you get your judgement on bro, I may be up an’ posing in this bitch but y’all was the one coming here hoping to get an eyeful of some naked-ass humans.” Gamzee wiggled his eyebrows suggestively.

 

“BUT I-” Equius sputtered and one of his human classmates giggled next to him, he glared at her and she pretended to be very focused on some bit of shading around her sketch of Gamzee’s buttocks.”

 

Equius ran a hand down his face and chittered, exasperated. “That is a completely LEWD and INAPPROPRIATE suggestion and-”

 

Gamzee sat cross-legged on the floor before pulling up one of his legs straight up, toes pointed to the ceiling. “See y’all was coming here hoping some human motherfucker would come in and you would be able to practice your dong drawing skills.”

 

“THAT IS HIGH ART!” Equius insisted, the human classmate next to him snickered again and Equius accidentally snapped another pencil in half he was so flustered.

 

Equius put a hand to his face and leaned down to snatch the purple bathrobe off the floor, he thrust the garment at Gamzee. “That’s it. Put on your clothes. We’re leaving”

 

Gamzee snorted and pushed the robe away with an outstretched foot. “Nah dude, there like, another two hours ‘fore I get my clothes on and shit.”

 

Equius leaned in more forcefully and wiggled the robe in front of Gamzee. “Highblood, I really must insist that-”

 

“And I must motherfucking insist that-” Gamzee growled and tried to push the robe away.

 

Equius batted away Gamzee’s arm pushing him away and tried to put his arm through by force. 

 

The humans continued to sketch the scene, the papers flipping together and pencils and scritching in unison.

 

Gamzee hissed and yowled, thoroughly protesting and leaning away from Equius’s grasp.

 

The humans all flipped their sketchbook pages and continued to draw. 

Gamzee put a foot under Equius’s jaw in a very acrobatic attempt and keeping the blueblood from dressing him. Equius let out an “Oof” as his face was forced away by Gamzee’s outretched (and unwashed) foot.

 

The humans in the class oohed and ahhed at the display of flexibility and flipped the pages of the sketchbooks once more, furiously scribbling.

 

“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO DIFFICULT!” Equius hissed around Gamzee’s foot that was intent on pushing him away, he kept trying to force Gamzee awkwardly into the robe nonetheless.

 

“MOTHERFUCKER I AIN’T PUTTING ON NO MOTHERFUCKING CLOTHES UNTIL I GET MY RIGHTEOUS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS.”

 

The teacher took a sip of tea from their mug as the two trolls awkwardly continued to fight on the dias in the center of the room. Each human student furiously scribbling each part of the battle.

 

“Guys.” The teacher only looked mildly concerned at the scene unfolding “Would you please try to stop fighting? You’re really harshing my mellow.”

  
  


Stephanie hung off of John’s arm as she led him through the crewmember enrichment center, chatting his ear off about how much the crewmembers enjoyed the board game nights and the yoga and the art classes and this and that.

 

Karkat followed close behind the pair, watching Stephanie be ENTIRELY too attentive to John and was debating whether she had a crush on John too or if she was just a suck up. John insisted that crew enrichment was extremely important during the slow parts of their journey, and Karkat was here to try and offer ideas on how to get more trolls to come for enrichment activities. Although, honestly he was bored out of his mind at this point and almost wishing for an alien attack so there would be at least SOMETHING to do.

 

“Oh and here is a crewmember who regularly attends enrichment nights!” Stephanie smiled saccharinely and stopped a crewmember carrying a very large sketchpad. “Can you show us what you’ve been working on in the art classes we’ve been hosting?”

 

The woman shrugged and put a strand of hair behind her ear. “Well um...there is something...but I’m not sure you want to see it…”

 

Stephanie laughed and waved off her concern. “Oh come on! I want to show the captain how much fun we’re all having!”

 

The crewmember smiled and opened the drawing pad. “Well this is my best so far!”

 

Stephanie blanched at the drawing and John raised a hand to his mouth to suppress a snort.

 

It was a finely done and elegantly detailed drawing of two trolls. Sketch Equius had his ears down and was struggling against Sketch Gamzee who hand his foot in Equius’s face, squishing Equius’s cheek as he fumbled to get a robe on Gamzee.

 

Karkat doubled over he was laughing so hand. Wheezing and chittering as he held his stomach, eyes beginning to water.

 

The crewmember looked nervously back at where Karkat was still laughing hysterically. John smiled at her and giggled “Well...what can I say? It’s art.”

  
  
  


Story 3: A John by any other name

 

“Alright der sir.” Earl put a holopad in front of John. “Sign here and we’ll get to work on those upgrades der.”

 

After the Kri incident new safety procedures were being put in place. New scanners for specimens were being installed to make sure things were actually dead before being brought on board. Jade had protested that the Kri didn’t show any traditional forms of life when they were brought on board, and therefore wouldn’t show up on the new scanners anyways, but the measure made people feel safer at least.

 

John and Karkat were there to inspect and approve these new measures, their signatures in English and Alternian a formality.

 

Earl nodded at John’s wildy scrawled and looping handwriting. “Well that should do it then, say is ‘John’ your full name or it short for the long version?”

 

Karkat looked up from where he had been sighing his own paperwork, the long version?

 

“Haha Yeah!” John grinned and shrugged. “I usually just use the short version though.”

 

Karkat looked between the two humans “Wait so you have a short version and a long version of your name?”

 

John looked surprised for a moment, not expecting Karkat’s input in on the conversation. “Well yeah!” He turned and smiled at the short troll. “Most humans have a short and long version of their name, at least in my experience, but not everyone.”

 

Karkat raised an eyebrow. “Wait then who decides who gets a log name and who gets a short name? Why is everyone’s names different lengths?”

 

John shrugged “Well I dunno, some people just like the shorter versions better and some people insist on using the longer versions. I happen to like the shorter version of my name better. Short names are called ‘Nicknames’ but not always because you can have a nickname that isn’t a part of your real name”

 

Karkat squinted distrustfully at John, his slitted eyes narrowing. “So ‘John’ isn’t even your real name?”

 

John grinned “Not all of it.”

 

Karkat seethed for a moment before poking a clawed finger at John’s chest. “What's your ACTUAL name then?”

 

John put his hand to his chin and regarded his co-captain for a moment. “That’s right you don’t know!” He giggled “It’s such a common name I’ve never had someone not know before!”

 

Karkat growled to himself. “Yeah well I don’t know SO TELL ME YOUR NAME.”

 

John gave Karkat a shit-eating grin and put his chin in his hand, resting his elbow on Karkat’s head who seethed and growled louder. “You know what?” John pretended to muse, tapping his lips theatrically “I don’t think I will.”

 

Karkat hissed and took a swipe at John who caught his wrist and held his clawed hand away from him, laughing all the while. “TELL ME YOUR GODDAMN NAME SHIT-FACE!”

 

John giggled and leaned back, forcing Karkat off-balance. “Well ‘shit-face’ is a good guess but it’s not my name!”

 

“YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN TELL ME WHAT YOUR GODDAMN NAME IS OR I SWEAR-”

 

Karkat had been too angry to notice that John had been using his grip on Karkat’s wrist to slowly lean Karkat forward, John taking more and more of Karkat’s weight as Karkat struggled against his hold in an effort to claw at the captain.

 

“TELL ME YOUR NAME OR I’LL-”

 

Suddenly John stepped to the side and let go of Karkat’s wrists, Karkat fumbled and tried to regain his balance but ultimately fell lamely to the floor with a surprised yelp.

 

Karkat began to pick himself off of the floor but John was already running down the hallway. “You’ll never figure it out!” He sing-songed at Karkat as he ran, grinning like a child before jumping over a railing and onto a catwalk below. “NEVEEEEEERR!!!”

 

Karkat jogged over to the railing John jumped over and leaned over the side to scream “YOU MOTHERFUCKER I WILL FIND OUT WHAT YOUR GODDAMN NAME IS!”

  
  
  


Later in the cafeteria Jade was perusing the salad bar, carefully arranging her salad based on the color of the vegetables when Karkat popped up on the other side and grabbed her wrist.

 

“JADE”

 

“JESUS FUCKING-” Jade screamed in surprise and accidentally flung her perfectly arranged salad across the cafeteria. “KARKAT?” She grabbed her chest and wheezed “WHAT THE-”

 

“THIS IS IMPORTANT JADE.” Karkat fixed her with a serious stare, ignoring the salad dressing Jade had accidentally flung at him dripping down his face. “WHAT IS JOHN”S NAME?”

 

Jade squinted at him over the salad bar. “....John?...”

 

“NO!” Karkat ran a hand down his face and chittered “The WHOLE name!”

 

“Oh!” Jade looked at Karkat. “I guess you wouldn’t know, but it’s kinda weird that you don’t because-”

 

“Yeah, yeah, yeah.” Karkat flapped his hand around annoyed “Because the name is SO COMMON.”

 

“It’s actually the most common name in America!” Jade chirped, making another salad, picking through the cherry tomatoes carefully.

 

“Uh huh.” Karkat answered unimpressed.

 

“Statistically it is the second most common name on Earth!” Jade took her salad and began walking back to her seat, Karkat followed.

 

“JUST TELL ME WHAT IT IS.” Karkat hissed as Jade sat down at her table.

 

“What what is?” Dave asked, chewing a large mouthful of spaghetti.

 

“John’s full name.” Jade answered for Karkat, spearing a large portion of salad and shoving it into her mouth.”

 

Dave’s brows furrowed, he motioned vaguely at Karkat. “How do you not know this?”

 

Rose sat next to Dave, her chin in her hand and idly playing with a portion of pasta on her plate. “There are approximately five million Johns in the United States alone.”

 

“I GET IT” Karkat huffed and threw his hands up “EVERYONE BUT THE ALIEN ALREADY KNOWS.”

 

Dave huffed and pointed his fork at Jade. “Well? Are you gonna tell him?”

 

Jade shrugged and played with a lock of her hair. “I don’t know, what if John didn’t tell him for a reason?”

 

Rose arched an eyebrow. “And that reason would be…”

 

Jade shrugged vaguely and waved her fork around. “Don’t know! Maybe it’s his password or something?”

 

“That would be one shitty password.” Dave remarked idly.

 

“It’s John.” Rose looked at Dave pointedly.

 

“Still that would be pretty bad, even for him.”

 

Karkat growled and rubbed his temples. “What even IS a long name” 

 

Dave shrugged and took a bite of breadstick. “Well my full name is David, but people just call me Dave.”

 

Another human crew member stopped by the table. “What are we talking about?”

 

“Long and short names” Jade answered idly.

 

“Oh!” The crew member perked up. “Well my name is Annabell but most people just call me Annie!”

 

“Oh hey!” Someone else stopped to weigh in on the conversation. “My name is Anna but people call me Annie too!”

 

“HOW IS THAT A SHORT NAME! THAT’S ADDING AN EXTRA LETTER!” Karkat screamed but the Annies just shrugged.

 

Another crewmember stopped by “Well my name is Alexander, but most people call me Alex.”

 

“Hi Alex!” The Annies chirped in unison.

 

“What a weird coincidence!” Another crew member stopped by, holding her lunch tray. “My name is Alexandra! But most people call me Alex!”

 

Someone else stopped. “My name is Alexa! But people call me Alex too!”

 

“I’m Patricia!” someone from a nearby table chimed in “But people call me Pat!”

 

“What a coincidence!” someone from across the cafeteria called and waved at Patricia. “My name is Patrick but people also call me Pat!”

 

“Hi I’m Jake!” A young man with red hair and freckles waved at the growing gathering of humans. “My full name is Jacob though!”

 

“I’m Analise” A demure looking woman approached the group and tucked a piece of hair behind an ear. “People usually call me Annie though!”

 

“Yay!” The two other Annies hugged her and jumped up and down “Another Annie for the Annie club!”

 

“I’m Alejandro! But people call me Ale!”

 

“I’m Elizabeth! But people call me Liz!”

 

“I’m Benjamin! People call me Benny!”

 

“I’m also Benjamin! People call me Ben!”

 

“Im Frederica! People call me Fred. Or Rica.”

 

“Hey I’m Frederick! People ALSO call me fred!”

 

“I’m Rachel! People just call me Rachel.”

 

“Hey.” Another crewmember joined the massive group of humans at the table, not knowing exactly what was going on but wanting to be included anyways. “I’m Bob.”

 

Karkat was getting fed up at this point “AND WHAT THE FUCK IS ‘BOB’ SHORT FOR?”

 

Bob shrugged. “Robert.”

 

Karkat pulled at his hair, at his wit’s end “ AND HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET ‘BOB’ FROM ROBERT?”

 

Bob shrugged.

 

Karkat screamed and knocked over a table.

 

The humans watched Karkat storm off, cursing and hissing under his breath about how nothing humans ever did made any sense. The Annies and the Freds and the Alexs all watched him go.

 

“Huh…” Bob mused. “What’s his problem?”

 

Jade shrugged and ate her salad.

  
  


Later John and Dave were  in John’s office, going over the plans for a new scanning system when Karkat barged into his office.

 

“Oh hey Karkat.” John answered without looking up. “We were just going over the plans for-”

 

With one sweep of his arm Karkat knocked everything off of John’s desk. He then clambered onto the stainless steel top, grabbed John’s uniform by it’s front and hauled John up too look at him.

 

“JOHNERICA!” Karkat screamed.

 

“Uh…” John’s brows furrowed from where he was half-suspended by Karkat’s hold on his uniform. “What?”

 

Karkat growled and shook John,back and forth knocking his glasses askew. “JOHNABETH! JOHNAXANDER! JOHNWARD! JOHNAJANDRO!”

 

Karkat stopped shaking John for a moment and John took the opportunity to right his glasses and look up at Karkat. When he recovered a slow grin spread across his features. “Wait a minute...Are you…” John arched his eyebrows “Are you guessing my name?”

 

Karkat’s ears flicked down with annoyance, a deep growling rumbling chitter sounding at the back of his throat.

 

“JOHNALISE!” He shook John hard, punctuating each guess with violently shaking John back and forth.

 

“JOHNTHANY!!” Karkat shook John roughly and his glasses flew off.

 

“JOHNARINA!!!” By now Dave was snickering into the sleeve of his uniform as he watched idly by.

 

“JOHNRICK!!!!” John started giggling despite Karkat’s violent shaking.

 

“JOHNJAMIN!!!!!” Dave was now laughing hysterically, bracing himself on the desk to keep upright.

 

With one final tug Karkat pulled John completely upright to scream his final guess in his face.

 

“JOHNABELL!!!!!!”

 

John couldn’t help but laugh in Karkat’s face, deep wheezing guffaws matched by Dave’s obnoxious braying laughs on the other side of the desk.

 

“JOHNABELL??” Dave’s knees went weak and the security chief slid to the floor, clawing at the desk before going under, laughing helplessly.

 

John snorted, face red from the force of laughing, clear human tears pricking at the corners of his eyes.

 

“JOHNABELL!!!” Dave brayed from the floor of John’s office. “JOHNABELL!!!”

 

Karkat let John’s uniform go and John immediately collapsed to his desk, spread out over the writing surface.

 

Karkat crossed his arms and glared at the two humans who were rolling around in John’s office laughing hysterically, their faces red and tears running down their faces.

 

Finally with a last couple of giggles, the laughing died down, leaving John and Dave red-faced and breathing heavily on the floor.

 

Karkat sat on John’s desk, arms crossed. “ARE YOU TWO DONE YET?”

 

“Yeah…” Dave wheezed and straightened his sunglasses. “I think I’m good…”

 

“...johnabell…” John whispered and both men were thrown into a new fit of hysterical giggles. Dave kicked his legs up and down and slapped the floor, their entire bodies convulsing with laughter.

 

“That’s my new nickname for you!” Dave guffawed, holding his chest. “YOU’LL NEVER LIVE THIS ONE DOWN!”

 

Karkat seethed where he sat on John’s desk, his arms were drawn tightly around himself and his ears flicked down. A heavy red hue sat on his cheeks from embarrassment.

 

John picked himself off of the floor, a stray chortle still escaping his throat.

 

Karkat jumped a bit when John’s arms braced themselves on the desk, bracketing Karkat in on either side. His breath stuttered and a shiver ran up his spine as he was suddenly too nervous to quite look at John.

 

Karkat swallowed his nerves and turned slowly to look at the human. John leaned over him, eyes unobscured from glasses and bright with mirth. He was still breathing heavily, slightly red from his laughing fit, smiling widely at Karkat.

 

He had messy hair.

 

Never trust anyone who can look good with messy hair.

 

John put out a hand and Karkat looked at it for a moment before putting his hand in John’s for that stupid hand-up-and-down human greeting ritual thingy.

 

John shook Karkat’s hand and grinned. “Hi, I’m Johnathan.”

 

Karkat smiled, a thin little quirk to his lips, his ears perking up. “....Johnathan huh?...”

 

John hummed and smiled. “Yup!”

 

Karkat snorted and shook his head. “That’s a stupid name.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! Sorry I haven't updated in a month. School and work have been ramping up, as well as I'm also going through some pretty bad writer's block. This chapter is mostly me trying to work through the block. 
> 
> Tell me what you think! Favorite moments? Reactions? You know I'm always down to hear them. Also I don't have a beta reader so if you see something wrong don't be afraid to tell me.


	15. The land of wind and shade

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! This is a twist on John's classic planet! Now illustrated by the lovely Cyanideoreo! Please check her out on tumblr!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! Like i mentioned this is the classic homestuck planet we all know and love- BUT WITH A TWIST :D I hope you enjoy and please let me know what you think in the comments below~!

Natirga squinted their little beady eyes at the setting twin suns of their planet and adjusted their fishing rod. The breeze rippled the surface of the water and danced through the lush foliage around Natirga’s favorite fishing spot. Dark clouds whirled in the distance in delicate spirals. Where Natirga sat little fat glowing bugs bobbed lazily through the air.

 

“Narokka lam.” They complained, their orange chubby little clawed fingers pulled down at their straw hat, staring frustrated at the water where little iridescent squid swam. The moon squid were just not biting today.

Natirga growled at the squid from their seat “BERUNGI!” They yelled at the fish shaking a tiny scaled yellow fist, their salamander tail wiggling angrily behind them “Farkun belap!”

Their gills fluttered, fluffy and yellow fringing the sides of their round little face.

Natirga sighs and sits back down on their rock. “Perg.” They complained morosely and kicked a rock into the water.

Just then something caught Natirga’s eye. A bright glimmer appeared high in the sky. They clambered higher onto the rock and strained on their tiptoes to get a better look.

Something white started to drift down from the sky sending strong gusts of breeze through the air and rippling the water. In Natirga’s limited experience living in their little cove, they imagine that the thing that floats down looks like a great white shiney clam or perhaps a moon squid.

Their wide mouth watered and they crooed lowly in the back of their throat. Their hungry musings however, regarding if they could catch such a wondrous clam halted as the big thing grew bigger and bigger and bigger. Natirga’s gills flicked back and their beady little eyes widened.

By the tides! This clam is bigger than Natirga’s entire village!

Natirga honked wheezily. Their voice high and braying like a squeaky toy as they panicked on top of the rock, tottering in circles overwhelmed.

Who would Natirga tell? The elders of the village? The clam is too big it will crush them all!

“BWEEK! BWEEK! BWEEK!” They honked and squeaked, running frantically in circles.

The great clam got bigger and bigger, drifting down from the heavens before landing in Natirga’s cove. A huge wall of displaced water rose up and barreled towards Natirga’s rock.

“BWEEK BWEEK!” Natirga sceeched and hid behind a mound of rock as the wave washed over them, their little claws scrabbling for purchase as for a moment they were completely submerged, little moon squid swam frantically and Natirga’s straw hat floated above their head. Natirga looked around under the water astonished and was thinking about trying to catch some moon squid when just as quickly the water rescinded.The water washed away and Natirga was just barely able to save their straw hat, pulling it to their head as the water wooshed back, setting Natirga roughly down onto their bottom.

They bweeked indignantly at the treatment, but a glimmer on the little beach caught their eye. Thousands of moon squid were beached on the sand, flapping and twitching. Natirga crooed with interest, their gills flicking forwards.

Natirga took off their hat and peeped excitedly, tottering down the beach and collecting as many moon squid as they could.

So entrenched with their task of collecting the moon squid in their hat and eating whatever moon squid couldn’t fit, that they didn’t even notice the tall ones wading through the water until two pairs of ginormous feet were standing on their beach.

Natirga turned around, mouth full of moon squid only to come face to face with a shin that was as tall as they. They cocked their head, chewing on a moon squid as the regarded the gangly legs in front of them.

Natirga swallowed their squid and craned their head too look up at a pair of odd tall gangly creatures standing above him on his beach. The first one was taller, with wide shoulders, a pinkish face, blue eyes under odd square pieces of shiney and black fluff on their head. He had a shiney rectangle in their hands as well, turning it this way and that as if he was looking for something. “Alright Jade we’re tracking the signal now.” They stated, a hand to their ear and talking to nobody in particular that Natirga could see.

The second figure trudged up to the beach, leaned down and angrily shook some water out of the black fluff on their head. When they stood up Natirga could see sharp red eyes. Their face was as grey as the stone Natirga had been sitting on and Natirga could see two striped horns coming from the black fluff on their head.

“FOR GOD’S SAKE JOHN” The grey one complained to the taller one “I HAVE SEAWEED IN MY HAIR WHY THE FUCK DIDN’T YOU HAVE THE SHIP LAND CLOSER TO SHORE?”

The taller one continued to look around with their shiny rectangle. “Jade said that the power source was coming from around this area. This planet is inhabited by a level 1 species, just barely beginning to form a society, we’ll have to be careful not to interrupt them too much.”

The shorter one angrily motioned towards the big shiney clam thing they had gotten out of. “AND THIS ISN’T INTERRUPTING??”

The larger one shrugged “I’ll admit that it isn’t ideal but this is a delicate operation and we’ll need it as close as possible.”

“Besides” The larger one shrugged “This is a pretty remote area, it’s doubtful that any of the inhabitants would-”

Natirga crooed at the gangly creatures and both stopped in their tracks to look at them.  
Natirga stared wide-eyed at them before remembering their manners.

“BEH!” Greeted Natirga and bowed to the visitors. “Beh? BEH?” Natirga offered them both a moon squid from their hat.

“Oh my gosh!” The larger one sunk to their knees and Natirga was able to see what an odd face the visitor had. Big blunt teeth instead of sharp little ones like Natirga had, a nose that protruded out from their face instead of the nose slits Natirga had and the round ears on either side of their face istead of fluffy gills like the ones Natirga’s people had. “OH MY GOD KARKAT IT’S SO CUTE LOOK AT ITS LITTLE HAT!”

Natirga bowed again and put their straw hat back on top of their head, moon squid still inside. “Beh.”

Suddenly Natirga was hoisted into the air and into the clutches of the larger visitor. Natirga kicked their little feet uselessly and Bweeked indignantly before being set on the shoulder of the larger one.

Ohhh…. Natirga is tall now.

“I’m gonna name you Casey junior.” The larger one announced.

The smaller one huffed disgustedly. “WHAT IS WITH YOU AND NAMING THINGS?”

Natirga found the visitor to be strangely warm, like a rock that the sun had been warming through the noon day, he leaned against the visitor’s neck and crooed delighted. "Hey Jade" The large one asked the air around them, touching a paw to their ear. "What is it John?" Answered a voice seemingly coming from the larger one's head. Natirga perked up, instantly curious.

"Why aren't our universal translators working on this planet?" Asked the large one.

"It has to do with the energy signature coming from this planet." The voice answered. Natirga licked over the larger one's ear where the voice was coming from experimentally. "The energy signature is messing with just about all of our equipment. Dirk says the Felicias can't even walk straight." Natirga pawed at the larger one's ear. Where is that other voice coming from??

The smaller grey one took out their own shiny rectangle and pawed at it, little blocks of color moving upon the thing. Natirga snuffled at it intrigued.

“It says the power source should be up ahead, the jungle cover is too thick though to give good reconnaissance pictures…” they grumbled.

"THEY DID THEIR BEST OK." Another voice cut through. "THE FELICIAS ARE HAVING A HARD TIME OK GIVE MY GIRLS SOME SLACK." The larger one rubbed their ear where the other voice had yelled. "It's ok Dirk." The blue-eyed visitor huffed "Nobody blames the Felicias, we know they did their best...but we will have to find another way through the jungle..."

The larger one took Natirga from where Natirga had been enjoying their heat to look at Natirga in the eyes.

“What do you say Casey Junior?” The large one asked “Want to help with a super secret mission?

Natirga couldn’t understand the noises from the large visitor but understood the earnest look in their eyes.

“Beluk nan klaring” Natirga answered, swearing solemnly to help the tall visitors in whatever way they could.

The tall one smiled “Alright!” They chuckled and smiled widely.

The smaller one groaned. “ If we die on this fucking planet because you got directions from a yellow lizard I swear I will haunt your ass.”

Natirga had no idea what the small angry one said but they chittered in response anyways.

Natirga kicked their little feet and bweeked impatiently and the larger visitor got the hint that they should probably put Natirga down. Their big warm hands held Natirga’s mid section gently, lifting them off their shoulders and to the beach below.

What a kindly visitor! Such good manners!

Natirga tottered to their fishing pole and strapped it to their back. They waddled to where the beach transitioned into jungle and slapped their tail upon the sand.

“BWEEK BWEEK!” Natirga squeaked at the visitors and motioned for them to follow.

The taller visitor shrugged at the shorter one and began to follow Natirga, the shorter one growled and rolled their eyes but followed shortly there after as well.

Natirga followed the path to their village through the underbrush, they looked back noting how the tallness of the visitor meant that they had great difficulty navigating through the thick scrub.

“Natuchi nan garun…” Natirga mused, making the paths taller would probably be the polite thing to do in case they ever received more visitors of their type, Natirga resolved to come back some time with their clippers and a ladder.

The larger one bent a neon orange branch forwards in order to pass through the scrub, they passed through and forgetting about their shorter friend behind them, immediately let go smacking the other one in the face and slapping them down to the dirt.

“OH MY GOD KARKAT ARE YOU OK?” The taller one immediately went to the smaller’s side.

Natirga sighed, these visitors will need a lot of Natirga’s help.

“...you goddamn…” The smaller one hissed, putting their hands to their head where the branch had struck them “...fucking idiot…”

“Sorry! Sorry! Sorry!” The larger one hovered over the other,contrite but not sure how to help.

Natirga waddled over to the pair, fished a moon squid from their hat and put the cold fish on the visitor forehead where the branch had struck them like it was an icepack.

“Bweh bweh.” They consoled and patted the visitor’s stone grey face.

“Great…” Karkat sniffled. “I’ll fucking smell like fish now…”

The larger one helped the smaller one to their feet, gingerly righting them and putting an arm around their shoulder to stabilize them as the other held the squid to their head.

“I’m so sorry Karkat.” The larger one whispered, brushing back their hair to inspect the lump “Are you ok?”

“...mhmmmmm…” The smaller one groaned and leaned into their hand. “I’ll probably hate myself later for this...and it’s probably because I’m still woozy from being hit in the head but…”

The smaller visitor leaned into the taller’s touch, slurring their words slightly. “Keep doing that you insufferable shitlick…” They murmured as they leaned into the hand carding through their hair.

The latter one laughed quietly, continuing to run their fingers gently through the other’s hair. “You’re ok Karkat…” They murmured. “Sorry I hit you with a branch…”

“You’re damn right you’re sorry…” The smaller one slurred out growling half-heartedly.

Natirga watched them intently, their little beady eyes wide. They pulled a squid from their hat and munched on it as they enjoyed the scene.

The grey one enjoyed the other’s touch for just a moment longer before suddenly bringing their hands up to push the other away roughly. “OK THAT’S IT.” They announced. “HANDS OFF.”

They took a big step forward to distance themselves from the big pink one before their legs seemingly betrayed them, wobbling before almost falling to the ground once more.

The other one caught them before they could fall to the ground, their arms wound around their middle. They grey one hissed, their ears back. “...oh for fucks sake.”

For the rest of the journey the larger one held the smaller in their arms, their arms braced against the grey one’s back and legs as they trudged together in the jungle.

The smaller one had their long ears tucked back and a pink blush was spreading across their cheeks and neck, their head down and resolutely not looking at the other.

Meanwhile the larger one carried their comrade through the foliage, humming as they went. Natirga sang some of the village songs they knew and the visitor did their best to copy them.

Natirga bweeked with appreciation.

As they neared the village the dirt path widened and Natirga could hear the sounds of a wagon clattering toward the village

Karuni, one of the other’s on Natirga’s village stamped their little foot angrily next to a wagon of vegetables. “PARUDI PERG!” Karuni cussed and kicked the side of the wagon, their little apron striped with dirt. Natirga blushed a bit at the harsh language even though Natirga had used similar language when the squid were not biting. That was BEFORE they had visitors though.

“Karun gost palla nam.” Natirga addressed the other and they looked up from their vegetable cart. “Beh. Beh.” They bowed in greeting.

“Keflam aru dam kilan.” Natirga explained, motioning towards the visitors.

Karuni’s gills flicked out with interest as they looked over at the visitors. “Freeni lam.” They exclaimed in wonder, it was the first time any of them had seen an actual visitor except for in the paintings.

Natirga nodded. “Nergu lam.” They agreed.

Karuni sighed and kicked their cart. “Barun palla kar.” They complained. “Hara.”

John leaned over Karkat to look at the salamander person’s vegetable cart. “Oh.. They lost a little wheel on their little cart.”

“I DON’T FUCKING CARE JOHN.” Karkat hissed into John’s shoulder. “LET THEM DEAL WITH IT.”

“We should help!” John chirped

“WAIT NO-”

But before Karkat could protest further John had already set Karkat down in the dirt.

John leaned down over the scene and Karuni stepped back and bweeked meekly, intimidated by John’s size.

“Nordu harul.” Natirga comforted Karuni.

John picked up the entire cart of vegetables, balancing it on a shoulder to get a better look at the wagon wheel.

“KAFINO! KAFINO LAM BENGI!!!” Karuni screamed and hid behind Natirga, both in awe and afraid.

John hummed as he looked over at where the wagon wheel was supposed to attach. He leaned down and took the wheel from where it had been stuck in the mud, retrieving it with a quick tug.

“BEHHHHHHH!!!!” Natirga and Karuni exclaimed in awe, pressing their little paws to their faces. Such strength!

“Thank you! Thank you! I’ll be here all week!” John bowed to the little salamander people, amused and please with himself as they clapped in response.

John set the wagon back down and Karuni hooked it back up to the creature that had been pulling it, a dark blue lizard that went just above John’s knees with three pairs of legs and wide-set green eyes, a thick plume of maroon feathers covered their chest and back.

“Do you mind if I put him in the back?” John motioned to a slowly recovering Karkat who was still sitting dazedly in the dirt.

Karuni seemed to understand what John meant and slapped their tail down on the seat of their cart “Kalap! Beh! Beh!” They agreed.

John set Karkat down in the wagon of odd oblong lumpy yellow vegetables. “I hate you. I hate YOU. I hate THIS PLANET. AND I HATE THESE GODDAMN VEGETABLES” Karkat groaned and dug a vegetable from out under his back and throwing moodily into the forest.

“BWEEK BWEEK!” Karuni exclaimed and snapped down the reins on the blue lizard who made a grating chortle before scampering forward, tugging the cart of vegetables with Karkat in it behind them.

“Kafruni lam, nam kall fi…” Karuni remarked to Natirga as they clattered down the road, Karkat complaining loudly with every pothole they hit and John humming and walking beside them. After all of these years the visitors have arrived, just like the elders always said.

“Fruni lam jarush.” Natirga agreed, glancing behind them to look at the visitors.

“Jen ja?” Karuni asked. Will they be ready?

“Kalla.” Natirga shrugged. They certainly hoped so.

 

The trip to the village was long and bumpy. The grey visitor complained almost the entire way where they were sprawled in Karuni's wagon of vegetables. Natirga supposed their name was "KARKAT" Based on how many times the larger one used the word when addressing the smaller one. Using the same logic Natirga deduced that the larger one's name was either "SHITLICK" or "FUCKFACE" based on how many times the smaller one used the word to address the taller one. The taller one or "FUCKFACE" simply hummed and walked along side the wagon, talking with the smaller one to comfort them as they recovered from their head injury.

They were cute Natirga decided. Gangly and oddly colored without tails or gills...

But cute.

They reached the village and Karuni slowed their wagon to a halt, their lizard chortling and their feathers fluffing up before coming to a complete stop. "Jenh farwa." They said to announce having arrived in the village.

"Melap frun wa." Natirga mused and looked back at the two visitors, the taller one was currently helping the shorter one out of the cart of vegetables. Natirga was glad to see that the grey one seemed to have mostly recovered as the elders would probably want to speak with them.

"Krean!" Karuni bid them goodbye and drove their wagon away.

In the village other salamander people began to take notice of the visitors, stopping what they were doing to gaze up at them in wonder, whispering to each other.

"Keflam nam halla!" The visitors have arrived! "Nedi la freeni!" They look just like the paintings! "Keflam lam bedi!" The visitors have arrived!

John and Karkat looked around them at the sea of yellow faces filled with awe as salamander people crowded around them.

"...Uh...John?" Karkat questioned nervously as a couple of little salamander people touched the pants of Karkat's uniform.

"BWEEK BWEEK!" Natirga cut through the crowd and took both visitors by the fabric of their pants to lead them out of the crowd.

The villagers followed Natirga and the visitors through the village, trudging and waddling and bweeking with joy until they all came to a large hut at the end of the village. Natirga paused where they were about to knock on the door, one must never bother the elder unless it is necessary.

They looked back to the visitors, gangly, out of place and looking nervously out at the sea of yellow estatic bweeking faces.

Well what could be more important than the visitor's arrival?

Natirga knocked on the door gently.

"Harunik." Answered an ancient voice.

Natirga swallowed hard and entered the hut, motioning the two visitors to follow.

The inside of the hut was lit only by the dim glow of a fireplace. Round bottles hung from the ceiling in thick clusters, reflecting the light from the fire.

"Bal na Keflam." Someone murmured by the fireplace. The elder suddenly rose from their seat by the fire, their yellow skin was wrinkled and they leaned heavily on a knotted staff, their robes trailing behind them. Barbel, like those on a catfish trailed off their face.

Natirga bowed.

The visitors mimicked Natirga and the elder stepped forward.

"Keflam hadd nan." The elder spoke. So the Visitors had finally arrived.

The visitor regarded the visitors for a moment before trudging past the to the far wall of the hut. "Nefam harra..." They spoke softly, motioning for the visitors to follow.

"um...Sir?" the larger one spoke to the elder softly. "We're looking for a power source and-"

The elder ripped back a curtain on the far side of the hut to reveal a great mural carved into a slab of solid rock, towering even above the visitor's heads.

"Nhalm maja dan kelfam yagga..." The elder spoke, running their hands across the mural where tall figures with horns on their head were painted.

Natirga knew this story, how many many many moons ago, before the elders, or the elder's elders visitors had first come to them.

"Are those..."Karkat whispered and squinted at the mural. "Are those trolls?"

The elder continued to speak, moving to a new part of the mural where the horned figures all gathered around some great looming shape. In the stories the visitors came and brought with them a terrible evil, an evil that changed the very world.

The grey one look raptly at the mural, their red eyes wide. "...I think that may be a terraformer.... It was used when Alternia first started colonizing..." Karkat shook his head "But we never colonized this area!...Or at least they said we didn't...But if we did why aren't they still-"

The elder cut Karkat off by taking Karkat's face in their little paws. "Pillan hadda jan feluk." They whispered before taking something from their robes and pressing it into Karkat's hands.

Suddenly the ground shook with a terrible tremor.

Oh no.

It's starting.

Natirga ran outside "FELLAM JALLA HAP!" They screamed! "JENRA JENRA!" they screamed. It is starting run for cover!

The villagers screamed, taking each other by the hand, picking up their little ones and running for their own huts and a terrible gust of wind rolled over the village, blowing away street vendor carts and bending the trees around them.

"Jruni han.." The elder begged Karkat.

Save us.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think! I love hearing from you guys!
> 
> The squids in this chapter are dedicated to gentlemanMannerism here on Ao3!
> 
> Once again CyanideOreo is the one who illustrated AND SCULPTED for this chapter! Check out her tumblr she does really REALLY cool shit!! I am also on tumblr (same name as my ao3) and you are always welcome to bug me there!


	16. Into the belly of the beast

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John and Karkat try and stop the terraformer that has been wreaking havoc on the Salamander planet

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! Back at it again with another chapter! Hope your summer is going well! I will be updating

John fiddled with his communicator in the elder Salamander’s hut, static loudly coming from the little speaker in his hands. The wind howled and bellowed from outside, pushing through the smallest of slats in the wooden hut and rustling the bottles that hung from the ceiling.

When the rains and storms had first come, a group of Salamanders had taken him by the hand and hurriedly led him to river by the town. Down by the beach, assailed by the thunderous storms were long docks with square sectioned off portions in the water lined with nets. They pulled these nets out and hundreds of little tadpoles were caught in what must have been underwater playpens for their young. The little things were yellow and orange just like their parents but with bigger, beadier eyes, fluffier gills, stubby little front limbs and a back-end that ended in a paddle-like tail.

The little tadpoles came up from the nets already blubbering and crying into their parent’s arms who hurriedly took them back to the elder’s house. The Elder’s house with the one stone wall seemed to be the most sturdy thing in the village and doubled as a storm shelter. All the Salamanders of the village and their little crying and blubbering tadpoles huddled together, murmuring in fear and comforting the crying tadpoles.

Suddenly the communicator John was fiddling with came to life in his hands. “BZZZT- Hello? BZZT John? Is that you? BZZZZT-”

“Jade!” John perked up, disturbing a couple of Salamanders that had been cuddling for warmth next to him “I’m so glad I finally reached you!”

 

Jade stood in the science center, watching the storm system on the monitors. Outside the exterior windows of the ship the storm was merciless, trees were uprooted around the cove the ship had landed in, water rushing down the windows as if from some massive faucet.

“John this storm is nothing like I have ever seen before!” Jade tracked through the data, numbers reflected off the gleam of her glasses. “It’s messing with just about every instrument we have! It looked clear before and now it’s just appeared from-”

“From nowhere?” John finished for her, his face grim.

Jade looked over the data pouring across the screen shaking her head “yeah… It’s insane.”

John looked over at the sea of salamanders, the elder was pulling bottles from the ceiling and using it to wet the gills of the tadpoles who gasped and cried not quite able to breath in the dry air properly yet. “They showed us a mural that Karkat says looks a lot like an Alternian terraformer”

Jade arched a brow. “Wait Alternia NEVER explored this part of space! That’s part of the ENTIRE REASON we went to this section of space! It was neutral territory!”

“Exactly.” John huffed into the communicator. “Well we have reason to suspect that the terraformer is still here and malfunctioning. We’re going to have to try and find it and disable it.”

Jade hummed “I’ll try to be of whatever use I can be from here.”

John smiled “Thanks Jade.”

Jade huffed. “Just please be safe? Both of you. If something were to go wrong we can’t pinpoint your trackers in this mess.”

John nodded, face grim “roger that.”

John scooted over to Karkat who was surrounded by salamander people. The salamander elder was speaking to Karkat in grave tones, shaking their staff for emphasis.

“Pejuk! Palla nan jerungik pan hedu!”

“Look Salamander old guy thing.” Karkat shook his head “I don’t understand you will you stop-”

The Salamander elder took Karkat by the wrist, their tiny scaled yellow hand not large enough to encircle it. He then put Karkat’s hand on the mural carved into the stone, right over where the terraformer was.”

“Pengan.” The salamander looked over Karkat gravely. “Pengan TROLL.”

Karkat looked at the salamander “Wait!? You know about trolls?!”

Then the salamander that had brought them in tottered over to the small group, taking off their straw hat and bowing to the elder. The elder spoke to the other salamander gravely and the little yellow alien bowed once more to the older one before waddling to John and tugging on his hand.

“Hipam namma ku.” The told him gravely, tugging their hat bat on with the air of determination.

John turned towards Karkat “I think he wants us to go with him”

Karkat motioned angrily towards the door of the hut which was being battered by the wind, air whistling through the slats. “HE WANTS US TO GO OUTSIDE IN THIS?”

“Pengan kamma han!” The little salamander person implored Karkat.

“I think they know how to stop it Karkat.” John looked at the yellow determined face in front of them, gills fluffed in righteous determination.

“THEN WHY HAVEN’T THEY DONE IT?” Karkat demanded “THEY’RE STILL USING WAGONS HOW THE FUCK WOULD THEY KNOW HOW TO STOP A TERRAFORMER?”

John shrugged. “I don’t know Karkat. I don’t know but we can’t do nothing.”

Karkat looked over the sea of yellow faces, the little salamanders huddled together, their softly crying and whimpering tadpoles in their arms.

Karkat raked his claws through his hair. “Fucking FINE. But just so you know if we die on this miserable shithole of a planet I will haunt your ass for as long as you live.”

“Oh Karkat I’m sure your ghost can find a better place to live than my ass.” John grinned.

“FUCK YOU.”

“Oh so THAT’S why you want to live in my butt?” John waggled his eyebrows.

“I swear to GOD I will strangle you and leave you here.”

“If you kill me does that mean MY ghost has to live in YOUR butt then?”

The salamanders all looked on with interest as Karkat was reduced to a red-faced seething ball of anger and frothing fury. “FUCKING FU- YOU- FUCKING SHIT-LICKING FUCKER FUCK-”

John laughed and put a hand on Karkat’s shoulder to stop his half-incoherent rant. “Come on Kitkat enough chitchat.” John straightened up, standing above the salamanders with an air of determination. “Let’s go save the goddamn day.”

The elder and the salamanders currently not holding tadpoles worked together, tearing up old salamander-sized cloaks and sewing them together into two massive patchwork cloaks for John and Karkat.

John put the Salamander that was to act as their guide on his shoulders. “Ok little Casey junior if you want me to walk this way…” John moved over to the left “Pat me here.” he pat his left shoulder “And if you want me to go this way…” He moved over to the right. “Pat me here ok?”

The little salamander studied John’s demonstration raptly. They peeped and patted John on his right shoulder. John smiled and moved obediently to the right. The salamander peeped excitedly and wagged their stubby yellow tail, gills fluffed out in excitement.

 

Karkat and John donned the borrowed makeshift robes, John setting the salamander on his shoulders.

The door rattled and shook as they approached it like the lid on a boiling pot. John looked at Karkat nervously, his hand paused an inch away from the door. “Ready for this?”

Karkat sighed and wrapped the cloak tighter around himself. “Let’s fucking get this over with.”

John opened the door which flung backwards with the force of the wind. Salamanders shrieked and bottles fell from where they were suspended on the ceiling, smashing below in bright little colored bursts. John struggled against the wind, the salamander on his back gripping his hair tightly, peeping and squeaking with fright.

Finally John and Karkat struggled out of the hut, closing the creaking and complaining door behind them.

Outside in the village the storm raged, the roofs off of huts were blown away in the harsh winds, the streets were flooded, water flowing down them like streams, the wind howled angrily at them.

“THIS IS THE WORST DECISION YOU HAVE EVER MADE” Karkat screamed over the howling winds.

Casey junior on John’s back had their gills back against the winds, clutching desperately at their hat. They peeped and patted John’s right shoulder.

“HE SAYS IT’S THIS WAY” John yelled over the wind, bracing himself to trudge to the right, his makeshift cloak billowing in the whirlwind.

Karkat grumbled but followed suit.

Casey led them through the city piloting John like a mecha, peeping instructions all the while. They reached the edge of the city where there was a large hill. What was once a footpath John supposed was overflowing with muddy sludge like a waterfall, trees lost their hold on the steep muddy surface, crashing down into the street below.

Casey the salamander peeped and urged John forward.

John sighed and looked back at Casey. “Really?”

Casey peeped apologetically.

The climb up the steep hill was a brutal one. The wind whipped at their cloaks, the rain bearing down into their faces. More than once one of them lost their footing in the rushing slippery mud and would have been carried away were it not for the quick thinking of the other. Twice Karkat grabbed a small tree that immediately popped free of the slick mud and would have been carried away by the sludge were it not for John grabbing his cloak and pulling him back to safety. Three times John lost his footing and would have fallen were it not for Karkat pulling him up, cursing all the while.

John fell into the mud a third time, Casey peeping alarmed as they clutched John’s hair desperately to hang on. John groaned and Karkat tugged on his cloak, urging him on. “COME ON SHIT LICK THAT LITTLE YELLOW TURD SAYS WE HAVE TO KEEP GOING.”

Karkat looked around the rainy flooded hill “I DON’T GET IT!” Karkat ran a hand over his sopping wet face. “WHERE IS THE FUCKING TERRAFORMER ALREADY?”

With John’s hands under the water he felt something rough against his hands. He squinted and streaks of bluish light could be seen through the dark water. “I think there's something under here!”

John put his arm under the water and braced it against the stone underneath, in the stone below thick grooves were cut into the surface, making odd geometric patterns that gleamed with greenish-blue light.

Karkat squinted at the markings. “WHAT THE FUCK? ARE THOSE...ARE THOSE CIRCUITS?”

The ground shook with a roaring tremor, knocking Karkat to the ground as well.

“Karkat…” John looked over at the troll at his side half-submerged in the mud. “I think this whole hill IS the terraformer.”

“FUCKING DAMMIT!” Karkat yelled and splashed his arms angrily through the mud “WHAT IS IT WITH ALIENS LIVING ON TOP OF FUCKING DEATH TRAPS??”

On the ground both human and troll could feel the ground move and shift underneath them, the machinery whirring and grinding with a horrible low growl. John, Karkat and Casey shrieked as the stone underneath then groaned and slid away dropping the trio through the gap with a rush of muddy water.

John landed harshly, Karkat soon followed suit, landing squarely on John’s stomach with a groan from both parties, while Casey the Salamander landed on top of Karkat with a startled peep.

Karkat rubbed his head, looking around the claustrophobic space illuminated only by the far-off gap above them. “FUCKING OW. WHERE THE FUCK ARE WE?”  
John took a moment to recover but once he regained his breath he helped Karkat up and also took a look around the space, ancient metal surrounded them, deep grooves carved into it where greenish blue light flickered from these furrows erratically. The sound of groaning and complaining machinery surrounded them, buzzing along the walls like tremors as the machine sputtered and jolted.

“I don’t know Karkat…” John answered, looking up from where they fell just in time to see the lighted gap close with the shifting of some sort of massive outer plating.

Casey the salamander clung to John’s pants leg and peeped worriedly as the last of the light from above them disappeared. Their eyes slowly adjusted to the dark, the only light being the flickering massive circuitry that was splayed across the wall.

John and Karkat both engaged the flashlight functions on their PCDs and Casey the Salamander peeped with surprise and immediately tugged down one of John’s hands to chew experimentally on the glowing THING around their friend’s wrist.

John giggled.

“Focus dipshit.” Karkat whispered, looking distrustfully down a long corridor that led deeper into the machine. “We’re in a giant malfunctioning terraformer who fucking KNOWS what this thing could do.”

John nodded and picked up the Salamander alien and set him on his shoulder. “Right.”

Karkat and John looked down into the sole corridor, the walls buzzing with energy and the machine groaning and hissing from deep within.

“So…” John looked at Karkat. “Down the spooky corridor or down the spooky corridor?”

John and Karkat made their way cautiously down the corridor, the metal under their feet buzzing and groaning more and more violently as they continued. The light on the wall flashed intermittently brighter and dimmer, sometimes flickering out completely and other times blinding the pair with a flash of bright light like when lightning hits nearby during a lightning storm.

They fumbled their way deeper into the machine, sometimes the section of hallway they were in would move suddenly to one side of the other, pitching it’s occupants to and fro with a violent jerk, after which they would be suddenly faced with an entirely new hallway with no other option but to continue.

The roots of trees wove deeply into the mechanism, following circuitry and furrows in the metal, holding still some pieces of sputtering machinery. Along one of these places where nature intruded into the ancient mechanics they found an odd mural.

John pulled away some roots that had grown over the mural, running a hand along it to brush away stray dirt.

This mural was similar to the mural carved into the stone of the elder salamander’s house in design, though shielded from the elements inside the machine one could still see where paint had been applied to these ancient carvings.

A picture of Salamander people was carved into the rock, two chubby little figures standing on a hill overlooking the ocean. The mural showed some massive triangular ship appearing in the sky, salamander people running from it as it approached.

Tall lanky figures with horns and sharp teeth grimaced out at them from the next mural, exaggerated trolls with thick tusks standing over salamander people with chains around their yellow necks, the troll’s maws open with cruel laughter.

Trolls led salamander people by the chains on their necks to the terraformer, their hands outstretched as they gave orders, smaller trolls joined the salamander people among the slaves. These trolls were drawn more sympathetically, smaller than the other trolls with anguished faces as they carried raw materials to the machine. Salamanders were led by the chains on their necks, laying down circuitry in small hard to reach places.

Karkat huffed looking over the mural. “So we did conquer this planet…” He ran a hand along a carved troll, their mouth open a full of cruel sharp teeth. “Why the hell didn’t they tell us? And why did we leave this planet? It obviously is still full of natural resources...There was no reason to leave it much less lie and say it never existed…”

They came to the end of the mural where a thick root cut through the picture. John and Karkat both took a hold of the monstrous root, pulled and-

The next mural was much larger than the others. A figure in the center floated above the ocean scene, dwarfing the trolls on the beach. The vaguely female figure was etched intricately onto the wall, long robes flowing beneath them where they floated, patterned intricately with scrawling swirls. They wore a sharply-angled helmet that reminded John vaguely of a valkyrie albeit with overly clean geometric designs. She held a longsword in delicate hands covered with plated gauntlets. A scaled tail trailed behind her, gold leaf was laid into the carving, outlining each scale and intricate pattern of her robes.

Yellow paint surrounded her like fire or electricity, emanating from her in waves. Trolls caught in this odd energy seemed to writhe and scream in pain.

“What the hell…” Karkat looked over the painting “What the hell is THAT?” he looked over the trolls caught in the light, their bodies in painful odd-angled positions as they seemed to be completely immolated. “They said that we were never defeated...that nothing could stop the condescension and her empire…”

John looked over the mural as well, at the creature that destroyed an entire colony. “I think they lied Karkat...I think that they lied…”

The section of hallway that they were in once again gave a violent jerk, thrusting its inhabitants against the wall as they careened downwards into the belly of the machine. The three of them screamed as they fell, lifting up from the floor, Casey the salamander tugging their hat back to their head to keep it from floating away.

The section came to a violent and sudden stop, smashing them into the floor of the container.

“FUCKING FUCK THIS DUMB ASS MACHINE!” Karkat screamed, rubbing where his head was knocked into the wall.

“Wait Karkat.” John started as he saw where the machine had taken them. “I think for once the dumb ass machine did something right!”

The hallway now led into some sort of control chamber. The walls were lined with glowing blue monitors facing a solitary chair. Roots had spurt through the chamber, cracking through the monitor and entwining the chair. Under the monitors as a long low panel covered in buttons and flashing switches and knobs, roots tangled among them as they snaked across the panel. Alternian letters flashed across the obstinate screens that flickered and glitched.

Karkat crossed over to the panel, brushing off a thick layer of dust and grime that had accumulated over the years.

“So….” John shrugged and looked over at Karkat. “Can you stop it?”

Karkat grimaced and turned to John disgustedly. “WAIT WHY ARE YOU PUTTING ALL OF THIS ON ME?”

John threw up his own hands. “WELL BETWEEN THE TWO OF US YOU’RE THE ONE WHO CAN READ ALTERNIAN!”

“DO YOU REALLY THINK OUR LANGUAGE HASN’T CHANGED IN A THOUSAND YEARS?”

“SO?”

Karkat growled and poked a finger at John’s chest. “YOU’RE THE ONE ALWAYS COMPLAINING HOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT SHAKESPEARE IS TALKING ABOUT!” Karkat angrily pointed to a word on screen “SEE THIS WORD RIGHT HERE? IT MEANS BUTTHOLE! IT PROBABLY DIDN’T MEAN BUTTHOLE A THOUSAND YEARS AGO BUT IT SURE AS FUCK MEANS BUTTHOLE NOW!”

Karkat stomped angrily in the little control booth “I MEAN THIS SHIT IS SO OLD IT’S NON-BIOLOGICAL! DO YOU KNOW HOW LONG IT’S BEEN SINCE THE EMPIRE USED NON-BIO TECHNOLOGY???”

At the end of Karkat’s rant John stared at the screen for a moment. “So that word means butthole?”

Karkat screamed “YES IT MEANS BUTTHOLE YOU INSUFFERABLE FUCK IS THAT THE ONLY THING YOU GLEAMED FROM THAT ENTIRE-”

“No Karkat wait-” John placated him “What I’m trying to say is that if it means butthole now then what did it mean back then that would relate to a machine.”

Karkat paused. “Fuck I don’t know...what would be the butthole of a machine…”

Both suddenly were struck with a thought “THE EXHAUST SYSTEM!” They said in unison.

They crowded in closer to the screen. “This is a systems list!” Karkat poked the alternian word on the screen “THERE’S THE BUTTHOLE!”

“What are the rest on the list?” John asked, leaning in curiously.

Karkat studied the words, mouthing them to himself. “Uh… it’s pretty archaic...this is a really old word for...um it means veins now so it was probably something like circuitry?”

John tested a few buttons and knobs on the panel, maneuvering over to the circuit's option with some sort of archaic joystick and selecting it. The circuits hummed as power flushed through the system, roots burning off the wires where they touched the glowing blue bands, selecting the option again brought them back to their lower almost dormant previous state.

“And this one?” John poked at a word outlined in black. “What does this one mean?”

Karkat squinted at the word. “Uh… its a word sometimes used for food if you’re an uppity blue blood… it’s kinda like life? I’ve seen seadwellers that have that tattooed on their lower back. Like life or life-source or-”

The two looked at each other “POWER!”

The selected the option and the wheezing grinding of the machine suddenly stopped, a red light flashed in the control booth as the ceiling above them began to shake.

“Fuck!” John hissed as he looked up at the ceiling, little screws and bits of metal already raining down on them “I don’t need a translator to know that this is a bad thing!”

“DAMMIT!” Karkat hissed “WHAT DO WE DO KNOW?”

John went to the control panel, some sort of warning flashing across the screen. “WE GO OUT THE BUTTHOLE!” He screamed as he engaged the option for the exhaust.

Air wheezed through the chamber as a large slot opened up at the top. John had just enough time to grab both Casey the salamander and Karkat as all three of them were pushed from the chamber and out the shoot by a disgusting wave of awful smelling smoke. They barreled through the chamber, the metal of the machine groaning as it fell apart.

They popped up from the side of the hill with a geyser of black smoke, landing on the top of the hill with a thump.

John was the first to recover, hastily throwing Karkat and salamander Casey across his shoulders in a fireman’s lift before bolting. The metal under his feet beginning to give as the entire structure began to deflate like a giant unfortunate metal souffle.

John brought the three of them to the end of the hill just as it imploded, sending a shockwave through the area and knocking him on his ass, Karkat landing in John’s lap and Casey clutching desperately to John’s shoulders.

With one final gasp and sputter the machine was truly and finally dead.

The thick thunderstorm clouds cleared, patches of bluesky coming through and sunlight falling down on the wreckage. John’s communicator buzzed in his ear.

John reached up lazily to answer it, still dazed by the situation. “....yea Jade?...”

“OH MY GOD JOHN!” Jade yelled through the intercom “The storm is clearing! WHAT DID YOU DO? Are you guys ok?”

“We went through the butthole Jade.” John nodded dazedly at nothing “We went through the butthole….”

“What?” but before Jade could enquire further John disengaged the communicator, letting it dangle from his ear.

John, Karkat and Casey looked dazedly out onto the wreckage.

Casey looked down at them “you both are crazy.” they said in a little squeaky voice. “But you did it!”

John and Karkat looked at the little creature “Oh my god.” John grinned “Now that the interference is gone the universal translator is working again!”

Casey put their little stubby hands to their face in amazement “You can understand me now! Hooray! I certainly wish you would have used this magic before! But the evil is defeated nonetheless! rejoice!”

John and Karkat spent the rest of the day in the salamander village, helping put roofs back on huts and washing the streets clear from debris. The salamanders then had a great feast in their honor, putting little glowing squids in jars and hanging them over the streets like christmas lights.

After the festivities John and Karkat sat on a rocky outcropping overlooking the bay, they had just finished a grilled squid kabob each and both of them were enjoying the full stomachs and the satisfaction of a job well done.

“You know….” Karkat mused as he kicked his feet through the water lazily. “That thing with the systems on the computer.. You’re not completely useless after all…”

John laughed and grinned at Karkat the moon hanging low over the water and bathing them both in pale light. “You know I think that’s the nicest thing you have ever said to me…”

Casey or rather Natirga John found out their name was approached them. “Friends! I am glad to have found you!” they squeaked excitedly.

“I have brought gifts!” they peeped. Natirga clambered onto John’s knees and presented him with a carved amulet. “A token of our appreciation! And a reminder of the great good you have done for our people!”

Karkat also received a wooden amulet, both carved in intricate geometric renditions of themselves, much like the murals they had seen in the salamander village.

John smiled at the little token and put the leather band around his neck. “Thank you Natirga! You didn’t have to…”

Karkat smiled and put on his own necklace as well, his ears flicking down his embarrassment but still obviously pleased.

“And now.” Natirga took them both by the hands, one from both of them in their stubby paws “Now I would like to do something else for you.” they chirped.

They took two flower chains from their satchel and scampered onto their knees to gently place them on their heads.

“Now look onto the bay.” Natirga instructed “It is a very special time of day.”

The moon swelled to its fullest and all could feel a change go through the area. The moon squid swarmed on the surface of the bay, pushing and squirming until-

A perfectly formed bubble rose up into the air containing a tiny glowing moon squid. Then more and more moon squid rose up in their own little bubbles, floating and bobbing gently through the air like fireflies in the night sky.

“It’s beautiful…” Karkat whispered completely transfixed by the cheery little lights.

Natirga watched the strangers- no the heroes as they watched the moon squid together, sitting by the bay, their shoulders turned towards each other.

It was a mark of good luck or Natirga’s people. For a new couple to watch the moon squid together in this way.

Natirga smiled.

Natirga wishes them the best together...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! As always I love it when you comment! Tell me what you think! I absolutely love hearing from you!
> 
> I will be updating my fic "Thor God of Thunder, Sitter of babies" next and then I will be posting some original work for those of you that asked to see it if I ever wrote an original novel. It's called "Mothwoman and The Professor" and it's about solving supernatural crimes in Victorian London. As always with anything from me it will be absurd and hilarious but there will be cool monsters from around the world, badass women and a hodag under the couch.
> 
> Also ngl I think John and Karkat accidentally got Vegas-weddinged by Natirga :V whoops.


	17. Shenanigans and misunderstandings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just a short little chapter about some misunderstandings and crazy shenanigans going on in the ship.

Kanaya hummed as she worked. She was currently breeding different kinds of Earth pea plants together, working a little brush over one plant’s flower to collect the pollen, and using it to fertilize another plant. Jade had told her that this was a classic experiment among Earth botanists and geneticists to showcase dominant and recessive genes. 

The study of genetics was a fledgling science back on Alternia. Hemospectrum politics were such that even small experiments like the one Kanaya was doing now, were a surefire way to get yourself culled during the old regime. There were of course scienterrorists who monitored broods, many notable Jade bloods among them, but beyond marking one inferior or superior, the study of genetics was largely suppressed. Highbloods were superior because “genetics” and lowbloods were inferior because of “genetics” but anyone who dared to ask why, or look further, quickly disappeared in one way or another.

Kanaya smiled at her little pea pod plants before looking at the door nervously, such innocent looking things would get her killed less than a generation ago. Despite knowing that Feferi was different, that the regime had changed, and that she was on a ship in the middle of uncharted space, it was difficult to get out of old habits, to pull yourself out from old fears.  She marked each plant and set up a chart to mark down which plants were bred with which, and what traits their offspring would have.

It was a small rebellion, but it was her rebellion.  Kanaya put her plants under a grow light and smiled proudly, her hands on her hips, there were definitely perks to being lead botanist in-

Suddenly an alarm sounded through the ship’s oxygen plant, red lights flashing, a pipe above the greenhouse swelling with a groan of metal before bursting, sending the little sprinkler it was attached to careening down, hitting one of Kanaya’s workers between the eyes, yelping before they collapsed to the ground, water gushing onto her plants uncontrollably.

Kanaya sighed.

She contacted facilities and engineering and eventually got the water stopped. She stood with Phil the facilities manager, both of them standing ankle-deep in mud and looking up at the burst pipe.

Phil scratched his beard in thought. “Yeah unfortunately this sprinkler system was custom made for the ship. We’ll have to melt down some scrap metal and pour it into the industrial 3-D printer.”

Kanaya frowned up at the twisted and corroded metal “Why would this have happened?”

Phil sighed, he pointed at the lengths of tubing crisscrossing the ceiling. “See these pipes were outfitted with the express purpose of piping only water through. Someone has been mixing the feed water with fertilizer, and while that may be excellent for the plants, it’s been eroding the pipes pretty gosh darn steadily.”

Kanaya flushed. That had been her idea.

Whoops.

Kanaya sighed. “ My apologies, that was something I outfitted myself as a time saving initiative.”

Phil shrugged and patted her on the back. “Just ask facilities next time, we could have installed an exterior unit to fit over the sprinklers to mix in fertilizer just before it comes down.” Kanaya stiffened. Humans were too touchy and even with months spent with them she was still acclimating.

Kanaya looked worriedly up at the sprinklers. “Time frame?”

Phil rubbed the back of his neck. “Well all that custom metal piping...each piece 3D printed by itself, then fitted together….” He threw up his hands with a grimace “Two, maybe three weeks?”

Kanaya’s lips pressed together in a hard line “The plant’s won’t survive without water for three weeks-”

“It’s ok miss Maryam!” A worker stepped up, their green eyes wide and genuine, the red outline of where the spigot prominent where it had struck them “We’ll just do it the old-fashioned way.”

 

A week later Kanaya still didn’t know what the worker meant exactly by “The old-fashioned way” but she had to admit that the plants were looking as nice as ever. She took a stroll through the oxygen factory, looking for a place to put her peapod plants. They were getting larger than what could fit in her office and since they had already produced seeds for testing she saw no reason to not donate them to the food-growing plots of the greenhouse.  Kanaya was delicately picking off a browned leaf from one of the plants absentmindedly. Being distracted as she was, it was a miracle she dodged the bucket as it fell.

The bucket crashed to her feet, spilling blue fluid across the stone path through the garden. Kanaya reeled back with an astonished shriek, tripping over another previously unseen bucket, sloshing towards her she had to scramble to not let the fluid touch her. She jumped up with a yelp as the fluid dripped toward her, she clawed up a nearby tree, her talons digging into the bark.

Kanaya put a hand to her chest, breathing hard. Now in the tree Kanaya was about level with a confused human on a ladder. The worker was looking over at her, concern wrinkling their brow, another bucket of blue liquid sitting at the top of the ladder with them.

“Are you alright miss?” They asked, pouring the blue slurry into one of the slots on the curved greenhouse wall where vines were planted, blue striping down the white walls to Kanaya’s absolute horror.

“Yeah, Miss Kanaya are you alright?”  Another worker asked below her, their hand swirling in a bucket. Another worker carried two full buckets, sloshing with blue slurry past them.

Alright. THAT WAS IT.

Kanaya stood on the branch, absolutely enraged. She pointed at the workers below. “And just WHAT IN THE WORLD DO YOU THINK YOU’RE DOING WITH THAT SLURRY?”

The workers stopped their work to stare at her. One worker froze where they had been dumping a bucket of blue slurry on a tomato plant. Kanaya shivered with disgust, for goodness sake people EAT THOSE.

The blue color reminded her uncomfortably of Equius and the thought made her gag. She didn’t want to think of that sweaty jerk filling a bucket. She swallowed down a bit of bile and struggled to look at her workers directly.

“What do you mean Miss Kanaya?” A worker chimed in, their eyes wide and innocent despite the full bucket in their hands “We’re only watering the plants.”

Kanaya ran a hand down her face. “While I appreciate your dedication, why would you choose slurry to- I mean where did you even get that much- how-” she stuttered.

The same worker chimed in again, their big green eyes blinking with confusion “Slurry?”

Kanaya looked down at her crew with confused horror.

“See miss-” The worker stooped down to a bucket, their blond curly hair bobbing. Kanaya reached out a hand, willing him to stop, but heedless he took the bucket and carried over to a garden spigot on the wall. They filled the bucket with water and then took a scoop of blue powder from a canister labeled ‘Miracle Grow’ and sprinkled the powder into the bucket. “It’s just water with a bit of fertilizer, miss.”

The worker then reached down into the bucket and swirled the liquid with their hands.

Their bare hands.

Kanaya climbed down her tree, padding over to the worker gently, and removing their hand from the bucket with the air of an exasperated mother who had caught their toddler playing with their own excrement. She gripped them by their rolled up sleeve. “That is enough Jamie, thank you.” Kanaya grimaced with revulsion as his hand dripped with blue liquid.

Kanaya took out a tissue and wiped her hands before pulled herself together, she clapped once and addressed the crew, her tone serious and even. “Please. For the love of all you deem sacred. Never do that again.”

The crew murmured with confusion and Kanaya continued “Please don’t ever water the plants with a bucket ever again. Furthermore, please find an uncolored fertilizer.”

“-but miss Kanaya…” Someone began to argue, and Kanaya put a claw up to silence them.

“Get rid of the buckets. Now.” Kanaya ordered.

Dirk was in his workshop, tinkering with a new attachment for the Felicia drones when a clanking from the hallway got his attention. He leaned out of his office chair to look out the workshop door but couldn’t see anything.  Dirk paused his work, stretching before going out to investigate the noise. A small man was gathering a stack of blue-stained buckets onto a cart, the stack was taller than him and he struggled to get the last bucket to the top of the stack.

Dirk approached him “Uh hey...You work in the greenhouse right? Jamie was it?”

The worker turned around to give Dirk a bright smile. The Kawaii was off the damn charts. “Yessiree! That’s me!”

Dirk looked up at the impressive stack of buckets, splattered with blue around their rims “What are you doing with those?”

Jamie frowned and rubbed his neck “Well I don’t know why, but Miss Kanaya banned the use of gardening pails in the greenhouse. She asked me to get rid of them all.”

Dirk hummed “Weird. She didn’t tell you why?”

Jamie shook his head “No but she seemed really upset.”

Dirk shrugged. It was difficult to predict what trolls would be offended by. Equius nearly passed out when Dirk drank a cup of blue raspberry koolaid, but never told him why. He only stuttered and kept apologizing, wiping his brow feverently with a towel. It took a week for him to look Dirk in the eyes again. He made sure not to drink koolaid in the office after that, even if he wasn’t sure what was going on. Sometimes Equius would be offended by something while other trolls wouldn’t think of it twice. Sometimes something would offend other trolls while completely going over Equius’ head. Aliens are weird.

“I’ll take them off your hands if you’d like.” Dirk offered. They seemed like perfectly good buckets. Dirk hated wasting anything.

“Really?” Jamie perked up like an overeager puppy. Fucking Kawaii as shit they’re like that troll Nepeta that hangs out with Equius. “That would be great!”

Dirk nodded “Yeah it’s always nice to have containers to store stuff in. Robotics parts get messy.”

Jamie grinned and passed the cart handle to Dirk “Then by all means!”

A troll happened to walk down the hallway at that time, looking down at their holopad and humming to themselves.

Jamie waved “Hi Eeliih!” He chirped.

The bulky troll  was tall with long dreadlocks that reached the center of their back, each dreadlock ended with a little silver cap and their dreadlocks were tied back into a low ponytail. Their horns were long and straight, giving accentuating their already impressive height. They looked up from the holopad to smile and wave back, but paled at the massive stack of buckets, their ears flicking down. He looked from Jamie to the buckets and then back to Jamie. He opened his mouth and then closed it. He edged cautiously into the corridor.

“hey...Jamie….” He spoke slowly, edging along the wall as far away from the buckets as he could, eying them with revulsion in his eyes “...Are you ok?”

Jamie blinked. “Yeah I’m ok why wo-”

Jamie yelped as the much larger troll picked him up by the scruff of his uniform, bent awkwardly to stay as far away from the buckets as possible. “Gah!” Jamie squeaked as he was lifted over the troll’s head “Eeliih?”

The troll didn’t answer, only backing out of the corridor, looking distrustful at the buckets. Dirk could hear the troll speak from the next hallway over, their voice echoing down the corridor, rage and worry coloring their voice “Tell me who made you do this Jamie. Who sexually harassed you? I’ll kick their ass.”

“What?” Jamie asked incredulously before the pair moved too far away for Dirk to hear their conversation.

Dirk shrugged.

Weird.   
  
  


Dirk and Dave pondered the large stack of buckets Dirk had procured, matching thoughtful looks on both of their their faces. Dirk was hoping to see Equius when he came into the engineering section, maybe he could help him find a use for these, but he only found a note saying he was off with Nepeta.

Dave hummed. “Why the hell did you agree to take forty buckets again?”

Dirk smacked his arm half-heartedly “Shut up. I hate seeing things go to waste.”

Dave scrolled through a couple of decorating sites on his holopad. “Oh hey check this out-”

[ http://www.architectureartdesigns.com/25-marvelous-diy-bucket-ideas/ ](http://www.architectureartdesigns.com/25-marvelous-diy-bucket-ideas/)

Dirk looked over the decorating tips. “Oh hey they made a bucket into a lamp.”

Dave kept scrolling “I was thinking more this one. See they put buckets over the workstation to make like, little cubbies to put shit in.”

“That is fucking cool.”

“Fuck yeah.” Dave nodded “Let’s mother fucking Martha Stewart this shit.”

Dirk and Dave applied the buckets sideways to the wall above the workstation, screwing each bucket in place and testing it’s hold to the wall before screwing on another bucket.

“This is fucking cool.” Dirk began to fill the cubbies with screws and bolts.

Dave rubbed his hand across the stained metal. “Wish this blue shit would come off though.”

Dirk shrugged “It’s not hurting anything.”

Dave looked over at the stack of buckets “Well that’s six buckets down, thirty four to go.”

Dirk borrowed a couple of plants from the greenhouse, noting a very frazzled looking Kanaya sitting on the bench besides the koi fish pool, staring into the water as if reevaluating all of her life’s decisions. He filled a couple of buckets halfway with gravel for drainage and then dirt, planting a variety of petunias. He observed with work with pride.

“Equius is going to be so surprised.” Dirk nodded, impressed with himself. “I’m a mother fucking genius.”

Dave hummed as he continued to scroll through the search results for “Bucket ideas”. There was quite a few links surprisingly in Alternian script, but since he couldn’t read Alternian he didn’t bother clicking them.

“Hey Dirk look at this nerd.” Dave passed Dirk the holopad.

 

“Huh” Dirk nodded appreciatively “An entire suit of armor made from buckets.”

“That would be rad as fuck.”   
  


Equius and Nepeta walked together down the hall towards engineering. Upon Nepeta’s insistence they were walking hand-in-hand. Equius’s large hand was sweaty where he held Nepeta’s tiny one, covered by her oversized sweater he had given her for 12th Perigee’s eve, a cat paw printed on the end.

Nepeta seemed nonchalant about the affair, swinging their clasped hands together as they walked, and humming little off-key songs to herself. Equius couldn’t help but look nervously down the hallway every few minutes in case another troll were to come down the hallway. He was still getting used to the idea of such...lewdly public affection...but being on a ship with humans meant that one would be subjected to such easy displays of affection.

Even walking down the hallway with Nepeta now, they passed a human couple giggling as they held hands as if it was a completely normal thing for a couple to do in public. In the old Alternia being connected to someone else was something that could be used against you, something kept as private as possible for the safety of both parties. Culling seasons of course made physical attachments mandatory, but advertising your attachment to someone else was asking for trouble. It was a common practice for such attachment to be taken advantage of, moirails of highbloods were routinely kidnapped for ransom, especially if they were more vulnerable lowbloods. Even with a new regime, away from Alternia on a ship with some of the most ridiculously friendly aliens, there still was a part of him that felt cautious.

Everyone was still dealing with the scars of the old regime in their own ways. Nepeta hid food in odd places, squirreling away necessities for the day her resources were cut off. Karkat still refused to wear his blood color, Equius was still coming to terms with Karkat’s color, be was trying to be better about these things darn it, but it was still difficult. Tavros instinctively shied away from anyone over green, a fact that Vriska mercilessly exploited. Sollux sparked defensively at anyone who surprised him.

Nepeta tugged on his hand and Equius came back from his revelry.

“Whatcha thinkin about?” Nepeta asked, looking up at him, her big green eyes wide “You have that serious business look on your face.” Nepeta smiled, her little fangs showing “is it about that crush mew have?”

Equius flushed, beads of sweat breaking out over his forehead. “No I-”

Nepeta tugged on Equius’s hand, hanging off him completely as she giggled. “Oh fur fuck’s sake! I know mew like him!”

Equius rolled his eyes and took her under an arm, Nepeta giggled as she was carried “Language missy.” he grumbled.

Equius’ human co worker was an interesting specimen. When Equius first saw that he was going to be working with a human in the engineering department he was a bit flabbergasted, shouldn’t a human be regulated to an area less...intellectually strenuous? Humans had only been in space for a hundred years by the time Alternia had made contact, and they had only traveled intergalactically with the help of Alternian technicians and shared technology in exchange for their help with the grub crisis.

Dirk has surprised Equius though. He had proven himself to be extremely intelligent, his robotic designs, always elegant and efficient. While he did not always understand the nuances of troll culture, the incident with the-

Oh dear lord that infernal blue raspberry kooliad.

His tongue was-

His tongue was-

It was stained BLUE.

Regardless of that...incident… Dirk was observant and always remembered what had upset Equius, asking politely what exactly it was that had bothered or angered him, and then doing their best to rectify the situation. Never acting as if it was a burden or an inconvenience, simply quietly making sure Equius was comfortable. Humans often tended to overstep boundaries when helping another, making pale advances they didn’t seem to be aware of, Dirk however seemed to grasp where a troll’s boundaries were better than any other human Equius had met.

Dirk was intelligent, patient, observant, level-headed and competent. He spoke calmly and self-assuredly, his words drawled out like dripping honey. He smiled crookedly and when he laughed it was almost inaudible, more of a huff of breath than a proper laugh. He always wore his angular shades, Equius had never seen his eyes before but with such a noble constitution it must be something quite high and-

Another troll stalked onto the hallway, a struggling human held under one arm, a dark look in their cerulean eyes.

Equius almost jumped away from Nepeta but she held onto his hand tightly, looking boredly back at the other troll. The other troll squinted at Equius and growled, their teeth bared. It was quite brazen for someone lower than himself on the hemospectrum, Equius stared back confused and Nepeta hissed back at the other troll.

“Oh my gosh Eeliih!” The human huffed and struggled under the troll’s arm “Will you stop? What is even with y-”

The troll then held out the little human, sticking him almost directly into Equius’ face. Equius came face to face with the little human, their blonde curly hair mussed and their eyes big and green.

“Is THIS the troll who did it?” The cerulean shook the little human gently.

The little human huffed “Eeliih stop! You can’t just point me at every blue blood on the ship! For the last time I wasn’t-”

Eeliih shook the human a little harder “Come on Jamie! Help me bring the pervert to justice!”

Jamie kicked his feet and huffed “No! It wasn’t him! Will you just listen when I say that nobody-”

Equius looked at the other troll inquisitively “What is this ludicrousness about?”

The other troll brought the little protesting human back under their arm. He looked at Equius and Nepeta seriously, his face drawn. “Someone is sexually harassing the humans.”

Nepeta gasped, bringing her little pawed sleeves to her face “That’s clawful! Are mew pawsitive?”

The other troll nodded grimly back at them, they looked both ways down the hallway looking to see if anyone else was around. They leaned in to whisper “Someone has been bucket dropping.”

Nepeta and Equius reeled back with a gag. 

“Bucket dropping” was a particularly heinous form of sexual harassment, so named when one would “drop” a used bucket on the target’s doorstep. It was crass and disgusting, hemospectrum politics often played a role in these unwanted advances, with more often than not low blooded targets and high blooded perpetrators. It was more common before culling seasons, as a way to say ‘Do me or be culled’. Under the new regime it was frowned upon, but with the new government still struggling with anti-murder laws, and a populous still struggling to adjust to a new wave of thinking, legislation was slow on the issue.

“Do mew know…” Nepeta grimaced and twiddled her thumbs “The um...color?”

Equius looked down at her astonished “Honestly Nepeta! That’s disgusting!”

The troll looked back at them and grimaced, shrugging a bit “All I could tell was that it was anywhere from high green to blue when I saw the...pails... between the engineering sector and-”

Equius’ ears swiveled forward his face in absolute shock. “Did you say the engineering sector?”

Nepeta looked up at Equius, her face grim and knowing. “Go find them and kick their furking ass.” She encouraged.

Equius took off running towards his and Dirk’s shared office, panic across his face “DIRK I WILL DEFEND YOUR HONOR!”   
  


 

Equius ran down the hallway, his long hair flying in every direction, his glasses falling down from his long nose, sweating and panicked. He was so frazzled he almost ran right past the office, he backpedaled, skidding across the smooth floor before turning back into the office. He forgot that the door was electronic and in his haste he rammed his shoulder into the metal door, shaking the walls around it and knocking the door from its frame.

The metal slammed to the ground, bent into a battered curve where Equius had slammed into it. “DIRK DON’T WORRY I WILL-”

Dave and Dirk were standing on the table, shoddily made swords in hand, interrupted during a mock battle. Dave wore a helmet that had been fashioned from one of the buckets. Dirk wore a crown made from another bucket, what was once the bottom of the bucket had been cut out and the rim had been cut into spikes.

Equius stood there, his hair mussed, his glasses sitting crookedly on his nose, breathing heavily from running. Absolute horror and confusion across his face, his eyes darting to the walls, now outfitted with bucket cubbies, the petunias near the doorway having been planted in their own buckets. Both humans, buckets sitting on their heads, stared back at him.

Having been displaced by Equius knocking down the door the hanging lamp Dirk recently installed swung back and Hit Equius in the face, denting the new re-purposed bucket lampshade.

 

Equius made a strangled sound in the back of his throat, paralyzed where he stood in the doorway. His hands clenched and unclenched at his sides, his forehead and his neck were slick with sweat.

“Equius?” Dirk ventured, speaking as slowly and as calmly as he could. He pushed up his bucket crown. “Talk to me. What’s wrong?”

Equius was hyperventilating, Dirk could see his eyes with his shades pulled down his nose and the pupils were reduced to sharp slits “I-You-Buckets-Why”

Dirk saw Equius’ eyes roll back into his head. He ran to the door to try to catch Equius as he began to fall. “FUCK SHIT!” Dirk skid across the floor of the lab and in an impressive feat of acrobatics flipped over the falling Equius, maneuvering himself behind Equius’ back in an attempt to keep him upright. The burly unconscious troll proved too much for Dirk to keep upright by himself, though he was able to slow Equius’ fall and cushion his head so that it didn’t smack into the smooth flooring. Dirk’s shades fell from his face

Nepeta and the other troll jogged into the hallway just in time to see Equius fall into hallway with a clatter of metal. Dirk cushioning Equius’ head in his lap, the bucket crown falling from Dirk’s head. 

Dave peeked his head out of the office, lifting up the grate on his bucket helmet. “Yo is sweaty buff troll guy ok?”

Eeliih growled “The bucket bandit has claimed another victim.”

Nepeta rushed to Equius’ side “Oh my god! Equihiss! Are mew ok!” She leaned over Dirk to smooth back some of Equius’s hair.

“FOR FUCK’S SAKE!” Jamie screamed from under Eeliih’s arm.

The troll gasped and held Jamie upright “JAMIE! LANGUAGE!”

Jamie glared back at him, bristling and just about as threatening as an angry kitten. “NOBODY SEXUALLY HARASSED ME EELIIH! My boss Kanaya Maryam gave them to me to-”

Eeliih gasped and put up a fist, a dark look coming over his face. “I must kill Kanaya Maryam.”

Nepeta stood up from the unconscious Equius “But that can’t be right!” Kanaya is a good Furriend!”

Eeliih was already jogging towards the oxygen plant, an indignant Jamie under an arm.

Nepeta  looked down at Dirk and Equius, her green eyes large and worried “Is it ok if I leave him with mew? I think I should go get security.”

Dirk nodded “Yeah don’t worry. I’ll take care of him.”

Dave turned towards Nepeta, his bucket helmet clanking as he nodded at her “Well you happen to be in luck lady, I happen to be the head of security”

Nepeta gave him a flat look. “Yeah right bucket head.” Nepeta turned around and jogged out of the hallway.

Dave stared as she left. “Rude.” Dave stepped over the unconscious Equius. “Well being head of security and all I should probably stop that guy from murdering someone else.” He pointed a finger gun at dirk as he left “Later Nerd.”

Dirk flipped him off and Dave laughed as he jogged down the hallway towards where the other troll ran off to, his helmet clanking the entire way.

Dirk turned back to Equius. He gently removed Equius’s shades so they didn’t poke against his face awkwardly. This close up he could see a couple of black freckles against Equius’ grey cheeks. Equius murmured unconscious. Dirk smoothed his hair away from Equius’ forehead absentmindedly. Equius’ eyes flicked open.

Equius looked up at the human, their blonde hair touched with gold, haloed against the light, his brows were furrowed with concern and his iconic sunglasses were missing. Equius gaped up at him. “Your eyes…” He murmured, his head still spinning and his throat suddenly dry. “They’re golden…”

Dirk started, touching his cheeks, he hadn’t noticed. He leaned over Equius, they were so close, only centimeters apart and-

Dirk picked up his sunglasses and put them back on.

Equius didn’t know why he was so disappointed at that, but didn’t pause to examine that particular feeling.

Dirk looked down at him. “Let’s get you up alright?”

Equius flushed with embarrassment, only now realizing what must have happened. He nodded.  Dirk helped him to his feet, Equius’ large arm draped over the smaller human’s shoulders. Dirk led him to a seat by the workbench, taking some of Equius’ weight and depositing him gently in the chair. Equius flushed at the attention.

“Alright.” Dirk sat across from him “I’m going to turn on the light and you can tell me what happened.”

“I didn’t mean to startle you.” Equius flushed and twiddled his thumbs “Forgive me if I-”

Dirk went to turn on the lamp and-

Equius stared at the lamp, his ears flicked down and his mouth pressed into a harsh line.

Dirk noticed Equius’ reaction, looking from Equius to the lamp and back to Equius again. Dirk took decisive action and like a giant housecat swiped the lamp from the table, letting it fall to the floor with a clatter.

Equius blinked surprised and Dirk looked back at Equius. “So it was the buckets?”

Equius nodded. Equius paused, seemed to make a decision and reached across the table, taking Dirk’s hand. Holding up Dirk’s hand with a level of tenderness that made Dirk blush. Equius looked at him earnestly, noble and concerned.

Dirk felt like a pretty princess.

Hell.

Fucking.

Yes.

Equius looked at Dirk, his brow pinched with worry “Dirk, is someone threatening you? Harassing you sexually?”

Dirk blinked behind his glasses. “...uh…”

Equius leaned forward. “I truly hope that this isn’t too forward, and I hope you don’t view this as a pale solicitation but-” Equius ducked his head, overcome with a sudden bout of shyness, he looked at Dirk through his lashes. “Because if someone is I can uh...I hope you know that I can...protect you…”

Dirk and Equius stared at each other. Dirk’s hand held like a delicate flower and Equius sweating bullets. Both of them were blushing blue and red respectively.

Dirk coughed and cleared his throat. “So buckets have a….”

Equius nodded and cleared his own throat “A sexual connotation yes.”

Dirk looked back at Equius and rubbed a hand across the back of his neck “A human from the oxygen plant was throwing them away after they found out they made Kanaya uncomfortable…”

Equius’ ears flicked back “Oh.”

“We should probably stop that other troll from killing Kanaya.” Dirk offered.

“Yes we should…” Neither Dirk nor Equius moved from their seats. Equius was still holding Dirk’s hand. He ran a thumb across Dirk’s knuckles absentmindedly.

Dirk pulled his hand from Equius’ gently, immediately regretting it. Equius pulled his hand back and pressed them against his thigh, fidgeting awkwardly.

“Come on.” Dirk rose from his seat, Equius following him “Let’s go save Kanaya from being murdered.”   
  


 

Terezi was lounging in the security office, sitting in Dave’s chair, her feet up on the desk. Bored with licking the security cameras she began linking paperclips together in a chain. She reached for another paperclip and growled when she couldn’t find one.

“Come on…” She opened the drawers on Dave’s desk and sifted through the overflowing papers and highlighters “I know there has to be more in here…”

Terezi paused as she came across a box. She brought it to her mouth to lick, reading the letters printed on the side of it. “...Magnum large? Ribbed for her pleasure?”

Terezi opened the box and took out a little square foil package “What the fuck?” She poked at it with a claw and something squished slimily inside the little package. It was sort of similar to the packages of human candy Dave sometimes brought to the office. She licked across the front of it.

“Ribbed for her pleasure.” Terezi threw up her hands “WHO’S PLEASURE?”

She opened the little package and immediately smelled red. Something slimy oozed across her fingers. She leaned down the sniff the stuff. Huh. Smells like raspberries. Terezi shrugged. Fucker had been holding out her with the candy. She popped it into her mouth.

This was one of the worst candies Terezi had ever tasted. It tasted like plastic and was slimy against her tongue. It didn’t feel like regular candy...Maybe it was gum? She remembered Dave bringing a package to the office one day and laughing when it got stuck in Terezi’s teeth.

She shrugged again and tried to blow a bubble in it. The little thing inflated quite nicely, extending past her lips in a long cylindrical bubble, a flappy little bit on the end.

Dave popped into the office, the bucket clanging as he ran “Terezi I was just in the Engineering section and witnessed a troll threaten to-” He paused and looked at Terezi through the grate of his bucket helmet. “....Is that a condom?”

Terezi looked at Dave. She stood up, the condom still dangling from her mouth. She sniffed the air around Dave. “...Is that a bucket?”   
  


 

Kanaya was sitting on a bench in the oxygen factory, questioning her life choices when a troll burst in suddenly, one of her human workers draped across his shoulders like an indignant sack of potatoes.

The cerulean troll had long straight horns and dreadlocks that draped across their back. They stared into the area obviously enraged and on some sort of mission.

The human slapped their hands across the troll’s back “Eeliih! Stop! For the love of-”

“Don’t worry Jamie.” Eeliih gently put the human down and tenderly kissed their forehead “I will defend your honor.”

Jamie choked on an enraged sound, his face turning red.

“KANAYA MARYAM!” The Cerulean stalked into the space “SHOW YOURSELF!”

Kanaya sighed. Oh what fresh bullshit was this. She stood up and smoothed down her skirt. “I am Kanaya Maryam.”

The Cerulean glared at her “Wait You aren’t the right color.” He came to a realization and pointed a clawed finger accusingly at Kanaya “Thought you could cover up your tracks by putting another color on them could you?” The cerulean squinted at Kanaya disgustedly, baring their teeth “Well I see right through your plan.”

Kanaya was not in the mood for this. “What plan?”

Eeliih put his hands on his hips “Sexual harassment!” They engaged their PCD and a glowing broadsword materialized in his hands “You sexually harassed my innocent little human muffin-”

Jamie screamed in rage in the distance.

Eeliih continued “So prepare to die.”

Kanaya was done with all of this. She growled and engaged her own PCD, a glowing chainsaw rattling to life as it appeared in her hands “If you wish to test me then so. be. It.”

Eeliih rushed towards Kanaya his sword bared. Kanaya was too quick for him though and had the advantage of familiar surroundings. She lept into one of the oxygen factory trees, jumping down from the high bough and onto the Cerulean who barely had time to deflect what would have been a savage blow with his broadsword.

“I!” Kanaya swung her chainsaw savagely, forcing the Cerulean to cede ground as he blocked a blow he could feel in the bones of his arms. “Did! Not! Sexually! Harass! Your! Human!” Each word was punctuated with a vicious blow. Eeliih bent back to avoid Kanaya as she slashed, embedding Kanaya’s chainsaw into the wood of a tree and severing one of Eeliih’s dreadlocks.

Eeliih clutched his severed dreadlock and rallied back, slashing back at Kanaya who deftly dodged his attacks. Kanaya jumped onto a tree bough, jumping off as Eeliih brought down his sword and severed the tree. “LIAR!” He yelled back at her.

Eeliih grabbed at Kanaya as she jumped, catching her by the ankle. Kanaya yelped at Eeliih threw Kanaya, flying through the air through towards the glass wall of the oxygen factory.   
  


 

Jade was in her second floor office, motioning excitedly to a diagram as she explained something to a group of scientists. “See the readings we’re getting from this section of space are distorted, I have a theory that in some places the barrier between universes is thin enough that we could punch a hole in reality itself and-”

Kanaya slammed into the window face first from the inside of the oxygen factory. Starling the scientists in Jade’s office, who yelped and stepped away from the window. Kanaya peeled from the glass and fell back into the oxygen factory below. She brought out her chainsaw and plunged it into the thick trunk of  tree, slowing her descent back down into the oxygen factory.

Kanaya could see Eeliih in the garden below. She hissed and brought her chainsaw in front of her, baring down on Eeliih, her skirt fluttering and her teeth bared. She roared and-

Terezi and Dave burst into the oxygen factory. “NOBODY MOVE!” Terezi screamed, the red condom still dangling from her mouth like a deflated party blower. Dave burst in behind her, the bucket helmet still on his head. “STOP! SHIP SECURITY FORCE!”

Jamie squinted at Terezi. “...is that a condom?”

Eeliih gaped at Dave. “...Is that a bucket?”

Distracted by the bucket on Dave’s head Eeliih was unprepared for Kanaya’s attack, knocked down as Kanaya jumped onto him viciously. Terezi lept into action, engaging her sword and jumping  onto Kanaya, doing a double backflip before elegantly kicking Kanaya off the other troll.

Kanaya laid dazed on the Oxygen factory ground. Terezi took her hands and from her PCD produced a glowing pair of handcuffs. “Kanaya Maryam you are under arrest.”

Dave moved Eeliih to his stomach and produced another pair of handcuffs “Same for you troll guy I have never met before.”

Eeliih looked dazedly up at Dave as he was handcuffed. “....why are you wearing a bucket?”   
  
  


Rose sat in her office, her ankles daintily crossed. Dave and Terezi stood on either side of her, glaring down at the two prisoners. Rose looked over the two prisoners, her lilac eyes glinting with amusement.

“Oh my.” Rose smirked and laughed, low and smokey. “What dangerous criminals.”

Kanaya flushed with embarrassment, her cheeks turning jade. Eeliih turned away guiltily. Rose turned to Dave. “Dave. Why did you bring these miscreants to me?”

Dave shrugged. “There’s some kind of cultural thing going on.”

Terezi shrugged and blew another bubble in the condom she was chewing. “Seems like a pretty open and shut case to me.”

Dave glared at her. “Stop chewing that condom.”

Terezi glared at him and slowly blew out another bubble, inflating the little plastic sack. “No.”

Rose turned towards the prisoner and took up a piece of paper on her desk. “Now according to your statement, you were attacking Miss Kanaya to-” She looked down at the paper “-to protect your sweet human muffin from sexual harassment.”

Eeliih flushed and pointed to Kanaya. “SHE WAS BUCKET DROPPING I-”

Kanaya leaned towards him and bared her teeth “I WAS NOT! THAT IS DISGUSTING!” Kanaya turned up her nose and looked down at the other troll “The humans were using them to water the plants!”

Eeliih gasped. “And you ALLOWED this?”

Kanaya gnashed her teeth “No you IRREDEEMABLE IDIOT! That’s why I asked Jamie to throw them away!”

“But then why didn’t Jamie-”

Jamie flung open the door in Rose’s office “I TRIED to tell you! SEVERAL TIMES!”

Eeliih’s ears flicked down. “...oh…”

Rose looked between the two trolls, her fingers in a steeple. “Well then if you’re no longer trying to kill each other I would say that we’re done here.” Rose clicked a button on her desk and the cuffs on both trolls disengaged. Kanaya and Eeliih stood up, rubbing their wrists confused and embarrassed.

Jamie grumpily pulled a profusely apologizing Eeliih out of the office. Dave and Terezi got bored and wandered out. This left Kanaya and Rose alone together. Kanaya felt self conscious under the other woman’s lilac gaze, she smoothed down her hair nervously and picked at her torn skirt.

Rose chuckled and Kanaya could feel a shiver run up her back.

Rose looked up at her and cocked her head, arching an eyebrow and smirking. “Well Miss Maryam? Will this become a regular occurrence?”

“I-uh-” Kanaya stuttered and blushed before pulling herself together. “I assure you that it will not.”

Rose chuckled and smiled mischievously “That’s too bad. You’re the only woman as of yet to brighten my day with chainsaw related shenanigans and occurrences.”

Kanaya couldn’t help the quick burst of laughter that escaped her lips, she raised a dainty hand to stifle her laughs.

Rose offered her an elbow as if Rose was a dashing man in a feature film and Kanaya was the lovely lady. “Well Miss Maryam would you mind joining me for a nightcap? We could get you fixed up and you can tell me all about this unusual occurrence.”

Kanaya smiled, brushing back a stray lock of hair behind a pointed ear. “I would be happy to accompany you Miss Lalonde.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey Everyone! Sorry for Jamming in OCs. They were kinda meant as an easter egg to connect to my other fic series "Movies and ghosts au" where Eeliih and Jamie (in human form Eli and Jamie) worked in Karkat's movie studio.
> 
> Please comment what you thought! I love hearing from you and I will always answer any questions you have or anything!
> 
> If you do want to help a gal out, and you are interested in Cryptids, mysteries, ghosts or Victorian London, it would be Super hecking helpful if you would check out my story "Mothwoman and the Professor" on my page. I've decided to go for it and wrote an actual book so thoughts and reactions to it are REALLY helpful at this stage.
> 
> Anywho- I'm Outie! I will update "Thor God of Thunder, Sitter of babies" next and then we will have THE LAST CHAPTER OF MINNIE AND CROCODILE DAD!!!!! Oh and then some more updates of "Harley Quinn and Deadpool BFFS 5-Ever.
> 
> Later gators!


	18. Nepeta

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Karkat finds a planet that may hold another left over terraformer from the early age of colonization.

Karkat stood in front of the long-range communicator in his office, the lights casting dark shadows across his face. He ran a hand through his hair and shook his head “WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO RECORD! THERE HAS TO BE A RECORD SOMEWHERE!”

On the other end of the communicator Feferi shook her head, a pair of finely wrought gold reading glasses perched on the end of her nose, her hair swaying above her head in the current. “I’m sorry Carp-kat.” She sighed and brushed a strand away from her face, strings of pearls swirled through her hair “If the Empire ever colonized that section of space, the Condescension shrimply took great pains to erase all evidence of it.”

Karkat sighed and looked at Feferi, tearing at his hair. “Fef I SAW the terraformers! We were here until SOMETHING just wiped us all out!”

Feferi sighed and took off her reading glasses, tapping them delicately on her pink painted bottom lip. “You said that the terraformers were mechanical? That’s early celestial technology...” She bit her lip and twirled a lock of hair around a finger. “There are seadwellers here older than I am, Ozainu, Laquda, Orchad, Karokk, I’m sure most of them were alive during the second wave of expansion. They gill know, but it’s hard to overcome a century of silence imposed by the Condescension.”

Karkat crossed his arms and sighed. “We already know of one colony that was completely wiped off the map like it was nothing. LIKE IT WAS NOTHING FEF!” Karkat threw up his hands and began to pace back and forth in front of the screen. Feferi watched him stalk back and forth, her mouth pinched with concern.

Karkat turned from the monitor, glowering, his eyebrows furrowed. “SOMETHING is out there with the power to destroy entire colonies, the mural made by the salamanders in the terraformer showed that it happened with one shot. Only ONE shot!”

Feferi sighed “I’ll keep working on my end Karkat, but this whale not solve itself, I’ll keep fishing.” She reached for the communicator “Fef out.” and with that the private line connecting Karkat to the empress was disengaged.

With the communicator disengaged the room went dark. Karkat slammed his hands on his desk, his red eyes seemed brighter in the darkness. He was breathing heavily, his slitted eyes wide. He took a moment to compose himself and with a sweep of his hand a monitor obediently came to life. Karkat flicked through the report regarding the Salamander’s planet, coming to a three-dimensional model of the terraformer, with a swipe of Karkat’s fingers he zoomed in on the model to inspect it closer.

The mural that He and John had found on the inside of the terraformer that day showed largely on the screen, the figure floated above the hills of the salamander planet, large and serpentine, dressed in flowing golden robes, tail curling behind her, sword in hand.

Karkat looked at the small figures in the mural around her, trolls running from the waves of energy that emanated from her, their faces contorted in agony, screaming with their hands above their heads as the energy overtook them.

Karkat glowered at the figure in the center, the being with the power to destroy entire colonies.

What ARE they?

Suddenly a bright flash of light filled the room, Karkat hissed and threw up a hand to shield his eyes.

John stood in the open doorway, his eyes wide and an eyebrow arched. “Why are you sitting in the dark?”

“GODDAMNIT JOHN!” Karkat hissed and rubbed his eyes “I’M BROODING DRAMATICALLY HERE!”

John gave him a flat look. “Yeah….well Mr.Broody McBrooderson if you have a moment in your busy brooding schedule-”

Karkat rolled his eyes “I GET IT ALREADY”

“-to quit BROODING for a moment, and come and look at a couple of new planets we’ve found.” John finished.

Karkat trudged past John and into the hallway, his back arched and his teeth bared “FINE. I’LL LOOK AT THE STUPID PLANETS.”

John followed him as he left, the short troll stomping down the hall. “You’ll thank me later.” John smiled and put his hands behind his back. “Your snake lady will still be there when you get back.” He closed the door behind him “Besides, too much brooding is bad for your-”

“SHUT UP ABOUT THE BROODING ALREADY.”

  


John and Karkat arrived on the bridge, John smiling serenely and Karkat hunched over and growling to himself. Jade met them there, her lab coat loose around her, her hair wild around her face and practically buzzing with excitement.

Jade jumped up and down at the sight of them, clapping her hands together nervously. “Where have you guys been?” She threw up her hands dramatically and slumped over like she had been waiting a million years “THERE IS SCIENCE TO DISCOVER!”

John motioned towards Karkat “Well Broody here-”

Karkat yelled exasperated, throwing up his arms and tearing at his hair “FUCK OFF WITH THE BROODING ALREADY!”

John leaned in towards Jade, hissing out a theatrical stage whisper “...He isn’t done brooding yet.”

Jade leaned back and gave them both an ostentatious wink paired with a couple of finger guns “Well I know EXACTLY what will get you to stop brooding!” She took a remote from the pocket of her lab coat and pressed a button, the main monitor on the bridge engaging. Jade hissed out a breathy scream mimicking a crowd of excited people. “New planets!!! Ahhhh!!! wooo!!!”

“Ok!” Jade grinned and pressed a button on the remote, showing a side-by-side view of both planets. One planet was lush with odd-looking greenery, knobby and bulbous plants bloomed everywhere in fantastic gardens teeming with life. The other planet was a dry wasteland of swirling orange brown sand, blowing across the camera with a terrible growl.

“Two planets!” Jade brought her hands up with a happy squeal. “So we have a choice between Planet A and Planet B!” She giggled, twirled and raised the remote with a flourish, pressing more buttons, flipping through the cameras of multiple Felicia drones currently on the planet. Fantastic scenes showing across the monitors, waterfalls that flowed before crystallizing  into solid sapphire, criss crossing ropes between the tops of odd bulbous trees where tiny bird-colored people with insectoid wings hung their painted homes like christmas ornaments, blue sunsets over orange sparkling seas, fish leaping out of those seas only for them to unfurl their many-jointed wings and fly off into the sky like oversized dragonflies.

“Ok!” Jade continued to flip through more and more fantastic scenes. “I really don’t think that it’s a question at this point!” On the monitor tiny brightly colored jewel-like aliens flittered their little wings, happily gathering glowing berries while giggling and skipping.

Karkat huffed disgusted as he watched the tiny little aliens join hands and begin to sing in a circle. “Ew. gross. What about the other planet?”

Jade shrugged and pressed another button on the remote. The screen filled with scenes of a dry inhospitable desert, sand perpetually blowing across cliffs worn into fierce trenches by the constant onslaught. Scraggly muted bushes clung to life, gathering in every crack and crevice protected from the wind. The Felicia drone skittered across the harsh landscape, their scanners raking red light across the ground, the sensors inside of the drone sending warning signs to the ship regarding volcanic activity and unbreathable atmosphere.

Jade’s tablet beeped as a message came in from the Felica drone. Jade looked down “Felica 42 says that the planet is “Gross and itchy and smells like feet” also they would like to inform us that next time they want to go to the fun planet.”

Jade rolled her eyes, her hands on her hips. “Hey both Felicias got a perfectly fine planet. We don’t see Felicia drone 33 complaining now do we?”

Felicia drone 33 giggled electronically, tapping to of their bug-like legs together as a village of tiny jewel-like aliens held hands in a ring around her, singing sweetly and dancing. She did her best to dance along, bouncing up and down in her ceramic-like casing.

Felicia drone 42 grumbled, stupid 33 getting all the good assignments.

The droid scuttled along the barren wasteland, nothing but gross dry rocks and gross sand on this giant gross planet.  An odd lizard popped out of a burrow by the drone. The lizard seemed to be headless, only a pair of stone-colored scaly shoulders and a single pair of scrabbly taloned feet, a long spiked tail flicking back and forth. A hidden circular worm-like mouth opened up where the head should have been and the lizard hissed at the droid. Felicia 42 reared back and squeaked electronically.

The crew on the bridge of the ship watched as the dust storm on the desolated planet lessened, allowing Felicia 42’s cameras to see large pieces of jagged metal half-buried in the sand, looming like a rusted and weather-beaten behemoth, the wind howling through the half-hollow machine like an anguished howl.

Karkat’s eyes widened, stepping towards the monitor, his red eyes gleaming with its light. “It’s…..It’s another terraformer…”

Something roared inside of the machine, loud enough that the pebbles besides Felicia 42’s legs shivered with it. The headless lizard peeped and retreated back into their burrow.

A dark shaggy shape crawled out of a rounded port in the machine, thick talons the length of a forearm digging into the metal. White and grey cloudy blind eyes swirled in their sockets, moving independently from each other like a chameleon until they focused in on the Felicia drone. The creature howled and jumped down from the looming machine, cracking the stone ground underneath them as they landed.

The creature had a face almost like a cow’s skull, elongated, cracked and skinless. Their eyes were wide and pupil less, like wet silver coins set into their face. Sharp and blunt teeth alike crowded into the creature’s maw, thick saliva dripping down from their mouth and nostrils. They were hunkered over like a shaggy-haired gorilla, black fur thick and matted, back arched and braced on their strong arms. Their skull-like face separated into four sections, jaws opening on both the X and Y axis, the entire inside of their mouth covered with mismatched teeth, a couple of long striped grey-green tongues waving back and forth as they roared.

Felicia 42 immediately put up her cloaking, she shimmered out of sight and shot up into the air in retreat, bobbing up like a frantic ping pong ball into the swirling dust storm. The monster howled and leapt into the air, reaching one taloned hand towards the retreating droid.

The creature’s claws raked across the bottom of the droid, piercing and scratching the Felicia’s hull but the droid escaped, screaming electronically as they rocketed up into the sky and back to the safety of the ship.

The creature slammed their front paws on the rock outside of the half-buried terraformer, roaring back up at the retreating robot. The shaggy monstrosity stared up at its retreating prey before it crawled back up the side of the derelict terraformer and disappeared into a torn hole on the side.

Karkat’s hands curled into fists, watching as the camera feed from the Felicia drone 42 rose farther and farther from the machine. He turned towards John and Jade “We’re going there.”

“Oh come on! What about the adorable planet?” Jade put up her hands, pressing a button on her remote where the camera feed from Felicia drone 33 showed that the tiny multi-colored alien villagers were currently weaving together a flower crown for the droid. Felicia 33 accepted the gift with a pleased electronic hum.

Karkat shook his head “It was a terraformer Jade, that means this planet is another abandoned colony. There might be some clues about what we’re dealing with.”  


 

Dirk wrapped a blanket around drone 42 who was shivering in her dock, kneeling beside her and rubbing a hand across her plating, concern furrowing his brows. Felicia 42 leaned farther into his touch, beeping out frightened complaints. Were she a smaller robot she might have tried to climb into Dirk’s lap, but as a 10 foot tall hulking mass of steel plating and wiring she knew that wasn’t possible. Equius nearby worked to fix the plating that had been torn by the creature’s claws, he ran a hand down one jagged tear, his hand fit easily into the gap and his brows furrowed when he realized just how large the creature’s claws must have been.

“Shhh shhh you’re ok.” Dirk petted the droid’s plating and Felicia 42 squeaked out what sounded like an electronic sob, using one leg to pull the blanket around her tighter.

Felicia 33 whistled to herself, still wearing the flower crown the peaceful bird villagers had made for her. She skittered jauntily back to her docking station next to Felicia 42.

Felicia 33 leaned over and peered at Felicia 42, beeping out some sort of query about her state. Felicia 42 growled and extended one leg to knock the flower crown off of Felicia 33.

Felicia 33 booped sadly.

Equius ran his hand down the torn metal on the plating he was repairing, anything organic would not have survived a blow like that. He turned towards Dirk “...They aren’t really sending in ground teams are they?”

Dirk sighed and tightened the blanket around Felica 42, typing a few programming commands into his tablet and easing her into a gentle sleep cycle. “Yeah, the last I heard. I don’t know why Karkat is so set on this.”

Equius sighed. “During the regime, we were told that the empire’s colonization was rapid and unstoppable.” He huffed and gathered a few scraps of metal and a blowtorch “Like it was destiny, that somehow we were gifting the universe with order, that we were DESTINED to give order to the universe.”

He hummed as he continued to repair the plate. “We all have scars from the brutal reign of The Condescension, highbloods were insulated from most of the problems, but Nepeta has been helping me to see what was there all along.” He ran his blow torch across one side of the jagged metal, heating it so it could be mended back together. “They told us that all resistance was moot and short lived, and that is was because we were so much STRONGER than the rest of the universe. It’s jarring to know that the empire lied about this, that there was someone or something strong enough to not only stand against us, but to defeat us.”

Equius didn’t quite seem to be aware of what he was doing, staring at the flame of the blowtorch, his thoughts a million miles away. Dirk gently reached over and turned off the tool, the flame flickering out before putting his hands gently over Equius’, prying the tool from him and setting it on the counter.

Equius suddenly seemed transfixed with the contrast between their fingers, Dirk’s smaller tanned hands peeking over his large grey ones. He hummed in the back of his throat. “Not only that but think of how many people were lost.” Equius’ voice was lower than normal, gravely with emotion “Entire colonies full of people.”

Dirk’s emotions were nearly unreadable behind his glasses, though after spending months with the alien Equius was beginning to read his small tells, the changes in his breathing, the way the muscles of his face would move to suppress a smile or a frown before it would appear. His hands were so warm against his.

Equius licked his lips, trying to think of how best to continue. “Alien and troll life alike...” He looked away from Dirk and stumbled over his words for a moment. “Before I arrived on this ship I couldn’t see how anything not a troll could really, truly be a person…” He forced himself to look at Dirk directly “But then I met you and-”

The door opened behind them, John walking through before pausing at the scene in front of him “Is this a bad time?”

Equius shrieked and jumped backwards, tripping over a rolling office chair and falling to the ground. Dirk sighed and glared at John “What. Do. You. Need?”

John looked over at Felicia 42, wrapped in a blanket and going through a deep sleep cycle. “How is she doing?”

Dirk sighed and crossed his arms, looking over at the droid worriedly. “She’s shaken up, anyone would be really.”

John nodded “I need to make sure that the same thing doesn’t happen to anyone else.”

Dirk drummed his fingers against his bicep where his arms were crossed “That’s...vague…”

John rubbed the back of his neck, alternate PCD forms, shields, we could use anything at this point.”

Dirk sighed. “Or you could just NOT go down to the planet ever think of that?”

John shook his head “I know that this is far from ideal-”

Dirk’s shoulders tensed “IDEAL? FELICIA 42 NEARLY GOT SLICED TO RIBBONS!”

John sighed and continued “-but I tend to agree with Karkat on this one, there’s something out there with the power to wipe away entire colonies of people with a single shot, we need to know as much as we can about it, and if investigating these terraformers can help us do that…”

Dirk looked away with a heavy sigh. “I’ll make some adjustments.”

John smiled at him “Thank you.”

“Yeah…” Dirk looked at where the mangled plating sat on Equius’ work bench “I hope whoever is going will be ready for this.”  
  


 

Nepeta Leijon tightened her boots, a grim air of determination around the team chosen to go on planet. Tavros sat across from her in the locker room, making some adjustments to his prosthetic legs.

Nepeta looked at him, smiling “Those look mew. A lot less like they were salvaged from a trash heap.”

Tavros smiled back at her. “Uh yeah! Humans are a lot better at the aesthetic stuff than uh... trolls are.” He smiled proudly down at the new limbs “Equius and Dirk built them and Jane helped me get outfitted for them!”

The sleek plating seemed to mimic musculature, wiring glowed dimly beyond the panels as Tavros tightened something on the inside of the mechanism with a tiny screwdriver. He then popped the panel back into place and rolled the grey silicone back over it.

“Hey! So that’s where you two nerds have been!” Vriska sauntered into Tavros and Nepeta’s corner of the locker room. Her own prosthetic arm clearly visible now that she was wearing a tank top, she hardly ever bothered with silicone overlays though, preferring the look of the metal “I bet you a week’s worth of chore duty that I can kill the thing down on the planet.”

Tavros rolled his eyes and tugged on his boots. “That uh...that sounds like a good way to uh… loose your other arm there Vris.”

Vriska huffed and tossed her hair over a shoulder, looking down at Tavros with a sneer “Yeah well at least I have another arm to lose, you can’t exactly lose another leg now can you?” She turned away from them and stalked down the locker room hallway, slamming open lockers closed testily.

Tavros flicked her off the moment she was turned away.

Nepeta looked back at him “Mew ready?”

Tavros nodded “Yeah uh...as ready as I’ll ever be…”  
  


 

Karkat stood in front of the ground team. “ALRIGHT ASSHOLES NO FUCKING AROUND THIS TIME.” Karkat glowered at the audience, his fangs bared in a sneer. “THIS ISN’T A PLANET FULL OF FLOWERS AND PRETTY BLUE DEER LIKE THE FIRST PLANET, THIS ISN’T A DEAD PLANET FULL OF IDIOTS LIKE THE SECOND PLANET, AND THIS ISN’T A RAINY PLANET WHERE ONLY ME AND JOHN DO ALL THE HARD WORK LIKE THE THIRD ONE.”

Tavros leaned in towards Nepeta to whisper “You know I uh...did think that was kinda weird…”

Karkat stalked back and forth in front of them like a drill sergeant in front of their troops. He engaged a holographic presentation, a three dimensional model of the terraformer showed on screen. “WE NEED TO KNOW WHAT WIPED OUT THE TROLL COLONY THAT USED TO BE HERE.” Karkat looked down at his PCD and engaged a new function, the metal smoothing over his hand like a gauntlet, the palm glowing green. “Thanks to Dirk we have a new data download function to the gauntlets, touch the control panel and all relevant data should be transferred to the computer core on the ship.”

Karkat fiddled with the holographic projection and this time the model of the terraformer was replaced with an animated model of the beast, running in their odd gorilla-like way, jumping, roaring as their jaws separated into four parts. Karkat looked at the horrified audience “NO FUCKING AROUND BECAUSE THIS IS THE FUCKER CURRENTLY FUCKING AROUND IN THE FUCKING TERRAFORMER!”

John nodded at the team and engaged his own PCD. “There are also upgraded weapons and shields. I’ve also unlocked some of the heavier artillery options.”

Vriska grinned, her eyebrows going up “Sweet.”

Karkat glowered at the audience “Well pack your shit. We’re going to get that fucking information.”  


 

 

The team destined to be on planet were loading into a pod. Nepeta tested her new PCD functions, long deadlier-looking claws appearing on her knuckles with a flash of sparkling blue energy. Tavros tested the shield function on the PCD, pairing it with his usual lance.

The team was dressed in heavy duty off planet suits, thick rubber banded with flexible steel wire as an added measure to protect them from slashing damage without restricting movement.

The team was loaded onto a transport pod, Eridan was already inside, looking out the window with his arms crossed, Vriska sat across from him a smug smile on her face, Tavros kept looking through the options on his PCD, restless as he worried over what to do when they saw the creature. Churro was loading equipment into the back, long oblong pieces of white ceramic machinery gifted to the team by Dirk and Equius for this mission. Ruth sat in the pilot’s seat, fingers drumming restlessly against the steering mechanism of the pod. None of them spoke, silent and poised for the mission ahead of them.

Nepeta had her helmet under an arm, walking towards the pod, her mouth set into a harsh line as she prepared herself for the mission.

“Nepeta!” Nepeta turned around to see Equius jogging after her. His brows were pinched with concern, he put his hands gently on her shoulders. “I cannot allow you to do this. Pretend to be sick. I have seen the damage this creature can do firsthand.”

Nepeta smiled gently and reached up to put a hand on his chest. “Mew know I can’t do that Equihiss…” She bit her lip and stumbled over her words for a moment. “I am a furry skilled huntress with an excellent combat score.” She shook her head “If I don’t go somebody else will have to go, someone who isn’t as prepurred as I am…”

Equius sighed, he leaned down and wrapped his large arms around her, tucking his head into her neck. “Just be safe out there.”

Nepeta smiled and petted his long hair. “Will do.”  


 

 

The ride down to the planet was tense. Karkat glared out the window the entire time as if to will the already rocketing pod to go faster. John looked after him with worry. Nobody spoke, nobody screamed as they plummeted through the atmosphere of the harsh planet, flames licking the sides of the pod, the pod jolting and shivering.

Ruth broke the silence, clearing her throat awkwardly “Be ready for landing. We are as close as the last GPS tracking point that the Felicia drone sent.”

Karkat turned towards the group “Keep your helmets up and engage the scanner function, the dust storm outside makes it almost impossible to see.” He was oddly quiet, staring out into the desolate scarred landscape as if it had personally wronged him.

The pod touched down on the planet, sand swirling around them and hissing as it passed the windows of the pod, a group of disgusting headless lizard scattering as they came. They crew put on their helmets, clicking into place and creating an airtight seal with a hiss of pressurization. The doors of the pod were opened and a rush of sandy air flowed in, scratching against their suits and rocking the pod slightly. They braced themselves against the wind and trudged out into the storm.

John pointed at Ruth and Churro “Stay with the ship and be ready to make a quick getaway.” Churro and Ruth both nodded and saluted him.

The group struggled out into the storm, stepping slowly as the wind pushed against them.

“ENGAGE YOUR FUCKING TRACKERS.” Karkat yelled into the com line as he stepped into the storm “I’M NOT GOING TO LOSE ANY OF YOU FUCKERS OUT HERE. ALSO TURN ON THE SCANNER FUNCTIONS IN YOUR GODDAMN HELMETS.”

Each crewmember touched a button on the sides of their helmets, their view of the wasteland in front of them was immediately overlaid with a translucent grid line, allowing them to keep track of where the ground and the horizon was in the brutal storm. A GPS tracker came to life at the side of the readout, pointing each member in the direction of the derelict terraformer.

“Alright ladies…” John looked out into the storm and raised his PCD, a large blaster forming from light between his hands “Let’s get this show on the road.”

An ominous chorus of hisses sounded from around them, scuttling and scratching. The helmets warned their users of multiple entities, marking them with moving red dots on the grid surrounding where they were.

Through the hazy curtain of swirling sand headless lizards scrabbled closer, hissing and scratching their talons against the rocky ground. They stomped their single pair of feet, opening up their worm-like mouths to screech at the explorers.

Nepeta engaged her PCD, long wicked looking claws sprouting from her knuckles, Eridan’s harpoon gun came into being, blue energy shimmering beyond hard planes of light. Tavros called up his usual lance, pairing it with an energy shield in the other hand. John aimed his blaster and Karkat’s sickles quickly formed in his hand.

The first lizard jumped at the group, their worm-like maw open and screeching tendrils swirling from their mouths. Eridan aimed at the lizard mid-air and shot a glowing harpoon bolt, spearing the little creature that screamed and writhed before finally going limp, the harpoon now separated from the PCD dissolving into nothingness. Tavros knocked lizards away with his lance, Nepeta clambered onto his shield and she used it as a launch point to jump through the air, slicing lizards in half as they screamed and hissed falling to the ground in bloodied clumps, their thick honey-colored blood oozing into the sand. Karkat sliced as the lizards lept, beheading a trio that had latched onto his suit. John kept shooting the blaster, charred and plasma burnt lizards in a pile around his feet.

Eridan grunted and ripped a lizard off his uniform that had been trying in earnest to bite through the thick suit. Vriska stood by, she put a hand to the front of her helmet as she yawned.

“You knoww.” Eridan growled and shot a trio of lizards with the same harpoon, spearing the little pests like a kabob. “You can get off your ass and help!”

Vriska smiled, her fangs glinting against her dark painted lips. “I wouldn’t want to spoil your fun...Besides I’m saving myself for something more...substantial.”

A roar sounded through the clearing, Vriska smiled and stepped forward, her PCD glowing where it sat on her hand. “Finally. See unlike you losers I didn’t just get certified in one PCD weapon form…”

The sand around them shivered, a pair of glowing pupil-less yellow eyes were exposed in the sand storm. What must have been some organic cloaking device drained away slowly, revealing a creature, still half invisible in the swirling sand. The creature was eye-level with them where they slinked closer on all fours, it was built like a tiger, muscular and cat-like say for the thick jagged scales lining it’s body that gave it its cloaking ability. The cat creature’s scales shifted colors, purple to red to yellow and back to red, thick tusks like a sabertooth exposed as it roared.

Vriska laughed “I got certified in ALL of the weapon forms!” She pointed at the tiger creature and grinned viciously engaging a randomization function on the PCD computer “So let’s see which one I’ll use to KICK YOUR ASS!”

The tiger charged for her, roaring, their tusks exposed. Vriska lept into the air as well and the computer on her PCD chimed in notification that the randomization function had chosen a form. A sword formed in Vriska’s hand and she slashed at the creature, glancing off of the creature’s scales for the most part but doing some damage, a trail of shimmering semi-translucent blood from the creature flicked onto the sand and the creature howled. Vriska used their scaly head as a springboard and jumped away from the creature, the randomization function on the PCD chiming once more. A flash grenade now resting in Vriska’s palm. She grinned “PERFECT!” she threw it on the ground and the crew had to look away from the small explosion of light. The creature howled discombobulated, shaking their head back and forth to try and will away the temporary blindness.

The creature regained itself and set its eyes on Karkat. It roared and began to charge again, their huge paws pounding against the sand.

Karkat brought up his sickles in front of him “Shit.”

The creature jumped, their massive claws outstretched and-

John yelled and brought his hammer down on the tiger creature’s side, knocking them off course and sending them careening for a couple of yards before they dug their claws into rocky sand to slow themselves. They looked back at John and roared.

Karkat looked up at John, his shoulders in a tense line and his hammer bared, his eyes hard as he looked at the creature, breathing hard and his teeth bared.

Holy shit.

John spun his hammer deftly and seemed poised to take a running attack, probably to smash the creature’s skull into goo. Nepeta raised her hand.

“Wait!” Nepeta put away her claws, inching slowly towards the creature.

The creature was bloodstained, a cut across their face from Vriska’s sword, a couple of harpoons from Eridan’s gun sticking out of a shoulder. They backed away from Nepeta slightly and roared.

Nepeta picked up a lizard corpse, testing it her hand before tossing it towards the tiger. “We don’t want them. You can have them. You can have them...”

The tiger’s scales shifted from red to purple to a shocking yellow to purple again. They looked distrustfully at Nepeta and back at the lizard corpse. The growled half-heartedly one last time before pawing at the dead lizard to bring it closer. Their scales shifted from bright purple to a more muted lilac, to powder blue, to white and then lilac again. They took the lizard and ate it ravenously.

Nepeta threw it another one. It ate it again.

Nepeta threw a third one and the creature held it in its mouth, looking at the group warily before it turned and walked back into the dust storm, Limping away and trailing silvery translucent blood, their scales turning them practically invisible once more.

Karkat was still panting from the fight. “Good thinking Nepeta.”  


 

 

The rest of the trip to the terraformer was uneventful, the group all had their weapons at the ready. The area around them was horribly silent say for the swirling dust storm as they approached the terraformer.

Karkat nodded at the group. “THE THING IS AROUND HERE SOMEWHERE. WE STAY TOGETHER AS A GROUP AND WATCH EACH OTHER’S BACKS. NO SPLITTING UP BULLSHIT OR I WILL CUT YOU ALL MYSELF DO I MAKE MYSELF CLEAR.”

The group nodded solemnly.

John clapped and pumped his fists “Alright. Teamwork. It makes the dream work.”

Karkat rolled his eyes.

The group climbed inside of the terraformer. The sounds of the dust storm quieting as they entered the dark machine.

“I never thought I would see one a these…” Eridan ran a hand across a metal panel. “We really did have mechanical tech way back then huh…”

Tavros shone his flashlight across the general area. Rows upon rows of glass boxes lined the walls, each box had been smashed, whatever they had contained long gone.

Vriska looked across the room “I read about his.” her own flashlight shone across a couple of rusted and derelict office chairs and a metal desk. “Terraformers were like their own little ship. Trolls would detach from the mother ship and come down to the planet to colonize. They would live out of the terraformer until they made other buildings…” She looked back at the glass boxes, wires from machinery around them poking into them. “It looks like ancient scienterrorists used this as a place to do some kind of experiments….”

Nepeta bit her lip. “Alright this is weirding meowt.” she shuddered as she looked at the glass boxes “I’m going to keep going furward.”

Tavros nodded at her, bringing up his lance “I’ll uh..I’ll cover you…”

Vriska and Eridan shrugged, following the two others. Karkat and John were investigating the desk, looking through the drawers looking for a datapad of some sort.

John opened the bottom drawer and arched an eyebrow. “Why did this guy have a bucket in this drawer?”

Karkat kicked the drawer closed “REASONS.”

“But wh-”

“REASONS.”

Nepeta opened a door and immediately paled with horror. “Katkin Karkitty….I think you should see this…”

Karkat trudged up to the door and looked over Nepeta, Vriska and Eridan who were all gaping at whatever was in the room “Now what is it that you had to-”

The beast that the Felica drone had encountered filled the entirety of the room, snoring soundly, their matted black fur rising and falling with their enormous breaths. Their head was resting on a raised mechanical panel as if it was a pillow. Karkat recognized what it was from the last time he was in a terraformer.

It was the fucking control panel.

Karkat hissed and ran his hand over the front of his helmet “FOR FUCKS SAKE.” He hissed as quietly and as forcefully as he could “FUCK YOU UNIVERSE.”

John popped up by the group “Hey guys what are you- OH MY GOD!”

Karkat slapped his hand over John’s mouth, or really the helmet over John’s mouth but the meaning behind the gesture was conveyed regardless “SHUT UP OR YOU’LL WAKE IT UP.”

Nepeta eyed the scene, looking at the slim spaces of the room not currently filled with the creature “Guys I think I can do this.”

John shook his head “Nepeta no I can’t let you do this, we’ll figure something else out.”

Nepeta squared her shoulders “I’m smaller than all of mew...and furry acrobatic. I can jump in there, download the data and jump out without waking it up.”

Karkat’s brows furrowed “Nep I don’t know about this…”

Nepeta frowned and gestured to the panel “It’s been living in here Karkitty! Who knows when it will accidentally destroy the panel. Purrlease I can do this!”

Karkat frowned at the panel and looked back at Nepeta. “Ok. but don’t push your luck Nepeta.”

Eridan shook his head “This is fuckin’ nuts!”

Tavros but his lip “Nep are you uh...are you sure you can do this?”

Nepeta nodded “Covfur me guys I’m going in!”

The group brandished their weapons and Nepeta transitioned into a handstand. With expert precision Nepeta flipped into the room, landing silently on one tiny little foot in the middle of the room which happened to be just about the only square foot of floor not occupied by the beast. She flipped from the floor to the control panel, walking on her hands across the panel until she came to a keyboard. She carefully sat down on the panel, mere inches from the sleeping beast’s face.

Nepeta swallowed hard and engaged the data transfer ability on her PCD “Ok Nepeta.” She whispered “You got this.” She put her hand on the control panel and the machine hummed to life.

Shitty music blared over the speakers. “Oh no!” Nepeta looked at the screen where an animated troll jumped around with animated confetti falling around them “The scienterroroist that manned this machine had just gotten a shitty electronic hatch-day card!”

The shitty e-card continued to blare a very loud congratulations to the scienterrorist who has received it thousands of years ago and the creature growled and opened their silvery eyes, rolling in their sockets before focusing on Nepeta. Nepeta’s shoulder’s tensed. “Crap.”

The creature raised their paw but before they could take a swipe at Nepeta, Tavros’ lance rocketed through the air, pinning the monster’s massive paw to the monitor of the control panel.

Tavros looked at Nepeta, eyes wide and panicked “NEPETA RUN!”

Nepeta jumped off of the control panel just as the monster wrenched its paw from Tavros’ lance with a spray of dusty grey-green blood. It whirled around to face the group, it’s jaw opening in four sections, spittle spraying across the room as it roared.

Eridan opened fire on the beast shooting bolt upon bolt into its thick hide. It howled and slammed down its paw into the gun, knocking Eridan down and breaking the gun into a thousand points of scattered light. As it moved in the small room it knocked Nepeta back into what looked to be a chute of some kind. Nepeta screamed and summoned the claws of her PCD, scrabbling at the rim of the chute desperately trying to keep herself from falling into the seemingly endless black.

“Nepeta!” Tavros summoned another lance and rushed into the room.

“TAVROS YOU STUPID SHIT!” Vriska jumped into the room, pressing the button on her PCD that randomized the weapon it gave her. “COME ON GIVE ME SOMETHING GOOD!”

Vriska’s PCD chimed and-

“OH COME ON!” Vriska shook the slingshot in her hands “A FUCKING SLINGSHOT?”

The creature took a swipe at Vriska but she was too fast, shooting off a couple of hard light projectiles from the slingshot that exploded on impact. The creature reeled back with a howl.

Vriska looked at the slingshot “huh.”

Karkat turned to John “We need to lead it away so they can get Nepeta!” John nodded and shot his blaster into the ceiling “Hey you stupid shit! Come over here!”

Karkat did a jerky little dance at the mouth of the room, waving his sickles in front of his knees “COME ON FUCKFACE OVER HERE!”

The beast looked over at John and Karkat with a growl, despite John and Karkat’s best efforts though its attention was diverted however to Tavros crossing the room trying to get Nepeta.

“Hang on Nepeta!” Tavros yelled, a panicked look in his eyes.

“Tavros!” Nepeta scrambled to gain purchase on the chute, her claws ripping through the weakened metal.

Tavros reached for Nepeta’s hands “Come on Nep! I’ll help you up!”

Nepeta’s eyes widened as she looked behind him “TAVROS RUN!”

Before Tavros could move though a heavy paw slammed down on one of his legs, crushing the metal with a horrible crunch of wires and metal plating. Tavros screamed as the mechanical limb was wrenched from its socket. The shock wave knocked Nepeta off balance and with a scream the small troll fell down the chute.

“NO!” Tavros reached for her but her little hand only brushed against his before Nepeta fell, disappearing into the darkness.

“FUCK YOU!” Karkat rushed into the room, his sickles bared. The monster took a swipe at Vriska which she expertly dodged, but this gave Karkat an opportunity to climb up the monster’s forelimb. His sickle dug into the thick matted fur of the beast as he climbed. He reached the head and with one hand twisted into the beast’s fur he began to slice at it.

The monster reared back with a screeching roar, its tongues waving in every which direction. This gave Eridan a clear shot of its middle, firing harpoon after harpoon into the exposed underbelly. The harpoons littered the beast’s flesh, only about an eighth of the way through the thick hide.

John slid into the room, his PCD shifting from a blaster to a large hammer once again. He roared out a battle cry and swung hard at one of Eridan’s harpoons, hammering it into the beast like a nail into a coffin. Karkat yelped as the tip of the harpoon went through the animal’s back next to where Karkat had been, skewering it entirely.

The beast slumped to the floor, gagging and sputtering. Vriska picked up Tavros’ prosthetic leg, cerulean blood trickling from her mouth. She raised the leg above the beast’s head “Stay down bitch.” and with that she brought the false leg down over the creature’s head in a ruthless hit.

The creature slumped over motionless.

Tavros gave Vriska a flat look. “And you uh...had to use my leg for that why?

Vriska shrugged and slung the leg over her shoulder like a sack of potatoes “Whatever dork it worked didn’t it?”

Tavros’ mouth was pressed into a harsh line. “Just give it fucking back and help me get Nepeta out of the hole.”

Vriska’s eyebrows quirked and she looked down at Tavros haughtily “Well with that attitude maybe I WON’T give it back did you think of that?”

Tavros kicked at her shin and Vriska yelped and dropped the leg, clutching her shin and hopping up and down on one foot “MOTHER FUCKER!”

Tavros took back the leg and clicked it into place. The silicone was shredded and when he stood up the wires sparked at the knee and the bending mechanism was slow and sluggish.

Eridan looked down the hole. “NEPETA? ARE YOU OK?” when there was no response he looked back to the group, stood up and brushed off his pants. He shrugged. “Wwell Nepeta is gone forever. Wwe tried.”

Suddenly a small grey hand reached out of the hole and Eridan jumped back with a scream. Nepeta clambered out of the hole, her face placid as she looked at the others. She held her PCD in her hands in front of her, looking at the group in an odd way.

Vriska looked at Tavros’ leg and then up at him. “Hey are you-” She put a hand on his shoulder only for Tavros to shrug it off.

“Yeah.” Tavros shrugged off her hand, nodding, his brow creased. “I’M FINE.”

Vriska rolled her eyes “Are you still mad about the leg thing?”

Karkat went over to Nepeta, putting a hand on her shoulder. She looked back at him, her eyes wide and expressionless. “Nep are you ok?”

Nepeta shrugged off his hand “I’m fine.”

Eridan leaned over her with a squint. “Are you sure you’re fine? You don’t look vvery fine. I mean not in the looks department...I mean I guess if you like olivves I mean in the yanno-”

Vriska hit him on the arm and Eridan shut up.

Nepeta nodded, her eyes wide and her face placid. “vvery fine!”

Tavros squinted at her “Did you just mimic Eridan?”

John crossed over and took a look at Nepeta, a small smear of olive blood painting the inside of her helmet. “I think she might have hit her head. We should get her back to Jane.”

Nepeta nodded “I’m fine!”

Karkat shook his head and rolled his eyes “You obviously aren’t fine! We need to get you back to the ship.”

Nepeta rolled her eyes “Obviously.”

Karkat gave her a flat look. “Having a head injury doesn’t mean you get to be sassy to your Captain, come on.”

Tavros took Nepeta’s hand, his prosthetic leg limping behind him “Come on Nepeta we-”

Something in the room snapped audibly, a loud crunching crack that sounded through the room. The group looked back where the creature laid, their head was moving back into its original position before Vriska had hit it savagely over the head. Its fingers twitched and its jaw clenched, the hole where John had knocked Eridan’s harpoon through its body was slowly closing.

Nepeta squeaked and tugged on Tavros’ hand.

“YEAH I THINK NEPETA HAS THE RIGHT IDEA!” Karkat’s eyes were wide as the monster slowly righted itself, their bones audibly clicking back into place “FUCKING RUN!”  


 

 

Churro and Ruth were sitting in the pod, sharing a pack of twizzlers and watching a Sailor moon episode on one of the monitors.

Churro had a twizzler hanging out of his mouth, the red candy bobbing as he chewed. He motioned at the screen “You ever notice that their plans just get worse and worse? For an evil organization they really have shitty recruitment. Nobody ever has good ideas...”

Ruth shrugged “How well do you think your evil organization would be running if all you could offer was minimum wage and getting beaten up every week?”

Churro was about to retort when a garbled signal came through on the com link. Ruth fiddled with the communicator controls, pressing her headset in closer to her ear “Captain? Is that you?”

“YES IT’S FUCKING ME YOU SON OF A BITCH!” Karkat screamed over the com line. The group was running from the beast, bounding slobbering after them, their four hinges jaw open and howling. “HOW MANY OTHER FUCKING CAPTAINS DO YOU HAVE ON THIS PLANET?”

John shrugged as he ran, Tavros slung over his shoulder bawling while shooting his blaster at the monster that was quickly gaining on them “Well there are more than one of us give her some credit for-”

“SHUT UP JOHN!” Karkat screamed over the com line “FUCKING SHUT UP!”

Eridan turned awkwardly as he ran, shooting as best as he could at the creature, harpoons skewering the creature like a demented hedgehog but the beast just kept coming.

Ruth looked out of the pod window, watching the group approach on the horizon, being chased by the hulking monstrosity. “Holy fuck….”

Ruth hopped out of the pilot’s seat, opening up a latch in the pod to the cargo section and pulling out the long oblong packages gifted to the team from Dirk. Churro helped her drag them out of the pod.

The group was running closer, the beast on their heels, its tongues could practically lick across Tavros’ face it was so close.

Ruth pushed a button on the oblong package. The machine sprouting three tripod legs, the top part of the machine swiveling and reorienting itself in a haze of spinning and glowing machinery and wires. Ruth had her hands over the two joysticks that made the controls of the machine, a targeting system coming online.

“HIT THE FUCKING DECK! NOW!” Ruth screamed as she targeted the monster behind them.

Everyone dropped to the sandy ground. Nepeta kept standing until Tavros took her by the wrist and forced her down to the dirt with them.

The monster jumped, their talons outstretched, about to pounce on the trolls and humans. Ruth fired the gun, a thick beam of energy firing from the barrel, crackling and pulsating. The beam shot through the monster’s chest, cutting a perfect hole in the beast like a cookie cutter through dough, the edges singed and glowing red.

The monster crumpled to the ground once again and ruth laughed “YEAH! THAT’S HOW WE DO IT ON THE STARSHIP SKAIA BE-YOTCH!”

Churro gave her a high-five.

The passengers on the ride back up to the ship were exhausted, slumping over in their seats, scratched, bloodied and bruised after the battles they went through. Nepeta sat up straight, looking over each of the crewmembers curiously.

Tavros’ brow pinched with concern “Nepeta are you sure you’re ok?”

Nepeta blinked “I’m fine!” She shrugged and put a hand to the back of her head “My head.”

Vriska huffed, a long strand of hair moving with her breath “Tavros she’s always been weird this is nothing new.”

Nepeta looked Vriska directly in the eyes “Beee-yotch!”

Vriska stood up in her seat her fists clenched, Eridan and Churro on either sides of her struggling to keep her from Nepeta. She seethed in their grasp, her face contorted with rage “WHAT DID YOU JUST CALL ME?”

Tavros huffed and gave Vriska a flat look “Well yeah you’re uh...kinda being a bitch there Vris.”

Vriska sat back down with a sneer, crossing her arms and looking out the window. “Whatever.” She grumbled “She’s the bitch not me.”  


 

They arrived back on the ship tattered and bloodied, bone tired as they trudged out of the pod. Jane met them there, her arms crossed and tapping a high-heeled foot on the floor, disapproving of the pitiful sight before her.

“Well come on now.” Jane sighed “We should make sure there is no lasting damage.

The group was sterilized, their skin cleaned of any contaminants they could have brought from the planet below. Jane sat behind a large machine, her nurses setting up a large booth with an electronic screen.

The group was getting undressed in the locker room, stripping out of their trashed and bloodied suits. Nepeta watched with unabashed interest, still in her full uniform. She leaned over Tavros as he took off his jacket.

Tavros looked up at her “You should uh...you should probably get undressed too...Jane will want to see you about the hit you took to your head…”

Nepeta shrugged, her mouth curling into a gentle smile “I’m fine.”

Tavros reached an arm around her and squeezed gently. Nepeta smiled and settled into his touch. “We were uh...worried that you were dead...I’m glad you’re here Nep, I really am.”

Vriska walked past the two of them, stalking down the locker room aisle in just a pair of black panties and a grey sports bra “Come on losers.” She huffed and opened a locker to retrieve a standard issue uniform “We have to go get checked out by the medical nerds.”

Nepeta watched her go. Tavros put a hand on Nepeta’s shoulder and she jumped a bit. “Go to the other side of the locker room and get undressed. I know you went through uh...some scary shit...and you should probably see Equius after this.”

Nepeta nodded and left for the back of the locker room.

Eridan leaned over the aisle. “PSST.”

Tavros’ ears flicked down, his mouth straightened to sour line “What uh...is it Eridan?…”

Eridan looked back at where Nepeta had gone “Is she...wwell is she ok?”

Tavros shrugged and rubbed the back of his head. “She’s uh...she’s shaken up...wouldn’t you be?”

Eridan sighed “Yeah that wwas some messed up shit…”

Nepeta returned to the group, wearing a standard issue uniform. She nodded at the both of them “I’m fine!” she assured them and both Eridan and Tavros shared a look.

The group waited in line, stepping into the booth one at a time, their inner organs showing on the electronic screen. After trial and error with treating trolls Jane found that after dodging several punches from troll crewmembers, it was for the best to adopt non-invasive forms of detection.

Vriska stood in front of Nepeta in line. “ugh...I hate these things...Like it’s better than them touching you, but they use magnets to get the pictures and they make your horns feel weird for an hour after…”

Another nurse tended to Tavros off to the side, outfitting him with a new prosthetic, popping off the old damaged leg and retrieving a new one. Nepeta watched enraptured until Vriska stepped into the booth. She watched as a beam of light raked over Vriska’s body, a map of her organs showing on the screen. Nepeta stared hard at the screen and then back at Vriska.

Jane nodded as she looked through the readout. “Good. good. Some minor swelling and bruising but you should heal fine...Next please?”

Nepeta bit her lip and stared at the machine.

“It’s fine Nepeta!” Tavros called out to her from the side. “I know it feels weird at first but you’ll be fine!”

Nepeta swallowed hard and stepped into the machine. The ray of light raked over Nepeta.

Jane hummed as she perused the readout, adjusting her glasses.

One of Jane’s nurses leaned in towards Jane “Is everything alright?”

Jane bit her lip “I could swear that…” She shook her head and chuckled to herself “No it’s fine...just minor swelling and bruises…”

Nepeta stepped out of the booth. Looking back at the readout she had left, healthy organs. Look at all of those organs. Nice organs. Plentiful organs.

Tavros hobbled over to her, stretching his new prosthetic, testing how it felt compared to the old one. “Hey Nepeta! How are you feeling?”

Nepeta smiled at him “I’m fine! Bee-yotch!”

Tavros chuckled “Is this going to be a thing now?”

Nepeta giggled and nodded.

Tavros looked over the smaller troll’s head, watching as a worried-looking blueblood came barging out of the engineering section. “Hey look it’s Equius!” He smiled and pointed him out to her.

Nepeta smiled. Tavros waved over the other troll “Hey Equius! Over here!”

Equius spotted Nepeta and rushed over to her, relief written all over his face “Nepeta! Thank goodness! I’m so glad that-”

He reached down for her, Nepeta reached back for him but-

Equius stopped himself, pulling back from Nepeta, a confused look on his face. He eyed the smaller troll. “You…..you aren’t Nepeta…”

Tavros’ brow furrowed “Equius...uh... what are you talking about?”

Equius shook his head, his mouth twisting into a snarl “I SAID THAT ISN’T NEPETA!”

Equius’ screaming drew the attention of the nurses. Jane rose from her chair and inched towards Equius. “Mister Zahhak. Please calm down.”

Equius’ eyes were wide the pupils reduced to slits. “NO I WON’T! I SHANT! THIS IS NOT NEPETA!” With a fearsome growl Equius ripped a piece of machinery from the hangar wall, the metal splitting apart with a deafening groan. He held the metal poised above Nepeta, breathing heavily, his fists curling into the metal with his rage. “TELL ME WHERE SHE IS OR I WILL END YOU RIGHT NOW!”

Jane launched at Equius, taking a running jump and jamming a syringe into his exposed neck. Jane jumped back, the now empty syringe in her hands “THAT WILL BE QUITE ENOUGH MISTER ZAHHAK!”

Equius staggered back, his eyes wide and his hands to his neck. “You don’t understand…” He struggled against the drug, staggering towards Nepeta before falling to his knees. “That’s not…”

Equius slumped to the floor unconscious. Jane stood over him with a resigned look on her face. She glanced at Nepeta “Are you alright?”

Nepeta nodded.

Jane sighed and flipped Equius over on his back “We have to take him back to the medical bay for observation.” She pressed a button on her tablet and a pair of medical droids soon arrived, a pair of tall and sleek wheeled bots with red crosses on their foreheads who loaded Equius onto a stretcher, a pair of restraints clicking into place over his wrists and ankles.

Jane sighed “It looks like a psychotic break, highbloods unfortunately are particularly susceptible.” The droids began to wheel Equius out of the hangar. “I’ll let you know when it is safe to visit him.”

Nepeta nodded, her eyes cast downward.

Jane sighed “I’m sorry Nepeta…”  


 

 

After that Tavros walked Nepeta to her room, it was a decidedly pale gesture and he was sure Equius would punch him in the face as soon as he stopped being crazy, but situationally Nepeta had gone through a lot today and while he wasn’t pale for Nepeta, she was still his friend…

“Hey Nep..” Tavros looked at her Nepeta kept her eyes down “I’m sorry today was so weird…”

They were taking the long way to the dormitories from the hangar, hopefully enough time for Nepeta to have time to process before being exposed to other trolls again.

Nepeta sighed.

Tavros bit his lip. “Hey how about we gather something of Equius’? Something for you to remember him by while he is stuck being crazy…”

They crossed over to the engineering plant. Nepeta following close behind Tavros. The area was empty when they arrived, Dirk apparently had gone off to be by Equius’ bedside. Tavros frowned, Nepeta should be there too… She would have been if Equius hadn’t have been so weird…

Tavros flicked on the light. It was weird being in another troll’s space but it was Nepeta and she was allowed...and he was helping Nepeta. “Ok uh...take something of his that reminds you of him...and uh...then we should go…”

Nepeta looked over the workbench with interest. Tavros turned away. This whole situation felt wrong. Equius always treated Nepeta like a delicate flower...The way he had seemed in the hangar had unnerved Tavros. He was so sure that Nepeta wasn’t Nepeta.

Something crashed to the floor, glass shattering around Nepeta’s feet.

Tavros whirled around “Nepeta are you-”

Nepeta stood in front of Equius’ work bench, looking at a long cut on her hand. The cut glowed with swirling pearly energy. The flesh around her hand shivered and flowed like water, reshaping itself, the wound disappearing completely.

Tavros yelped and backed away from Nepeta, running into Dirk’s work bench with a clatter. “Y-y-you! You REALLY aren’t Nepeta!”

The Nepeta looked down at her hand and back at Tavros sadly. Her arm elongated unnaturally, reaching across the room to grab Tavros by the scruff of his uniform. He screamed and her hand melted across his chest, covering his mouth and muffling his cries.

The Nepeta’s other arm elongated as well, opening up a cabinet on the far wall, emptying it of it’s contents. She placed Tavros into the cabinet, removing his PCD and replacing it with the one she had on her. She closed the cabinet, the arm she had been using to hold him oozing back through the small slot inbetween the doors.

“NO!” Tavros banged his fists on the other side of the cabinet doors “STOP! LET ME OUT!”

The Nepeta stepped back from the cabinet, her eyes fearful. She shook her head. Nepeta’s form shifted, her face contorting and elongating, her horns lengthening and curling, growing taller and stockier.

Tavros gasped bringing his hands to his mouth in shock.

From the other side of the cabinet, an identical version of himself slipped on the PCD, testing it gently. The thing looked at the cabinet, their-or Tavros’ brows pinched and they bit their lip.

“S...sssorry…” The thing whispered and with that the thing was gone.

 

 

Nepeta coughed and wheezed, her vision spun around her. Her head ached. Her hands tightened in the gravel around her. She tried to get a bearing on her surroundings “...T-tavros?..... Karkitty?.....”

She groaned and hissed, pressing a hand to her side.

Olive blood was splattered on the inside of her helmet, a wound bleeding sluggishly on her head. She breathed heavily. What the hell happened? Her helmet was slightly cracked and she pushed herself up to lean against the wall of the tube.

Something roared viciously above her and Nepeta reached for her PCD. Her eyes widened when she realized that it wasn’t on her wrist. “No! No! What? Where could it have…”

The roaring grew louder, echoing down the chute Nepeta was in. Nepeta looked up the shaft.

“...fuck.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please comment if you enjoyed! I hecking love hearing from you!
> 
> Let me know what you think! Of my monsters, the Felicias, the Nepeta! Everything! What do you think is going to happen? What will the Nepeta do? Will Equius escape? Will Felicia 42 get a good assignment?
> 
> ALL THIS AND MORE SHALL BE REVEALED!!!!


	19. Of monsters and trolls

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nepeta survives on the planet. The shifter tries to blend in on the ship. A terrible secret is revealed. Lot's of terrible secrets oh my gosh oh no.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone! Sorry for not updating this fic for a while! Also sorry but this chapter is a looooong chapter. I love it though and I hope you love it too! There are some things in this chapter that I couldn't write about until the other fic in this series "Minnie and Crocodile dad" finished. If you are a fan of that fic there are some easter eggs in here for you ;3
> 
> :V anyways! I will be taking a slight break from fanfiction for NANORIMO so I can try and make some progress on my original novel "Mothwoman and the Professor" I will be updating as I complete chapters so if you like Victorian mystery, monsters, cryptid girls who kick ass and my weird sense of humor (you're here and reading this so probably-yeah) then check it out! Extra eyes on a project always help out.
> 
> Anywho get readin' there stuff happening.

Roxy groaned and leaned back in her office chair, spinning dejectedly back and forth. “Karkat I’m flattered that you think so highly of my technical skills but-” She yelled and motioned towards the screen in front of her, endless streams of Alternian numbers scrolling by like ants on a picnic blanket “When Dirk made a data dump function to the PCDs, it really is just a data DUMP!” She bonked her head against the monitor “I mean this is just raw data! Endless, endless, raw data!” She slumped dramatically against her computer “I mean even if I can parse out where one file ends and another begins, Alternia hasn’t used these file types for hundreds of years! I don’t know HOW to arrange the data to make it readable!”

John stood next to Karkat, a befuddled look on his face. “But you’re the tech person…”

John didn’t even react when Roxy yelled and chucked one of her shoes at him, hitting him on the head before bouncing off. “I AM the tech person!” Roxy tore at her hair “Not the omnipotent wizard of all things technological!! THERE ARE FUCKING LIMITS JOHN!”

Karkat growled “Just TRY ok! We went through a lot of bullshit to get it and it may have the secret to what the FUCK happened to this colony, and what wiped them out!” Karkat turned and trudged out of the office angrily “SO FUCKING FIGURE IT OUT!”

Roxy’s other shoe was thrown as Karkat left the office, clanging on the door where Karkat’s head used to be.

John turned to Roxy who was sitting angrily in her fluffy pink socks, seething at the screen in front of her. “I know it’s difficult Roxy, but we really need to know what’s in the data, something... anything would be helpful.”

Roxy frowned “You’re asking me to put together a thousand square foot mosaic mural perfectly. A mural that I have no idea what it looks like, fuck I don’t even know the SHAPE of it! All I have is a billion tiny shards of glass John. John that’s IT.”

John shrugged “Well...do what you can…” He left the room with one last sheepish smile.

Roxy put her head in her hands and groaned. Sollux came back from his coffee run to sit next to her, slurping from the cup in his hands as Roxy let her head fall to her knees with a groan.

Sollux squinted at the data on the monitor, his nose crinkling with disgust. “Thith is thome fucking bullthit.”

Roxy groaned in response. She popped up and put her chin in her hand, tapping one pink-painted finger against her lips. “We need something that can comb through this massive shit load of data, differentiate one thing from another and tell us how the data is to be used.”

Sollux shrugged “After that I have an antique format converter that Karkat uthed to uthe to tranthfer clathic pre-cellethtial movieth into a modern format.”

Roxy nodded and gazed at the rolls of data in front of them. “...but going through data pools by hand will take thousands of years…”

Roxy and Sollux turned to each other and snapped, matching grins on their faces “UNLESS WE USE THE CODEC FROM THE FORMAT CONVERTER!”

Roxy giggled and clapped her hands “We can write a program that automatically sifts the data through the codec from the antique format converter!”

Sollux grinned back at her, already typing something into a monitor “-working until it findth thomething that fits and giving uth the results!”

Roxy rolled her office chair next to his “It’s still going to take a butt-load of time but-”

Sollux shrugged “But iths thomething.”

Roxy smiled and bumped shoulders with him “Yeah! It’s something!”

And with that the nerds happily got to work, typing next to each other bathed in the light of the computer screens.

 

Nepeta coughed where she was at the bottom of the tube, the wound on her head dripping olive blood steadily down her cheek, her breath fogging up the inside of her helmet as she wheezed raggedly. The creature roared above her, trudging across the floor and sending shockwaves down the tube that Nepeta could feel in her fingertips. She could hear something metallic being crunched between enormous claws. She held her breath.

“WARNING.” The readout in Nepeta’s helmet sounded, a placid electronic voice accompanied by large worry-inducing neon red block letters that reminded her distantly of Karkat “SUIT INTEGRITY BREACH. REPEAT. SUIT INTEGRITY BREACH.”

Nepeta looked at a tiny crack on the side of her helmet, no larger than the width of a hair but nonetheless extremely worrying, a steady hiss confirming the computer’s diagnosis. She engaged her com link. “Nepeta to ground crew alpha, do you read me?”

Static.

Nepeta closed her eyes and leaned back against the chute, she licked her lips and tried again “Nepeta to ground crew alpha, DO YOU READ ME?”

Static.

Above her in the chute, the monster continued to stalk back and forth, Nepeta could feel her blood trickle down her jaw, making a tiny green puddle in the bottom of the curved glass of the helmet’s front. Her vision threatened to blur out. She shook her head and took a deep breath “Please...guys are you there? I’m not in a good place...I don’t have my PCD, I’m wounded, that THING is still here and I don’t know if I can…”

Tears pricked at the corners of her eyes, she thunked her head against the chute wall. “Equius…” She sniffed and hugged her knees to her chest “Equius…”

A determined look came over her features, she shook her head and glared at the wall in front of her. “No.” she decided “No I told mew that I will be ok, Equius... I told mew I would be ok so I will be. I’ll be ok.” She told herself quietly, trying her best to convince herself and hugging her knees to her chest.

She took mental stock of her surroundings, the shaft that she fell down was approximately 20 feet tall and appeared to be a garbage chute of some kind, steel rusted and flimsy with age. She was sitting on what looked to be a mound of ancient garbage, she recognized a couple of candybar wrappers bearing Alternian script. The Alternian language had of course changed dramatically since this plastic candy bar wrapper had been manufactured, and the words were now either outlandishly dated, meant something else a long time ago, or were just complete gibberish. “Tangy antler! kindness is oily. Soft but hard in treats.” What the actual furck.

Nepeta threw the candy wrapper aside, stupid ancient people with their stupid ancient garbage.

Her eyes fell to the other side of the tube. There was a small divot at the other side as if something had burrowed into the trash like a nest. Next to the little indent in the garbage there were several odd pieces of trash that looked as if they had been set deliberately onto the surface. A broken moirails-4-ever bracelet that had been hastily tied back together, the beads scratched and worn. A pop can that had the picture of two conventionally attractive mid-bloods who seemed to be laughing together, holding the same brand of soda in their hands .Off to the side, a small conglomeration of wire, grommets, and used gum came together into the rough shape of a doll. The little makeshift doll was sitting down next to the sad little nest, a lopsided smile painted onto their face.

Nepeta picked up the doll, turning it back and forth in her hands. “Someone was down here…” she murmured.

Looking closer, next to the wall there was a series of extremely ornate and intricate etchings into the metal. These etchings were of geometric shapes and smooth flowing lines, coming together and branching out, the etchings were so small that she at first mistook it for natural patterns of rust. She ran her thumb against the small intricate designs, a small piece of oxidization came off with the movement and Nepeta was struck with the realization that there was another layer of etchings underneath. That meant that someone carved them, waited patiently for them to slowly succumb to the natural forces of dry oxidation, and then did it again.

“And they were here fur a really, really, really long time…”

The creature paced above her, each step rattling the chute. She could hear it grunt and snort.

“I don’t blame them.” Nepeta watched the top of the chute warily, her green eyes reflecting the sparse light. If she could choose between hiding in this tube, and getting ripped apart by a monster by attempting to escape, she would normally choose the non-ripped apart option, but she wasn’t the only one in this equation...

Where were the others?

She remembered fighting the monster before she fell, were they still up there? Bleeding sluggishly onto the floor? They wouldn’t have just left her here...Also what was down here? Where did it go?

“WARNING” The computer chimed again “SUIT INTEGRITY BREACH. REPEAT. SUIT INTEGRITY BREACH.” Crap that’s right, first thing on the agenda, find something to patch her stupid helmet, second thing find her fur-eaking teammates and make sure they aren’t dead...or worse. After that, contact the ship and get off this stupid fucking death trap planet. Then, go home, and cuddle the over-loving crap out of Equius, refuse to be moved from his lap for at least three days.

Wouldn’t that be nice? A cup of hot cocoa and sitting in Equius’ overly-muscled lap. One of his hands carding through her hair. Safe with her moirail, instead of bleeding to death on top of a pile of garbage? That would be fantastic, but first to get out of the chute, which makes that item number one instead of her previous item number one, which is now number two.

She pocketed the doll, turned around in the chute and braced her boots against the split between metal sheets. She kicked out roughly and the rusted metal creaked and began to give away, groaning loudly. She paused and looked up the shaft, listening for the beast. Based on the dull creaking from above her the beast didn’t seem to notice. It actually seemed to be calmer now, it shifted its weight back and forth before settling down on the floor, like a cat turning around and around before lying down to sleep. The distressed metal groaned under its weight.

Nepeta smiled to herself and nodded. Ok. That’s good.

She continued to kick and sometimes punch at the weak and rusted metal, hissing and shaking her hand out, the knuckles now bruised under the gloves of her atmospheric suit. She wished Equius was here, he could kick this thing’s ass in like. No time.

The metal finally tore away from the rusted bolts. The bolts popped off the sheet metal like buttons on an ill-fitting shirt. Nepeta grunted and folded back the jagged metal to peer into what looked to be a crawlspace of some kind. Wires drooped down between the panels, their rubber coating decomposing into an oily and crumbling mess. A couple of headless lizards paused where they had been tearing apart some unfortunate piece of meat, they hissed at her and retreated, squeezing their little headless bodies through the tiny gaps between metal panels. The spaces were smaller than it would logically seem that they could get through, but with a sickening distortion of their bodies they scrabbled through anyways. Ew.

Nepeta gave the dark space a resigned look and shrugged “Oh well. Through the murder hole I go.”

Nepeta crawled through the tiny opening. She scooped up a handful of the oily decomposing rubber and experimented with patching up the crack on her helmet. It made the air inside of her helmet smell like a burning rubber tire, but you know what? It was better than dying.

She crawled through the tiny tunnels, broken wires lining her path. She remembered Karkat telling her about the mural on the salamander planet and how the tiny orange amphibians had been captured and forced to work on the machine. She wondered if any unfortunate salamanders, or other small subjugated races, had been taken here, or if they just used tiny lowbloods like herself.

Headless lizards would occasionally pop out of a grate or a broken pipe to reveal their worm-like maw and hiss at her, but these nuisances were usually dispatched via a well-timed kick or a savage punch. Nepeta kept a couple of teeth the disgusting cretins dropped in a pocket of her uniform. They would make a good trophy necklace! She might pick up a skull or two along the way...er from something that actually had...heads...and skulls...man these things were gross.

The tunnel continued upwards, Nepeta was almost upright, clawing her way through a tangle of wires and kicking away a headless lizard that had latched onto her pants leg, when she heard something. Pressing her helmet to the metal wall she thought she heard something like...singing?

“Happy hatch-day! Happy hatch-day! Happy, happy, hatch-day to youuuu...” an electronic voice twittered obnoxiously, the voice scratchy and slightly distorted as it wormed its way through ancient desktop speakers.

There was a small sliver of light where two panels came together. Nepeta held her breath and pressed her face to the miniscule window, one green eye peering into the light.

Nepeta looked out at what she now recognized as the control room for the terraformer. The chute she had fallen down what seems like days ago (was it days?) sat off to the side, the rim torn where she had desperately scrabbled to keep from falling. She remembers the look on Tavros’s face, his hand grasping for her’s but just missing, the creature looming behind him. Looking around Nepeta recognizes the tell-tale signs of a battle. Scorched holes litter the walls and ceiling, she thinks she can tell the holes made from Eridan’s harpoon gun versus the holes made from the standard issued blasters everyone has on standby in their PCDs. Blood splatters and claw marks litter the floor.

In the light of the terraformer control panel, there is a terrifyingly large dark lump, covered in mounds of matted black hair. A pair of cracked and split horns rise from the lump and to Nepeta’s horror she sees that the creature is in fact, alive and well.

If it’s alive and everyone else is gone, does that mean…

No. She’s not going to think about that. They’re alive Nepeta ~~hopes~~ decides.

Colored lights from the computer screen illuminate across the cracked cow skull-like face of the creature. On the computer screen a little animated troll jumps out of a traditional present box and then jumps up and down in a stilted, badly animated, motion. Confetti falls from the top of the screen and large letters pulsate and congratulate the receiver on living another year.

The monster stares at the screen, absolutely rapt. Their wide disc-like eyes reflecting the colors on the screen, a green and grey striped tongue escaped from their maw to lick across the lidless eyes before retracting back into their mouth, the attention of the creature not once being taken from the monitor. The animation ended, the little stilted troll smiling and crawling back inside the box, the creature whined lowly and began to snuffle frantically at the monitor. They batted a huge paw to the monitor keyboard, pressing all of the keys at once. The monitor flickered and came back to life, the little troll once again jumping out of the traditional hatch-day present box and jumping up and down.

Nepeta’s brows furrowed. What is it doing?

As her attention was on the creature, her helmet pressed to the gap in between metal panels, Nepeta did not notice a headless lizard, one of the many that had jumped out of small places to accost her, that had wriggled its disgusting body from a nearby pipe. It tensed its one set of haunches, wiggled its tail back and forth like a cat about to pounce, and then did just that. The disgusting lizard launched itself at the side of Nepeta’s helmet, sticking there and opening its maw to screech and wave a multitude of tongues against the glass.

Nepeta shrieked and grabbed the lizard in a panic, throwing the writhing lump of sinew and tongues as hard as she could against the metal plating, a loud metallic twang sounding through the area like a drum before the lizard’s lifeless body slid down the metal with a splatter of oily honey-colored blood.

The monster’s head whipped around, the white disc-like eyes focusing on the split between the walls. Nepeta yelped and ducked back through the tangle of wires she had crawled through just as the creature roared and bounded across the room, taking the metal plating in one massive paw and ripping it from the wall with a horrible howl.

Nepeta could feel the metal around her shake as the creature clawed through the plating. She scrambled blindly for an escape, falling through a hole in the plating just as the creature tore the last of the paneling away, reaching a paw into the wires and panels and rooting around for the small troll, their claws barely scraping against Nepeta’s atmospheric suit as she fell deeper into the machine.

Nepeta landed roughly below, her shoulder took the majority of the fall and it was enough to knock the air from her lungs. Nepeta wheezed and fought to regain her breath, biting her lip in order to stay silent, the sounds of tearing metal still ringing out from above her, the monster roaring and throwing pieces of metal aside to enlarge the hole.

The sound of a large piece of metal clanging above her gave Nepeta a clue as to her location. She was currently underneath the floor of the control room. Slivers of dusty light flittered across the small space, dust shaking down between the cracks as the monster roared and tore apart the wall.

She couldn’t stay here.

Nepeta could hear her blood-pusher in her ears, she held her breath and crawled through the small space. Her shoulder ached where she fell, her head ached, breathing also hurt but she couldn’t stay here, not with that thing less than 10 feet away, digging through the wiring and metal to get to her like a cat at a mousehole.

Underneath her hands clumps of black wiring came together and drifted apart in messy tangles like neurons, like she was crawling across the giant oily black brain of some dead creature. Rubber crumbled under her fingers as she dragged herself along.

Something snapped.

The creature stopped digging.

Nepeta held her breath.

She stared above her at the panels of the floor, the little sliver of light that filtered through from above, yellow sand gently drifting through.

It was quiet.

A giant furred paw crashed through the metal panel next to Nepeta, clawing at the wires around her, stuffing its muzzle in the space, screeching, tongues waving in every direction. Nepeta scrambled away only for the panel ahead of to also be ripped up, she turned directions and-

The panel above Nepeta was wrenched away in a sudden shrieking tear of metal, flooding her hiding place with light, wires snapping like rubber bands as the piece was ripped away like the ribcage of a carcass, Nepeta exposed as the terrified fluttering heart inside. Her eyes wide as the creature’s maw unfolded into its four segments, blooming like some sort of demented flower covered in mismatched teeth and glistening with spittle, tongues waving, broken horns stark against the light. It screamed and she screamed and it thrust a clawed paw into the hole, trying to wrench her upwards.

The wiring under Nepeta snapped, the rotted and oily mass lurching and shivering like a cut trampoline before it unraveled, sending poor Nepeta once again careening into the abyss of the machine. The creature howled again, swiping at her with one massive paw, but Nepeta kept falling, wires snaking around her like dark tendrils, the howl of the beast echoing around her and-

She was caught in a tangle of wires around her leg. Nepeta swung upside down above a hollow in the machine. Inside the empty space, sand dunes swirled, dust carried for hundred of years through the cracks and crevices to gather here into small piles. Her helmet brushed the top of a sand dune as she swung back and forth gently.

The monster’s howl was far away now… So very far away… But was that distance?... or was that the blood still trickling steadily on the inside of her helmet? Nepeta didn’t really know.

“Warning.” The computer chimed on the inside of Nepeta’s helmet “You have been consuming a very large amount of oxygen. More so than what is recommended for an extended planetary visitation.”

Nepeta looked up at the hole she had fallen through, a pale silver-gold coin at the top of a massive black void. Her vision blurred and then cleared again. The creature peered down at her, nothing but a shaggy silhouette and cracked horns. It turned dismissively away.

“No furking shit.” Nepeta told the computer, who was not about to let something like a concussion, and a severely bruised body, dampen her sense of sass. Her voice was small and strained, blood that had pooled at the bottom of her helmet was now striping down the inside of the glass.

“Current oxygen level is as 20% capacity.” The computer chirped back at her “Please obtain a supplementary tank, or report back to the nearest pod. Have a good day.” the message was accompanied by a smiley emoticon.

“Fuck.” Nepeta swore, and with that final, succinct remark, Nepeta lost consciousness. She swung gently from the wire like a small, bloodied pinata from the world’s worst hatch-day party. The emptiness around her seemed to yawn and breathe as a gust of air brought a trickle of sand.

Something else stirred in the sand dunes under the machine. Paw prints appeared in the fine sand without a sound. The air crackled and hissed, a pair of yellow eyes appeared, floating towards Nepeta, the silent pawprints appearing underneath them. White energy crackled and illuminated the edges of the creature’s scales, along their back, and then down their legs. Like a floating wire-work of white light. Color spread through the creature’s scales like a watercolor paintbrush tipped to the page.

The chameleon cat sniffed at the dangling and unconscious Nepeta. It batted her gently with one massive paw and watched with a cocked head as she gently swung before she fell from the wire and to the sand dune underneath her, landing in an awkward heap.

The cat sniffed her once more. And then came to some sort of decision.

It took Nepeta in its mouth, turned, and padded deeper into the machine, their scales glowing for a moment before turning invisible once more.

 

The Tavros. The Tavros that was in fact, not Tavros, closed the door to the engineering room, muffling the screams from the actual Tavros who continued to hit against the metal cabinet they were locked in.

The Tavros stopped at the door, breathing heavily.They turned to the glass that made up the wall of the walkway. Fish swam above them in happy streaks of color above them in the oxygen factory. Their face was swathed in blue wavering light from above. They stared, looking this way and that way at their reflection, pulling on their hair and widening their eyes. Yes this was their face. This was their face now. Concentrate. They pulled at an eyelid and leaned closer to the glass, looking deeply to focus on Tavros’s slivered pupils. This is your face. Your face your face your face your face.

Yes.

They jumped as something banged on the inside of the room, the whisper of a scream muffled through layer upon layer of metal. They can’t stay here. They can’t stay here. They’ll get out. They can’t stay here. They looked both directions down the hallway, breathing heavily and biting their lip. They chose a direction and started walking.

The Tavros was was walking by the crew barracks, looking nervously at passersby, when they were stopped by a prosthetic arm that slammed across their path, blocking the small hallway. Vriska stood in the doorway. Her long shaggy hair fell around her shoulders, scars lining the skin there and culminating at the beginning of her prosthetic. She was looking up at Tavros, her uniform was unzipped, the sleeves tied around her waist in a style she picked up from John, a black sports bra showed underneath. There was an unreadable expression on her face. The Tavros stared back.

Vriska’s slitted eyes traveled down Tavros. The Tavros stiffened under her gaze. Vriska sighed and looked away, crossing her arms. “Look I…” Vriska began, biting the inside of her lip “I Just...How is she doing?...Nepeta looked like crap and I just...”

The Tavros stared hard and fidgeted under her gaze. “Fine!” They tried.

Vriska rolled her eyes “Look don’t give me that crap!” She waved a hand vaguely “Look I know I’m a dick to you guys but I actually-like I mean- You’re my f- and I ca- Fucking don’t make me say it ok?”

The Tavros shouldered by her, trying to continue down the hall. “She’s fine.” The Tavros parroted again.

Vriska growled “Oh fuck you!” She turned and followed after the Tavros “Is this about using your prosthetic leg to knock out the creature? I already said I was sorry!” She hugged herself and shrugged, her fangs dug into her bottom lip. “The leg was already severed!” She gestured vaguely in the air as she tried to justify her actions “And you have to admit that it looked really cool!”

The Tavros continued to walk away. “Fine.” Usually that word worked, why isn’t the word working?

Vriska followed him, grabbing his elbow and forcing him to look at her. “Stop that! Stop the stupid silent treatment!” Her brows were furrowed and she was breathing heavily “I said I was sorry!”

The Tavros didn’t answer, only staring at Vriska in an unreadable way.

Vriska stared back at him, her chest heaving, she swallowed “Look I thought we were-” She stopped herself, looking away, her nose crinkled and her brows came together in indignation “Look if everyone hates me you can just say so!” She practically screamed, her teeth bared. She wasn’t crying. Shut up.

The Tavros leaned away from her, mildly disgruntled. This word usually works, why isn’t the word working?

“Go ahead!” Vriska dared him, her teeth bared and her hair falling in her face as she screamed and flailed her arms “Say it! Say ‘Everyone hates you and wants you to die’! FUCKING SAY IT!”

The Tavros looked at her. Vriska was panting, her dark hair in her face, her eyes wide.

“Everyone hates you!” The Tavros chirped at her with a sweet smile, cocking their head and parroting her words back to her “And wants you to die!”

Vriska was stunned for a moment. The Tavros smiled at her.

“FUCK YOU!” Vriska screamed and engaged her PCD. A shock of blue light coming to life in the dark hallway. The randomization function on Vriska’s PCD chimed and a large battle mace formed in her hands. She shrieked and swung the heavy mace, the Tavros dodged just as the heavy spiked ball on a chain embedded itself into the wall where their head used to be.

Those words didn’t work either.

Vriska growled and turned to face him, her hair in dark waves around her face, her brows furrowed in angry determination. She swung again, The Tavros dodged her “YOU CAN’T-” She swung “JUST PLAY-” She swung “WITH MY EMOTIONS LIKE THAT!”

Each time the Tavros dodged expertly, their brows furrowed as they watched for her attacks. Since when was Tavros this good at dodging? He usually just liked to block and charge. The embodiment of a brick wall when he wasn’t being spineless and whiney. Vriska thought in the corner of her mind not currently occupied by sheer blinding rage, that this isn’t his fighting style. This isn’t his fighting style. Wh-

Vriska swung again but this time Tavros caught it in their hand, their head bowed. Vriska tried to wrench it away but it stayed firm. When did Tavros get this strong? He’s a brown-blood he shouldn’t be this str-

Tavros’s head whipped up. His hair was longer than it should have been and the eye that stared back at her had eight pupils, rimmed in both blue and brown pulsating and shifting. Holding onto Vriska’s mace they threw her against the wall, hard enough to dent the metal plating. Vriska yelped and slid to the floor of the hallway under the large dent she left in the metal.

Vriska stood up, blue blood trickled down her jaw. Wires sparked from the top of her prosthetic that was damaged with the hit.

She smiled.

Vriska laughed, blood trickling from her split lip. She pointed at The Tavros. “You.” She grinned viciously “You AREN’T Tavros.”

The shifter looked back at her, Vriska and Tavros’s traits mixing together on the creature. Their eyes shifted from blue to brown and back again, Tavros’s mohawk was longer now, wavy and tangled like Vriska’s hair, one of their eyes dotted with Vriska’s eight pupils before fading away and then coming back again.

Vriska chuckled and flicked back her hair “I don’t know what the fuck you are…” She engaged the randomization function in her PCD again and the mace in her hand shivered, seeming to melt before reforming into a longsword. “BUT I’M GOING TO KICK YOUR ASS!”

The shifter looked at her with her and Tavros’s eyes, they raised a hand. The limb shivered and lost its color, emanating an odd white energy, the features melting and turning to a pearly white liquid before reforming, a mace like Vriska had, except larger in the outstretched hand.

Vriska huffed, her eyes turning steely. “You know since you aren’t Tavros…” She spun the sword deftly in her hand and braced for battle “THAT MEANS I DON’T HAVE TO GO EASY ON YOU!”

She yelled and drew her sword, jumping into battle with the false Tavros.

 

Equius groaned. There was a too-bright light above him. His head felt like cotton, say for the headache blooming behind his eyes and at the base of his horns. His ears flicked back. He tried to raise his hands to block the light and-

Equius’s eyes snapped open when he realized he could not move his wrists.

He looked down and saw that his wrists were bracketed down to his sides in large metal cuffs. He was dressed in a large white hospital gown, his muscled grey legs peeking out from under the white gown. His ankles were also held down by metal brackets. The room was a plain white, made of curved frosted glass. Shapes loomed beyond the opaque glass and Equius recognized this space. Or did he? He should recognize this space. Where was he? A red cross was emblazoned on the outside of the door.

Equius turned his head to see Dirk asleep in a chair beside him, his head propped up on one hand, his tan fingers peeking out from his fingerless gloves. His glasses were askew, falling down his face and Equius could see his pale lashes flutter across his cheeks as he slept. A pang of fondness went through Equius’s chest at the sight of it but he had more pressing matters. More pressing matters like where was he and-

The medical pod.

It all came rushing back. Equius was in the medical pod. He recognized it because he and Dirk outfitted medical droids for it. He had been drugged by the medical officer when-

“NEPETA!” Equius arched off the bed he was strapped to, straining against the cuffs. “NEPETA!” He screamed. The metal of the cuffs groaning as it was strained but holding tightly.

Dirk yelped with a start and fell off of the chair. He went tumbling to the floor before popping up again at Equius’s side. “You’re awake!” His sunglasses were still askew and Equius could see the human’s bright gold eyes. Dirk failed to school his facial expressions as he stood over Equius’s bedside, his brows pinched and odd clear human tears began to well up in his eyes “Equius you’re ok! Holy crap I’m so glad you’re ok!”

Equius gave him a watery smile. “Dirk! Dirk I’m so glad you’re here! Dirk please-”

Dirk nodded, he swallowed and suddenly self-conscious he pushed his glasses back up.”What is it Equius?”

Equius stared back at Dirk, his blue eyes uncovered without his glasses, wide and filled with fear. “Dirk I need you to let me go! That-that THING isn’t Nepeta! That means that the real Nepeta is in dire trouble! It is imperative we find her! Dirk!”

Dirk swallowed. His lips were pressed in a hard line and his eyes were unreadable behind his glasses. “Oh god...You still- Eq you’re having a psychotic break. Jane said-”

Equius’s brows screwed together and he shook his head “No! No! I know Nepeta! Dirk you have to believe me I-”

Something chimed on the other side of Equius. A medical droid hummed to life. A pair of spindly arms unfolded from where they were pressed against a smooth white frame, a wide head popped up from their shoulders. Their head was smooth and white, vaguely rectangular but with rounded edges, a large red cross sat between far-set beady electronic eyes.

“Hello!” The droid greeted Equius in a voice that Equius and Dirk had chosen specifically for it because it was so calm and soothing. The middle of their head opened up vertically and a ray of red light scanned Equius, silently taking stock of his elevated heart rate and increased perspiration. “How do you feel?”

“I DON’T BELONG HERE!” Equius bellowed and tried to wrench free of the cuffs, gritting his teeth as he pulled on the unrelenting metal “LET ME GO IMMEDIATELY!”

“I’m sorry. I can’t do that.” The robot chirped, their jointed human-like hands hovering over Equius and their head cocking to the side with an electronic whirr “May I get you a glass of water?” they queried with a hopeful beep.

Equius growled, his ears flicked back. “DARN IT ALL I MADE YOU!” He pulled against the cuffs “EXECUTIVE ENGINEERING CODE-’PRANCING-CENTAUR-100%’!”

The droid hummed “Code insufficient.” It cocked its head “Protocol states that when either head engineer should be admitted for mental difficultiessss-” The droid extended the word ‘difficulties’ much longer than necessary and with a high-pitched whine behind the words “-that both engineering executive codes shall be required.”

Equius turned to Dirk, his eyes wide and pleading. “Dirk?”

Dirk stood off to the side, holding his breath, his mouth pressed into a hard line. Sweat was beading at his hairline and dripping down his neck. “Eq...Eq you’re sick...you need to stay here and get better.” His voice was tight and controlled, sounding much calmer than he felt.

The droid leaned over Equius. A finger on the droid popped open, exposing a sanitizing agent and spritzing a piece of grey skin on Equius’s upper arm. “I am going to sedate you now.” The droid cooed “You won’t feel a thing.” they promised “No...not a thing…”

Equius shook his head. He grit his teeth and glared at Dirk “Dirk! Please! Look at me! I am NOT having a psychotic break!”

Dirk leaned over Equius, the lines of his body tense, Equius could see his golden eyes behind the shades, wide and stricken with fear. “Eq I want to believe you I really do-”

“Then believe me!” Equius looked back at Dirk. He was breathing heavily through his nose. “I am sane. I am RATIONAL.” He urged strongly. “I could recite to you how to assemble a servo controller, or draw a horse from memory! I know that I’m in the medbay, I know you are Dirk and I KNOW who Nepeta is! And that is why I KNOW that that was NOT Nepeta!”

The droid hummed happily, finishing sanitizing Equius’s skin. Another finger popped open and a hypodermic needle slowly slid through, the glass of it gleaming in the light. Fluid filled the needle from a source within the droid. One of the many drug cocktails they had outfitted for it, oh to be betrayed by your own creation!

The bot hummed and put the needle to Equius’s skin. “Won’t feel a thing! Won’t feel a thing!” the chirped happily. “Won’t feel a thing!” It began to push and-

Equius strained against the cuffs “DIRK!”

“PONY-PALS-ADVENTURE-12-03!” Dirk spat out suddenly.

The droid paused. The needle resting at Equius’s skin. “Second executive code confirmed!” the needle retracted into the droid’s finger. A hole appeared in the droid’s palm and a lollipop was spat out. “Would you like a lollipop?” The droid chirped, holding the lollipop in front of Equius.

Dirk and Equius ignored the droid. Dirk instead activated his PCD, a thin katana forming in his hands. Dirk plunged the sword into the locking mechanism of the cuffs, wires sparking and shorting out before the cuffs disengaged.

Equius sat up on the table. Dirk was still breathing heavily, holding his Katana in his hands tight enough to turn the knuckles white. “Equius are you al-”

Before Dirk could finish that sentence however there were strong hands, one hand around his waist and the other hand gentle against his face and he was lifted from the ground and-

Equius kissed him.

Dirk’s eyes were wide behind his glasses, his grip on his katana relaxed and the weapon, now disconnected from the PCD, dissolved. There was a small aborted squeak at the back of Dirk’s throat, something between a whine and a hum, his eyes hooded dreamily. He reached his hand up to Equius’s hair and-

However before Dirk could react properly, he was set back on the floor. Dirk blinked, confused, hair mussed and glasses falling down his nose, eyes wide. His face was flushed. All of him was flushed. “Eq wha-”

“Thankyouthankyouthankyou” Equius however, was already running out of the room “Come on!” He urged as he thundered out of the medical bay “WE HAVE TO FIND HER!”

Dirk watched, still shocked as Equius pulled apart the frosted glass of the medical pod, his hospital gown fluttering around him. His grey butt peeked out from the loosely tied gown in the back.

Dirk was shocked from his stupor “WAIT!” He ran after Equius “EQ!! STOP!! YOU HAVE TO PUT ON SOME PANTS!!”

 

The Tavros, which used to be The Nepeta, gasped for air where they leaned against the wall of the hallway, completely spent. Vriska laid at their feet, her prosthetic arm next to her where The Tavros had ripped it off in the heat of battle and used it to strike her sharply across the face. Were they accustomed to human humor, they might have added a “Stop hitting yourself!” To that last attack but alas, they were not, and the prime joke opportunity was wasted.

Vriska laid on the floor, bleeding slightly from the head and groaning quietly.

The Tavros above her hissed through their teeth, their eyes screwing shut. Their hair lengthened and shortened again. Their horns shifted and shivered, lengthening into Tavros’s wide bull horns and constricting to Vriska’s smaller pronged and hooked horns. The creature melded together, blurring and clarifying rapidly between the two disparate states. Blue, brown, blue, brown, blue-

The Tavros-Vriska shrieked and hit their head with their hands. They doubled over in the hallway and vomited. Pearly-opalescent fluid splattered around their feet, the puddle shifting and bubbling. The creature howled out in pain.

When they were done, they staggered and looked up at the reflective glass wall. Instead of the Tavros-Vriska they had been, now there was only Vriska. They put a hand to their face, under Vriska’s eye. This is your face now. Your face your face your face your face.

Yes.

The original Vriska moaned again where she laid on the floor. The Vriska that used to be The Tavros, that used to be The Nepeta, straightened up at the sound. A murmur of conversation started up on the end of the hallway. They can’t stay here! They can’t stay here!

The Vriska searched the hallway. They found a maintenance access panel. They picked up the original Vriska and laid her down there, murmuring against a bed of multi-colored wires.“s-s-s-Sorry…” They whispered to the unconscious troll. “Can’t-can’t-can’t-can’t!”

The murmuring got louder and The Vriska quickly replaced the access panel, covering the still unconscious original Vriska inside.

Eridan and Aradia rounded the hallway just as The Vriska stood up from the access panel. The Vriska sniffed and rubbed at her face, their eyes still wide with fear.

Aradia looked at Vriska, turning back to Eridan to give him a look, her eyebrows raised, she shrugged. “Anyways…” She turned back around from the hallway and left “I’m gonna just- Yeah I’m gonna leave, not gonna lie I don’t want to be here.”

The Vriska watched her leave. The Original Vriska groaned from where she was under the access panel. The Vriska moved to stand in front of it.

Eridan turned around to look at The Vriska, one eyebrow arched. “Did you just...did you just groan?” He looked over her, at her wide eyes. The Vriska wiped at her face “Wwhat the hell?” Eridan paused “Wwere you just crying?”

“I’m fine!” The Vriska straightened up, standing leaning against the access panel in the wall “Just fine!”

Eridan rolled his eyes “Yeah right. Did you and Tavros have a fight again?”

The Vriska didn’t answer. The usual word isn’t working at all anymore. This word used to work so well why isn’t it working?

When she didn’t answer Eridan scoffed and crossed his arms, giving Vriska a flat look. “Yeah I fuckin’ thought so.”

The Vriska didn’t answer. They chewed their lip and tried to think of another word.

Eridan sighed he crossed over to Vriska “Look. A little bit of unsolicited advice, yanno from one unlikable friend in the friend group to another-” He looked at The Vriska “Wwe’re your friends, and I think you wwant us to stay...to keep being your friends.” He leaned back and sighed “So you don’t have to make it so fuckin hard for no reason ok? Like people have to be everything you wwant or they’re nothing...I don’t think you really wwant to hurt anybody...And I knoww that’s wwhat you’re doing because I do that too sometimes. It’s shitty and I’m tryin’ to stop...but yeah…”

He shrugged and continued down the hallway. “Just somethin’ to think about yanno?”

The Vriska watched Eridan leave, walking down the hallway, his scarf and cape trailing behind him. They liked him. They shivered and shifted, Vriska’s face melting away. They tried the new one’s face on for a few moments. Yes he was taller. Taller is good! They looked in the reflection of the glass and turned side-to-side with a smile. Such zig zag horns! Such copious amounts of scarf! They whipped their scarf around their necks and gave themselves a smile. Such scarf! Plentiful scarf! Did the others have a scarf? No they did not, they had insufficient scarf, but this one has a scarf!

“Ha!” Sollux passed by the hallway and snickered, his red and blue eyes glowing in the near darkness. He had a coffee cup in one hand and grinned at The Eridan. “Dork.”

The Eridan that was once the Vriska whirled around, their eyes wide.

Sollux snorted and took a sip of coffee. “You’re so vain, honestly. Get a life.” And with that Sollux passed the hallway with a teasing laugh, his footsteps echoing down the hallway.

The Eridan shivered and shifted, their mouth pinched with indignation. Did the troll not see their scarf! It is magnificent! Such plentiful scarf! They scoffed to themselves. What did the yellow one know? They had no scarf! Scarf insufficient! NO SCARF! NONE! SCARF IS EXACTLY NONE!

Distracted as they were with the troll that had just passed them, they began to lose focus on their form, their horns shifting from Eridan’s to Sollux’s double spike horns and back again. Their color shifted rapidly and blurred, their eyes shifting from purple to red to blue and back again. Such nerve! They thought, their hands on their hips as they angrily shifted color. Did they not see the scarf? Most plentiful of scarf!

They were lost to their anger for a moment, growling and chittering as they shifted colors like a mood ring. They saw themselves in the mirror. They yelped and looked closely at their face, shifting rapidly, the features swirling and blurring together. They grit their teeth. Stop stop stop! They pulled at their hair and tried to focus, breathing deeply. They concentrated, their hair growing and lengthening, eyes shifting colors, horns growing and shortening and changing positions. They hit their head with their hands. Stop stop stop!

Finally they were able to regain control. They took a deep breath and their form clarified, colors blurring at first like a signal through an old TV at first but then becoming clearer and clearer.

They looked into the reflection of the glass. They were the Vriska again, they really did like the scarf but-

The original Vriska groaned again in the maintenance hatch.

The Vriska that was once The Eridan, that was once the Vriska, that was once the Tavros, that was once the Nepeta, wrung their hands and stared at the hatch. At least they know where this one is.

And with that The Vriska continued on through the Starship Skaia.

 

Heidi, one of Jane’s nurses in the medical bay of the Starship Skaia, paused her knitting as she watched Equius Zahak, one of the largest and most muscled Trolls she had seen on the ship, pull apart the reinforced glass doors of the med-pod he was in. His fingers cracked the glass as he did so, which Heidi thought was impressive because the glass was specifically chosen to be troll-proof. So much for that….

“NEPETA!!” The troll screamed, his hospital gown fluttering dangerously high on his muscled thighs. “NEPETA!!!!”

Dirk Strider ran after the troll. “EQ STOP! YOU HAVE TO PUT ON SOME PANTS!”

Heidi wondered why he yelled that, until the troll ran past her and she got a very good look at his grey butt peeking out through the split in the hospital gown. Both screaming troll and human running after him escaped the med bay and went barreling down the hallway.

Heidi put down the baby booties she had been knitting, she looked over at her coworker Maria. Maria had paused where she had been going through medical files, a shocked look on her face. Apparently she had gotten the same uh...view.

“Shouldn’t we do something?” Heidi mused, her heavy swedish accent twisting through her words.

“Oh fuck no.” Maria glared at the grey butt running quickly down the hallway. “I’m not JANE I’m not going to take on a bloody FREIGHT TRAIN like that by myself with only a syringe. No. I’m calling security.”

Maria took up her communicator and Heidi shrugged. She did have a point. Heidi rose from her seat and walked to Doctor Jane Crocker’s office, her high heels clicking against the sterile white floors. “Doctor Crocker.” Heidi knocked and let herself into the dark office. Doctor Crocker was at her desk, flipping through medical readouts with a scowl on her face.

“No this isn’t right...this isn’t right…” Jane scowled at two readouts of troll organs. “Darn it this CAN’T be right!”

“Doctor Crocker.” Heidi blinked, her eyes trying to adjust to the darkness “We have an escapee…”

Doctor Crocker didn’t seem to notice her, the woman’s face swathed in the blue light of the monitor, her bright blue eyes nealy neon in the light. “Heidi take a look at these organ read outs. What do these look like?”

Heidi stepped forward and squinted at the two medical documents. “Troll organs Miss.”

Jane nodded, her brows furrowed “Yes and what else do you notice?” Jane flipped through one read out and then the other.

Heidi shrugged “I don’t understand...they look the same to me…”

Jane’s face was darkly serious. “That’s just it Heidi...they ARE the same...EXACTLY the same.” She pointed to a dark patch on one of the organs “Right down to the scarring here.”

Heidi’s eyes were wide “But that’s-”

Jane looked at the medical documents, taken from the physicals of the most recent off-planet crew. She scowled at the documents, the names Vriska Serket and Nepeta Leijon at the tops of the files. “I already checked the machine.” Jane whispered “It wasn’t a malfunction…”

Heidi quickly scanned the files “The scarring is accounted for in Serket’s medical history, a result of the injury that took her arm but... but Nepeta…She didn’t have that injury before...”

Jane’s brows furrowed. “I don’t think what was brought back was Nepeta Leijon...”

 

Nepeta woke up with a gasp, her green eyes going wide. She saw that her helmet was off and she shrieked, searching the floor frantically for it before noticing that-

-that she was breathing just fine actually...

Nepeta’s brow furrowed “What the furck.” She murmured to herself, rubbing at her temples, a headache was still blooming under her horns but the fresh oxygen was dulling the pain. She was in a small room, the walls were a muted grey metal. She was on what looked like a pile of old fashioned early celestial furniture, all together in a dusty jumble. Nepeta squinted at a dark shape above her, realizing that for some reason, an old fashioned sink and what was left of an ablution trap was on the ceiling….

Except that it wasn’t the ceiling! Nepeta’s eyes widened, the entire room had been tipped onto its side, sliding the furniture down where it was now. This whole section must have been a dormitory that fell off of the main terraformer. She looked to the side and saw a vent blowing from what was now the floor. That’s how she can breathe! The parts of the terraformer feeding oxygen into the dormitories must still be working!

Nepeta tried to rise from the pile of dusty furniture, but a weight gently pushed her back down. Nepeta squeaked and looked down at her chest. She couldn’t see anything, but she could feel something that felt like an extremely heavy beanbag laying across her. Nepeta’s brows furrowed, she poked experimentally at the weight on her.

A lattice of blue light shimmered across her, a wirework of scales that radiated from her touch. Something very, very, large yawned and Nepeta yelped as what was now exposed as a giant paw pulled her closer to a scaled belly.

Nepeta looked up as color slowly began to drip back into the creature’s scales.

The chameleon cat yawned, showing off their long tusks. Their paws crossed over Nepeta’s front, holding her like a giant ragged teddy bear. It set their muzzle on top of Nepeta’s head and rubbed back and forth sleepily. The creature purred and Nepeta thought it sounded like an old vehicle that was struggling to start up, deep and grating, thrumming down in their chest, but not altogether unpleasant.

Nepeta snorted out a giggle when the giant cat rolled onto their back, taking Nepeta with them. They licked across Nepeta’s face as she laughed, making her hair stand up in all different directions. “So you saved me!” Nepeta laughed and the cat continued to purr, their glowing blue tongue peeking out from their mouths slightly, their yellow eyes sleepy as they regarded Nepeta.

A small sound made the cat’s eyes go wide, their ears perking up, they released Nepeta and stood up suddenly, crossing the room.

Nepeta also sat up, having been quickly deposited into the jumble at the bottom of the room “What is it? What’s going on?”

The chameleon cat clambered over to what looked like a discarded refrigerator, laying so that the interior of the old machine faced upwards. The cat put their head down into the discarded refrigerator, picking up something that looked like a semi-transparent spikey basketball. They trotted back over to Nepeta and proudly set it in her lap. The spiky ball unfurled in Nepeta’s lap with a tiny whimper. The creature folded out like an armadillo and yawned. The chameleon kitten put their paws over their snout and sneezed.

“Awww!” Nepeta smiled at the giant armored kitten in their lap. “Look at mew!! Mew are so cute and little! Look at your widdle snoot!” She put a finger to the kitten’s little nose and giggled at how their eyes went cross-eyed trying to follow it. She booped them on the nose and the kitten mewed in surprise, blinking their big yellow eyes and rapidly changing colors, their blue tongue peeking out of their mouths.

The chameleon cat brought another kitten, and another kitten, until Nepeta was covered with at least five glowing and color-changing scaled kittens, all of them crawling over her, standing up and putting their little paws on her shoulders to sniff her hair, chewing on her boot and laying on her lap. Nepeta was laughing and dangling a piece of string from the pile for one of the kittens to chase.

The Chameleon cat seemed pleased as they looked at the scene, they curled around Nepeta and the kittens, licked at Nepeta’s hair, and purred loudly. Nepeta laughed and leaned back against the chameleon cat, holding a kitten above her that wriggled in her grasp and batted a paw at her nose.

“Oh! Oh! Oh my goodness mew are the cutest!” Nepeta gushed and set the kitten down in her lap. The chameleon cat sighed and put their head on their paws, closing their eyes contentedly. Nepeta smiled and ran a hand down the kitten in her lap that was quickly falling asleep.

Nepeta’s face fell “I can’t stay here...I have to get back to the ship… and Equius…” She sighed and thunked her head back against the scales of the chameleon cat “What happened to everyone? Are they ok? Do they know I’m gone? Does Equius know I’m gone?”

The Chameleon cat and the kitten didn’t answer, dozing quietly where they lay around and across Nepeta.

Nepeta looked at the junk around her, this dormitory was the accumulated life of a troll hundreds- or maybe even thousands of years ago. In the dusty rubble she noticed a sparse standard-issue bookshelf, the books having long since rotted but the faded plastic covers remaining, the titles were in antiquated old Alternian, most seemed to be adventure books or training manuals, there was a rotted bed that her and the cats were currently on, and a pile of half decayed clothing, old style Alternian fleet uniforms with an olive patch denoting caste color. A glint in the pile caught Nepeta’s eye.

She reached across the Chameleon cat’s scaly back and wrenched out a broken picture frame. On the broken frame there was a leather cord, a little carved fish made from bone dangling from it. In the picture frame a young green-blooded troll with lovely curved horns laughed and hugged an armored lizard lusus around their thick neck. The lusus smiled, licking a long spiney tongue across their son’s cheek as they hugged him back.

Nepeta smiled and gently tugged the little photograph from the broken frame, she turned the paper over and-

“Good luck Gelgih!” The inscription read on the other side “Love, Dad.”

Nepeta hummed and raised the photo above her to smile at it, tracing the happy troll and lusus with the tip of one finger. She hugged the photo to her chest and sighed. She missed pounce...she tried to set up a video chatting system for her lusus, but the cat lived in a literal cave and was not good with technology like some lusii were.

She looked over the decimated room and suddenly it all seemed too real. The troll who had lived in this room, who read these books and looked at this picture was long gone. Everyone in this colony was long gone...who were they? What did this to them? Suddenly Karkat’s seemingly insane need to know what happened to these colonies made sense. These were real trolls who were erased from existence.

Nepeta sighed. She had to get back to the ship, for Equius, for Tavros, for Aradia, Sollux, Kanaya, Terezi, Vriskers, Eridan-

For Gelgih.

Nepeta took one last look at the troll in the photograph. Someone killed them. Someone killed them, and Nepeta is going to help Karkat find out who. Nepeta tucked the photo carefully into a side pocket. She rose from the pile of cuddly cats, a determined look on her face. The cats yawned and looked up at her curiously.

Nepeta clenched her fist and looked up at the doorway of the dormitory, now high up on the wall when the building collapsed. “I’m getting out of here.” Nepeta whispered to herself, the cats cockong their heads and mewing in response. “I’m going to get out of here.”

Nepeta turned back to the pile of rotted books on the crushed bookshelf. Most of them crumble in her hands, but one plastic binder stayed intact. Nepeta opened the binder and is overjoyed to see laminated pages.

“Terraformer operation: a training guide” Nepeta read aloud as she flipped through the manual “Conquest yadda yadda, subjugation of natives yadda yadda.. AH! Emergency broadcast system...connecting to the glorious mothership of the alternian fleet...” Nepeta snapped the book closed, a plan forming in her mind.

Nepeta wrenches a metal bed post from the pile. She ripped a piece of polyester from the rotten bed spread with her teeth, grunting as she tied a discarded scale from the chameleon cat to the end of it tightly in order to make a spear. She retrieved her helmet from the floor of the dormitory, she reached into the wall to take a handful of rotting pitch-black rubber, patching up the rest of the cracked face shield and striping it down the front. War paint. She tied the rest of the bedspread around her shoulders, making a ragged cloak. She tied a sash around her and hooked the training guide to the front and the spear to the back. She refilled her oxygen reserves. She put the helmet back over her face with the air of pure abject determination, her brows furrowed and her mouth set in a hard line.

Nepeta began to climb the short wall to the doorway. The chameleon cat rose behind her and touched their snout to her back. Nepeta turned towards them, a frown on her face. “It’s ok…” Nepeta reassured them “You’ve done more than enough, I need to go…”

The chameleon cat looked at her sadly, their scales shifting from pale lilac to an agitated pink to an electric blue before fading again to white.

Nepeta brought their forehead to the cat’s, closing her eyes contentedly and running a hand across the scaled creature’s snout. “You remind me so much of my mom...thank mew…”

The chameleon cat gave Nepeta a hard look and-

Nepeta yelped as the cat nosed under her and flipped the little Nepeta onto their back. Nepeta gripped their scales and looked surprised at the alien cat underneath her. “Are you sure?” She asked.

In response the Chameleon cat roared and flexed their scales, the colors sizzling and crackling with energy, turning bright red with orange shocks, electric green with purple tips, electric blue with yellow sparks. They turned back to their kittens and the little armored kits obediently filed back into the abandoned refrigerator, their eyes peeking up from the rim as they looked at their mother.

Nepeta sat straighter on their back, her cloak billowing behind her, she flipped her spear in her hands, testing its weight. “Get me to the control room.” Nepeta said, her brows furrowed and her mouth pinched with determination. “And I’ll do the rest.”

And with that the Chameleon cat leapt from the dormitory and into the darkness of the machine.

 

Dirk and Equius ran down the hallway towards the engineering section. Equius had a dark and determined look in his eyes, Dirk was just trying his best not to look at Equius’s ass through the hospital gown.

“When we get to our tools we can modify one of the scanners we set up for the medical team-” Equius mused, too focused and determined to be distracted by trivialities such as not wearing pants.

Dirk’s brows furrowed, tearing his eyes away from the butt “Though if the Nepeta isn’t the Nepeta that means that they fooled the medical scanners the first time…”

Equius growled to himself “That’s right! Darn it all! What if we introduce a genetic component to-”

Equius opened the door to the engineering section, both engineers were ready to pounce on their workstations when they heard a banging and a muffled screaming from the supply cabinet on the other side of the room.

 

 

Dave was standing on top of his desk, errant furbies and 1987 vintage Goofy figurines falling off the edge as he shifted his footing. His PCD was already engaged.

“Vile beast, demon of a thousand forms-” Dave spoke gravely and glared over the top of his glowing blade “Your days of tyranny are over!”

Terezi spun slowly in the office chair she was crouched in, wearing a homemade dragon costume over her uniform “THAT’S WHAT YOU THINK MEAT-BAG!” Terezi roared her best dragon roar and brandished her claws “YOU CANNOT DEFEAT ME YOU SCRAWNY NERD!”

Dave paused and lowered his sword to glare at Terezi “Dude. Harsh.”

Terezi grimaced and rubbed the back of her neck “Yeah sorry, that was a little mean...How about… YOU CANNOT DEFEAT ME, MORTAL!”

Dave nodded, a small twist to his lips “Nice!”

“Thank you!” Terezi chirped back, her hands on her hips that were still covered by the dragon costume.

“Then let us-” Dave struck a pose “DO BATTLE!”

Before the epic battle could commence however, both Dave and Terezi’s communicators chimed.

Dave saw that it was Dirk calling and answered it first “You have reached Big Gordo’s recycled road meat bar and grill, you kill em’ we grill em’ how may I help you today?”

“DAVE!” “I broke Equius out of the medical ward!”

Dave put his hand on the bridge of his nose and sighed “Dirk you know I’m the cops now. You just admitted that to the cops.”

Dirk shook his head “Look I know this sounds weird, but I trusted Equius that the Nepeta was NOT Nepeta and he was right!” He fished a water bottle from his workstation and gave it to the troll they just freed from their cabinet.

Tavros coughed, his hair sticking to his sweaty forehead as he drained the water bottle Dirk handed to him, he grabbed the communicator that Dirk was using to talk to Dave. “L-look I know this is weird and fucked up but the THING we brought back from the planet t-that we thought was Nepeta was NOT Nepeta! It cut itself a-and on the inside it was filled with glowing goop! It did this crazy arm thing and-”

Meanwhile Terezi spoke on her own com link to Jane who was currently thundering down the hallway, a dark look in her eyes and her lab coat billowing around her.

“We need to detain Nepeta Leijon immediately!” Jane shouted into the com. Heidi walked after her, her heels clicking against the floor. “I have been reviewing the medical data retrieved from the latest off-planet excursion and-”

Terezi straightened up “What happened to Nepeta? Is she sick?”

Jane’s brows furrowed. “Worse I’m afraid. I do not believe that the being that was brought back onto the ship is Nepeta Leijon at all!”

Terezi’s eyes widened, her and Dave turned to each other and “NEPETA IS NOT NEPETA!” they spoke in unison.

Dave ran to his desk, dumping papers and vintage disney figurines alike onto the floor and pressing a very large red button. Crew members all around the ship paused where they were as the regular lights dimmed and red flashing lights beamed down the hallways, accompanied by an emergency alarm and an electronic voice.

“Foreign entity on ship.” An electronic voice told the crew in a placid voice that was at odds with the panic-inducing alarm “Please do not panic. Security team has been dispatched.”

John and Karkat paused where they were walking down the hall.

“OH WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS?” Karkat screamed and motioned angrily to the flashing red lights “CAN WE GO FOR A WEEK WITHOUT THIS BULLSHIT?”

John touched his communicator “Dave talk to me what’s going on?”

Dave touched his own com as he and Terezi ran down the hallway towards the engineering section. “A breach.” Dave answered as he was looking over the PCD readouts on the ship “Tavros claims to have been attacked by a creature that was posing as Nepeta, Jane has corroborated this saying that when she reviewed the medical readout for Nepeta they didn’t make sense.”

Karkat growled and tore at his hair “THAT’S WHY WE INSTALLED THE SCANNERS! TO MAKE THIS KIND OF SHIT NOT HAPPEN!”

Jane cut in on the line, staring at the own electronic documents in front of her “Vriska was scanned first and then the “Nepeta”, I think it watches and is able to mimic what it sees, it saw Vriska’s medical scan and was able to mimic that.”

Dave nodded “We’re heading to the scene now to try and find where it went.”

Karkat’s eyes went wide “Wait...then where is the real Nepeta?”

Dave and Terezi shared a look.

“Karkat…” Terezi sighed into her com link, her mouth set into a hard line “We may have to plan for the worst...If I was a shapeshifter I would want to...get rid of the original.”

Karkat disengaged his com “Oh god…” His eyes were wide as he tore at his hair, red tears beginning to prick at the corners of his eyes “This is MY fault! I never should have sent them down there I-”

John stopped him with a steady hand on his shoulder. He looked so different now, his eyes serious and his stance ready, Karkat could almost actually believe he was the military commander his file said he was. “We don’t know that.” John told him calmly “We DON’T know that. Until then, we do what we have to do.”

Karkat nodded and both of them continued down the hallway towards the engineering section.

 

The Vriska that was once the Eridan that was once the Vriska that was once the- Oh who cares they stopped keeping track at this point. Their head was throbbing as they staggered down the hallway, holding their breath and gritting their teeth as they focused on keeping their current form. A blob of semi-transparent pearly liquid began to melt from their face before they paused, hissing with effort as the blob was slowly absorbed back into the skin. The lights flashed red above them, and they didn’t know what it meant, but they knew it couldn’t be anything good…

Terezi and Dave ran down the hallway past The Vriska. Terezi nodded to her and the shifter nodded back.

“Hi Vriska!” Terezi greeted her “Go back to your dormitory! There’s an emergency didn’t you see the flashing lights?”

The Vriska nodded and stared hard at the troll. “...fine…”

Terezi paused looking at The Vriska, her brows furrowed and-

“Come on!” Dave looked at the readout on his PCD “Let’s go!”

Terezi nodded at Vriska and followed after Dave.

 

When Terezi and Dave arrived at the engineering section Dirk was comforting a still very frazzled Tavros where he sat on the floor and Equius was furiously welding something together, turned away from the group, his welding helmet over his hospital gown.

Dave grimaced and covered his eyes “For fuck’s sake Equius.”

Terezi went to Tavros’s side “Tell me about the monster. What did it do?”

Tavros ran a hand through his sweaty hair, his eyes wide. He threw up his hands “It locked me in a cabinet!”

Dave looked at Tavros, a brow arched  “...That’s it?”

Tavros grimaced “W-well it still fucking sucked!” he huffed “And it did this crazy arm thing and stole my face!”

Terezi hissed “So it’s running around looking like you? Why didn’t you say that before we came?”

Tavros’s face was screwed up in a grimace “IT’S BEEN A WEIRD DAY OK! I ONLY JUST GOT LET OUT OF THE CABINET! GIVE ME SOME SLACK!”

Dave’s brows were furrowed as he pulled up a security camera feed on his tablet, clicking through view after view of the starship hallways. Dave watched as Tavros and Nepeta entered the engineering section and then only what seemed to be Tavros leaving.

“It’s heading towards the dormitories!” Dave announced.

Equius stopped welding and picked up the machine from his workbench. “Excellent.” He powered on the machine, blue light from the circuitry casting harsh shadows across his face. “I have completed the DNA scanner.” Equius ran out of the room, thundering down the hall towards the dormitories, his machine in front of him. “I’M COMING FOR YOU CREATURE! YOU WILL TELL ME WHERE MY NEPETA IS!”

Dirk, Dave, Tavros and Terezi followed close behind him.

 

Equius stomped down the hallway, a giant angry troll in a hospital gown glowering down at a piece of beeping equipment. His ass was still showing through the hospital gown.

Dave and Dirk were behind him. Dave was looking down at the camera feeds on his tablet, trying his best not to look at Equius’s butt. Dirk was looking at the butt. Tavros and Terezi followed closely behind the humans.

Equius came to a glowing puddle in the hallway, the machine in his hands beeping erratically. Equius scowled down at the glowing vomit. “It was HERE.”

There was the sound of something thunking angrily against metal.  Tavros’s brow furrowed “Did someone hear that?”

There was another dull thunk and what could have been a muffled scream.

Tavros put his ear to the floor. “...Hello?” Through the floor there was another thunk. Tavros looked up at Terezi “Help me get this open.”

Tavros and Terezi moved the access panel. Vriska was inside, bruised and bloodied, her prosthetic arm next to her on the bed of wires. She was barely conscious, her eyes screwed shut. Her hand was raised and was still hitting out in front of her.

“Vriska!” Tavros leaned down into the opening, prodding at her shoulder. “Vriska are you ok?”

Vriska opened her eyes blearily, Tavros slowly coming into focus. “T-tavros?”

Tavros smiled “Yea it’s me are y-”

Tavros was interrupted by a fist as Vriska yelped and punched him across the jaw “GET AWAY!”

Tavros hissed and rubbed at his jaw “What the hell!”

Vriska’s eyes widened “Tavros is that you? Like REALLY you?”

Tavros rubbed his jaw and gave her a rueful smile “Yeah It’s me, Vrisk.”

Vriska turned away, tired and bloodied, she began to sob. Tavros reached in and lifted her out of the access panel. Vriska immediately wrapped her arm around his shoulders and began to sob, her face pressed to where his neck met his shoulder. Tavros’s eyes widened, her shared a look with an equally surprised Terezi as he shyly put his hands to Vriska’s back.

Vriska knocked a fist to Tavros’s back as she continued to sob. “If you tell anybody about this I’ll murder your face.” She sobbed and sniffed, muffled by Tavros’s shoulder.

Tavros rolled his eyes “Yeah, yeah, yeah, your secret is safe with me. He reached into the access panel to retrieve her prosthetic arm. He pulled back to offer it to her “Need a hand?”

Vriska sniffed and rubbed her face, accepting the arm with a small laugh. “Shut up nerd.” she threatened, the effect somewhat ruined with the fact that she was still crying, her voice small and strained.

Terezi gasped and turned to Dave “We passed Vriska on the way here! But if Vriska was in th-”

Dave glowered “That wasn’t Vriska! It was close to the security office.”

Equius had hardly heard the approximate location when he began to run, barreling down the hall like an angry steam train, Dirk following close behind him. Dave and Terezi ran after them, engaging their PCDs.

The shifter Vriska stumbled through the hallway. She doubled over, her hands on the wall, shivering with pain as globules of pearly color-changing liquid dripped off her face.

Equius thundered into the hallway, a spirit of burly vengeance in a skimpy hospital gown. “YOU!” He pointed at The Vriska and the creature turned towards him, their face melting and their eyes wide and feral. “WHAT DID YOU DO TO NEPETA?” He growled, his fists up. He yelled and slammed a fist towards the creature.

The creature dodged the punch with an unearthly hiss, melting into a silvery liquid as Equius’s fist dented the steel wall behind them. They slithered behind him and reformed, taking on Eridan’s form and breaking out into a run.

Dirk stood in their way, he engaged his PCD, a katana forming in his hands. He held his sword to the creature. “Just tell us what you did with Nepeta!”

The creature growled, wearing Eridan’s face, they breathed hard, their features shivering and quaking as they looked at Dirk, their eyes slowly turning black and reflective as they stared at Dirk’s glasses. “I d-d-d-ddon’tttt….” The creature hissed and bubbled, the purple streak in Eridan’s hair turning blonde “...w-w-want to hurrrrttttt p-p-people…”

Equius threw another punch, the creature partially melting to avoid his fists. “LIAR!” He screamed “WHERE IS NEPETA!? WHAT DID YOU DO?”

The creature screamed, melting with a splatter of silver liquid and reforming as Dirk this time, their teeth sharp and their arms ending in two swords instead of hands. They lashed back, howling as they slashed at Equius. “N-N-N-NOT-T” They hissed, their mouth opening wider than a human’s mouth could open, filled with rows upon rows of sharp teeth “G-G-GOING B-BACK-K!”

Equius dodged their blows for the most part while blocking some, cuts littering his forearms. He roared and punched back, his muscles ripping the hospital gown and sending the creature careening across the hall, smashing into the other side of the hallway with a splatter of pearly liquid. The creature let out a scream that was so loud they could feel it shake through them, echoing down the hallway as the shapeshifter was reduced to mere liquid.

Equius huffed and Dirk joined him by his side “Is it over?”

The liquid slithered on the floor, moving like liquid mercury to gather back together.

Equius grunted and brought his fists back up, he flexed and the hospital gown fell to his hips, exposing his arms and muscled chest. “I’m afraid not.”

An arm reached up from the liquid with an echoing hiss, the creature that crawled up out of the liquid was a dizzying combination of both Dirk and Equius, their features blending and melding together. It didn’t seem to have the energy to form a lower half, hissing at the both of them, their mouth full of rows and rows of sharp teeth. It swiped an arm towards Dirk, lengthening unnaturally and melting across his chest and face.

Dirk screamed and slashed his sword across the creature, slicing off globules of color changing liquid but more kept coming.

Equius took a running start and jumped, slamming into the creature like a wrestler, his muscles rippling and his hair flying.

The creature once again was splattered apart, the arm holding Dirk fell apart and Dirk fell to the floor with a gasp.

Equius shook his head, rattled from the impact of his own attack. He grabbed underneath him “NOW TELL ME WHERE NE-”

Nepeta looked up at him in her full uniform, her eyes wide and frightened, her helmet cracked and blood running down her face, Equius’s hand was around her neck.

Equius started, pulling away “Nepeta! No I-”

The creature howled and slashed out at him, their arm forming into a whip and knocking Equius into the opposite wall, landing in a painful-looking crunch, his hospital gown fluttering.

Dave and Terezi arrived, both of their swords drawn, the tips of the swords sending sparks down the hallway where they ran across the floor, running down the hallway with determined looks. He swung his sword at the shifter Nepeta, his sword spearing their chest.

The Nepeta looked at him unfazed, but with a dark look in their eyes. They howled and knocked Dave away, the sword still stuck through their middle. The energy sword dissolved once it was disconnected from Dave’s PCD, leaving a large hole that glowed and bubbled. The Nepeta shrieked and hissed, backing away from the group that was slowly advancing towards them. Nepeta began to melt slightly as the creature panicked. Dave’s features began to mix in with Nepeta’s.

“Dave…” Terezi whispered “I’m going to try and incapacitate it...cover me…” Terezi’s sword melted away and she began to advance. The creature watched her, stepping back as she moved forward. “It’s ok…” Terezi soothed “It’s ok…” Terezi summoned an electric prod from her PCD “...it’s ok…”

The creature’s eyes widened when they saw the electricity snap across the weapon. They shrieked and looked desperately for an escape. They spotted a ventilation shaft high above them. They jumped and large wing formed like liquid from their back, they roared and ripped off the cover to the vents before scrambling inside.

The group stared at where the shifter had escaped.

“Fuck.” Terezi hissed.

Equius’s ripped hospital gown fell off.

 

Roxy and Sollux were still in front of the computer. Roxy had fallen asleep slouched over the keyboard, snoring loudly and accidentally typing in rows after rows of keyboard smashes into a section of code. Sollux was next to her, his head resting on her shoulder as he drooled slightly.

The computer chimed.

Roxy snorted awake with a jerk and a start, the imprint of the keyboard on her face as he looked blearily up. “Whu-whu-whu I’m up!”

Sollux rolled off her shoulder and onto the ground with a thud. “....ow….” He announced quietly from the floor.

“Sorry!” Roxy smiled and helped Sollux up into the office chair beside her. “We have something from the machine.”

Sollux yawned, one eye glowing brighter than the other and a lazy spark rolling off one set of horns. “Nice.” He held out a hand for Roxy to high-five.

Roxy gave him the high-five, her hair still mussed and the print of the keyboard across her cheek. She turned her attention to the computer and squinted. “It looks like the program found a couple of video files…” She pressed play and sat back.

The screen was a smudge of grey skin before a troll sat back in their seat, apparently done with setting up the camera. The pretty Indigo smiled and checked out his reflection in the monitor, he had a long graceful neck, high cheekbones, hair that ran past his shoulders, sharp-looking hooked horns and a vicious smile. He hummed and leaned back satisfied.

“That’s better.” He purred “This is Eladak Erenae, head scienterrorist of this terraforming mission and high-ranking member of the Alternian armada of her glorious condescension. He put a purple painted claw to his lip and winked at the camera. “This is my personal video diary, may the glory of our mission be forever preserved.”

The video fizzled out for a moment before a new entry of the video diary began. Eladak was leaning back in the chair, a bottle of nail polish in his hands. He painted his nails leisurely. “This planet is fucking disgusting. Nothing but thick stupid rainforest as far as you can see.” He groused. He blew on his newly painted nails to dry them “I can’t wait to kill everything on this goddamn planet, strip it bare, and make it into something USEFUL.” He  looked thoughtful for a moment “We found these really interesting creatures though...like cat lusii with scales that can change colors…” He smiled down at his nails, shining bright and pearlescent “Their blood makes a gorgeous polish…I might even keep one alive…” He shrugged and began to file his nails ”...Maybe…”

The video fizzled out again and was replaced by another video diary. Eladak was moodily sitting back in his chair, braiding his hair. “Blah blah blah.” Eladak waved the end of his braid around and rolled his eyes “Eladak there’s too many headless lizards, Eladak invisible cats keep attacking during the night and dragging us screaming out of our bunks never to be seen again…” He whined out, imitating annoying crewmembers. He huffed and put a taloned hand to his chest “Does it LOOK like I care?” He stared at the camera “I DON’T! Can’t make a scramble without breaking a couple armored lizard lusii eggs. If I ever want to get off this dirty-ass planet in the middle of nowhere I need something GOOD to take to the empress, something that will get me a ticket out of here….”

The lights flickered behind Eladak and the troll rolled his eyes. He finished his braid and tied it off with a clip in the shapeof a lotus flower “Ugh. It’s that idiot terraformer operator again.” Eladak put a finger to the camera “Hold up.” He rose from his seat and sauntered to the door on the other side of the room. He opened the door, exposing a troll sprawled over the knobs, switches and keys of the terraformer control panel.

“WAKE UP YOU USELESS PIECE OF SHIT!” Eladak yelled and kicked the office chair in front of the monitor, sending the poor troll spinning. With Eladak’s foot up you could see that he was wearing knife-sharp stilettos. “NO SLEEPING ON THE JOB!”

“Sorry! Sorry! Sorry!” past the door one could only see the other troll’s curving horns and an olive green patch on their uniform.

Eladak looked down at him with a sneer “I swear you’re fucking useless.”

Apparently the olive went back to their station as the lights on the inside of the terraformer came back on. “My apologies sir... I’ve been working for eighteen hours and-”

Eladak rolled his eyes “Excuses.” He sauntered back to his desk, his nose in the air “Don’t let me catch you asleep again.”

The video fizzled out with a burst of static and another video began to play. Eladak smiled at the camera like the cat that got the cream, vicious fangs against purple-painted lips. “I asked the mirthful messiahs for a ticket out of here…” Eladak winked at the camera “And mercifully they provided!”

He reached below his desk to fiddle with something. “People had been noticing that some people were acting weird, or there was the same person at different parts of the compound at the same time…”

He pulled up a glass container, filled with something slimy that sloshed around with a pearly sheen. Tendrils from the creature searched the seams of the box desperately for an escape. Eladak smiled at the camera and winked “This little shit is a shape-shifter!” The box was outfitted with thick attached rubber gloves such as those on quarantined rooms. Eladak put his hair up into a loose bun with the lotus flower clip before putting his hands through the gloves.

The creature shivered and squeaked with fear, cowering away from Eladak’s hand. Eladak looked down at the creature with a smile. He picked up an electric probe from the inside of the box “It’s so versatile, watch. It remembers every form it’s been exposed to..” He touched the electric probe to the creature. The shapeshifter squealed in pain, electricity wracking through their gelatinous body. “Oh come on you little fucker…” Eladak hissed “CHANGE!” The creature shivered and shifted, turning into a headless lizard, a tiny scaled cat, a tiny troll and then a mug that was sitting on Eladak’s desk.

Eladak grinned “ With this kind of technology we could change how we look, become stronger, hell we could even GROW our own spaceships!” Eladak grinned “Eladak Erenae, inventor of bio-technology. I like the sound of that.” Through a secure port in the containment unit he introduced a syringe. The creature squeaked pitifully as it was stabbed with the needle, Eladak used the syringe to take a sample of the creature before removing the syringe from the same secure port. Eladak looked at the syringe in front of him, his indigo eyes shining in the light of the slightly-glowing blood.

Eladak tapped a purple-painted claw to his lips in thought “Now...I need something to test this on...something-”

Just then the lights behind Eladak flickered off. The troll was illuminated by the light of the monitor, his eyes flickering in the darkness. He looked towards the door leading to the control room, a vicious smile spreading across his face.

“...Something useless…” He whispered, sharp-toothed into the darkness.

In the next video diary Eladak was leaning back in his chair again, this time his uniform was ripped, long claw marks across his body and blood splatters across his front. He seemed absolutely content, a lit cigarette held delicately in his painted claws.

“You know…” Eladak took a drag of the cigarette, he closed his eyes and they could see that he had glitter eyeliner on “My dad always told me I was smart, but he was wrong…”

Something roared in the distance and Eladak looked to the camera with a feral sharp-toothed grin.

“I’m a fucking genius.”

The moment didn’t last though, Eladak’s smile fell as his eyes focused on something in the distance. “Wait what the fuck is tha-”

Golden light seeped through the cracks in the metal plating. The room was bathed in blinding light, melting away the colors in a bright dazzling wave of brilliance. Eladak screamed and the camera fizzled and the video ended.

Roxy and Sollux stood dumbfounded in front of the screen as the last of the video fizzled away.

“...Holy thit.” Sollux whispered. Roxy nodded in agreement, her eyes wide.

 

Nepeta sat on the back of the armored cat, her spear at her side and a determined look on her face. Her makeshift cloak billowed behind her as the cat moved through the narrow halls and jagged corridors of the broken terraformer. The chameleon cat padded through the machine, gracefully jumping gaps where the hallways had torn apart completely, dark void yawning beneath them.

It looks as if the half-buried terraformer was beginning to tear apart under the weight of the sand. Hallways were bent into unnatural angles as they continued up towards the apex of the machine, towards the control panel.

Throughout the machine odd charred stains littered the walls. Nepeta squinted at the odd blotches, her eyes widening when she recognized the shapes of trolls in the ash. Trolls running, trolls pressed against the wall in fear, trolls that had collapsed to the floor in fear. There were also the signs of daily life having been suddenly and rudely interrupted. Coffee mugs shattered on the ground, the rotted paper of what used to be file folders that had been dropped and toppled desk chairs.

Nepeta’s brows furrowed as the chameleon cat delicately stepped around an ashy smudge on the floor, distinctly in the shape of a troll. “...What happened to these people?” Nepeta murmured.

As they got closer and closer to the control room the armored cat slowly became less and less visible, a wirework of shimmering blue light and floating yellow eyes, walking slower and being sure not to make any noise.

Nepeta clambered off their back. “Stay hidden…” She whispered, holding her spear in front of her. The chameleon cat gave her one last hard look, their yellow eyes shining before they disappeared completely, whispering away like a half-remembered dream. Nepeta was alone again.

She stalked forward down the dark hallway, her cloak was pulled up over her head, her helmet was streaked in jagged stripes, the warpaint and the calm look of determination making her features dark. She held her spear tightly, walking carefully as to not make any noise.

“Haaaaapyyy hatch-dayyyy….” The voice echoed down the dark corridor, metallic and distorted “Haaaaaapyyyyy hatchhhhh-dddddaaaayyyyy….” The song sent a chill down Nepeta’s spine “Haaaapppppyyyy haaaaappppyyyy hattttchhhh-dayyyy toooo youuuuuuu….”

The creature was still sitting by the terraformer control panel. Nepeta could see their great hunched and shaggy-haired shoulders looming in the sparse white light emanating from the panel, sending long dark shadows across the room.

The creature watched enraptured at the screen as the electronic hatch-day card played. The colors of the animation reflected in their silver pupil less eyes. A strained gurgle rose from the creature’s throat that with a great deal of imagination almost sounded like they were trying to either mimic the noise or to sing along. Their four jaws unhinged lazily, their tongues sweeping out to clean the bony segments covered in teeth.

Nepeta studied the inside of the room. When they had first encountered this room they had opened a thick metal door to get inside. The door in question was gaping open, leading out towards what what once a lab of some sorts. If she could get it into the other room….

Nepeta looked around her in the hallway. By the door leading to the control room, half-buried in the sand, something white was poking out. Nepeta pulled out what looked like a slightly cracked mug. The mug was in the shape of an armored lizard lusus, the armored tail making the handle of the mug.

Nepeta shrugged and tested the cup’s weight in her hands. “Here goes nothing.” She whispered to herself. She chucked the mug across the room, through the open door and into the lab on the other side where it shattered with a delicate-sounding crash.

The creature looked up from the control panel, their pointed ears swiveled towards the sound. They rose from the control panel, an agitated growl coming from deep in their throat, their jaws separating and their tongues swaying back and forth like a cat’s tail before they pounce. It lept into the laboratory area with a roar.

Nepeta took the opportunity. She ran into the room, her cloak billowing behind her. She took a hold of the edge of the thick steel door, giving the metal a hard kick. The metal groaned and moved obstinately.

The creature looked up from the little shattered mug on the ground. Their jaws separated, tongues waved, they roared and leapt towards the doorway they-

Nepeta yelled and pushed the door closed just in time, the shape of a large muted fist dented the metal as the creature slammed into the door on the other side. Nepeta hissed and turned the locking mechanism.

Nepeta turned towards the machine. She picked up a desk chair that had been thrown off to the side of the room, the cushions having long since rotted away. She sat down in front of the control panel and unhooked the plastic file from the sash around her middle. She gently propped up the “Terraformer operation: A training guide” against the monitor and flipped to the appropriate laminated page.

The monster screeched and banged on the other side of the door.

Nepeta swallowed and put her hands to the keyboard in front of her “Ok” She whispered, wetting her lips with her tongue “Let’s see if this works.”

 

John and Karkat ran down the hallways of the Starship Skaia.

“WHAT DO YOU MEAN IT JUST GOT AWAY?” Karkat yelled into the com line “YOU HAD IT AND YOU LET IT GET AWAY?”

John touched his own com line. “Is there a way to track it?”

Equius’s hospital gown had torn away during the last battle, the large troll was blushing furiously and holding the tattered remains of it in front of him. Dirk coughed and without looking at the troll offered Equius his hoodie which the troll gratefully accepted, tying it around his waist to keep at most a semblance of dignity.

Dirk nodded and touched his com “Equius found a puddle of the creature’s DNA and has been put that into a scanner so we can check people we suspect to be a shifter.”

Dave nodded and looked over the scanner. “We can load the signature into the security system, scan for their presence on all floors.”

John nodded into his com “Great! We’ll find it soon.”

He was stopped by Karkat’s hand on his arm “I don’t think we’ll need that anymore.”

John’s brow furrowed as he turned to Karkat “Why wouldn’t we-”

Through the vent on the ceiling a steady stream of globular silver-pearly and color changing liquid seeped from the grate, pooling on the floor like a bubble of liquid mercury. The liquid pooled together, coalescing into a bubbly and shimmering mass. The mass lurched and hissed, arms tried to reach out from the mass, reaching and grasping before the creature shivered and groaned as if in pain before the limbs dissolved again. The creature curled in on itself, the liquid bubbling and shifting, slowly forming shapes and clarifying until it was roughly humanoid in shape. They were hunched on all fours, shivering and gasping.

They looked up and hissed at John and Karkat, their mouth splitting into two for a moment before melting back into one, rows of troll and human teeth forming and melting away in their maw.

John touched his com “We found the thing you guys.”

Dave’s eyes widened “John stay right there! We’re coming to you!”

Roxy suddenly called into John’s com “John! We just found some files from the data dump! The shifter was being used as a test subject! It’s where the Alternians developed their bio-mechanic technology from!”

Karkat engaged his PCD, a pair of glowing sickles forming in his hands as the creature trembled and staggered to their feet. The creature’s hair lengthened and shortened, a multitude of eyes appearing across their bodies, Tavros’s and Vriska’s and Sollux’s and Eridan’s horns appearing on their head and running down their back, multiple sets of arms stretched out from their back and sides, the fingers lengthening into claws. The creature backed away from them and hissed.

Karkat raised his sickled in front of him “TELL US WHAT YOU DID WITH NEPETA!”

Globs of pearly liquid shivered and rolled down their limbs. “S-S-S-T-T-A-A-A-A-Y-Y A-A-A-W-W-W-A-A-A-A-Y-Y-Y-Y”

Karkat spun the sickles in his hands “I’M NOT GOING TO ASK YOU AGAIN! TELL US WHERE SHE IS!” He began to advance towards the creature.

Tendrils rose up from the creature’s back, snaking back and forth and hissing. The tendrils whipped through the air, the tips hardening into sharp harpoon-like ends “S-S-S-S-T-T-T-T-A-A-A-Y-Y-Y  A-A-A-W-W-W-W-A-A-A-Y-Y-Y!!!!”

Karkat growled “FINE! NO MORE GAMES!” He raised his sickles and-

John stopped him, putting a hand in front of Karkat. “Karkat wait.” He whispered

Karkat looked up at him, his brows furrowed “What the hell are you talking about? It KNOWS where Nepeta is! IT MIGHT HAVE EVEN KILLED NEPETA!”

John held his hands limply to his hands and began walking towards the crouched and hissing creature. “Except you didn’t.” He addressed the silvery mass of eyes, horns teeth and tendrils. He walked calmly towards the beast “You didn’t hurt Tavros, you just put him in a cabinet. When Vriska attacked you, you fought back but you didn’t kill her...even when you had the opportunity…”

The creature backed away from John “S-S-T-T-A-A-A-Y-Y A-W-W-A-A-Y-Y!!!” Another tendril snapped out at John like whip. A cut appeared on John’s arm and Karkat gasped.

John didn’t even flinch, only pausing before stepping calmly forward. “You could’ve hurt Dave and Terezi when they passed you, you could’ve hurt Equius and Dirk… but you didn’t...You ran away the first chance you got…”

The creature shrank away from him as John approached, curling in on themselves, pressed against the wall.

John stood next to them, stooping to get on their level “I might be wrong but...I don’t think you really want to hurt anyone…”

The creature looked up at John, their many eyes filled with tears “D-D-D-O-O-O-N-N’-T-T W-A-A-A-N-T-T-T HU-U-R-R-T-T-T” Their many mouths spoke stutteringly and slightly out of sync as tears began to roll down their face.

John nodded sympathetically “I don’t think you want to hurt anyone either…” He gave them a stern but kind look, the kind of look all parents master “I need to know what happened to Nepeta though.” He pulled up Nepeta’s file on his tablet and showed the creature her picture.

The creature’s many eyes widened. They straightened up and grabbed the front of John’s uniform “Ah! Ah! Ah!” They murmured but couldn’t find the words. They put one of their hands to their chest “Ah! Ah! Ah!”

John frowned and turned towards Karkat “The universal translator isn’t working. I guess it didn’t have a language before it met us…”

The creature frowned and looked down, their brows furrowed in thought. It brought its hands in front of John, desperately trying to mime something. They raised one hand above the other and made the top hand fall onto the bottom hand. They put a hand to their forehead “H-HURT!”

John’s brows furrowed “Nepeta is hurt? Is that what you’re saying?” He shook his head “Please just tell us everything.”

The creature looked at John wide-eyed and nodded“I S-Show.” And with that the creature burst into liquid, rolling and bubbling and swirling together.

Through the silvery liquid images began to surface and clarify, like a tiny three-dimensional replica. There was a lush alien jungle, rich with color and teeming with life. An armored cat looking thing stalked through the trees, changing colors to meld into the forest. Things that looked like silver slugs slithered on the forest floor away from the cat, turning into plants to avoid being preyed upon.

The jungle shivered and shook as wind ran through the trees. Large red ships appeared in the sky, slowly lowering towards the planet’s surface. Through the trees the little silver slugs watched as troll crewmembers unloaded their ships, a large machine was set into the planet surface, coming to life and pumping oxygen into the atmosphere. The plants shriveled and died.

The little shifter wandered closer to the troll facility, watching as the trolls talked and conversed with each other. It tried turning into one of the crewmembers and succeeded, laughing as the snuck in among their ranks, they curiously went through the troll’s belongings under the guise of a troll like an inquisitive child, stealing worthless baubles and trinkets to take back to the forest.

The creature was discovered though, and the next scene was of electricity and inescapable boxes. There was cruel hands and purple eyes and a wicked malicious smile, the little shifter curled into a sad little ball.

There was screaming, and someone being held down while they kicked and tried to get away, the little shifter wanting desperately to help but not being able to do anything in their little box.

Then there was light, bright bright light! Light so powerful and so strong that it knocked the shifter’s box off the table and into a wall where it shattered and finally it could escape! There was screaming, and running, and feet trampling down the hallways in blind panic. Something, many somethings stood above the trolls, walking calmly through as the trolls shot volleys of energy blasts at the creatures. The creatures were unfazed, the energy not even touching them, the largest among them raised a clawed hand gloved in shining golden gauntlets, a wave of bright light radiated from them, the trolls turning away with a scream and then they were gone, their guns clattering to the ground where they used to stand.

The shifter ran, they climbed into the garbage chute, curling in on themselves and watching light flash above them at the top of the chute.

Light and darkness and light and darkness flashed at the top of the chute. Day and night blurred together and John got the idea that the creature had been down there for a very, very long time.

There was a scream. The shifter looked up curiously as bolts of energy once again flashed at the top of the chute. A young troll fell down the chute, tumbling down with a shriek before landing beside the shifter.

The shifter looked at Nepeta curiously, circling around her, prodding at her and then cowering away as if she would bite them. They turned into Nepeta, they tried to pick Nepeta up and pull her out of the chute but the shifter struggled under the unconscious troll’s weight. There was murmuring from the top of the chute as Vriska and Tavros argued. The shifter shrugged and picked up the PCD from beside Nepeta. They climbed the chute themselves and joined the group. They tried to pull Tavros towards the chute to get Nepeta but the creature in the control room came back to life.

The shifter in the image revealed being around people after being alone for so long.

“You were lonely…” John supplemented.

The mini-shifter in the scene nodded. There was then the image of everyone on the ship angry, they growled and held the shifter above their heads before throwing them back into the chute where the shifter was once again alone.

John nodded again “And worried you would have to be alone again…” He put a hand to the shifter’s approximate shoulder, it was difficult to tell with their amorphous body but John thought that the sentiment was conveyed nonetheless. The creature melted at his touch, eyes closing along its body with an audible sigh.

“You don’t have to be alone anymore.” John whispered. “But in exchange…”

The creature looked up at him expectantly.

John gave them a serious look “In exchange I need you to help us get Nepeta back.”

 

Roxy and Sollux sat together in the technology office, the stark glow of the computer monitors. Roxy was hugging her knees to her chest, her brows drawn up and her worrying her bottom lip between her teeth.

“Do you think she’s ok?” Roxy whispered.

Sollux sighed, looking down at his hands “If thhe really wath left down there...I don’t know…”

Roxy’s mouth pinched and she sniffed “Oh god...Nepeta…”

Sollux looked over at her, his brows drawn. He shyly put a hand to Roxy’s back. Surprised when Roxy leaned into his touch.

The computer chimed.

Roxy rocketed up from her office chair, once again knocking sollux out of his office chair and sending him careening to the floor.

Roxy’s brows furrowed “It’s a signal!” She pulled up another screen “It’s so odd though...it’s faint but maybe if I magnified the signal…”

An audio waveform showed on screen, there was a long minute off hisses and scratches and then finally-

“Hello!” A slightly garbled voice sounded through the hissy audio “This is Nepeta Leijon, crewmember of The Starship Skaia, I have been stranded on the desert planet! Space section theta, planet E-37! If you received this message please send help! Repeat please send help!”

Sollux stood up from the floor as Roxy jumped up and down with joy. “AHHH!!!” Roxy grabbed Sollux around his middle, picking up the lanky troll and spinning him around. “SHE’S ALIVE!!” Roxy jumped up and down, Sollux confused but not complaining in her arms. “SHE’S ALIVE SHE’S ALIVE!”

Roxy dipped Sollux and gave the extremely surprised troll a kiss.

Before Sollux could react however, Roxy dropped him rudely to the floor again in favor of picking up her communicator.

“JOHN!” Roxy screamed joyfully into her communicator “SHE’S ALIVE! SHE’S STILL IN THE TERRAFORMER!”

 

Nepeta leaned over the terraformer control panel “Hello?” Her brows were furrowed and her mouth was pinched “I have no idea if I’m doing this right.”

The creature roared and continued to slam against the door, the metal creaking as it began to pull away from the wall.

Nepeta rose from the office chair, picking up her spear and hooking the manual back to her sash.

The creature’s paws reached through the split between door and doorframe, the monster’s talons scraping across the metal with a horrifying shriek, metal shavings falling to the floor in ribbons. With one final hit the door finally gave away, slamming open. The monster’s jaws separated into four sections with a piercing scream, tongues waving in the air like snakes. The creature was hunkered down like a gorilla, it slammed its fists angrily into the floor and began to run towards Nepeta, its jaws open and-

Nepeta dug her spear into the floor, pole-vaulting over the creature, landing on it’s back and somersaulting behind it and into the laboratory. Nepeta broke out into a run, racing through the congesting laboratory and jumping over desks.

The creature was confused for a moment, grabbing at the air where Nepeta was supposed to be before turning around and growling at the quickly retreating Nepeta. It thundered through the laboratory, breaking through desks with a shatter. Nepeta kept running, her spear beside her, the creature reached out, it’s talons just about touching the hem of her fluttering cloak and-

Something slashed at the creature’s face. Long scratch marks appearing across their face and chest. The creature howled and slashed through the air, trying to find what was attacking it. It missed and the creature was sent careening backwards, more scratch marks appearing across the creature’s belly.

Nepeta yelped as something yanked her upwards. Suddenly she could feel scales under her fingers. The chameleon cat roared and leapt towards the creature again, their scales flashing a bright blue as they prepared for each attack before fading to nothingness as they landed blow upon blow on the creature. The creature roared, swinging their paws out and landing a lucky blow on the chameleon cat that sent them across the room, their talons digging into the hard metal floor, making thick grooves. Nepeta gripped the scales of the cat as they were knocked back.

In the laboratory Nepeta could see rows and rows of containment units, broken and weathered but-

Nepeta leaned in towards the cat, bringing up her spear “One more time! I have a plan!”

The creature roared, slamming their paws to the ground in a fearsome display. The cat roared in response, charging forward. The cat slashed across the creature’s face, Nepeta brought up her spear and yelled, plunging the weapon into the creature’s belly. The creature roared and fell back, the weight of the chameleon cat pushing the spear deeper into it’s guts.

The creature fell into one of the large containment units, the only containment unit that seemed large enough to house it, claw marks already littering the walls. The energy connections were bent out of place from the inside, keeping the streams of energy from connecting and forming a solid barrier.

Nepeta jumped off of the chameleon cat as the creature laid inside the barrier. The creature was dead for now but already Nepeta could see the cuts along their face and belly healing.

Nepeta kicked at the large barrel-like energy connector “Come on!” She screamed the metal creaking and moving incrementally “Come on!”

The creature raised their paw, gripping the spear and growling as they slowly began to pull it out of their own chest.

“Come on!” Nepeta screamed, bracing against a desk and using all of her weight to bend the connection into place “COME ON!”

The spear clattered to the ground with a splatter of green-grey blood. It rose slowly, its bones cracking back into place inside its chest.

“COME ON!” Nepeta kicked again.

The creature rose from the ground with a growl. It reached for Nepeta and-

 

The Starship Skaia was once again about the desert planet. The pod careened down to the surface of the planet, once again landing near the terraformer. Equius was the first one out of the pod, he was not a crewmember that was trained to go off ship but he demanded to come on this mission. Nobody had the heart or the ability to deny him.

They were with a larger ground team this time, all armed with the laser cannons Dirk had built.

John and Karkat exited the pod next, the shifter standing shyly next to John, their features mixing and blurring. They looked up at John, tapping their fingers together.

“It’s ok.” John nodded down at the alien “Help us find Nepeta and make sure she’s alright. I promise we won’t leave you here.”

The shifter nodded and followed Equius, the larger troll sending it a dirty look but turning back towards his task.

“If Nepeta is dead…” Karkat stood next to John “I’m leaving it on this hellhole.”

John didn’t look at Karkat. “She’s alive.” He whispered, watching the shifter follow Equius through the sand “She’s alive…”

Equius looked around him, the wind howling and kicking up dust and sand. “NEPETA!” He screamed “NEPETA!”

Karkat growled and grabbed Equius’s arm “SHUT UP! DIDN’T YOU HEAR ABOUT THE GIANT FUCKING MONSTER ON THIS PLANET?”

Equius wrenched his arm away “I DON’T GIVE A DARN! NEPETA IS STILL OUT HERE AND-”

There was a figure in the distance, walking slowly towards them. A ratty cloak billowed around them, carried by the desert storm. There was a bloodied spear in their hands. They stalked towards them, their front splattered with blood, dark warpaint striped across the front of their helmet. They reached the group and lowered their hood.

Equius stared at Nepeta.

Nepeta stared at Equius.

Equius’s eyes filled with blue tears, he picked Nepeta up and pulled her into a hug, tears running down his cheeks behind his atmospheric helmet. “NEPETA! He sobbed rocking her back and forth “NEPETA!”

Green tears rolled down Nepeta’s own cheeks “I’m ok you big lug.” She whispered, patting the back of his helmeted head “What took you so furcking long?”

Equius laughed and set her back on her feet, bracketing her helmeted face between two strong hands, their face shields clinking together as they embraced.

The shifter stood awkwardly off to the side, tapping their fingers together nervously.

Nepeta turned away from Equius to face the shifter. The shifter looked at her, their features blending and shifting until they were once again a perfect copy of Nepeta.

“Oh wow…” Nepeta breathed. She turned back to the group “I guess this is why you didn’t notice right away….”

Equius sneered “I for ONE noticed IMMEDIATELY!”

Nepeta snickered and turned back towards the shifter, her and the alien regarding each other, a perfect mirror image.

The shifter pulled away, their features shivering uncertainly “S-S-Sorry I didn’t want...to hurt y-y-ou…”

Nepeta shrugged and smiled “I think I get it...You were alone fur a furry long time…” She brightened up remembering something “Oh I have something of yours!” She dug in her pockets and fished out the makeshift doll from the creature’s nest “I think this is yours!”

The shifter smiled gratefully, hugging the dirty makeshift doll to their chest lovingly.

Karkat turned to Nepeta “What about the creature?”

Nepeta smiled and put her hands to her hips proudly “I took care of it! I trapped it in an energy thingy!”

There was a distant creak of metal and a loud roar.

Nepeta stiffened “An energy thingy that they probably escaped before... So we should probably go!”

The group nodded in agreement, hurrying back to the pod like a flock of frazzled chickens at the sight of a fox.

Nepeta watched the terraformer from the window if the pod as it rose back into the sky. The chameleon cat lounged languidly on top of the terraformer, sunning itself in full view. It regarded Nepeta with satisfaction, before jumping off the terraformer and disappearing.

 

 

The shifter became an honorary member of the Starship Skaia, despite everyone’s misgivings it soon became a common sight to see it skipping down the hallways of the Starship or entertaining the ship kids with parlour tricks, reveling in finally having people to be with.

Roxy regarded the shifter who was currently gleefully entertaining a group of children, turning into a flock of birds and then a cat and then Dirk as the kids clapped and yelled suggestions for things it should turn into.

“You know…” Roxy shrugged and turned to Dirk next to her “I think we should name her Sprite.”

Dirk stopped his work to give her a look. “I think they're beyond gender Rox...wait you mean like the soda?”

Roxy rolled her eyes “No like in an old video game! You know how the character can change looks using different sprites?”

Dirk nodded “Or like the fairy.”

Roxy rolled her eyes “You’re such a butt.”

 

Nepeta unfolded the picture she took from the terraformer dormitories, the young olive blooded troll laughing as they hugged their armored lizard lusus.

Equius watched her with interest “Who is that?”

Nepeta looked at the picture sadly, the little photograph framed by the endless stars rolling past her dormitory window. “Someone who died a very long time ago…”

 

The creature sat at the side of the control panel monitor, staring intensely at the animation on screen.

“Happy hatch-day Gelgih!” the little electronic card read as the music blared obnoxiously.

“From, Dad.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! Did you like it? Did I surprise you? Did you hate it and think I should never write again? Did you find my easter eggs?
> 
> ALL OF THESE OPINIONS AND MORE YOU SHOULD PUT RIGHT DOWN HERE IN THE COMMENTS!!!! :D!!!
> 
> But for realsies I love hearing from all of you and this chapter was a LOT of work, but I wanted to give you something meaty before I went on my 1 month NANORIMO hiatus.
> 
>  
> 
> Comment on me like one of your french girls.
> 
> I love alla y'all. <3


	20. Starship Skaia holiday special! Year two!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Casey has been sad because John has been too busy fighting aliens and junk, so John is going to make sure that Casey has the best Christmas ever!
> 
> Misunderstandings, Icelandic demonic Christmas cats, tentacle monsters, knife fights!
> 
> Yup! Just an old-fashioned wholesome Christmas.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi Guys! Sorry I didn't get this out right away! I meant to post this in the morning but yanno...things happened.
> 
> Anywho! I hope you enjoy!

John and Karkat were in John’s office. John sat behind his desk, his hands clasped together, the picture of a pensive and business-like captain. Karkat leaned moodily against the wall behind him, refusing the chair John had offered.

Jade stood before them, a holographic map of the Starship Skaia spinning slowly between them, casting pale light onto Jade’s face.

Jade sighed “Look I know you guys want our security protocols to be better, I want them to be better too but…” She shook her head “We have laser grids, DNA scanners, planetary probes, mandatory decontamination…” She put a hand to the bridge of her nose and rubbed there, knocking her glasses askew. “We are treading in unknown waters here, given statistically the amount of planets that carry life and how diverse the life is on each planet, there is absolutely no way to account for every lifeform we could possibly encounter.” Jade sighed “All we can really do is be as secure as we can be and then just kinda...improvise…”

Karkat shook his head incredulously, throwing up a clawed hand, his brows furrowing “Improvise? ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS?”

Jade gave him a pained look “We’re upgrading the laser grid, Dave and his team are changing how they respond to active aliens on board, upgrading medical protocols, we’re doing the best we can here!”

Karkat gave Jade a flat look “You’re doing the best you can? I CAN’T PROTECT THIS ENTIRE SHIP AND EVERYONE ON BOARD WITH YOUR EXCUSES.”

John looked back at Karkat “She has a point through, we can’t possibly know everything we could ever encounter, we just have to set up the best defense we can and then...just go with it.”

Karkat growled and rubbed the bridge of his nose “Nepeta almost died because our measures to detect alien life failed!”

Jade sighed “We’re doing DNA scans of incoming off-planet crews now and-”

Karkat put up a clawed hand “But what if the next one can mimic DNA? What if they’re a sentient fungus that grows in someone’s brain? Or clones or-”

Jade shrugged “Well that is what the medical scan was for, it’s just that Nepeta’s shifter could mimic organs for a short period of time…”

Karkat motioned forcefully “THAT’S WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT!” he bit down on the claw of his thumb, deep in thought “What about blood samples? According to Tavros one thing the shifter couldn’t mimic was blood!”

John’s nose scrunched in thought “Maybe because it hadn’t seen any of us bleed before…”

Karkat looked back at him, chewing a claw nervously and pacing back and forth “Well wouldn’t it change in the vial? Or maybe organ biopsies...”

Jade grimaced “Organ biopsies? Karkat are you listening to yourself? That’s getting a bit invasive isn’t it?”

Karkat growled, rubbing a hand across his forehead. He crossed his arms and went to the window of John’s cabin, looking out at the expanse of stars that swirled past. “I’m fucking tired of aliens getting on this goddamn ship!” He hissed, exasperated. He turned towards John and Jade “We always only JUST get by! I don’t want to be on the other end of one of these STUPID ALIEN INVASIONS only to find out that- Yeah actually the thing that we think wants to kill us, ACTUALLY WANTS TO KILL US!” He motioned forcefully with his hands “The universe isn’t all sunshine and rainbows, we’ve been so GODDAMN LUCKY.”

Karkat looked back at the stars whirling past the window the lights reflecting in his red eyes. “I’m DONE with letting random shit onto this goddamn spaceship.”

Jade sighed and disengaged the hologram. “We’ll keep improving.” She gave Karkat a meaningful look as she began to leave, pausing with one hand on the doorframe “AND DOING THE BEST WE CAN.”

John watched her leave. He sighed and stood up from his desk, pushing back his metal chair. He walked towards the window Karkat was looking through, their reflections pale against the endless, infinite void of space. John looked out the window as well, his blue eyes flicking over star after star “She’s right you know…”

Karkat sighed. His lips twisted into a frown “...”

John leaned over, trying to catch Karkat’s eyes “What happened with Nepeta wasn’t your fault.”

Karkat looked back at John, a scowl on his face “Like HELL it wasn’t! I’m her captain I’m supposed to-”

John shook his head, frowning slightly “We’re BOTH her captain, and in the end there are just some things we can’t control, plans that go astray, things that don’t go right.” He smiled softly and shrugged “Our defenses have already mitigated a great deal of risk, scanning planets, sending probes, PCDs to track crewmembers, laser grids… 

John put a hand to Karkat’s shoulder, turning the smaller troll to face him “Karkat you’re only hu-” John’s eyes widened and he chuckled, shaking his head.

Karkat’s brows furrowed “What? I’m only what?”

John snorted “Well on our planet we have a saying “I’m only human” which you know, you’re not but-” He shook his head and smile “Well the meaning still remains. It’s a saying meant to acknowledge your limits. You’re not a god, you can’t see into the future or anything, you can only do... well…” John smiled sadly at Karkat “The best you can…”

Karkat shrugged off John’s hand. Karkat shook his head and looked away “John I-”

There was a knock on the door. Rose Lalonde stepped into the room, her lilac eyes flicking between John and Karkat “Is this a good time?”

Karkat huffed, pulling away and crossing his arms again. He looked away “Yeah sure. Whatever.”

John looked to Rose and waved “Hi Rosie! What’s up?”

Rose stepped towards John. She wore a long lilac silk scarf over a pearly white uniform with light purple accents. A pair of pearl earrings glinted through her pale hair, her boots clicked on the paneled floor.

She turned towards Karkat, giving him a meaningful look. “May we have some privacy?” She asked quietly

Karkat put up a hand “What? I was here first!” He pointed between Rose and John, waving a clawed hand dismissively “You leave, take him with you.”

John shook his head at Karkat, his nose wrinkling with indignation “What? This is MY office! YOU leave!”

Rose scoffed and rolled her eyes, putting a hand to her temple “Ugh. You are both such children.”

She crossed her arms and turned back to John “You need to spend more time with our daughter.” Rose took a piece of paper from her pocket and handed it to John. John accepted it and unfolded the paper.

It was a crayon drawing. On the drawing a little girl stood alone, a big frown on her face. Off in the corner of the page there was a picture of John. The little scribbly John seemed to be screaming, big jagged lightning bolts coming from his gun as he shot at a green blob alien with eyes all along its sides. A scribbly Karkat was next to John. The scribble Karkat seemed to be screaming,his mouth full of jagged triangle teeth, his brows furrowed and his arms flailing. The caption of the drawing, written in large lopsided blue crayon was “Dad is too busy fighting aliens” this caption was accompanied by another frowny face.

Karkat leaned over John’s shoulder, scowling at the drawing “I don’t look like that.” he whispered indignantly.

John sniffed. Karkat looked up and was surprised to see John’s blue eyes filling with tears. He gripped the paper taut between his hands, his lip quivering. “I-I-I am failing as a father!”

Rose shook her head and sighed “You aren’t failing as a father John…”

John clutched the drawing to his chest, his eyes wide and watery “Rose she thinks I’m too busy for her!”

Rose smiled lopsidedly. She put a hand on John’s shoulder “She knows what you’re doing is important…” Rose shrugged and sighed “That being said, she’s just a little kid who loves her dad and wants to spend more time with him.”

Rose removed her hand, her lips pressed into a hard line “It’s just been a bit hard for her. You took early retirement when she was born to raise her, you spent all of your time with her as a stay-at-home dad before when we were on Earth, and now she has to adjust with you working a demanding job that takes a lot of your focus and energy. Her reaction is natural.”

John looked down at the drawing and sniffed, tears welling up in his eyes as he gripped the paper. The little crayon Casey frowning up at him unhappily “My poor Casey Wasey.”

Rose smiled at him “It’s almost Christmas. Why don’t you do something Christmassy with her?” Rose put a hand to her chest, a proud smile on her face “We’ve already gone over the standard Christmas demons, we’ve celebrated the night of the Krampus on the fifth, I’ve taught her about the icelandic monster cat, Jólakötturinn and given her a pair of socks to escape his wrath… The Yule hag Frau Perchta, Belsnickel, Hans Trapp, Père Fouettard, the murderous Christmas butcher, Gryla the Christmas ogre who eats children…”

John gave her a flat look “Rose... why do you do this?”

Rose looked affronted, her lips pursed and her eyebrows furrowed “John this is culture!”

“She’s going to get nightmares Rose!” John threw up his hands.

John rubbed the bridge of his nose and sighed “Alright, it’s settled, me and Casey are going to spend some good old-fashioned Christmas time together.” His mouth pressed into a harsh line, his hands firmly on his hips “Without any Christmas demons, or murderous Christmas goblins or-”

Rose raised a finger “Gryla is a murderous Christmas _Ogre,_ John.”

John sighed “Yes thank you.” He put his hands on his hips “With exactly ZERO murderous Christmas ogres!”

Rose rolled her eyes “Fine, fine, do it your way.” She turned away and began to saunter out of the room. She leaned back into the room to smile at John “Though I don’t see how you can have a proper Christmas without Christmas demons.” And with one final chuckle Rose was gone.

When Rose was gone, John pulled up the drawing again, sighing at the little crayon drawing of Casey. The little crayon version of his daughter frowning exaggeratedly.

Karkat shrugged “I don’t see why you’re so bent out of shape about this.”

John turned towards Karkat “You’ll learn when you have-” He paused again “Well I suppose Trolls don’t raise their offspring so you won’t ever really have kids.”

Karkat side-eyed John “It’s still really weird thinking of you as a lusus. I know that’s the only reason our planet even bothered with your species but…” Karkat shrugged “I guess it’s just odd that you can raise children AND talk.”

John looked over at Karkat “I thought that lusii could talk...or er… at least write. I heard about a couple of lusii that went to Earth that could write. The one who won the court case and was like...an armadillo or something...”

Karkat shrugged “Well yeah, if they’re particularly old and clever enough, most of them either can’t or just haven’t bothered. My lusus was a giant crab beast. He never learned to write he just screeched and clacked his claws around.”

John’s lips were pressed into a hard line “That sounds...pretty awful actually…”

Karkat huffed and smacked John’s arm good naturedly “I loved my lusus a lot, that old screaming bastard…” Karkat smiled fondly, looking out again into the void of space “What I’m trying to say is that the most important thing is that you love her right? The rest falls into place.”

John smiled “That’s actually...really encouraging…” He smiled and bumped shoulders with Karkat “Thanks.”

Karkat rolled his eyes “Yeah whatever.”

They stood for a moment, watching the stars together when suddenly John grinned, suppressing a laugh.

Karkat sighed “WHAT?”

John snickered “So if your dad is a crab….” He turned towards Karkat, a little giggle escaping his lips “Does that make you a little crabby?”

Karkat stared at him, his brows furrowed and his nose crinkled “Alright I don’t think that translated correctly across the universal translator, but judging by your voice and the fact that you can’t stop giggling like a fucking juvenile, I can tell that was a pun so FUCK YOU.”

John laughed, looking back into the expanse of stars. Karkat looked back at him, secretly proud of the smile on John’s face and the fact that he created it.

“Casey will have such a good Christmas holiday…” John whispered “I can’t wait.”

 

Casey slept in her room, snoring quietly, connected to the same suite of rooms as John’s were. The walls of the room were LED screens, playing an animated loop of grass swaying gently in the breeze, little cartoon lightning bugs bobbed gently through the scene, glowing serenely. The scene was set against a dark night sky, clouds swirling and moving lazily across the room, stars twinkling beyond them. A cartoon crescent moon snoring silently above, a little sleep cap on their head.

The electronic door opened with a WHOOSH. John peeked in. He took a moment to look at the way Casey was sleeping, spread out with her blonde hair in a horrible mess, clutching a yellow salamander plushie Kanaya had sewn for her at Rose’s request. Stuffed animals, half-finished art projects and children’s science kits from Jade .

“Hey kiddo…” John touched the light switch by the door. The ambient light in the room increased and the moving animation on the wall shifted, the cartoon moon fading and being replaced with a smiling sun, the stars and lightning bugs disappearing and the color of the artificial sky turning a lighter blue.

Casey yawned, stretching out her little arms covered in yellow pajamas. She opened her eyes blearily. “Hi dad…”

John sat on the edge of her bed and smoothed back some of Casey’s wild blonde hair from her face “Time to get up sweetpea. Merry Christmas eve!”

Casey yawned and sat up in bed, squeezing her little eyes shut and rubbing them with a back of her hand. She leaned forward towards John and wrapped her arms around his shoulders. John smiled fondly and obligingly picked her up.

“Oof.” John tested Casey’s weight in his hands “You’re getting big.” He began to lean Casey back “I think the artificial gravity is broken! You’re getting heavier and heavier! I might just drop youuuu!!! Oh no!!!”

Casey giggled as she leaned back in John’s arms, held almost upside down. “No!” She giggled, her face flushed and her hair flying around her “You’re just being silly”

John pulled Casey right-side up again, her hair falling in her face. He put a hand to his chest in mock offense “Silly? ME SILLY?” He twirled the both of them out of her room and into the hallway, Casey shrieking with laughter the whole while “WHEN HAVE I EVER BEEN SILLY?”

John set Casey down giggling onto the bathroom floor, smoothing down her hair slightly. “Computer” John stated.

The ship computer chirped “Yes captain?”

“Morning music” John commanded, digging out his and Casey’s toothbrushes and dabbing them with toothpaste.

“Yes sir.” The computer answered back and music began to play.

[ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pIgZ7gMze7A ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pIgZ7gMze7A)

Casey and John stood in front of the mirror together, dancing as they brushed their teeth together. Shaking their hips and and bouncing up and down.

Casey turned to John, her mouth full of toothpaste foam “WU BLUH BLUH?”

John turned to her, his mouth full of toothpaste foam as well, he stroked his chin in an exaggerated way as if he was considering the philosophical implications of Casey’s last statement “BUH BUH?”

Casey laughed, nearly falling to the floor with how hard she was giggling.

John rolled his eyes, smiling. He spat into the sink. He helped Casey up so she could spit into the sink as well.

He lifted Casey onto the counter all the way, taking a hairbrush from the countertop and spinning it in his hands.  “Alright Casey Wasey.” John opened a drawer and took out a variety of hairbands and clips “Pigtails today? Braids? Pulled back into a headband?”

Casey blew a piece of hair away as John began to brush “um…” Casey thought for a moment, her little brows furrowed “Braids.”

John nodded “Alright, off to the side or to the back?”

“To the side!” Casey decided.

“Alright, can do sweetpea.” John brushed Casey’s hair to either side. He held up a red band and a green band for Casey to inspect. He also pulled out a matching red and green ribbon from the hair ties, a little golden bell in the center of each. “What do you think about Christmas colors?” He asked

Casey grinned and nodded enthusiastically, clapping her hands “Yes!” She picked up the little jingle bell ribbons and jingled them happily. Staring in awe at how the little gold-colored bells shone in the light.

John grinned and tied her hair up into two pigtails, one with a green band and one with a red band. He smiled at her in the mirror as he braided each “So I was thinking…”

Casey looked at him curiously, head cocked to the side as John braided her hair.

“Since it’s Christmas eve…” John finished braiding one end, he held one hand out and Casey gave him one of the belled bows she had been playing with. He tied off the braid and Casey took a moment to shake her head back and forth and giggle at how it jingled.

John began to braid the other side “How about we spend the day together!”

Casey gaped, scooching on the counter to face John “YOU MEAN IT?”

John finished the other braid “I mean it!”

Casey squealed and launched herself at John, wrapping her arms around his neck. “THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU!”

John grinned and patted her back, rocking them both back and forth. He pulled back to smile at her “So.” He put one of the tails of Casey’s braids over her lip like a mustache. “What do you want to do today?”

Casey grinned, looking pleadingly up at John “CAN I DO YOUR HAIR NOW?”

John sighed.

 

Dave walked into John’s quarters, swiping through a tablet absentmindedly “Hey John. I have the plans for the-” He stopped and stared.

John was in the kitchen of the Captain’s quarters. He had a holiday themed apron on that read “We WHISK you a merry Christmas” accompanied with the picture of a cartoon whisk. The smell of pancakes frying was pungent in the air. John whistled as he flipped a pancake, his short black hair was pulled into two messy pigtails on top of his head, secured with pink glittery ribbons and rhinestone clips.

Casey was sitting at the breakfast nook in the kitchen, scarfing down a pile of pancakes, her face sticky with syrup. She turned to look at Dave, the bells on her braids jingling with the motion.

“Oh my god.” Dave wheezed. He put a hand up to stifle a laugh, his cheeks quickly going red, his voice squeaking with the effort it took not to laugh “What happened to your _hair?”_

John did an over exaggerated pose, leaning against the counter like a calendar model, looking at Dave over one shoulder, his hair still in tiny puffy pigtails. “IT’S CALLED COUTURE DAVE. YOU UNCULTURED SWINE” He shook his tiny pigtails at the other man and arched a brow in an over exaggerated way. “Couture.”

“I did it myself!” Casey chimed in proudly, smiling as she chewed through a pancake.

Dave snickered at John, he shook his head and turned to Casey, trying not to laugh at loud. “Well you did a fantastic job.”

Casey beamed “YOU LIKE IT?”

Dave snorted under his breath, John still leaned against the counter like a model in a calvin klein ad. He popped one foot into the air. “Yes I do.”

Casey wiggled down from the stool at the breakfast nook, trotting over to Dave and taking one of his hands. She leaned back and grinned “UNCLE DABE WILL YOU LET ME DO YOUR HAIR TOO?”

John snickered at Dave, wiggling his eyebrows as he grinned “Yeah uncle DABE. Are you going to let her do your hair too?”

Dave sighed.

 

Karkat was on the bridge of the Starship Skaia, the readouts from the current planet on screen. Karkat sipped his coffee and looked over the current data, breathable oxygen, seemingly friendly fauna. It was the planet next to the one that they had accidentally left Nepeta on. His brows furrowed as he looked over the video feed from yet another Felicia drone, little fairy-like aliens singing sweetly as they held hands in a circle around the droid.

Karkat furrowed his brows as he watched the aliens weave another flower necklace for the droid. They placed the flower necklace over the droid before stepping back, clapping and cheering in tiny musical little voices.

“Ew.” Karkat murmured and took another sip of his coffee. He heard the door behind him woosh open and the now familiar sound of John’s gait as he walked into the room. Karkat’s long ears twitched, he was followed by another person and the sound of...jingling?

“About time fuckface.” Karkat announced conversationally “We’re reviewing the other planet and while they LOOK harmless we can’t really tell if they’re-” Karkat turned to John, his eyes going wide and his coffee cup sliding out of his clawed hands and shattering to the floor.

“WHAT THE FUCK.” Karkat grimaced, his bushy brows furrowing “DID YOU BOTH DO TO YOUR HAIR?”

“It’s called couture.” Dave popped a hip and flipped his hair. His white-blonde hair was pulled into two scraggly pigtails, each one decorated with a red ribbon and a multitude of silver barrettes. He turned around so that he could look over his shoulder dramatically at Karkat “You uncultured swine.”

John laughed snickering behind a hand. Karkat shot him a dirty look.

Casey trotted over to one of the crewmembers on the bridge, her braids jingling as she skipped along. The green-blooded troll paused as the little human went curiously to his station, her big blue eyes wide.

"uh...." The troll looked from the little girl to the captain and back again, his ears flicked down nervously. "Can I help you?"

Casey pointed to the readout of one of his screens "What does this do?"

"That is the tracer for the Felicia drones currently off-planet." The greenblood nodded down at her, looking nervously back at where the captains seemed to be bickering.

Casey bounced up and down excitedly, pointing at another thing "And THIS one?"

"That's a readout of the planet below us. The chemical composition of the atmosphere."

"AND THIS ONE?" Casey nearly scrambled half-way onto the worker's desk to point excitedly at what was on screen.

"UH NOTHING." The worker quickly closed the tab of anime they had been watching online when they were supposed to be working "NOTHING AT ALL." The worker turned towards Karkat "UH..." They caught Karkat's eye and motioned nervously at Casey. The little girl was laughing while smashing buttons on their station.

Casey giggled and mashed the button, up and down, up and down. Deep within the Starship Skaia in the loading bay, the door between the loading docks opened and closed, opened and closed. Workers in the loading dock watched confused as the door jolted up and down in quick succession.

"ALRIGHT." Karkat strode over to Casey and picked the little girl up, holding her as far away from him as he could without being unsafe for her. Casey giggled and kicked her little feet. Karkat turned on a heel, a sour look on his face. Casey was held out straight in his arms, giggling and jingling. He stalked over to John and Dave, both men snickering with their hands over their faces.

"I BELIEVE THIS-" Karkat held out Casey, the little girl red-faced from giggling and with a huge smile on her face. "-IS YOURS" And with that he plopped the little girl into John's arms.

Casey giggled and looked up at John "Hi dad."

John snorted and brushed some hair from Casey's face "Hi Casey."

Casey giggled in her father's arms. Suddenly her eyes went wide and she stood up straight "Oh!" She exclaimed.

John furrowed his brows "What? What is it?"

Casey dug in the pockets of her overalls, she pulled out a pair of socks and handed then to John. Casey looked at him earnestly "You need socks or else the demonic Christmas cat JO-LA-KA-TOON" She pronounced the Icelandic word as best as she could "Will eat your face off!"

Dave gasped and put a hand to his chest "What no socks for me? I'm demonic cat fodder this year?” He shook his head “I see how it is….I see how it is now..."

Casey looked at Dave, her little blonde brows furrowed "You can fight off the demon cat. You have more swords than daddy does..."

John accepted the pair of socks from his daughter with a sigh, his brows furrowed "Honey, you don't have to worry about the icelandic demon cat ok?"

Casey leaned against John's chest, her cheek smooshing into his shoulder as she looked up at him "Why?"

John tucked the pair of socks into his pocket "Well because me and Karkat-" He jerked his head towards Karkat "We're the captains and we decide what gets on the ship ok?"

Karkat huffed and crossed his arms "Damn right." he grumbled.

Deave threw up his hands "What about me? I'm the security director."

"Great job you've been doing recently by the way." Karkat leaned towards Dave and grumbled quietly "I love how every other week there’s flashing lights and security warnings because something is on the fucking ship."

Dave shot Karkat a dirty look, flipping him off behind his back so Casey wouldn't see.

"Uncle Dave helps." John told Casey "We only let in the good Christmas spirits, like Santa." He turned towards Karkat "Right Karkat?"

Karkat paused, his nose crinkled and his brow furrowed "What the hell is a Santa? Is that the weird red guy you plaster everywhere this time of year?"

Casey grinned and bounced in John's arms "HE'S A BIG GUY WITH A WHITE BEARD AND A RED SUIT! HIS ELVES WATCH YOU DURING THE YEAR TO MAKE SURE THAT YOU'VE BEEN GOOD AND THEN ON CHRISTMAS HE SNEAKS INTO YOUR HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY AND IF YOU'VE BEEN GOOD HE LEAVES YOU PRESENTS!"

Karkat gaped, a look of abject horror on his face "HE DOES WHAT NOW? SNEAKS INTO YOUR FUCKING HOU-"

John smiled at his daughter, both him and Casey completely unaware of just how horrified Karkat was. "Oh you better watch out!" John sang.

"You better not cry!" Casey sang back, her tiny voice sweet.

"You better not shout I'm telling you why!" John touched a fingertip to Casey's nose and she giggled.

John swayed back and forth, dancing slightly with his daughter in his arms. Both of them singing in unison "Santa Claus is coming to town!!"

Karkat's ears were flicked back with horror "HE'S COMING? WHEN?"

John looked like he was going to answer Karkat but Casey began to sing the next verse "He knows when you are sleeping!"

“WHAT?” Karkat’s ears were back “HOW?”

John shrugged and answered back with the next verse "He knows when you're awake! He knows if you've been bad or good!"

Casey and John grinned at each other "SO BE GOOD FOR GOODNESS SAKE!" They sang in unison. They were about to continue on to the next verse when Karkat held up a clawed hand.

"WHOA WHOA WHOA!" Karkat shook his head, his eyes wide and stricken "You're telling me that a giant fat man stalks you during the year, watching your every move to make sure you're behaving, and then at the end of the year he BREAKS INTO YOUR HOUSE to leave presents if you passed his morality test?"

Casey looked back at Karkat wide-eyed "If you're bad then mommy says the Krampus, the Christmas demon, whips you and then drags you down to hell to be tortured for eternity."

John sighed, his lips pressed into a hard line "Rose....why..." He hissed to himself "We're going to have a talk about this." He shook his head and turned towards Casey "Or you know something not quite as bad happens!” He waved a hand vaguely “Usually they just get coal! No Krampus, no demonic cats from Iceland, just COAL."

Karkat's mouth was open, gaping at the humans like they had all grown an extra head "AND YOU ALL ARE JUST OK WITH THIS?"

John sighed. He leaned towards Karkat "Not now..." He hissed and motioned towards Casey, the little girl staring back at him expectantly "Little ears are listening..." he whispered.

Karkat's head whipped around and he looked nervously throughout the room "REALLY? HERE?"

John shook his head "No I mean-"

"Captain." one of the trolls on the bridge coughed into their fist "In accordance with the new safety protocols we have completed a thorough scan of the planet below."

A series of video streams from various Felicia drones showed on screen, beautiful jungles filled with bulbous trees, little brightly colored aliens flitting through the trees like jewels, orange shimmering seas like sunsets, fish with dragonfly wings hopping out from the water and flying away, their serpentine bodies shimmering through the sky.

"We have done a variety of tests, the air is breathable, the plant life is non-toxic, the volcanic activity is stable, the resident species is-"

Video footage showed on screen of one tiny alien, their eyes big and beady, their body was a neon pink with wings that shimmered. One felicia drone touched a claw gently to the alien's belly and the little thing giggled and put their hands up to their face in a gesture that was almost disgustingly adorable.

"-uh...that. The resident species is that." The troll shrugged "I know we are trying to be more stringent about the planets we choose to visit ourselves but..." He motioned vigorously to the video on screen of the tiny alien giggling while being poked in the stomach "I literally can't find anything dangerous about this planet. You could maybe try and drown in the water but it’s so shallow... It's all so ridiculous. It's like a planet straight out of a wriggler's book."

Casey turned towards John, a big smile on her face "Dad can we? Can we go dad? CAN WE?"

John took one long look at the video feed, the tiny neon pink alien giggling profusely, kicking up their tiny legs. "....ok..." John relented.

Casey squealed "YAY!!!"

John pointed a finger at her "But! You stay by me at all times ok?"

Casey nodded "Ok!"

John turned towards the crewmember "We'll send in a small group first, get the lay of the land and see if there are any obvious threats, then if they are successful we'll send in more teams, maybe have a nice Christmas shore leave if we're lucky."

The crew on the bridge cheered and clapped, immediately arranging for a small ground team.

John turned to exit the room, Casey in his arms.

Karkat followed close behind him "John." Karkat's brows were still furrowed, he looked left and right as if expecting to see something watching them from the shadows "-I really want to talk to you about-"

"Mister Karkat.." Casey reached over from where she sat in John's arms to tug at Karkat's uniform.

Karkat looked down at her, his brows furrowed "WHAT?"

Casey ducked her head shyly. she looked up at Karkat sweetly, her big blue eyes wide "Mister Karkat? Can I do your hair?"

Dave grinned, he leaned down into Karkat's space, the pigtails in his own hair bobbing "Yeah mister Karkat!"

John grinned at Karkat as well "Are you going to let her do your hair?"

Karkat threw up his hands "WHAT? WHY WOULD I-"

Casey looked up at him, her big eyes wide, expectant. She smiled "please?"

Karkat sighed.

 

Kanaya was on an observation deck of the Starship skaia. She wore a sweater gifted to her by Rose for the human holiday season, white with a jade argyle pattern, her symbol emblazoned onto the front. She had a cup of tea in her hands. Apparently the ground team dispatched to the planet was successful, finding nothing dangerous on the planet and that the adorable residents of this planet were harmless, friendly, and the cutest things they had ever seen. 

Kanaya took a sip of her tea, enjoying the heady scent of Jasmine that wafted up from the cup. She watched as the planet below grew nearer and nearer, flicks of flame traveling across the glass as the ship entered the planet's atmosphere. One of her ears flicked as a very familiar clicking began to near.

Rose joined Kanaya on the observation deck. She wore a lilac sweater over her white uniform, a demonic sigil knitted intricately onto its front. She sipped her own cup of tea and smiled at Kanaya. "Are you having a very merry Christmas eve, dear Kanaya?" Rose asked, her black painted lips curled into a smile on the other side of the cup.

Kanya smiled back at her, she hummed, her eyes flicking over Rose fondly. "Why Miss Lalonde, I do believe that I am."

Rose was about to answer when suddenly there was a great thumping accompanied by a great deal of jingling. John rounded the corner, Casey on his shoulders, laughing, her little braided pigtails jingling as John ran.

"Whoa reindeer whoa." Casey pulled on the bows still in John's hair.

John snorted, his hands out in front of him like a pair of hooves and obediently came to a stop near where Rose was standing.

Rose smiled and put a hand in front of her black painted lips to stifle a giggle. "Oh my Casey..." She patted John on the top of his head, between the bows stuck haphazardly in his hair "What a lovely reindeer you have, did you decorate him yourself?"

Casey nodded, grinning proudly "UH HUH!"

Kanaya stood off to the side, watching the exchange. She smiled nervously, tapping her claws against the mug she held. Karkat trudged into the room and Kanaya's eyes widened.

"Karkat!" Kanaya put a hand to her mouth with surprise "What in the heavens happened to your hair!"

Karkat sighed. Karkat's scruffy hair was pulled into two messy tufts, white and red ribbons wound together in two cheery little bows. These were then accompanied by a variety of glittery barrettes. Casey apparently thought that Karkat deserved her best sparkly things based on just how many of them were jammed into his hair "I've lost control of my life Kanaya." Karkat hissed quietly "I'VE LOST CONTROL OF MY LIFE!"

The Starship Skaia landed in the orange ocean of the new planet, a multitude of dragonfly fish leapt from the water and flew away, past the observation deck and into the distance, silvery streaks across the sky.

Rose picked Casey up from John's shoulders. "Oh my!" She smoothed a hand down one of Casey's braids "How lovely! Did your father do this for you?"

Casey giggled and nodded vigorously, making the little bells on each end of her braids jingle "Yup!" She shook her head back and forth, a cacophony of jingling happening with the action “They jingle!”

Rose smiled at John "I'm glad you're good at this sort of thing, there's a reason I only wear headbands."

John smiled down at Casey, he looked up at Rose, his smile falling. "Hey Rose there's something I should talk to you about..."

Rose sighed and set Casey down "Darling." She looked down at Casey "Did you see the flying fish just now?"

Casey nodded "Uh huh."

Rose smiled "I wonder what else you could see through the window! Look for something special ok?"

Casey grinned "Ok mommy!" She then skipped away, her hand trailing across the smooth curved glass of the observation deck. She pressed her nose against the glass, looking excitedly out at the new world they had landed on.

John leaned in "Rose you have to stop the Christmas demon thing."

Rose huffed "John it's CULTURE I see no reason why we can't learn about Christmas traditions from around the world."

John sighed "Rosie she gave me a pair of socks, like she was actually afraid that the demonic christmas cat would tear my face off."

Rose sighed "Well-uh-ok." Rose fidgeted uncomfortably for a moment "See we had been knitting Christmas gifts for the family, she asked me why it was important and well...I told her about Jólakötturinn because in the legend he only attacks people who don't receive handmade clothes for Christmas..."

John pinched the bridge of his nose "..."

Rose sighed, folding her arms together "It was supposed to be something fun.....oh alright I'll talk to her about Jólakötturinn...."

John sighed in relief, his shoulders losing the tension they had been carrying "Thank you Rose."

John crossed over to where Casey had her nose pressed against the glass. He leaned down and looked out the window as well "Do you see anything cool?"

Casey pointed excitedly "LOOK! That waterfall glitters like diamonds!"

John grinned "Actually according to the scans it's made from sapphires!"

Casey gasped, her eyes going wide as she looked back at her father "DADDY CAN WE GO? DADDY CAN WE GO?"

John laughed, he wound an arm around Casey and smiled "Of course honey!"

Rose watched the exchange, her elbow sat on the railing of the observation deck, her head held in that hand. Kanaya approached her, cautiously, hovering near her with her cup of tea.

"Yes?" Rose turned towards Kanaya "What is it?"

Kanaya turned away, running a clawed hand through her hair "Nothing. Nothing at all."

Rose smiled "Something is bothering you. You always touch your hair when you lie."

Kanaya's eyes widened, she froze, quickly taking her hand away from her hair. She sighed. Kanaya looked out at where Casey and John were together, she leaned in closer and lowered her voice "Well it's been bothering me..." Her eyes flickered from John and Casey back to Kanaya "It's about you and your previous matesprit, and the spawn you had together..."

Rose huffed "We call our young children my dear, what would you like to know?"

Kanaya looked out the observation deck window "I feel that I am at a disadvantage." She looked out at where John and Casey were laughing together "I know you take your lususing seriously, that you love your daughter very much." Kanaya clicked her talons against her mug "I have done research, and I know that continuing my relationship with you also implies a level of care for her and..." Kanaya's lips were pressed into a harsh line, her brows drawn together "I-uh."

Rose put a hand on Kanaya's shoulder "Kanaya..." She whispered "Please don't feel that you-"

"You haven't told her about us." Kanaya whispered back. She but her bottom lip "and I would hope that it is not because I am lacking or-"

Rose shook her head "You aren't _lacking_ dear..." She glanced over at John and Casey "She's a smart girl, she'll figure it out soon enough..."

Rose huffed and leaned both arms against the railing of the observation deck, looking out at the orange ocean and the forest of bulbous trees near the shoreline. "I've known John all of my life..." Rose began "We were childhood friends and I knew that I cared about him..." She laughed quietly to herself "I thought what I felt for him was love but-" She gave Kanaya a glance "Honestly it would have saved me a lot of heartbreak if I had known about the troll concept of morailship in my teenage years. We were pale really but... he was ready to start a life together... I cared about him so much and I convinced myself that it was love for YEARS and whatever was lacking in our relationship-" She gestured vaguely with a hand "I blamed myself for it"

Kanaya blinked "So you were so in pale for him, you entered into a red relationship?" Kanaya put a clawed hand to her lips "Oh, oh my dear Rose."

Rose sighed "Yes indeed." She shrugged "We got married...We had Casey together but-" Rose picked at her nail beds nervously, chipping the lilac polish. "-I just couldn't do it anymore. I told John, and naturally he was heartbroken but...He knew...He had been feeling the same way for a while but didn't want to hurt me...We decided mutually to divorce..."

Rose looked over to where John and Casey were pointing excitedly at things outside "And honestly being a parent is difficult, you won't know everything and-" Rose sighed "He's so good with her and I keep messing up..."

Kanaya leaned on Rose's arm sympathetically.

Rose leaned back against her and chuckled "I do enjoy our relationship Kanaya, please don't ever think you are lacking. I care about John but I need a partner who is not so-"

Suddenly Jake burst onto the room. A green beanie on his head and an excited grin on his face "JOHN!" he called excitedly. "I FOUND SOMETHING ON THE SHORE DO YOU WANT TO COME POKE IT WITH A STICK?"

John popped up from where he had been with Casey on the floor "YES I WANT TO GO POKE SOMETHING WITH A STICK!" He kissed Casey on the forehead "Daddy will be right back stay here with your mom for a second!" Jake tossed John a stick and the both of them went running out of the room.

Rose's lips were pressed into a hard line "Less THAT." She sighed and took a sip of her tea "And I care about him dearly, but I think he needs a partner who is more-"

Karkat trudged back into the room, his brows furrowed when he didn't see John, looking left and right in the room. He trotted over to Casey. "Hey John-spawn where is your dad?"

Casey looked up at Karkat "Daddy and Uncle Jake went to go poke something with a stick!"

Karkat startled, his eyes going wide and his shoulders tense "HE DID WHAT?"

Suddenly John slammed into the observation deck window, his cheek smooshed against the glass and a long bluish and knobbled tentacle wrapped around his leg.

Casey smiled and waved "Hi daddy!"

John peeled his face from the glass and waved as well "Hi sweetpea!" he yelped as the tentacle pulled, taking John back up into the air.

"MOTHERFUCKER WHAT THE FUCKING SHIT!" Karkat screamed, his hands pressed against the window "STAY RIGHT THERE YOU STUPID ASSHOLE I'M COMING TO SAVE YOU!" Karkat then engaged his PCD and ran out of the room, knocking an intern over along the way in his haste to get to John.

 

It turns out that the thing John and Jake had poked on the beach was actually a reasonable fellow. John looked earnestly into the eight eyes of the sea-beast, still held upside-down by one of the creature's many tentacles. Jake next to him wrapped in a similar tentacle.

"We really didn't mean to disturb you." John shrugged upside-down. "We didn't mean to scare you either, we were just trying to see what you were..." 

The creature burbled, the automatic translator wired into John's suit, connected to the main one on the ship chimed to life, listening to the creature's words for a moment until the unearthly burbling faded, tuning back and forth like a signal from an old radio until-

"-Gave me a right spook there ya did." The creature nodded the amorphous lump on their body that roughly equated a head, their eight beady eyes blinking out of sync "I was up and taking a nap on the beach yanno, and then suddenly oh no! I got a poke!" The creature tapped two of their many tentacles together like someone might do with their fingertips when nervous "I hope I didn't scare ya too bad there bud. I was just startled."

"No. No. No." John waved his hand "It was totally my fault!"

The monster sighed "I still feel a bit bad about it..." They turned their blobular amorphous head towards the Starship Skaia "I smacked ya real good into that giant egg thing there."

John waved away the creature's concern "No don't worry about it." He knocked his knuckles against his temple "I have a hard head." John did an impressive swinging flip so he could sit on the creature's tentacle rather than dangle from it "I'm here on holiday with my kid and my crew! We thought we would see the sights for a nice day out before getting back on the ship."

The creature smiled, thousands of fish-bone like teeth jutting out from their lower jaw. Even with the multitudes of teeth is seemed like a kind smile "Oh how nice!" The creature gushed "I have 20,000 little spawn myself!" One of the creature's tentacles come up with a wallet-like thing held there. Thousands of photos unfurled from the wallet thing, all of tiny squid-like creatures of various colors. The creature sniffed, clutching their tentacles together "I'm so proud of them! So gosh darn flipping proud!"

"Awww!" John gushed. He rooted around for his wallet "I think I have a picture of Casey let me just-"

"CAN YOU LET THEM DOWN NOW?" Karkat called impatiently from the ground, tapping a foot, his arms crossed and still holding his the sickles from his PCD. "HE SAID HE WAS SORRY!"

"Oop!" The creature put a tentacle to their mouth with surprise "So sorry there bud, I get on a tangent and OOFTA! There we go!" The creature set John and Jake gently on the beach.

Karkat went to John's side immediately, holding his shoulders and giving him a once-over "Are you alright?"

John smiled and chuckled "Yes I'm alright!"

Karkat sighed, his eyes closed with relief "ah...good." he smacked John in the chest angrily "WHAT WERE YOU THINKING!" he growled "YOU NEED TO BE MORE CAREFUL."

John chuckled and took Karkat by his wrists, keeping Karkat from hitting him "I'm alright!" He smiled at Karkat "Were you worried about me?" He teased.

Karkat yanked his hands away "NO!" He insisted, looking away while a bright blush worked its way across his cheeks.

The creature smiled down at the two of them, their eight beady eyes hooded dreamily, their tentacles intertwined like they were clutching their hands "Awww..." They gushed. The creature leaned down, their body stretching unnaturally, their face leaning far down next to John "There's a lot of romantic places here on the island. If you wanna...yannoo~..."

John's brows arched quizzically "uh...thanks?"

Karkat glared at the creature, shaking his head forcefully at it from where he stood behind John.

The creature chuckled. They used two tentacles to gently nudge John and Karkat along "You two crazy kids get outta here now! And have a good time!

 

The natives on the island were tiny jewel-like fluttering little things that giggled and buzzed around their heads excitedly. Like fuzzy neon-colored fairies. Casey giggled as they landed on her shoulders, tittering excitedly or playing with the bells on her braids. The creatures lived in round orb-like houses, like the kind humming birds make. Each one was intricately painted in bright colors and patterns. John and Casey helped the creatures hang these homes from the boughs of the bulbous trees like a cross between trimming a christmas tree and volunteering for habitat for humanity. 

John and Casey laid on the brightly-colored teal-green grass up at the painted homes swaying gently in the pleasant breeze, eating Christmas cookies and enjoying the view. Casey continued to break of chunks of cookie and give them to the little creatures who giggled and nibbled on the sweetbread.

Jake leaned over his brother and his niece, looking down at the happy pair with a smile "According to the scans..." Jake smiled "Up north it gets just cold enough to make snow. Do you want to-"

Casey and John sat up, grinning ear-to ear. "Yes!" John laughed

Casey squealed with delight "LET’S MAKE SNOWMANS!"

Karkat looked over from where he was sitting petulantly by a tree, his arms crossed, little winged aliens lounging on his shoulders. "What's a snow?"

 

The ship flew low over the land. John and Casey watched as the landscape slowly changed, becoming sparser and then more white and-

Karkat's brows were furrowed "I don't get it." He frowned at the snowy expanse under the ship "It's just frozen water...a total wasteland..."

John and Casey could hardly curb their excitement, grinning excitedly at the mounds of snow beneath them. "SNOW!!!"

John tugged on a hat and helped Casey into her boots, putting a scarf, a hat and a pair of mittens on her as well.

The door opened and Karkat stepped back, shivering as a gust of cold wind swept into the Starship Skaia. Casey and John ran out, their hands held above their heads excitedly "WOO!" They screamed together "SNOWW!!!"

Karkat watched with horror as John and Casey ran out into the snow "WHAT NO! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?"

John ran out into the pristine white snow, until he turned on a heel and let himself drop right into the snow.

"GAH!" Karkat ran out of the Starship Skaia "JOHN WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU-"

John laughed, moving his arms and legs from side-to-side to make a snow angel. He stood of from the snow, globs of slush still sticking to his hair where it escaped from his hat. "Look Kitkat!" John grinned at his creation "It's a snow angel!"

"All-l-l I see are idiot tracks." Karkat huffed, his hands under his armpits and his voice stuttered "Made by an i-idiot."

John's eyebrows furrowed "Karkat are you ok?"

Karkat growled "No I'm not ok you imbecile! I'm not a mammal I don't make my o-o-own body heat like you weirdos..." His teeth chattered.

John's eyes widened with concern "Oh my god Karkat you shouldn't be out here!" He pulled Karkat's hands from under his armpits "Your hands are ice cold!" He pulled off his mittens and put his hands over Karkat's.

Karkat huffed with relief despite himself "Fuck you for being so warm oh my god."

John laughed warmly "You didn't have to chase me out here! I'm fine."

Karkat looked away "...I've been worried lately..."

John smiled and cocked his head "About what?"

Karkat leaned forward. He looked from left to right,nothing but ice as far as the eye could see, no possibility of a listening device. His ears flicked back "About Santa..." He whispered.

John's eyes widened with surprise for a moment before his brows quirked up "Karkat..." He laughed "Santa isn't-"

Casey tugged on John's coat "daddy! daddy! Come look at the snowman I made!" She looked up at John owlishly. "Also Santa isn't what?"

John's brows furrowed "SANTA ISN'T ANYTHING YOU HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT!" He pulled his hands away from Karkat's to put them on his hips awkwardly "SANTA IS DEFINITELY REAL AND KARKAT DOESN'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT HIM!" John grimaced awkwardly “YUP!” He squawked out.

Karkat's brows furrowed "John I was alive during the reign of the condescension. The fear of listening devices, of being punished for being “bad”, I know what it's like to live under a brutal dictator!"

John arched a brow "What?"

"SANTA!" Karkat hissed, his clawed hands in front of him "THE BRUTAL DICTATOR OF THE HUMANS!"

John and Casey looked at Karkat blankly. "What?" Casey whispered, her braids jingling as she cocked her head at Karkat.

"Don't play dumb!" Karkat hissed and pointed at John "You don't have to worry about listening devices out here!"

John sighed and put a hand on Karkat's shoulder. "Look Karkat..." He glanced towards Casey who stared innocently at them "We'll talk about it later ok? Just..." He waved a hand definitively "You do NOT have to worry about Santa Claus oppressing us ok? I SWEAR you have NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT!" John then winked obnoxiously at Karkat.

Karkat stared back at John "What? What's with the winking and-"

"UGH!" Casey took both John and Karkat by the hand "COME LOOK AT MY SNOWMAN ALREADY!"

 

John had his hand over his mouth, trying his best not to snicker at the snowman Casey had built. Karkat stared blankly, his mouth open and gaping. 

"Ta da!" Casey grinned and did jazz-hands in front of the snowman "It's Mister Karkat!"

The snowman had two sticks for bushy eyebrows, drawn together over stone eyes, looking displeased at the icey scenery around it. The mouth was turned down into a harsh frown, jagged stones peeking out like Karkat's teeth. At the top of the snowman's head, the ends of two carrots stood up in place of Karkat's horns. All around it was the angriest snowman any of them had ever seen.

John giggled behind a hand "Karkat it looks just like you!"

Casey giggled and Karkat sighed.

"Well!" John smiled and dusted snow off from his uniform pants "How about we go inside for some hot cocoa!"

"Yay!" Casey clapped her mittened hands.

John turned back towards the ship, leaving Karkat and Casey for a moment together.

Karkat's brows were furrowed, shivering in the cold, looking out at where John was walking back to the ship ahead of them "Uh...Casey?"

Casey gathered up another snowball on the ground "Uh huh?"

Karkat leaned down into her space, watching her pat down the snow with her mittened hands "Are you...worried about Santa?"

Casey's smile frowned. She looked back at where he dad was jauntily walking towards the ship and back at Karkat "Promise not to tell?"

Karkat nodded "I promise."

Casey fiddled with her snowball nervously, looking down at her little pink boots "I...I might not have been a good kid this year..." She whispered quietly.

Karkat cocked his head, his eyebrows drawn "Oh? What happened?"

Casey's lip quivered. She looked up at Karkat and her blue eyes were filled with tears "I punched a boy in my class."

Karkat blinked "Why?"

"He was making fun of my friend Amy." Casey whispered, looking down at where her boots were in the snow "She cries sometimes because she misses her dad. He works in the security department..." Casey sniffed and a tear rolled down her cheek "What of Santa knows I'm not good?" Casey began to sob, launching herself into Karkat's arms.

Karkat caught her in his arms "Oh Casey..." He patted her on the back "I used to live where I was afraid too..." Casey continued to sob and he rocked her back and forth. He pulled back to look her in the eyes "And even if someone tells you so, defending someone is NOT wrong! You are a good kid Casey! Santa or no!"

Casey sniffed and hugged Karkat, tucking her little head under his chin "Thank you mister Karkat!"

Karkat glared out at the icey expanse behind them, his brows furrowed with determination "And you aren't going to have to worry about Santa ever again..." He glared out at the snow with determination, a plan beginning to form behind his eyes "Not if I have something to say about it!  


 

Jade was in her office, the golden t-rex menorah Jake bought off the internet burning brightly behind her. She opened a book and pointed excitedly at an illustration of Santa in his workshop. "Here!" She grinned "For the holiday party tonight turn into THIS!" 

Sprite looked eagerly at the drawing, nodding their head and smiling.

Jade had noticed that Sprite changed into people and things in their immediate vicinity, a sort of automatic reflex to help them blend into their surroundings. They had come in looking like Dirk but during the time they had spent in Jade's office they slowly began to look more and more like Jade, except they incorporated other elements, such as the photo Jade had on her desk of her childhood dog, Becquerel.

The Jadesprite in front of her wagged their white tail, their white dog ears going flat as they concentrated on the image in the book. They began to shift, changing sizes and-

They stood in front of Jade, a giant book with legs. An exact copy of the book Jade had on her hands "Ho Ho Ho!" Sprite tried, bending their little knobby knees,bobbing up and down.

"No!" Jade hissed and pointed more fervently to the book "What's INSIDE THE BOOK!"

Sprite paused. They concentrated and-

"HO HO HO!" Sprite announced once more. Now a giant piece of paper emblazoned with the flat image of Santa and the rest of the words on the page, though looking closely all the words were wildly mispelled. They bobbed up and down on their tiny knobby legs "MERR KRISSSMAAA!!! MERRR KRISSMAAA!!!!"

"UGH!" Jade pinched the bridge of her nose "Enough I give up!"

Sprite morphed again back into Jade, their dog-like ears flattened back and their lip quivering.

Jade sighed "It's ok. You tried your best." She turned back to her desk "You can go...I wonder if I can whip up a holographic Santa..."

 

Sprite sighed. They melted down into silvery liquid, traveling up the wall and into the vent. It was a special time on the Starship. The Dirk and The Roxy explained that this was something known as a "HOLLA-DAY" which meant that there was more cookies and lights and stuff. The Sprite reached a tendril out of the vent to steal a cookie from the cafeteria. They liked cookies, they liked holladays.

They absorbed the nutrient-rich nugget into their amorphous body. They liked PEOPLE. They were so happy that they had people again. The cookie slowly dissolved inside of them. They had been so worried that the people would hate them after what they did. They are very happy to be here, very happy to stay, so generous of them, so very very generous. 

Which is why they wanted to do something nice for the humans! A special thing during their special time.

They slorped through the vent, dripping past the laser grid and into John's quarters. They liked coming here to play with Casey! Small ones were even more fun than the big ones!

The apartment was quiet. This is a disappointment. Very much so! Such disappointment! They sighed and hummed, twisting their amorphous body to look at the mantle place in the living room. This special time of year meant so many lights! And colors! and shiny things! and yummy things and-

They paused at a photograph of an old woman with a very young captain John. She looked nice. She had cookies! They liked this old human. They liked her a lot! Their amorphous form gradually took on the shape of the elderly human. They squinted their now wrinkly eyes at the picture frame and the word emblazoned on it. They had been practicing reading with Jane but-

"GG-GRANNN" The creature read aloud "GRANDMA!"

They turned towards the couch, their arms out on either side of them. They liked that word! "GRANDMA!" They screamed, bobbing up and down, their fists clenched "GRANDMA GRANDMA!"

A jester doll on the couch smiled back at them, an early Christmas gift for Casey, colorful with a little jingly hat. Colorful! Such smiles!

"GRANDMA!" They yelled triumphantly at the doll, incorporating more and more of the doll's characteristics. Now they too can have a jingly hat! "GRANDMA GRANDMA!"

The shifter quickly grew tired of this. They yelled one last "GRANDMA!" at the doll before turning back into silvery liquid and climbing back up the wall and into the grate.

It's too bad they couldn't be the thing that Jade wanted them to be. The shifter thought as they slithered to the grate.

They came to Rose's cabin, sliding out of the grate and into the room below. Sometimes Casey was in this room! Casey was their favorite! Casey gave them cookies! And Casey liked when they turned into things! She never yelled or sighed like some of the big ones did...Casey can be in many places but these two are the places in which Casey can be in the most! These are the Casey places! They turned looked through the apartment, their blobby head stretching into each room but... but...no Casey.

This was distressing! DISTRESSING! They chirped sandly and curled in tighter on themselves. They wanted to play! Casey was NOT in the places in which the Casey should be found! DISTRESSING! DISTRESSING INDEED!"

The shifter looked at Rose's mantle. There was a photo of a very young NOT Casey with a black furry creature. The furry creature looked like the furry creature that Jade had a picture of, except that it was different, this one was smaller, with a smaller snout and more pointy ears. They slowly morphed into Rose. The Rose in the picture wore a pointy hat and glared at the camera. "Happy Birthday!" The inscription read "From mom!"

The shifter bent their knees, Rose in her pointy birthday hat "BIRTHDAY!" They screamed excitedly, bobbing up and down "BIRTHDAY!"

"Excuse me Doctor Lalonde-" A crewmember wearing a medical uniform opened the door sheepishly "Can I talk to you about the-"

The shifter stood in the middle of the living room, their knees bent and the pointy hat on their head "BIRTHDAY! They screamed and bobbed up and down "BIRTHDAY! BIRTHDAY!"

The crewmember left the room hurriedly.

The shifter stared at the photograph, incorporating the pointy ears and the whiskers of the creature "BIRTHDAY BIRTHDAY!" They waved their arms about in a noodlish way, simply enjoying the way the word sounded in their mouth "BIRTHDAY BIRTHDAY B-"

They accidentally knocked a book from the coffee table. Oh no! They stopped their noodleish dancing to look worriedly down at the book.

The front of the book read "CHRISTMAS DEMONS FROM AROUND THE WORLD". The shifter cooed excitedly "KRISMAAAA!!!" They knew this word! This is the thing that the humans were celebrating. They opened the book and flipped through the pages.

Oh my...

The shifter looked worriedly down at the gruesome illustrations, of ogres stuffing children into pots, the krampus chasing children with their whip! Oh my! These were terrible! Just terrible! Finally they came to a drawing of a very large black beast, their jaws open and full of sharp teeth. This was... They turned to the picture of Rose on the mantlepiece. This was JUST like the creature that Rose was holding! Bigger...but just like it!

They squinted down at the inscription "JO...JO LA..."

"Jólakötturinn" The inscription read "The icelandic demon cat who mauls those who do not receive handmade clothes for Christmas."

Sprite shrugged. Well if Rose has held one of the things then they can't be too bad! They knew this form better, like the chameleon cats on their home planet! They shivered and shifted, growing larger and larger until. They were a very large, black sleek cat, mouth full of sharp teeth. The spitting image of the creature on the page!

The shifter was pleased with themselves. Finally, they thought! I can help the humans celebrate KRISMA! They padded out of Rose's room, their paws as large as dinner plates.

Won't the humans be surprised!

 

Karkat sighed. Tonight was the night.

Christmas eve.

He double-checked his PCD, the unit still completely charged and ready to go. He cycled through the PCD forms, his sickles, a blaster, a cannon, he didn't know what he would need for a fight with an all-powerful supernatural force of evil. He thought of the white beard, the red coat. That rat bastard.

He had done some research. Most of the media produced painted the fat man in a positive light but that was on par for the course, back during the reign of the condescension media was the same way, those who dared to speak the truth were silenced.

Forever.

He breathed deeply.

According to his research this "Santa" rewarded the good and punished the bad, traveling via sleigh of hoofbeasts. He had psychic powers, knew when you were sleeping, knew when you were awake...Kew of your perceived transgressions against his rule. He seemed to be able to manipulate time, traveling an entire globe within a night. Based on the fact that he got into all of these people's houses perhaps he had other powers such as walking through walls...

Karkat watched "Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer" and was disgusted. Of course the mutant was only valued if their mutation was exploitable! Also if Santa knew who was bad and good then he knew that Rudolph the mutant horned hoofbeast was being bullied by the other horned hoofbeasts. Santa Claus wasn’t good! He was complicit! COMPLICIT!

This research also meant that Karkat knew his foe's point of entry...

The fireplace.

He didn't know why the Santa chose this place, perhaps the fear factor of emerging from the flames to pass down judgement onto those inside, but this meant that he could narrow down the Santa's entry point.

There was only one fireplace on the entire fucking ship. The fireplace John had installed in his private suite to feel more like home. He had obviously been indoctrinated from an early age.

This meant that Casey was close, far too close to where the Santa would undoubtedly make his first appearance.

"I don't know..." Casey's words rang through his head "I don't know if I've been good or not..."

Karkat tightened his grips on his sickles. It was do or die.

"Alright you fat bastard." Karkat hissed and adjusted his grip "I'm going to stick my boot so far up your chimney, you'll taste rubber until next Christmas."

He entered in the executive code and slipped inside.

Oh man! Won't Casey be surprised!

John adjusted the belt on the Santa costume, the padding underneath filling out the majority of it. He hefted a large bag over his shoulder, filled with gifts for Casey.

His plan was to wake up Casey "Accidentally" by brushing past her door and let her see him in costume. He smiled under the beard. Casey only had a couple of years left of believing in Santa Claus...She was growing up so fast...this was already their second Christmas on the ship, who knew how long they would be up here or how long Casey would have that innocent childhood belief.

He sighed and adjusted his grip on the bag. He wouldn't always be there for Casey but...he could make sure she had a good Christmas this year... He walked towards Casey's room. He could help her believe for as long as possible and-

"THERE YOU ARE!" Karkat jumped out from behind his couch, his sickles at the ready "I'M FREEING THE HUMANS FROM YOUR TYRANNY YOU MOTHERFUCKER!"

John put up his hands "No wait Karkat I'm-"

Karkat swung his sickles. John jumped back, the sickle catching onto the front of the costume and sending a piece of white fluff across the room. “KARKAT! STOP!”

“YOUR PSYCHIC MIND POWERS WON’T WORK ON ME!” Karkat growled and leapt at John, knocking him to the floor with a loud THUMP. He straddled John, pulling him up by the scruff of the Santa uniform. He pulled back his sickle “ANY LAST WORDS YOU VOYEURISTIC FREAK?”

There was a tiny yawn.

Karkat and John looked at the noise.

Casey stood across from them. She wore her yellow feetie pajamas, holding the salamander plush Kanaya had made her. Her brows furrowed. Karkat still held John up by the scruff of the suit.

“Mister Karkat…” Casey looked at him “Are you kissing Santa?”

Karkat shook his head “No child.” He rose his sickle above his head “I’m KILLING Santa!”

Casey stared at him wide-eyed “What?”

Karkat waved her away “Run Casey! I don’t know what tricks this old asshole has up his sleeve! Run! Tell the rest of the humans that the uprising is tonight! You will be free! FREE FROM SANTA’S TYRANNY!”

Casey ran out of the apartment and into the hallway “MOOOOOM!!!!” She screamed “MISTER KARKAT IS MURDERING SANTA!”

John flipped Karkat over, pinning Karkat to the carpet below them and pinning his legs with his own “OH MY GOD KARKAT STOP!”

Karkat struggled against John’s weight “EVEN IF YOU DEFEAT ME MORE SHALL RISE UP!” Karkat growled “YOUR TYRANNY IS-”

John ripped off the Santa beard “IT’S ME YOU IDIOT!”

Karkat stared blankly “...what?...”

John sat back where he was perched on top of Karkat, his mouth pressed into a hard line. He waved a hand flippantly “Santa isn’t real. He’s just something we tell kids to inspire them to be good.”

Karkat paused, gaping up at John like an enraged fish “You weren’t worried about listening devices! You were worried CASEY WAS GOING TO LEARN THE TRUTH!”

John shrugged “Yeah I tried to tell you but-”

Karkat reared up, his teeth gritted angrily “YOU SON OF A BITCH! YOU LYING SACK OF-”

John caught Karkat’s wrists, keeping Karkat from mauling his face off “It’s a holiday tradition! Santa isn’t supposed to be a horrible overlord! He’s supposed to be a kind supernatural force that rewards kind people! He’s supposed to inspire generosity and kindness!”

Karkat squinted at John. “...So….there’s no evil overlord to overthrow?”

John’s eyebrows quirked up “No. No there’s no evil overlord to overthrow, Karkat…” John couldn’t help but chuckle “Though if there ever is one you’ll be the first person I’ll call.”

Karkat looked back at where Casey had run off to. “...We should probably tell her that it’s ok...”

“Yup.” John stood up and stripped off the Santa costume, stuffing it hastily under the couch. “Let’s go reassure my daughter that Santa wasn’t just murdered by you.

 

Kanaya was in Rose’s apartment. She sat at the table in Rose’s room, a sewing machine whirring in front of her as she pushed through orange fabric. She held a couple of pins in her mouth, looking down at the garment worriedly.

“Kanaya.” Rose was sitting up in bed with a book “Come to bed.”

“I can’t dear.” Kanaya sighed “I have to finish this before Christmas!”

Rose rose up from the bed. She put her hands on either of Kanaya’s shoulders, leaning up to kiss her girlfriend’s hooked horn “My dear, please don’t worry, she’ll like it.”

Kanaya lifted up the little dress, bright orange with a charming curved collar, a blue satin bow cinched the waist “Oh do you think she’ll like it really? I don’t want my first Christmas present to her to be something she won’t like!”

Rose kissed Kanaya’s temple “She’ll love it! I promise you!” She looked at the pile of children’s clothing in the corner of the room. All pieces Kanaya had made and fretted over, the pile growing steadily as Christmas approached.

Rose pulled out Kanaya’s chair “Thank you for making an effort for her.” Rose brushed back some of Kanaya’s hair, sitting in the troll woman’s lap “I know there is little analogous on Alternia but-”

Kanaya gave Rose a watery smile. “I want this. I want YOU and I want to be a part of your human family.” She lifted Rose’s dainty hand to kiss it.

Rose hummed, a tinge of pink coloring her cheeks “I love you, Miss Kanaya Maryam.”

Kanaya leaned towards her “And I love you, Miss Rose Lalonde.” 

They kissed. Rose’s hand reaching up to card trough Kanaya’s hair, Kanaya’s hand reaching around to Rose’s back and.

“MOM!” Casey burst into the room, the rubber insoles of her footie pajamas squeaking “KARKAT IS MURDERING SANTA! HE TOLD ME THE UPRISING IS TONIGHT! WHAT’S HAPPENING WHAT ARE WE UPRISING AGAINST WH-”

Rose and Kanaya paused where they were kissing their eyes wide.

Rose pulled back “uh...Casey…”

Casey just stood there. Her big blue eyes wide. She turned around and ran out of the room as quickly as she had come. Her eyes were full of tears.

“No!” Rose reached out , nearly toppling Kanaya and the chair over. She scrambled out of the chair, her bare feet padding against the floor “COME BACK CASEY!” She began to run out of the apartment and into the hall “JUST BECAUSE MOMMY HAS A GIRLFRIEND DOESN’T MEAN THAT-”

Kanaya paused, still processing what had just happened, the chair she was sitting in spinning slightly after Rose’s rude departure, she held the orange dress to her chest.

“Wait a minute…” Kanaya murmured “Karkat is murdering who?”

 

Casey ran down the hallway. She was crying, the soles of her feetie pajamas squeaking as she ran.

“CASEY!” Rose ran down the hallway looking for her “CASEY COME BACK!”

From the other side of the hallway John also ran down the hallway looking for Casey, Karkat following close behind him “CASEY!” John yelled “IT’S OK SANTA ISN’T HURT!”

“YEAH!” Karkat yelled as well “THE UPRISING IS CANCELLED ME AND SANTA SIGNED A TREATY!”

Casey ran! She ran and she ran! Tears striping down her face. She ran and-

A very large cat blocked her path.

The cat was larger than a tiger, as dark as midnight, their tail swishing ominously back and forth, their yellow eyes shining in the darkness.

Casey’s eyes were wide, the little girl frozen in fear. “...Jólakötturinn” she whispered, shaking in her footie pajamas.

“CASEY!” Rose ran into the scene appearing behind her “CASEY ARE YOU-” Her lilac eyes widened when she saw the beast. Rose grit her teeth. She growled “Don’t you touch my daughter! Casey! Get behind me!”

Casey couldn’t move though. She was frozen where she was. It was Christmas eve, she hadn’t gotten any handmade clothes for Christmas yet...she hadn’t gotten any handmade clothes for Christmas yet!

Rose moved to stand in front of Casey, she brandished her knitting needles, the portrait of motherly rage. “CASEY RUN!”

Karkat and John ran into the scene from the other end of the hallway behind the Christmas cat demon.

“Oh my god!” John’s eyes went wide. He engaged his PCD, a glowing hammer forming in his hands “CASEY RUN!”

“STAY AWAY FROM HER!” Karkat engaged his own PCD, sickles forming in his own hands “WHAT THE HELL THE CHRISTMAS DEMON CAT IS THE ONE THAT’S REAL?”

The cat advanced towards Rose and Casey, their mouth open, jagged teeth stained with blood, John and Karkat were ready to pounce and-

Something flopped down on Casey. The little petrified girl blinked and the...orange fabric?

Kanaya stood in front of Casey and Rose “Jólakötturinn.” She stated, her hand in a fist “This child has received a piece of handmade clothing for Christmas!” She growled and pointed at the creature “SHE IS SAFE FROM YOUR WRATH!”

Casey launched herself at Kanaya’s legs, wrapping her skinny arms around Kanaya “THANK YOU MISS KANANYA!” THANK YOU!”

Karkat grimaces and waved awkwardly “Like that’s gonna-”

Casey was too busy crying into Kanaya’s sleeping gown to see the Christmas demon cat behind her. The cat rose on it’s hind legs, holding their paws out on front of them, they began to melt and-

Sprite smiled and waved at them all, now a version of Rose with cat ears! They giggled. Look! They seemed to say, I helped you all celebrate Christmas! Look at how well I did!

Karkat grimaced at the creature. Kanaya and Rose stared dumbfounded.John put his head in his hands.

“I can already tell this thing is going to be trouble…” John whispered, rubbing the bridge of his nose.

“Oh you think.” Karkat whispered back sarcastically.

“Wait!” Casey pulled back from Kanaya’s legs “We have to save Santa from mister Karkat! He’s going to slice his face off and-”

John and Karkat both rushed to start speaking “No Santa is ok!” “We worked out our differences!” “The rebellion is cancelled!” “You don’t have to worry about-”

The shifter shivered and shifted, melting into a silvery ooze before expanding and-

Casey gasped as a red mitten rested on her shoulder, she looked up and “SANTA!”

The shifter smiled, the rosie-cheeked, perfect holiday card Santa, complete with a rich red-velvet suit, a beard and a hat.

“HO! HO! HO!” The shifter smiled, their belly shaking.

Casey grinned up at them “You and mister Karkat worked out your differences?”

The shifter nodded “HO...ho HO!”

Casey gasped “The rebellion has been called off?”

The shifter rocked from side to side, clapping their mittened hands together “Ho...ho ho ho...HO HO HO!”

Casey jumped up and down “You and Karkat signed a treaty? Putting your differences aside in a legal and yet mutually equitable agreement?”

The shifter kneeled down to Casey’s level, smiling warmly, like they were about to dispense some age old advice “Ho ho ho…” They whispered, the wrinkles on either side of their mouth crinkling. “...ho...ho...ho….”

Casey sniffed “That’s right…” she whispered, a happy tear rolling down her cheek.

The shifter stood up, they waved goodbye to Casey and the bewildered adults before jumping straight up into the air, sliding like liquid through a grate on a vent.

“Huh.” Casey put her hands on her hips “So THAT’S how he gets down all those chimneys!”

Karkat and John wandered closer. Rose and John shared a look, both of them not quite sure how to tell the other what had happened.

Casey held the orange dress up to herself, smiling as she rocked back and forth, admiring the little frock. “Thank you miss Kanaya!” Casey chirped “I love it! I really love it!”

Kanaya sighed with relief “Oh! Thank you! I’m glad you like it!” Rose smiled at Kanaya fondly.

“Casey…” Karkat leaned down to the little girl’s level and winced “I...I’m sorry I tried to murder Santa...I misunderstood and-”

Casey smiled at him. “It’s ok mister Karkat…” She smiled softly and shrugged “I know you were trying to protect me…” She wrapped her arms around Karkat’s neck and hugged him. She pulled back and “You told me that protecting people is always good.” She gave him a peck on the forehead “Thank you mister Karkat.”

Casey looked up at Kanaya, motioning her to come closer. “Psst.” She whispered, her arms still wrapped around Karkat’s neck “Miss Kanaya come here!”

Kanaya lowered herself to the floor, scooching towards them. Casey hooked an arm around her neck as well, hugging both her and Karkat close.

“I don’t think I would mind so much…” Casey whispered quietly “...If both of you became my parents too…”

She leaned back and planted a kiss on both of their foreheads. Kanaya and Karkat shared a wide-eyed look.

John smiled at his watch “Would you look at that…” He whispered “It just became Christmas!”

Rose lowered herself to the floor as well, wrapping her arms around Casey and Kanaya “Merry Christmas!” She whispered, kissing each of them on the cheek.

John laughed and went to the floor as well, wrapping the whole group in a bear hug “Merry Christmas you guys!”

Karkat blushed as one of John’s arms wound around his back, he tried not to think too much about what Casey had said…

Casey smiled, wrapped up in warmth and affection.

She sighed, absolutely content.

 

The shifter watched the scene from the vent above, cooing at their humans below, their favorite Casey in the center, happy and loved.

Merr Krisma small human. The shifter thought.

 

Merr Krisma.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> MERR KRISMA! 
> 
> But for reals! Merry Christmas! Joyous hannukah! A kickin' Kwanza! Happy holidays!
> 
> I hope you enjoyed and had a very lovely holiday!
> 
> What do you think? did you like it? Please comment I absolutely LOVE hearing from people!
> 
> Oh! and a happy new year too!


	21. The wedding, a Starship Skaia Valentine's day special

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> MAWWIGE IS WHAT BRINGS US TOGETHER TO-DAY!
> 
> It's the Starship Skaia Valentine's day special! There's a wedding going on! Links to the bridal march being played on a kazoo.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :3 hi guys! I hope you enjoy the Valentine's day special!

Karkat sat on the cold hard ground of the alien planet, his wrists were tied above his head with rough homemade rope, made from some sort of purple jungle vine native to the planet. Karkat pulled on them but the scratchy rope held tight, even raking his claws against the material proved fruitless. What the hell were plants made of on this fucking planet? He watched the bonfire in front of him, the fire heated Karkat’s face and painted swaths of yellow light across his cheeks. The heat of the fire was at odds with the cold stone pillar he was tied to, carved into the rough shape of some sort of humanoid with a long curving tail..

Definitely not one of the natives of this planet...

Speaking of the natives of this planet. Hordes of little red reptilian aliens tottered to and fro in front of Karkat, hauling firewood, squawking at one another and flailing their little nubby arms as they fumbled about. They looked like tiny crimson crocodiles, their beady blue eyes set wide apart, bulging outwards on their long thin faces, giving them a decidedly empty-headed look. 

Karkat scowled at the aliens in front of him, two of the little idiots that were tottering about the village ran into each other, both of them falling to the ground with a WHOMP. Both creatures stood up and began to squeak and squawk accusingly at one another. 

Karkat growled to himself, knocking his head into the pillar he was tied to, he couldn’t believe he got captured by THESE fuckers of all things. It was embarrassing really. He had been sneaking into the village while they were asleep, snoring little whistley snores while they slept in heaps and piles haphazardly in the village square. He had been attaching a tow rope to the Felicia drone that had crash landed on this stupid fucking planet when there was a sharp crack at the back of his skull and he was knocked cold.

When he woke up his helmet was gone, the plating on his PCD was cracked and sparking ominously and he was tied to a pillar.

Fucking perfect.

The Felicia drone that Karkat had volunteered to retrieve sat in the middle of the clearing next to the bonfire. The crocodile aliens had placed it on a rough spun blanket pillowed from underneath with dried leaves, the Felicia drone’s injured legs sparking ominously. An alien stood on either side of the drone, fanning it with large palm fronds, each one bowed in reverence to the drone.

Karkat watched the Crocodile aliens totter back and forth in front of him. Maybe he could catch one of the ones that strayed too close with his legs… One of the ones armed with a spear, then he could take the spear, cut the rope with it and-

“So!” John’s voice suddenly rang out cheerily from the communicator on Karkat’s uniform “How’s the solo mission going?”

Karkat stiffened. “...uh….” Karkat looked up at his tied wrists with a grimace. “The mission is going great!” Karkat answered back, his voice slightly strained “I have EVERYTHING HANDLED.” Karkat growled at the translator. “EVERYTHING IS FUCKING GREAT JOHN, FUCKING PEACHY. PEACHY AS SHIT JOHN. PEACHY. AS. FUCKING!! SHIT!!!!”

There was a snicker from the other end of the line and then-

“You know the camera on the Felicia drone is still working right?”

Karkat looked up at the drone, his brows furrowed. “OH FOR FUCKS SAKE!” Betrayed by your fellow captive, Felicia how could you...

The Felicia drone booped apologetically and moved one of her legs as if to shrug.

John stood on the bridge of the Starship Skaia, the video stream from the Felicia drone playing on screen. John giggled at the glare Karkat sent at the camera. He took a sip of coffee and smiled. “....So uh… you mentioned everything being fine, huh?”

“I HAVE EVERYTHING UNDER CONTROL!” Karkat screeched at the droid, straining against the ropes.

John snorted into his coffee mug. “Ah yes, so much control you have there, tied to a pillar, I’m sure they’re all shaking in their little boots.”

Karkat flipped the camera off with both hands still tied to the pillar.

He was too fun to tease. “Don’t worry, John.” John mimicked Karkat, furrowing his brow, squaring his shoulders and frowning exaggeratedly, his voice going low and rough “They’re just a bunch of lizards, how much of a problem could they be? No I don’t need backup!”

“OK SO FIRST OF ALL!” Karkat yelled into the mic, some of the crocodiles paused their work to stare worriedly at him “ALL THEY HAVE ARE SPEARS OK? THEY GOT LUCKY IS ALL!”

“Want me to send in a rescue?” John asked, a grin spreading across his face.

Karkat sighed heavily into the mic, knocking his head back against the stone pillar. There was a long pause as John suppressed his giggles, and Karkat reconsidered every poor life decision he had made up until this point.

There were quite a lot of them.

Karkat mostly blamed accepting John’s offer to become co-captain. He could have been doing paperwork.

PAPERWORK.

“.....yes…” Karkat admitted quietly.

John snorted into his mug, he was just too cute.

John blinked and shook his head. Wait no that wasn’t right, Karkat wasn’t cute he was-

Karkat pouted where he was tied to the pillar, his brows furrowed grumpily. He pulled his legs in close, resting his chin on his knees with a moody huff that ruffled his bangs.

Oh who was John kidding. Karkat was fucking adorable, like a cat that wandered into a grocery bag and couldn’t quite find their way out, or a cat that fell into a bathtub and looked up at you mournfully as if the fact that they were sopping wet was the worst thing to ever happen to anybody ever.

John was musing about just how cute Karkat would look stuck in a paper bag or wet in a bathtub aND NO STOP THAT TRAIN OF THOUGHT when suddenly-

Dirk crashed onto the bridge, breathing heavily as if he had run all the way there.

John looked up at Dirk, grateful for the distraction. “Oh Hi Dirk, we found the-”

Dirk Grabbed John and pulled him down to scream into John’s com link. “KARKAT!” Dirk screamed.

Karkat hissed and winced away from the communicator. “OW FUCKING- DIRK? IS THAT YOU?”

“HOW IS SHE?” Dirk sobbed into the mic “HOW IS FELICIA 56? IS SHE OK? HOW DOES SHE LOOK? DID THEY DO SOMETHING TERRIBLE TO HER? FOR FUCKS SAKE TELL ME!”

Karkat rolled his eyes “SHE’S FINE OK. GLAD TO SEE YOU’RE WORRIED ABOUT THE  MORE IMPORTANT OF THE PRISONERS HERE- THE DROID.”

Karkat eyed the droid, Felicia 56 waved back cheerily with one of her uninjured legs.

Karkat sighed.

“Two of her legs were crushed in the crash landing.” Karkat informed Dirk “She obviously can’t walk, and her propulsion systems must not be working, or else she would have flied away by now, but otherwise she’s FINE and they’re treating her well.”

Dirk put a hand to his chest and sighed audibly. “She’s ok…” Dirk leaned back, clutching his hands together “Tell her that her daddy loves her and misses her very much.”

Karkat growled to himself and thunked his head back against the pillar. He looked at the Felicia droid with a grimace. The felicia droid stared back at Karkat expectantly.

“...Your…. daddy…. says he loves you.” Karkat sighed at the droid. “And misses you very much.”

Felicia 56 booped happily and tapped two of her uninjured legs together as if to clap.

John smiled before a thought came over him, furrowing his brow. “Wait Karkat, have you tried talking to the creatures? Do you know why you’re being held prisoner?”

Karkat batted his eyes at the camera in the Felicia drone, smiling in an over exaggeratedly insipid way, sticking his front teeth out in a way that was obviously meant to mimic John. “Oh my goodness! Talking! To aliens! It never occurred to me to talk to an alien! Maybe I’ll just ASK NICELY and the little shits will just let me go and we’ll all roast grubmallows on sticks and touch pap each other’s faces and touch butts into the night OF COURSE I TRIED TALKING TO THEM YOU DENSE MOTHERFUCKER!” Karkat shrieked into his mic, absolutely bristling with rage. “MY TRANSLATOR ISN’T WORKING YOU FUCKING-”

“Ok! Ok!” John rubbed the ear his communicator was in “I get it!”

Dirk arched a brow in thought “Well the translator must be working somewhat, otherwise we would have been hearing Karkat speak in Alternian rather than English…” He pulled out his data pad and began to scroll through schematics. “It must be the ingest function on the translator that must be down…” 

He fiddled with the schematic for a moment, pulling up another screen that showed Karkat and the equipment he currently had on his person. “I can fix the translator and allow you to listen to what the crocodiles are saying, but it will temporarily cut off the communications with the ship…”

John nodded seriously. “Stay put Karkat, we’ll come to get you.”

Karkat sneered at the screen. “LIKE I HAVE ANY FUCKING CHOICE!” He screamed, pulling on the ropes that bound his wrists, kicking his feet in frustration.

John snickered and opened up another communication channel. “Hey Dave come to the bridge.”

Dave paused where he had been sitting on his desk in the security sector, a bowl of cheerios in his lap as he watched security cameras and a goofy bobblehead next to him. “What? Why?”

John began to walk out of the room “You’re third in command dude, your time to shine.” John turned back to look at Dirk. “How quickly can you get me set up with a ship?”

Dirk smiled.   
  
  


Karkat sighed where he was leaning against the pillar. The little alien crocodiles seemed to be gathering supplies for something, all of them bringing meat, sticks, cloth, and various flowers to the bonfire in the center of the village. They brought their materials to a crocodile alien that seemed to be the leader judging on the feathered headdress and the rough spun cape buttoned with a piece of shell that they wore. The leader of the villagers held a tall ceremonial looking staff, bulbous at one end and decorated with shells that jingled as the leader walked. Occasionally a villager would bring the leader an item to inspect, holding the item up with a small bow, and the leader would turn up their nose and hit them roughly on the head with the stick before pointing angrily away and apparently demanding that they bring another.

“Alright Karkat.” Dirk warned in his ear. “The cavalry is on it’s way. I’m fixing the ingest function on the translator now so that you can hear what the crocodile aliens are up to, this will temporarily sever communication with the ship, but if you can keep them busy it will give the rescue time to reach you.”

Dirk watched the video feed from the Felicia warily, pacing back and forth on the bridge just as Dave sauntered in sipping coffee from a Guy Fieri travel mug. “I’ll be watching you from the Felicia drone’s camera feed just in case.”

Karkat nodded at the drone. “Got it.”

“Alright.” Dirk nodded back even though he knew Karkat couldn’t see him “...Just try not to piss off the Aliens into killing you quicker.”

Karkat rolled his eyes. “I can’t make any promises.”

“Alright.” Dirk’s finger hovered over the button. “Good luck.”

The com in Karkat’s ear fizzled out, static replacing Dirk’s voice and then-

“PREPARE!” The little red crocodile aliens squeaked “PREPARE FOR THE COMING OF THE GREAT EGG!”

Karkat’s brows furrowed. “Coming of the-” He leaned towards one of the little crocodile aliens that tottered past him, this one with a basket of bread balanced on their head “HEY YOU!” Karkat demanded “I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR LEADER!”

The crocodile with the basket of bread on their head opened their muzzle and screamed, their tongue laving back and forth. “AAAAAAAAAaAAAaaaAAAAH!!!” The little alien screamed, flailing their little nubby arms “The sky person! They spoke!” They then dropped their basket of bread and tottered as fast as their nubby little legs could go towards their leader, their head thrown back and their mouth open the entire way, a grating “NAKNAKNAKNAKNAKNAK!” bubbling up from their throat the entire time.

Karkat hissed as the sound, his ears flicking back.

The alien came to their leader, finally ceasing to “nak” long enough to pull on the leader’s cape. “Leader leader!”

The leader turned towards them and bonked them squarely on the head with the ceremonial staff. “SUCH INSOLENCE!” The leader exclaimed, hitting the other alien again and again with the stick, their head thrown back and another “NAKNAKNAKNAKNAK!” sound being released from their throat. “DO YOU NOT SEE THAT THERE IS MUCH PREPARATION FOR THE COMING OF THE GREAT EGG?” They pointed at the Felicia drone with the staff “YOU DISHONOR ME IN FRONT OF THE EMISSARY OF THE GREAT EGG! DISHONOR! DISHONOR I SAY!”

The other alien pouted, rubbing their little scaly head. “Yes! But the sky person! They have spoken!”

“WHAAAAAAAT?” the leader exclaimed, their head thrown back and their tongue laving about. They took up their staff and trudged over to Karkat, teetering precariously back and forth on chubby stubby legs. “LET ME SEE AND HEAR THE SPEAKING IN WHICH THE SKY PERSON HAS SPOKEN!”

The leader tottered over to Karkat, their feathered headdress swaying back and forth as they made their way through the crowd of villagers. The villagers watched them go, blinking curiously, they followed the elder to where Karkat was tied to the pillar, whispering and “nakking” amongst themselves.

“YOU THERE!” The leader of the aliens reached up and bonked Karkat with their staff “SKY PERSON! WHAT IS THE THING IN WHICH YOU SAY?”

Karkat hissed and shook his head. “FUCK OFF!”

The leader turned to their people, one hand on their chubby hips as they waved their staff around, the shells tied to it clinking together in a mystical way. “THE SKY PERSON SAYS- FUCK OFF!”

The little red crocodiles gasped, their little nubby arms to their cheeks. “Oh!!!” They said in unison, all obviously enamored and delighted before they all threw their heads back with a throaty and joyous “NAKNAKNAKNAKNAKNAKNAK!!!”

Karkat winced at the sound, his shoulders bunching up in an attempt to shield his ears that were now firmly flicked back. “SHUT THE FUCK UP!” Karkat demanded.

“Do you hear that?” The leader twirled their staff again, a prophet delivering the most sacred of words ever uttered. “The Sky person says- SHUT THE FUCK UP!”

“NAKNAKNAKNAKNAKNAKNAKNAKNAKNAKNAKNAKNAKNAKNAKNAKNAKNAK!!!!!!!!!”

Karkat screamed.   
  


 

Ruth sat in the cockpit of the transport pod, flicking up switches, the engines humming to life underneath them. A GPS positioning system came online, showing an overview of the planet before honing in on the twin blips of Karkat’s PCD and the Felicia’s homing beacon.

“We’re locked on signal.” Ruth informed the captain, chewing on a toothpick between her teeth, a habit she picked up recently to fit the pilot aesthetic. She wore aviator sunglasses on under her helmet. John thought briefly that she looked like a Dave with boobs, but wisely decided to keep that thought to himself.

Churro was already in his seat, the now assumed ground crew for anything that involved Ruth. Churro glanced around at the empty seats around him, frowning a bit before he turned to look at the captain. “....Just us huh?”

John grinned “All we need. Take care of the ship and the pilot, I’ll take care of the rest.”

Ruth rolled her eyes invisible under the sunglasses she wore. She decided not to mention that Karkat had said almost the exact same thing, before well-

 

Karkat was surrounded by tiny red crocodile people, the little red aliens hopping up and down while chanting “NAK! NAK! NAK! NAK!”

 

John leaned out of the pod door, eyeing the motorcycle-sized speeders docked next to the transport pods. The speeders were meant for recon missions and surveys of larger territories, rarely used as Dirk’s Felicia drones did most of the work… He hadn’t tried one of them yet...  

John turned to Ruth, his eyebrows quirked up and a grin on his face “Think we can fit one of those in here?”

Ruth smiled.   
  
  


The red crocodile aliens continued to “NAK!” loudly as they surrounded Karkat, their little nubby arms in the air and their heads thrown back, their maws open wide and their tongues waving about.

“SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP!” Karkat screamed, pulling on his binds “I SWEAR TO GOD WHEN I GET OUT OF HERE YOU NOISEY MOTHERFUCKERS I’M GOING TO STUFF YOUR TAILS DOWN YOUR THROATS YOU STUPID-”

“DO YOU HEAR THAT!” The leader addressed their people again “THE SKY PERSON SAYS-”

“NO!” Karkat shrieked, loud enough that the vast majority of the crocodile people stopped their incessant nakking. “WE’RE NOT DOING THAT BULLSHIT AGAIN!”

One alien in the back continued to nak until he realized that everyone else stopped. He continued to nak a bit to himself for a moment, looking to his neighbors in an awkward confused way, before his nakking grew quieter and then died away altogether.

Nak.

The leader gazed up at Karkat, their tongue coming out to lick at one of their bulbous eyes.

Karkat growled, jutting his chin out at the little alien leader. “YOU. BOSS GUY. WHY THE FUCK AM I TIED UP? ARE YOU PLANNING TO KILL ME OR SACRIFICE ME TO YOUR GREAT EGG OR-”

The leader gazed up at Karkat “WHAAAAAAT?” They exclaimed, once again throwing back their head and opening their mouth all the way as they stretched out the word, their paws on either side of their face. “The naks would never kill an emissary of the great egg!”

“GREAT EGG!” The villagers repeated in unison, throwing back their heads to shout “NAKNAKNAKNAKNAKNAKNAKNAKNAKNAK!!!!!!”

Karkat hissed again at the sound. He wasn’t sure how much more of this he could take. Karkat rubbed his ear against his shoulder to try and dispel the ache that was beginning to bloom there. He looked up at the leader. “So what the fuck is the great egg?”

The leader grinned, waving their paw at Karkat in a flippant teasing way as if to say ‘oh why you silly boy you’. “OH HO HO! AN EMISSARY OF THE GREAT EGG THAT DOES NOT KNOW OF THE GREAT EGG? SURELY YOU ARE OF THE JOKING!” They chortled, holding their pudgy belly as they laughed. The rest of the village laughed along as well.

As the laughing died down the same guy in the back continued to laugh longer than the others until he noticed the others not laughing. His laughs died down, growing quieter and quieter. He coughed awkwardly in a paw. He didn’t know what was going on to be honest and he was too afraid to ask at this point. What was everyone doing? He just wanted to be included... He twiddled his claws and hoped nobody asked him a question...

The leader continued, their belly still shaking from their fit of breathy giggles “BUT TO PROVE OUR MOST SERIOUS DEVOTION TO THE GREAT EGG, I WILL TELL YOU!” The leader then looked out at the audience “BRING ME THE SCROLLS OF THE EGG PROPHET!”

“SCROLLS OF THE EGG PROPHET!” The villagers screamed excitedly and all went about in a tizzy to retrieve them.

“SCROLLS OF THE EGG PROPHET!” The villagers screamed, running into each other and falling into little flabbergasted heaps in their haste “NAKNAKNAKNAKNAKNAKNAK!!!!”

Finally a series of rolled up animal hides were presented to the leader. The crocodile in question bowing as they offered them up.

The leader bonked them on the head with their staff and took the scrolls. The leader attached the first scroll to the end of their staff, looping a bit of string into some holes in the middle of the scroll like how a notice is attached to a poll. The scroll unfurled showing off a series of crude drawings.

Karkat squinted at the muddy smudges.

The leader put a paw to the sky as they began to tell their story. “Long ago! Before the time of my egglayer, before the time of my egglayer’s egglayer, before the time of my egglayer’s egglayer’s egglayer, before the time of my-”

Oh for fucks sake.

“IT WAS A LONG TIME AGO.” Karkat rolled his eyes and growled. “GET ON WITH IT.”

The leader scowled at him, but simply put their snout haughtily into the air and continued. “The sky people came!” The leader pointed to a scribbly paper on the scroll, humanoid with….horns? It was difficult to tell because apparently all of the crocodiles were terrible drawers but Karkat was going to assume that it was probably meant to represent a troll.

The leader waved their staff back and forth, their eyes closed in mystical rapture. “They came in eggs! Eggs that floated through the sky!”

“EGGS!!!” The crocodile villagers repeated in unison “EGGS!!!”

Karkat furrowed his brows. Well that was...one way to make sense of a spaceship if you were a tiny crocodile alien…

The leader put up another scroll, showing more scribbly trolls gathered around a huge shape. “THE GREAT EGG WAS LAID INTO THE EARTH! CAUSING EARTHQUAKES AS THE GREAT EGG BEASTS BEGAN TO HATCH!”

Karkat’s eyes widened. A terraformer? Another terraformer…

“BUT THEN!” The leader put up another scroll. A dark vaguely feminine outline filled the page, her long serpentine tail curling behind her and she floated, surrounded by a yellow glow of smeared paint, her eyes glowing.

Karkat’s eyes were wide. It was the same thing! The same thing from the mural! The one who killed the colony and-

“Then SHE came.” The leader sneered in obvious contempt. A couple of crocodiles in the audience gasped in fear at the drawing, the younger ones curling with fright into their parent’s arms.

In the drawing figures ran from her and the glowing light. The crocodile leader sighed and shook their head “The emissaries of the egg fled, and the egg laid here… went still…”

A couple of crocodiles in the audience burst into loud sobs, curling into the arms of their neighbors for comfort.

The leader nodded seriously. “We have safeguarded the egg that they have left in our care, waiting for the emissaries of the great egg to return so that it may finally hatch!” The leader grinned up at Karkat “And so you have come with another most wondrous egg!”

The Felica drone waved from where they were on the blanket, happy to have been mentioned.

Karkat was taking in the story…. so trolls had at least attempted to colonize this planet as well, they must not have gotten very far or else the populace would have grown to dislike them as well and-

A very important question came to the forefront of his mind.

“So…” Karkat looked up at his bound wrists and then back down at the leader of the crocodile people who was still grinning up at him “...What do you need me for… and why am I tied up?”

The leader nodded up at Karkat, smiling with their paws together “Yes! Most excellent of questions!”

When the leader did not elaborate Karkat ventured to ask- “So…. can I go now?”

The leader chortled to themselves “Ha ha! No.” they shook their head and patted Karkat’s knee.

Karkat growled and pulled on his binds, leaning down to glare at the leader “THEN WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT?”

The leader put a claw to their thin chin. They looked down at the ground for a moment, tottering back and forth in front of Karkat like a sleuth on the case. “YES! We have waited a very long time for the great egg to hatch! I have discovered the reason in why the egg has not hatched with my very much so smartest of leader brains!”

The leader turned to Karkat their cape whirling dramatically behind them “It is in the need of parents! Now that you are here you must marry and adopt the egg! Then when it has been appeased in such a manner, it shall hatch!”

Karkat gave him a blank look. “What?”

The leader looked out to the crowd, their tiny paws on their hips “BRING ME MY SON! THE PRINCE OF THE NAKS!”

The crowd cheered! They bent their heads back in a hearty round of nakking before they all turned their attention to-

The guy at the back continued to Nak for a moment before he noticed that nobody else was nakking anymore. As a matter of fact they were all staring at him…

His nakking quieted down, looking nervously among his peers. 

He coughed awkwardly into a paw.

“YES!” The leader, his progenitor pointed at him. “BRING ME MY SON!”

The crowd cheered and jostled him forward, pushing him to the front where he stumbled awkwardly into the clearing where the leader and the sky person were.

The leader took his son’s paw and raised it into the air. “TOGETHER THEY SHALL BE JOINED IN MARRIAGE! AS IS THE WILL OF THE GREAT EGG!”

“GREAT EGG!” The villagers screamed back in unison, clapping cheerfully.

“WHAT?” Karkat snarled, absolutely enraged, kicking his feet out “THAT’S FUCKING BULLSHIT!”

The village clapped merrily, leaning back to open their mouths and Nak loudly, proudly screaming their delight and devotion to the great egg into the night sky. “NAKNAKNAKNAKNAKNAKNAKNAKNAKNAKNAKNAKNAKNAKNAK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

The prince of the Naks looked out at his people. He still didn’t know what was going on.

And he was too afraid to ask at this point.

The leader clapped their paws together. “NOW! PREPARE THE BRIDE!”

The village cheered, throwing up their little red paws before they pounced on the unfortunate Karkat. Karkat was overcome with a great horde of nakking crocodile aliens, clambering over him, under him, nakking incessantly. A spear cut his bound wrists and Karkat was lifted up on a cloud of over enthusiastic nakking assholes who excitedly began to carry him off to one of the huts.

“THIS ISN’T OVER!” Karkat screamed, glaring daggers at the leader who simply smiled and waved Karkat off “AS SOON AS I AM BACK IN MY SHIP I WILL USE THE CANNONS TO BLOW YOUR SHIT TO KINGDOM COME I SWEAR TO FUCK YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE I WILL-”

Karkat was suddenly rudely deposited onto a hard dirt floor inside the hut.

Another crocodile came to the front of the group that surrounded Karkat. They were the only one in the village who was wearing any sort of proper clothes, a rough spun skirt with woven patterns, bracelets jingled as she put her hands to her hips. “THIS-” She motioned to Karkat angrily “THIS IS WHAT YOU BRING ME TO WORK WITH?” 

She snorted indignantly before raising her snout into the air and sighing with resignation “WELL HONEY… I’VE SEEN WORSE."

Karkat glared back at her, wiggling on the floor like an indignant worm, his hands tied in front of him. “LET ME GO YOU LITTLE FUCKS I SWEAR THAT-”

The crocodile alien clapped their little paws in a haughty gesture, cutting off Karkat’s rant. “FILL THE BATH! FIND ME SOME PROPER BEADS AND BRING ME MY FABRIC!”

Karkat screamed, his claws making rough furrows in the dirt floor as he was dragged away to be forcibly prepared for his wedding day.

 

Outside the hut the leader turned to the night sky. Soon, they thought, the great egg will finally hatch and it will be due to their brilliant leadership! 

Something came into the planet’s atmosphere, a blip of light against the night sky like a shooting star, burning bright in the distance.

The leader wound their arm around their son’s shoulder. “Look!” They pointed at the burning spot heading towards the edge of the forest “The great egg has sent us a sign! They approve of this most marvelous union!”

 

Ruth held tightly onto the pod’s controls, the pod shaking around them, little spurts of flame licking against the glass as the pod rocketed through the alien atmosphere. “Alright!” Ruth announced to her two passengers “We’ve passed through the stratosphere of the alien planet, ETA-fucking soon.”

John nodded, the speeder shaking where it was strapped into the center of the pod between him and Churro. “Land a bit aways from the village, we don’t want to spook them too much until we have Karkat back.”

Ruth nodded, piloting the pod expertly “Roger.”

John grinned “Actually! My name is John!”

“Captain with all due respect.” Ruth struggled to keep the controls in check as the pod rocketed through the atmosphere “Fuck off.”   
  


 

In the hut the horde of tiny crocodiles stood back, looking up at Karkat, the tiny crocodile that was wearing a skirt and bracelets stood out at the front of the pack, looking proudly up at Karkat.

“I…” The crocodile wiped a single tear from her snout. “...I’m a genius.”

Karkat growled at the center of the room, his fists clenched and his shoulders a tense line of frustration. He wore a white rough spun dress and a headdress so large and gaudy it would make Cher jealous. Karkat yelled and shrugged off the offending mass of feathers and shells, the gigantic hat flopping to the floor in a glittering heap.

Karkat pinched the bridge of his nose. “ALRIGHT. FIRST OF ALL-” Karkat motioned forcefully “I’m not FUCKING getting married! I don’t care if you all think that it will make the great egg hatch I-”

The crocodile seamstress picked up the headdress, dusting it off and setting it on a low table. “Why?” She asked.

Karkat paused his diatribe, his clawed hands still outstretched. “...Why what?”

She looked up at Karkat “Why don’t you want to get the married?” She looked out the flap of the hut, the prince of the naks was currently being fitted with a similar headdress to Karkat’s as well as a handsome cape. He STILL didn’t know what was going on. 

She shrugged “He is an idiot, but he’s nice enough…”

Karkat sputtered, throwing up his hands “Because I’m a captain! I have a ship! We have things to do and-”

-And because of John. A very small voice in the back of Karkat’s head informed him. Karkat growled and shoved the offending thought away. He wasn’t some lovestruck idiot that-

“Ah.” The crocodile woman nodded sagely as she looked over Karkat “You already have an idiot.”

Karkat stiffened “No! No no no!” He shook his head and waved his hands in front of him as if he could erase what she just said “He’s not a- Well I mean he is an idiot, but he’s not MY idiot! He’s nobody’s idiot!”

She shrugged, turning to one of the other naks who was bustling past with a basket of flowers. “...Well if you say so…”

Karkat put his hands on his hips “I DO say so! He’s juvenile, idiotic, he never THINKS before he does things and-”

The crocodile woman raised two flowers towards Karkat, brightly colored and shaped like a cross between an orchid and a lily. “Red or blue?"

“Red.” Karkat answered automatically before he paused “Wait let me see the-” Karkat picked up the blue flower.

Karkat looked down at the bright blue flower, running a thumb down one of the petals. “He’s a stupid dumb idiot who just goes around being way too kind. How the fuck has he survived this long? I swear! He’s one of those assholes where things always goes right for them. Buck-toothed, overly cheerful idiot with weirdly nice hair... How can it be messy and STILL look good? That doesn’t make sense! You can’t trust someone who manages to make messy hair look good and-”

The crocodile woman looked at Karkat knowingly over one of her shoulders, her eyes trailing from the flower and then back to Karkat, a smug grin across her snout. “… so is your idiot is BLUE by any chance?”

Karkat froze, bringing the flower closer to his chest and glaring down at her “He’s not MY idiot! He’s just-”

The crocodile woman continued to smile at Karkat and Karkat noticed that he was holding the flower tenderly to his chest, he almost chucked the flower across the room to try and prove to the tiny reptilian alien woman that he was NOT having feelings over a blue flower just because it happened to be John blue and-

Karkat put the flower gently on the table, crossing his arms and refusing to look at the little alien woman who was undoubtedly grinning at him.

Shut up!

She chuckled and put a paw to her mouth. “You’re just like my wife, never knows when to be honest with her feelings.”

Karkat was going to protest but then there was a large cheer from outside the hut. One of the naks poked their head into the hut “The ceremony is about to start!”

When they left the crocodile woman hurriedly took a bunch of the red flowers off the table, arranging them into a bouquet. She deposited these into Karkat’s still bound hands. She then took a small knife from her table, checking to see if anyone was looking before she put the knife in the center of the bundle, obscuring it with the rest of the red flowers.

“BRING THE BRIDE!” The leader screamed from the outside. A couple of armed guards came into the hut, their spears trained on Karkat.

As Karkat was escorted out of the hut the crocodile woman waved “Good luck! She tittered “I hope you find your idiot!” She winked.

Karkat waved back bemusedly as a couple of guards pushed him out of the hut, their spears digging in slightly on his back. Huh….Kanaya would’ve liked her…

Karkat walked outside the hut, a couple of naks threw flower petals under his feet as he went, falling over each other and tripping on their own tails. The rest of the village was arranged in two halves on either side, all of them looking at Karkat expectantly. At the end of the aisle the leader stood proudly, their chest puffed up and their snout held high. The Felicia drone had been set on their blanket behind them. The prince of the naks stood next to them, a worried look on their face and sweating profusely. They still didn’t know what was going on.

Naks on either side lifted up instruments that looked as if they were hand carved from various sticks, they blew into them and began to play.

[ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jXW3bb6VWE0 ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jXW3bb6VWE0)

Karkat grit his teeth as the nasally kazoo-like instruments belted out what sounded suspiciously like the human wedding march song. The guards pushed on his back and Karkat was urged forward towards the leader and the prince of the naks.

The leader cleared their throat and mercifully, the kazooing ended. They raised their staff above their head “MAWWIGE IS WHAT BRINGS US TOGETHER! TO-DAY!”

The prince stiffened. WAIT WHAT?

Karkat glanced at the edge of the village, hoping to see John barreling in but the overly cheerful human seemed nowhere in sight. Karkat glared down at the leader, his teeth bared. “You know what?” Karkat announced, his hands tightening around his bouquet and the knife inside. “FUCK. THIS. SHIT!”

Karkat gripped the knife, angling it down in a quick slice to cut through his bonds. He ripped his hands apart, gripping the knife in one hand and the wedding bouquet in the other. He kicked the leader, toppling the little crocodile over who squealed indignantly. Karkat yanked the staff out of their paws and put a foot to their chest, glaring down at them. 

“I AM NOT.” Karkat growled “GETTING MARRIED TODAY!”

“Stop!” A trio of guards pointed their spears at Karkat, advancing forward.

“FUCK YOU!” Karkat answered back. He pulled back the leader’s staff like a golf club, swinging as hard as he could, hitting the leader straight on the rump and sending them flying through the air, knocking into the guards and toppling them like a bunch of bowling pins. Altogether it was a very confused sports metaphor.

The villagers cried out in dismay as Karkat jumped over the leader and the guards, running down the aisle and out of the village.

The leader sat up with a growl, righting their headdress. “AFTER THEM!” They demanded.   
  


 

In the pod, Ruth squinted down at the GPS read out of Karkat and the Felicia drone’s locations. “Uh… captain?” She watched one blip move away from the other “Something is going on.”

John’s looked at her “What is it?”

Ruth sighed “I think Karkat is-”

Ruth was interrupted by a message coming through the coms. “Hey John?” Dave’s voice rang out through the speaker.

John stood up “What is it? What happened? Is Karkat ok?”

Dave sighed, watching a replay from the Felicia drone of Karkat smacking the leader of the naks with their own staff and flying through the air like an angry and dismayed golf ball. Dirk was wheezing with laughter next to him, a hand to his face as he desperately tried to stifle his breathy giggles.

“Karkat pulled some straight daytime drama shit in the alien village, smacked their leader out of the park like fucking troll Tiger Woods and now is on the run from the entire fucking village.” Dave informed him.

John sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. “For fucks sake Karkat.”

Just then on the other side of the pod window a thousand points of light streamed into the woods, running past the camouflaged ship about a hundred yards away. Hundreds of tiny red crocodile aliens carrying torches were chasing after-

John’s eyes widened, he unhooked the speeder where it was strapped to the pod floor. He opened the pod doors and mounted the speeder. “Go retrieve the Felicia drone.” John commanded “I’ll get Karkat.”

He started up the speeder, glowing blue light coming from between the plating of the white streamlined porcelain, the machine powering on with a hum, floating slightly into the air.

Ruth smiled lazily, saluting her captain. “Aye aye! Go get em tiger!”

John piloted the speeder out of the pod onto the forest floor below, zipping off towards where the horde of reptile aliens were chasing Karkat.   
  


 

Karkat ran through the woods, his knife in one hand and his bouquet in the other, the crocodile aliens were chasing after him nakking angrily with their torches raised above their head.

Karkat ran as fast as he could, tripping over the hem of his wedding dress occasionally “FuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuck-”  He looked back at the horde, a strange humming sound coming closer and-

Karkat yelped as an arm circled his waist, pulling him roughly off his feet and-

Karkat looked up at John, his hair was messy and peeking out from his helmet. Karkat was being held bridal-style across John’s lap as John piloted the speeder. The trees parted above them and John looked down for a moment and smiled down at him, the night sky glittering around him, the swirling blue and purple of the night sky sending shocks of color through his dark hair. The glow from the torches of the angry mob sent warm light across his features, his already bright blue eyes reflecting yellow streaks and making them almost glow in the near darkness.

John looked down at Karkat, his hair and wedding dress being whipped by the wind, his red eyes wide with shock, clutching the bouquet of flowers like a lifeline. 

John laughed “Hi Karkat.”

Karkat’s mouth suddenly went dry.

Holy shit.

This was just like the romance novels Karkat definitely didn’t own and read every night.

Karkat swallowed and pointed an accusing finger up at John. “For your information.” Karkat croaked, angry at John for his stupid dramatic romantic hero entrance, the way his  pretty  stupid bright blue eyes looked against the night sky, and the fact that his hair, which should have looked awful, had been artfully tousled by the wind and looked fucking fantastic…

“I had everything handled.” Karkat insisted, glaring up at John.

John laughed and looked up from Karkat, piloting the speeder over a log, the bump making Karkat yelp and clutch onto John’s shoulders. “Sure you did!”

“GIVE US BACK THE BRIDE!” The leader of the naks screamed, waving a torch above their heads. “THE GREAT EGG MUST HATCH!”

John looked to Karkat quizzically. Karkat sighed and put a hand to his face and sighed. “...I’ll explain later.”

John raised an eyebrow at the horde behind them “They’re pretty fast for having such stubby legs.” He raised his PCD, a blaster forming in his hands and-

“WHAT?” Karkat sat upright in John’s lap “They’re annoying little fucks but you can’t actually kill them!”

John gave Karkat a look before he laughed and shook his head “Don’t worry! I’m not going to kill them I’m just gonna-”  He aimed, closing one eye. Karkat watched in horror and-

John shot! A streak of blue energy whizzing through the night and hitting a tree. The great tree trunk groaning before it toppled over, cutting off the path and leaving a hundred or so irate crocodile aliens on the other side.

“Captain!” Ruth’s voice rang out in John’s com “We have the droid, meet us at the rendezvous.”

“Roger.” John acknowledged.

“Actually!” Ruth smiled as she leaned against the ship casually, Churro wheezing as he rolled the Felicia drone up the loading ramp and into the pod. “My name is Ruth!”

John laughed.

 

John piloted the speeder to the rendezvous point. Churro and Ruth were outside the pod waiting for them, Ruth idly chewing her toothpick.

John powered down the speeder in front of the pod and before Karkat could protest lifted Karkat into a bridal lift, climbing off the speeder and towards the pod.

Karkat growled, a blush spreading across his cheeks and to his ears. “WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU’RE DOING?” Karkat screamed, kicking out his feet. “MY LEGS WORK JUST FINE!”

“I know.” John nodded with a smile, puffing out his chest, Karkat in his arms like the cover to a bad romance novel “But it’s traditional for new brides to be carried through doors.”

Karkat hissed and struggled in John’s arms, pushing John’s face back with an outstretched hand “I AM NOT A FUCKING BRIDE PUT ME DOWN THIS INSTANT YOU STUPID FUCK I SWEAR TO GOD I-”

Ruth grinned “Do do dad doo!” she hummed the bridal march. “Doo dooo da dooooo!”

John began to march up the pod ramp as Ruth dutifully belted out the bridal march. In the com line Dave and Dirk also began to sing along, laughing wheezily between notes.

With one final growl Karkat slumped dramatically in John’s arms. “I hate all of you.”

John carried Karkat inside and Ruth cheered and clapped, Dave and Dirk joining in on the com line, adding a couple of wolf whistles. John set the moody Karkat into one of the seats, bucking his seat belt for him before Karkat swatted away his hands. Churro loaded the speeder into the pod. 

Karkat crossed his arms moodily and looking away from John so the human wouldn’t see the persistent blush across his cheeks. John smiled cheerfully. “Let’s go home!”

The pod rose into the air, heading up out of the atmosphere and towards the starship.

  
  


On the planet, the leader of the naks screamed angrily on the ground on the other side of the tree trunk that John’s blaster had felled. “NO!!!” They screamed and beat the ground with their tiny fists. “WE WERE SO CLOSE! FORGIVE ME GREAT EGG!”

The pod rose into the sky, the shimmer of the cloaking field shimmering away for a moment and exposing the pod’s smooth white shell. The naks all watched, following with their eyes as the pod moved up and up until-

Through the fog of their atmosphere, the smooth white gleam of the starship skaia orbiting their planet could be seen.

The naks gasped, their beady eyes wide.

The leader stepped out in front of them, raising their paws with joy and exclaimed “THE GREAT EGG! IT HAS ARISEN!”

“EGG! EGG! EGG! EGG!” The villagers cheered, throwing up their paws with ecstatic glee, throwing back their heads they let out a hearty “NAKNAKNAKNAKNAKNAKNAKNAKNAK!” into the night sky.   
  


 

The pod opened in the starship hangar. Karkat leaned against the doorframe, tired and a bit scratched up, his wedding dress torn and frayed at the bottom, the bouquet of flowers still clenched tightly in one hand.

Karkat stumbled down the ramp, a tired look in his eyes and his shoulders tense. “Fuck that planet.” He announced. 

John followed him down the ramp. “They weren’t all bad were they?”

“They were annoying little shits and I hate them.” Karkat groused. He thought about the crocodile woman that had passed him the knife and immediately felt guilty. “....well...except for one…”

John laughed and bumped shoulders with Karkat amiably, the small touch making Karkat shiver. John smiled down at him, his blue eyes shining with mirth. “Well I’m glad you don’t hate all of them.”

Karkat looked away ‘.... so is your idiot blue by any chance?’ Karkat shook his head to dispel the teasing words from the crocodile woman and her little snorting laugh.

“Yeah well.” Karkat quickly changed the subject, looking down at the bouquet in his hands “I don’t want to be married.”

John laughed and took one of the red flowers from the bouquet. “Too bad!” He chirped. He put the flower behind one of Karkat’s pointed ears and smiled at him. “You make a cute bride!”

Karkat’s face flushed a deep red, his eyes widening, a strained squeak coming from his throat.

John paused, his brows furrowing. “Karkat? Are you alright?”

“YEAHIMFINEFUCKOFFJOHN” Karkat said in a rush, turning on a heel away from John and hurrying down the hallway as fast as he could towards his quarters. Kanaya passed Karkat in the hall and Karkat threw the bouquet at her. Kanaya caught the flowers, her eyes widened with surprise.

There was a small laugh and John turned to see Rose leaning against the wall of the hangar, watching him a small smile on her face.

John looked back at Rose who was stifling a laugh with a dainty hand. “Rose?” John frowned. “Wha-”

Rose shook her head. “Oh John. I’m sure you’ll get it soon enough.”

Kanaya continued down the hall to stand next to Rose, still holding the bouquet. Rose smiled at her.

“Oh my…” Rose tittered, batting her eyelashes up at her girlfriend, leaning towards her with a smirk “You caught the bouquet… you know what that means…”

Kanaya did NOT know what that meant and immediately began to sweat.

John watched Karkat trudge down the hallway, his wedding dress fluttering behind the fleeing troll. He had no idea what was going on.

And he was too afraid to ask at this point.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yes it was I who made the shitty romance book cover edit. Send all of your angry letter to me for assaulting your poor eyes.
> 
> I hope you enjoyed! Pls comment your reactions!


	22. Space taco of mystery

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Romance shenanigans are happening all over the ship. Meanwhile Jade comes across some startling readings from the ship's computers. What could this possibly mean?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! I hope you like the new chapter! Sorry for having two specials in a row, now we're on to our normal programming

Dirk tutted, his hands on his hips as he looked over the Felicia drone. “And just how did you damage your legs on the last planet?” Dirk sighed, one brow arched over his glasses, his mouth pinched with concern. 

The Felicia drone booped sheepishly where they sat in their dock, the sockets where her legs were supposed to be sparking a bit.

Dirk pinched the bridge of his nose. “Well then no more ‘sick flips’ young missy.” He chastised the robot “You gave me and your other father a real scare!” He motioned over to where Equius was on the other side of the workshop, a welding helmet down as he pieced back together the drone’s damaged legs.

Equius turned off his welder, pushing up his welder’s helmet. “That is quite right.” he nodded seriously at the robot. “Do refrain from such foolishness, not all planets shall be as welcoming as the small red reptiles in which you encountered.”

Another Felicia drone piped in from their docking station on the other side of the hangar. They booped peevishly, waking up their neighboring drones who groaned electronically and turned around in their docks to ignore them.

Equius raised a brow at the robot “You said that a creature on another planet threw a rock at you?” He huffed “You are well armored enough to withstand a rock…”

Both Dirk and Equius’ data tablets pinged with an email from the drone:

 

[From: Felicia 12]

Well it may not have hurt my chassis... but it hurt my FEELINGS!

 

Dirk huffed, rolling his eyes behind his shades. He turned to Equius. “Thanks for doing most of the patchwork, I’ll do the installation.”

“Thank you, though it will be just a moment....” Equius answered back “There are a few more adjustments to be made…” Equius turned back to his work, reconnecting a few wires with careful precision and practiced ease. 

They hadn’t talked about the er… incident that happened between them. When Nepeta had been so rudely left behind on the desert planet, Equius had known that the THING that was brought back in her stead was not Nepeta. However in his haste to kill the creature, others had assumed that he was suffering a psychotic break, and he was unjustly subdued by the lead medical officer.

Equius tested the hydraulics inside the leg, his brows furrowing at the stilted movements. Dirk had stayed by his side while he was forcefully admitted into the medical wing. Equius had been groggy from anesthesia and terrified for Nepeta. He was able to convince Dirk that he was sane, and the second that Dirk had freed him he-

Equius had been so emotionally overwhelmed he had-

Oh dear he had-

In his defense, Equius had been compromised by the cocktail of medications that Jane Crocker had used to subdue him, he had also been extremely worried about Nepeta and particularly emotional and- and-

He had picked Dirk up and kissed him.

Equius flushed a dark blue. The human had been so small, so warm against him. At the time though there had been a creature to kill, and a moirail to save or else he would have loved to have drowned in that moment, holding the human until the perpetual chill in Equius’s bone’s were replaced by mammalian heat, until he knew the contours of DIrk’s flesh better than he knew his own.

Equius slotted the last wire back into place and tested the robotic limb. He smiled slightly as the jointed leg moved, much smoother than it had been before. He looked over his shoulder at Dirk.

Dirk was leaning down next to the injured droid, rubbing one hand against the droid’s outer shell to soothe them. He was humming something under his breath as he pulled up his data pad, scrolling through the Felicia's code as he ran a full diagnostic. A pink tongue peeked out slightly to wet his bottom lip, his brows furrowed as he read the error messages that appeared in the code.

Equius would be the first to admit that his romantic experience was er...limited. 

As a 6 and a half sweep old he had harbored a desperate crush on Aradia, and severely misunderstanding the nuances of romance, had attempted to woo her by crassly foisting a kiss upon her person. 

The encounter left Equius with nothing but a punch to the jaw. 

There had been a couple of his own teeth strewn across his lap as Aradia sat him down, she had given him a cloth to clean the blood from his face, and the both of them had a long and tense conversation about consent and the hemospectrum. 

Equius had struggled with what she told him, he had been hurt by the encounter, both literally and figuratively. However, he never wanted to hurt someone like that again and resolved to do better. Nepeta had also been helping him on that front, though he found that centuries of hemospectrum dogma were difficult to shrug off. 

He had applied for a position on the Starship Skaia because Nepeta had been bound and determined to go, he was loathe to be without her, and at the time he distrusted the notion of trolls and an alien species working together on-board a ship. The Earth media that Equius had been forced to consume at the time, as Nepeta had been obsessed with an Earth anime called “Tokyo Mew Mew” had given him the impression that humans were nothing but a conglomeration of brightly colored idiots who hugged and talked about friendship all day while working in maid cafes (though if he had to choose a favorite it would be Mew Mew Zauka. Such poise). He had expected a ship full of slack-jawed, brightly colored, barely sentient nincompoops but-

Dirk had surprised him. He was exceedingly intelligent, with a razor sharp wit and a calculating mind. His robotic designs were brilliant, so different than how Equius was used to working and yet so- so-

So Dirk.

Tracing a claw across one of the circuit boards Dirk had soldered, following the logic from capacitor to micro processor, to inductor- Equius could see Dirk’s rare smiles, a wry twist of his thin lips. He could hear his laughter, more breath than voice, he could see his square shoulders, covered in honey-colored freckles. His eyes, that one day he had seen them, that one moment his glasses had fallen when going to Equius’s aid and oh! They were like molten gold, vulnerable like a stripped wire in need of a connection. Dirk was the positively charged wire to Equius’s negatively charged wire, working together in a perfect circuit.

Equius picked up the now repaired legs, forcing away the idiotic lovestruck smile that had made itself home on his face whenever his thoughts turned to Dirk. He schooled his expression back into something more appropriate and turned back to the human in question. “The repairs have been completed.”

Dirk looked up from the code rolling across his tablet, smiling up at Equius, a crooked twist of his lips. “Thanks Eq.”

Dirk took the robotic legs from Equius and oh! The brief moment where Equius passed it to him and his small warm hands brushed against his! The gaze behind their sunglasses meeting! Negative meets positive and the circuit completes! Both turned away, slight blushes gracing their cheeks pink and blue respectively.

Equius went back to his work table, cleaning off debris from the repair, his hands still tingling slightly where they had touched Dirk’s. He was... embarrassingly smitten, something he hadn’t felt since Aradia all those sweeps ago. He refused to mess it up this time. He had to say something.

Equius steeled himself, taking a deep breath and exhaling slowly. He turned to Dirk “Dirk I-”

Equius’s voice died in his throat. Dirk had unzipped the top part of his uniform, tying the long sleeves around his waist as he worked on reattaching the robotic limbs. Now with his top half clad in only a tank top, Equius could see the marks. There were four on each arm, stark bruises just under the silly tattoo on his bicep.

Equius’s mind stuttered for a moment, wondering just how the bruises occurred before suddenly it hit him.

When Equius had picked Dirk up to kiss him…

He looked down at his hands, to the four bruises on each arm...

Those marks were from Equius.

Equius felt a weight form at the bottom of his stomach, his face flushed with shame.

Dirk turned back to Equius, seemingly unconcerned. “Hmm? What did you want Eq?”

“I uh…” Equius couldn’t stop looking at the bruises, each blue blotch a shameful imprint of Equius’s own fingers. He swallowed around the lump in his throat. “Is it acceptable...that I er...leave early today?”

Dirk’s brows furrowed. Usually you couldn’t force Equius out of the engineering section. “Uh…” he fiddled with one of the robotics limbs in his hands. Something was wrong... “...Sure dude… do what you need to do…” He coughed awkwardly, rubbing the back of his neck “... are you... ok?”

Equius turned away from Dirk and the dark marks across his arms. He shook his head, trying to get the image out of his head “Thank you. If you shall have need of me I will be with Nepeta for the time being.”

“I uh…” Dirk frowned. What happened? “...alright.”  
  


 

Nepeta sighed, running her hand through Equius’s long hair as he sobbed into her lap. They were lounging in a pile in her quarters, the horse print blanket that Equius had given Nepeta wound around the both of them as they cuddled into a pile of stuffed animals. The blue stuffed horse that Equius held squeaked as he sobbed and clutched it harder, it’s googly eyes bulging out for a moment..

“Equihiss…” Nepeta murmured, wiping blue tears from his cheeks with another small stuffed animal “I really don’t think he’s mad at mew.”

Equius sniffed, turning his head in her lap to look up at her. Nepeta took the opportunity to gently take off his glasses and put them to the side. He looked up at her with wide doleful blue eyes, dark tired smudges underneath.

“Nepeta, I HURT him!” He pressed his head to her stomach and Nepeta continued to card her hands through his hair. “It is unacceptable! Atrocious! Such a noble and beautiful creature deserves far more!”

Nepeta huffed “Equihiss I think fur making a bigger deal out of hiss than it needs to be.”

Equius shook his head. “Deplorable! Unthinkable! Udderly shameful!”

Nepeta rolled her eyes and sighed “Well if mew feel that bad about it then just apawlogize! I really don’t think it’s that big of a deal though.”

Equius sat up, wiping blue tears from his cheeks. He reached for his glasses and put them back over his eyes “I must attempt to apologize for my crass behavior. Thank you Nepeta.”

Nepeta sighed, her lips pressed into a thin unsure line.

  
  


The next day Equius was in the engineering section, trying valiantly to put together a servo motor but Dirk’s presence next to him at the workstation was distracting. Equius kept glancing at Dirk behind his shades, with his attention focused elsewhere he lost control of his grip and the little mechanism cracked and sparked.

“Oh fiddlesticks.” Equius hissed, his ears flicking down.

Dirk’s brows furrowed. Equius had been acting weird all day but he didn’t know how to broach the subject “Eq? Are you ok?”

Equius’ lips thinned. He huffed “Yes I.” He shook his head, breaking out into a nervous sweat “Actually… Dirk can we talk?”

Dirk froze. His eyes wide behind his shades “I uh… yes?”

Equius grimaced, rubbing the back of his neck “It’s about the er… the um… the kiss…”

Dirk held his breath. “....yes?”

Equius sighed. “I didn’t...I didn’t mean to-” He motioned awkwardly in the air, clutching his hands, miming when he had clutched Dirk’s shoulders so roughly “With the- and the- I’m so sorry about the-”

Dirk paused, his face carefully blank. “You’re… sorry about it?” he whispered

Equius nodded, relieved that Dirk understood “Yes! I’m very terribly sorry about it! I never meant to do something like that!”

“Ah.” Dirk nodded. He rubbed the back of his neck, looking away from Equius awkwardly. “... Hey Eq do you mind if I leave early?”

Equius broke out into a new round of profuse sweating. Did that… did that go well? “Ah… no?”

Dirk definitely didn’t run out of the lab. That would have been childish, which is why he definitely didn’t do exactly that. Also, he wasn’t crying. Shut up.

  
  


Dirk was face down in Roxy’s lap, his frustrated screaming muffled by Roxy’s skirt. Roxy sighed, resting her game controller on Dirk’s blonde hair.

“Dirky poo.” Roxy looked down at him during a cutscene in her game, one blonde brow arched “I think you’re making this more out of this than it is…”

Dirk raised his head from her lap and Roxy took the opportunity to gently take his glasses from him and set them off to the side.

“He apologized for kissing me Rox!” Dirk growled and tore at his hair. 

Roxy shrugged, throwing up a hand “ok did he actually say that? It mostly sounds like he mostly just flailed around and sweated a lot...” Roxy had no idea why Dirk chose sweaty troll guy McGee to have a massive crush on (Maybe the horse thing?), but she tried her best to be supportive.

“I know what he meant Rox!” Dirk insisted. He put a hand to his forehead, a resigned look on his face “He was emotional and recovering from anesthesia, and I read too much into it! I took advantage of him!”

Roxy grimaced, her nose crinkling “wait...but didn’t he kiss you?”

Dirk groaned, rubbing his eyes and grimacing. “He picked me up. It was the beautiful shojo anime moment of my fucking dreams… half naked with his bishie hair all over the place GODDAMN...” Dirk sighed, shaking his head “but he wasn’t in his right mind! He obviously regretted it afterwards!” 

Dirk looked stricken, his lips thinning to a tense line “I must have been making him so uncomfortable this last week!” he draped himself over Roxy’s lap “This is just like Jake.”

Roxy threw up her hands “HOW IN THE HECK IS THIS JUST LIKE JAKE?”

Dirk looked up at her, his blonde brows furrowed. “I read too much into things people do when they’re over-emotional. Jake wasn’t ready for a relationship but I was, and I didn’t realize I was steamrolling over his feelings. I just ended up making him uncomfortable, pressing him for everything I wanted from a relationship. I saw what I wanted to see and ended up smothering him”

Roxy shook her head, her blonde bangs falling into her face before tucking them back. “Ok but for realsies that shit doesn’t count, both you and Jake were stupid about how that went down.”

Dirk sat up, picking up his glasses and donning them with an air of grim determination “I’m not going to make the same mistake though, I’m not going to foist my presence on someone who’s feeling uncomfortable, no matter how much I want a relationship. I respect Equius too much to do that to him.”

Roxy sighed.

 

 

The next day Equius watched Dirk move his work table to the other end of the room with the air of certain doom. The gulf between them widening both figuratively and literally. Equius couldn’t help but nervously peek over at the far side of the room where Dirk was now diligently working. The space beside his own workbench where Dirk used to occupy feeling unbearably empty.

Later that night Nepeta patted the back of Equius’s head as the larger troll laid face-down in her lap, sobbing so loudly that it sounded like a hoarse (horse) braying. “HE ABSOLUTELY DESPISES ME!” Equius’ shoulders shook as he cried “HE ABSOLUTELY! POSITIVELY! DESPISES ME!”

 

Nepeta and Roxy were slumped over on the floor next to each other, both of them looking despairingly up at the ceiling.

“THEY ARE BOTH!” Nepeta announced, throwing up her hands “SO STUPID!”

Roxy sighed, taking another sip of margarita. She turned to Nepeta. “Hey Nep?”

Nepeta sighed, turning her head to look despairingly at Roxy “Yeah?”

Roxy downed the last of her drink, a determined look shining in her pink eyes. “Think it’s time for some meddling?”

Nepeta grinned. “Oh…” Her grin widened even further “What did mew have in mind?”

  
  


Kanaya sat in her quarters, unfortunately awake at 2am, one lamp on as to not disturb Rose. She stared at the bouquet Karkat had thrown when he had returned from the crocodile planet. She bit her lip, Rose’s teasing words running through her mind “Oh my…You caught the bouquet… you know what that means…”

Kanaya had sketched the bouquet, meticulously counted the petals, she even brought a sample back to her lab and tested the fundamental composition of the plant.

She still had no idea what it meant.

She had dreamt of being swallowed whole by giant red flowers, bolting upright in bed and gasping for air. Rose next to her had fluttered her lashes and turned away, murmuring in her sleep. Kanaya had ordered sopor patches from the medical officer to allow her to sleep without her recuperacoon, and while the patches did allow her to relax somewhat, they certainly were not the same as the truly mind numbing effect of being completely submerged in sopor that made plant based nightmares like the one she had an impossibility.

Kanaya groaned and rubbed at her eyes. She wasn’t going to get anywhere by just staring at the thing. She fixed her hair with a clawed hand, picking up her uniform from where it had been carelessly tossed to the floor during last night’s...ahem… activities. She pressed one last kiss to a sleeping Rose’s head before heading out the door. 

Usually the human Kanaya would go to for advice and explanations of human matters would have been Rose, but she didn’t quite want to admit her ignorance in the meaning of the flowers. 

So she went to the next best thing.

  
  


Kanaya knocked gently on the door, quick checking herself to make sure that she was at least somewhat presentable.

Roxy swung open the door, her blonde hair mussed, her eyes glazed and an empty martini glass in her hand. Kanaya had been informed about human twins, how technically Rose and Roxy had the same DNA, and just how that had happened… However, she couldn’t help but be struck every time she saw Roxy, just how similar, and yet dissimilar, she was to Rose.

Roxy looked blearily up at Kanaya, her pink eyes widening “Kanaya? What’s up? It’s like…” She glanced back into the room, Nepeta was fast asleep face down on Roxy’s rug, snoring drunkenly next to an overturned cup of hot cocoa. There was a whiteboard set up with the heading “SUPER ROMANCE MEDDLE FUN TIME!! HOW TO MAKE DIRK AND EQUIUS FRIGGIN KISS!!!!” there was then a scribbly drawing of Dirk and Equius messily kissing, their tongues slathering about each other’s faces. Underneath the drawing it was written “CHALLENGE: BOTH ARE SO FUCKING STUPID WHEN IT COMES TO ROMANCE” in bright red marker. 

Roxy squinted at the cat clock on the wall, the tail wagging back and forth “...like...butts-o-clock at night…”

Kanaya immediately regretted her decision to come to Roxy.  “I uh…” Kanaya peered past Roxy to the unconscious Nepeta with mild concern “...I’m sorry to disturb you… is this a bad time?”

Roxy waved away her concern “Lol no. I was awake anyways.” She made a couple of karate chops in the air “Me and Nepeta were just planning out some heckin’ rad- ass romantic meddling shenanigans.”

Kanaya couldn’t help but stare at the crude drawings of Dirk and Equius. “I can...see that…”

Roxy waved her inside “So come in! Come in! Take a load off! Me casa es su casa and, like, whatevers.”

Kanaya stepped delicately over multiple cat plushies, game consoles and circuit boards that littered the floor. She made her way to a desk chair and gently cleared off a pile of paper and a very large pink plushie from the seat before sitting down.

Roxy jumped into the desk chair across from her, letting it spin around and around before facing Kanaya with a grin “So what’s up?” She picked up one of the many stray half-full gatorades  from the floor and began to sip.

Kanaya bit her lip, looking down at her feet for a moment. “I uh… I need to know... uh…” She rubbed the back of her neck “...What does catching a bouquet mean...exactly?”

Roxy spat out her gatorade, looking up at Kanaya with awe “WAIT WHAT?” She grinned, throwing away the gatorade bottle to the corner of the room “WHO WAS CATCHING BOUQUETS? WHEN WERE YOU CATCHING BOUQUETS? WHO CAUGHT THE BOUQUET AND-”

Kanaya stared off where the half full bottle had been flung, presumably making a sticky stain somewhere, with a wince “Uh… it was after Karkat was brought back from the planet where he was being forced to marry the little alien prince, he flung the bouquet in rage and I caught it.”

Roxy gasped, slapping a hand to each cheek “Oh my gosh! You caught the bouquet?”

Kanaya sighed “Yes! But what does that MEAN?”

Roxy blinked, her eyes widening a bit “oh… you’re an alien…”

Kanaya threw up her hands “YES. YES I AM.”

Roxy shrugged “You know how John and Rose were married?”

Kanaya paused, turning back to Roxy curiously. “Yes?”

“Well a marriage is performed with a ceremony. One person walks down the aisle, vows are said, yadda yadda.” Roxy took a Hello Kitty ring from her desk and slipped it on her finger “Then both parties exchange rings and and at the end the bride throws her bouquet into the crowd. A bouquet, especially a bouquet of roses-”

Kanaya gave her an odd look.

Roxy waved a hand “Rose is named after a plant. A plant particularly known for romance.”

Kanaya thought hard for a moment. “Oh… the thorned ones with the red blooms? I hadn’t ever heard it pronounced out loud before, I’m ashamed to say I’ve been pronouncing them as Rhos-ehys…”

Roxy giggled “Anyways, bouquets are a major romance thing and it’s an omen that whoever catches the bouquet used in the marriage ceremony will get married next.”

Kanaya froze, her green eyes wide. “...oh…”

Roxy waved her hands “Woah, woah, don’t feel like you HAVE to get married! It’s not like...a LAW or anything…”

Kanaya frowned “I uh… that’s a relief… or at least I think so but…” Kanaya huffed and bit her lip “My knowledge of marriage is… somewhat limited…”

Roxy hummed, her brows furrowing in thought. Like this, her eyes dark and serious, she looked almost exactly like Rose. “Well the ceremony has a bit of a rough history…” Roxy winced “There was a time on our planet when females like Rose and myself were unfortunately considered to be only half sentient property. Marriage then was more about an exchange of property to continue a family line, brides were exchanged for dowry money and all around it was a pretty awful situation.”

Kanaya’s lips thinned.

“BUT!” Roxy threw up her hands “ehehe...butt… anyways.” She shook her head “The ceremony instead has grown to be a mutual declaration of lasting love. It’s like saying, yeah, this person right here is the person that I want to spend the rest of my life with.”

Kanaya smiled slightly before her expression fell “But Rose and John-”

Roxy sighed “Yeah… marriage used to be a permanent thing, and Rose and John really do care about each other, but that marriage was a mistake, I’m just glad that both of them were able to admit it and be mature about it, which is more than I can say about a lot of people who divorce.” Roxy shrugged “Most of the time though? Lifetime decision. Death do us part type thing.”

Kanaya folded her hands together, looking down at them, deep in thought.

Roxy considered Kanaya, a slow cunning smile spreading across her face. She twisted a lock of blonde hair around a finger, looking away and doing her best to act unconcerned “Yup. The ultimate expression of true love… you would propose marriage by getting down on one knee and presenting a ring as a symbol of their love and dedication.”

Kanaya looked at her curiously, the gears beginning to turn behind her green eyes.

“ANYWAYS!” Roxy stood up from her chair and skipped over to the whiteboard “I have to get back to my romantic meddling.” She took the whiteboard marker and underlined Equius’s name. She tapped the marker to her lip in thought “I wonder if I can use Equius’s metal forging skills in a romantic way…” she shrugged “hmmmm….”

Kanaya’s eyes widened and she quickly stood up from her chair “I uh… thank you for your time…” She eyed the door, her brows furrowed in thought “I should go…”

Roxy grinned, waving her off “Lol ok bye!”

Kanaya jogged out of the room, a determined look in her green eyes. Roxy smirked when she noticed the direction Kanaya was heading.

Nepeta snorted awake, her face covered in chocolate and her hair messy around her face “W-what was that?”

Roxy’s smirk grew. She sat back down, crossing her ankles delicately and steepling her fingers. “I believe that was the first phase of super romance meddle fun time.”  she drummed her fingers together “Now onto phase 2…”

  
  


Jade watched Kanaya power walk past her office just past 2 am with a look of grim determination on her face.  She was about to ask her what was going on, when the computer in front of her beeped.

Jade leaned forward, numbers and figures reflecting across her glasses, her eyes widening with shock “Oh what the hell-”  
  


 

John was laying flat on his bed, drooling into a pillow and snoring quietly. The communicator on the side of his bed chimed to life.

“JOHN!”

John yelped, flailing upright and accidentally falling off the edge of the bed in a tangle of long limbs and blankets. John’s head peeked up over the edge of the bed and yawned, scrabbling for the communicator on the dresser.

“JOHN!” the voice on the other end of the communicator demanded. “JOHN? HELLO ARE YOU THERE?”

John sleepily pawed around for the communicator. He finally grasped the little thing and brought it close to his face. He had to squint to read the buttons this early in the morning without his glasses on, his tongue peeking out just a bit between his lips. He finally clicked the proper button to answer the call.

“Morning Jade!” John yawned and ran a hand through his hair, making what was already a bird’s nest even messier. “What’s up?”

Jade rolled her eyes where she sat in her office, taking a sip of coffee. She squinted at the monitors in front of her, making her already bright green eyes brighter, a chart of the space around them, lines of data scrolling across the screen. “We’re getting some really weird readings from the space around us.”

John squinted at his communicator. “You woke me up at…” He leaned in closer, the numbers slowly unblurring “3 am... because of weird readings?”

Jade huffed “Well they’re weird enough that I’m recommending that we stop the ship.”

John’s brows furrowed “Why do we have to stop the ship?”

Jade looked back to the graphs and charts in front of her, her brows furrowed and her mouth pinched. “We have to stop the ship or we’ll fly right into the taco.”

John paused. He opened his mouth, raised a finger and closed his mouth. “...yeah stop the ship…”

  
  
  


Equius was in the middle of a good and proper sulk, his face pressed into the keyboard of his computer with a groan. An untouched glass of milk next to him. 

He considered the Dirk problem. He wasn’t sure what he did wrong, he apologized for the bruises but Dirk just… Dirk just… he was growing farther and farther from Equius and he had no idea how to stop it. 

There was a knock on his door.

Equius rose from his seat with a sigh, rubbing away the imprint of the keys across his face. “DOESN’T ANYONE KNOW-” Equius bellowed as he thundered over to the door “THAT IT IS RUDE TO-”

Kanaya stood on the other side of the door, her arms crossed in front of her.

Equius’s brows furrowed. “...Miss Maryam?”

Kanaya looked up at him, raising her chin defiantly. “Mister Zahhak.”

Equius stared back at Kanaya, beginning to sweat. “....Miss….. Maryam?”

Kanaya sighed “Look. You don’t like me and I don’t like you-”

Equius frowned “...I have no particular opinion of you…Wait why would you....” He was trying to place why Kanaya would come to his door at 3am just to tell him that she didn’t like him and-

Oh no.

Equius grimaced. “Miss Kanaya, while I appreciate the gesture, I am afraid I am unable to reciprocate any black feelings you may be-”

Kanaya hissed, shaking her head vehemently and raising her hands “Nonononono. I’m afraid you’re misunderstanding me” she pointed a clawed finger at him and Equius awkwardly leaned away from her “You may be an overly muscled sweaty jerk who dresses like a typical fuckboy-”

Equius glowered down at her, his hands on his hips. “I do NOT dress like a fuckboy.” Equius actually had no idea what a fuckboy was, but he was fairly certain he wasn’t… whatever that was…

Kanaya gave him a blank look “You are, as we speak, wearing socks with sandals.”

Equius looked down at his feet. He was indeed wearing socks with sandals….What was wrong with socks and sandals? He looked back up at Kanaya, a tad confused. “....and?”

Kanaya sighed. “Regardless of your poor fashion choices…. “ Kanaya grimaced “I need your help.”

Equius’s mouth pinched “You came here at 3am to insult me… and then ask for my help?”

Kanaya smiled “No. I came here at 3am to insult you and propose a deal.”

Equius crossed his arms “Really. What in the heavens could you offer me?”

Kanaya hummed “You are having romantic problems with Rose’s brother are you not? The mechanic?”

Equius froze. “How did you-”

Kanaya looked down at her claws “What if I told you that I could help?”

Equius’s eyes widened.

Kanaya raised a claw “All I ask in return….” Kanaya’s eyes turned serious “Is a ring.”  
  
  


The order to stop the ship was issued. Crew members were roused from their sleep, they walked sleepily to the observation decks, their hair mussed and blankets around their shoulders, peering out expectantly into space and whispering among themselves. A tense sort of expectation among them as they looked out into the inky black but saw nothing out of the ordinary.

John knocked on Karkat’s door. It was just after 3am. Both he and Jade had tried to call him on his communicator but to no avail. “Karkat?” John knocked again “Karkat are you in there? There’s some captain shit we have to take care of!”

John pressed his ear to the door of Karkat’s cabin.

Nothing.

John sighed. He activated the holographic keypad on the door and began to punch in his executive code. Karkat was sure to be furious but well, it WAS an emergency. Or it wasn’t quite an emergency, hence why they chose not to engage the emergency lights but… it was certainly SOMETHING.

John stepped into Karkat’s suite, a clone of the set of rooms he and Casey shared. However there were some notable differences, there was a sizable amount of books that were scattered about the apartment, some open with their spines bent on the edge of the sofa. John snorted, Rose would have yelled at him for that and then bought him a crate of bookmarks. A pair of traditional Alternian metal sickles were on the coffee table next to a sharpening stone, apparently Karkat had been popped in a movie to watch while sharpening the blades.

John picked up one of the Alternian DVDs on the coffee table. Two trolls looked wistfully at each other where they stood on the deck of a boat. “IN WHICH A VIOLET BLOOD AND A SCRAPPY BUT ROGUISHLY HANDSOME GREEN BLOOD MEET ON A BOAT AND HAVE A PASSIONATE ALBEIT SHORT LIVED FLUSH AFFAIR THAT INCLUDES NUDE DRAWING, PRECIOUS GEMS, AND LEANING DANGEROUSLY AGAINST BOAT RAILINGS. THE BOAT SINKS AND EVERYONE BUT THE VIOLET BLOOD DIES.”

John shook his head. He never really got the Alternian movies Karkat insisted be shown on crew enrichment nights. All the trolls just stayed for the opening credits to read the title and then left. Apparently in troll society that is how it was traditionally done in theaters and then everyone would wait to watch the whole movie when it came out on the troll equivalent of DVD. Something about nobody trusting each other in a dark theater, and at least two people being stabbed per showing. It explains the titles at least.

He continued into the apartment, stepping over books, DVDs, blades and the occasional juggling pin. There was a quiet honk and John looked up to see Gamzee lounging in an open vent, looking down at John with a lazy smile.

“Oh!” John blinked and waved awkwardly to the troll. “Gamzee right?”

Gamzee’s lazy smile widened. “I ain’t givin the bird back.” He announced, resting his chin on a hand and he took a swig of Faygo. “No sir...ain’t givin the mother fuckin bird back.”

John’s brow furrowed “...What?” He had to think for a moment to when Gamzee was brought into his office as a stowaway. Him stealing the bobbing bird desk toy off his desk. “Oh!” he waved a hand “That’s ok. You can keep it.”

“Good.” Gamzee announced. “Cuz I ain’t giving it back.” And with that Gamzee slunk back into the vent, closing the grate behind him.

John stared back at where Gamzee had disappeared “Ok then…”

John continued on into the apartment. He opened the door to Karkat’s bedroom. The floor was littered with the same debris of romantic novels, DVDs and the occasional deadly weapon. A larger recuperacoon sat in the middle of the room.

John knew that recuperacoons were a thing, but he to this day, never really GOT them. Why would someone willingly sleep in slime? What if you accidentally slipped under the slime when you were asleep? Wouldn’t you drown? Wouldn’t it be sticky? Wouldn’t you get slime in weird places? How the hell would any of that be comfortable?

John crossed over to the recuperacoon. It was a greenish, vaguely lumpy pod. One particular problem presented itself.

There didn’t seem to be any particular way to open the pod from the outside.

John supposed that made sense in a weird way, when you considered how violent troll culture used to be, but Karkat was needed on the bridge. John kneeled down next to the pod and pressed his ear to the side of the squishy green wall. If he concentrated he could hear a faint bubbling snoring.

John stood up, rolled up his sleeves and-

“KARKAT!” John put both hands on the top of the recuperacoon and shook the pod as hard as he could “WAKE THE FUCK UP KARKAT”

Karkat, having been up to this point sleeping peacefully half submerged in sopor, was rudely shaken awake, sloshing into one side of the recuperacoon and then the other, pinballing violently around like a marble in a pudding cup.

Karkat screamed, throwing open the hatch of the recuperacoon. John barely had time to duck back as Karkat slashed his claws through the air “WHAT? WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU-” 

John smiled, his hands on his hips. “We’re needed on the bridge.”

Karkat blinked lazily, one side of his head was completely slick with sopor, the other side was stiff with rough peaks where the sopor had dried during the night. “John?” Karkat slurred his words “What the fuck are you-” He threw up his hands “IT IS ASS- O- CLOCK AT NIGHT! WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU-”

John put up his hands “It’s an emergency! Or-” He grimaced “Well not an emergency but uh… it’s a thing.”

Karkat gave John a blank look “A thing?”

John sighed “...It uh… it sure is…” He waved vaguely to Karkat “So come on, get out and we’ll see what has to be done about it.”

Karkat’s lips thinned “yeah uh… can you leave?”

John’s nose wrinkled and he threw up a hand “No you’re not going back to bed! This may not be an emergency but it could have that potential.”

Karkat hunched down in the recuperacoon. “FOR FUCKS SAKE JOHN AT LEAST TURN AROUND!”

John raised a brow “What? Why?”

Karkat ran a hand down his face and groaned. “I SLEEP IN THE NUDE, ASSHOLE.”

John’s eyes widened, a blush coming to his cheeks “What? Why would y-”

Karkat hugged his thin shoulders and glowered at John “Sopor stains fabric unless you get special liquid-proof pajamas!”

John rolled his eyes “God you’re so cheap.”

Karkat growled “JUST TURN AROUND!”

John obediently turned around, trying to ignore the sound of Karkat sloshing over to the side of the recuperacoon and cursing slightly as he stepped out. John took the robe hanging next to Karkat’s recuperacoon and handed it to him behind his back.

Karkat mumbled a thank you and tugged it from John’s hand.

John cleared his throat. “So are you decent?”

“I’m never decent.” Karkat tied closed the robe “but at least I’m not nude anymore.”

John ventured a look back at Karkat. Karkat yawned and scratched a clawed hand through his hair, grimacing at the stiff peaks of dried sopor on one side. John huffed out a laugh under his breath, Karkat was… weirdly endearing and John had a sudden urge to help Karkat with his hair, help him wash out the sopor, Karkat sleepy as he rinsed out the soap and pressed a kiss to his forehead and-

John shook his head. That was a weird thought.

Karkat had trodded over to the bathroom sleepily, dunking his head under the faucet in the sink  and doing his best to rinse out the sopor. “So what the fuck.” Karkat tugged roughly at his hair in a way that made John wince “Was so important that you had to come and get me?”

“Well uh-”

Karkat closed the bathroom door. “Keep going.” He announced from the other side “I can still hear you.”

John watched the light under the door, the change in light as Karkat dropped his robe and began to dress “Jade was monitoring the space around the ship and found something unusual, so unusual in fact that she needs our input on what our next move should be.”

“Uh huh.” Karkat answered from the other side of the door.

“In short.” John shrugged “We have to see a lady about a taco.”

Karkat flung open the door of the bathroom, zipping up his uniform. His wet hair was already beginning to spring back to life. “A FUCKING WHAT?”

John stared back at him. “A giant… space… taco…”

Karkat glowered at John, sputtering for a moment. He threw up his hands. He sighed and ran a clawed hand across his face. “You know what… space is already so fucking weird that this might as well just happen.” He began to stalk past John “Fucking let’s go see a lady about a taco.”  
  


 

Jade stood on her desk chair, a flat tortilla in the palm of her hand. “So this is the fabric of the known universe.”

Karkat glowered at the tortilla. “...ok..”

Jade waved her hand over the flat tortilla. She picked up a bean from her desk and put it on top of the tortilla, moving it from side to side. “Our ship travels across the tortilla in straight defined lines.” She glared out at John and Karkat “We use our instrumentation to measure the space around us, calculate where we’re going and how long it’s supposed to take us.”

John stared at the little bean perplexed. “Uh… and the problem is?”

Jade held the tortilla in front of both of their faces “THIS NICE FLAT TORTILLA IS NOT WHAT WE’RE WORKING WITH HERE!” Jade held the tortilla in front of them, her eyes serious behind her glasses “Instead fixed points that should logically be thousands of miles away are close together, flows of energy are disrupted in such a way that I can only conclude that-” She slowly folded the tortilla in front of them. “Space taco.” she whispered.

John nodded, his eyes serious. “Space taco.”

Karkat eyed the folded tortilla in Jade’s hands “How would something like this occur?”

Jade sighed “That’s just the thing. This absolutely should NOT be able to happen naturally. It would take a huge amount of power not only to make this but to maintain it.” 

John’s brows furrowed “So something or something is making the taco on purpose, and they’re going through a lot of trouble to do it.”

Jade nodded seriously, holding the tortilla in front of her for emphasis “Something is in this taco guys. Something big.”

 

 

John and Karkat marched to the bridge. Crew members that had been awoken early, blankets around their shoulders and slippers on their feet paused where they had been watching the space around the ship nervously, peering at John and Karkat with worried eyes.

John and Karkat stood side-by-side on the bridge.

“Are you sure we should do this?” Karkat asked quietly “Whatever is in there probably won’t appreciate being found.”

John glared at the space in front of the ship “Well we wouldn’t be much of explorers if we didn’t explore, however-” He nodded to a couple of trolls and humans working on the bridge “I want defensive systems on standby, we should also be ready to make a quick escape if we need to.”

“Aye aye captain.”

John touched his com line “Dirk, Equius, are you there?”

Dirk touched his own com “Just me sir.” He looked around the empty hangar and sighed.

John hummed “Well… that’s not like him.”

Dirk sighed, his mouth thinned to a harsh line. Where WAS Equius? “I know.”

John shook his head “Regardless, I want drones exploring the area in front of the ship. Two clicks out.”

Dirk ran his finger across his tablet, activating Felicia drones 22-32. The docking stations housing the drones slid closed before the bottoms of the stations opened out into long chutes, the Felicias being propelled into space. “What’s out there?”

John shook his head, staring hard into space and despite himself seeing nothing. “I don’t know… I just don’t know…”  
  


 

The drones flew out into the space in front of their ship, their scanners raking the seemingly empty area. Crew members watched the drones advance, holding their breaths and wrapping their blankets tighter around their shoulders.

John and Karkat watched the drones advanced from where they stood on the bridge, a map to the side showing the ten dots of the Felicia drones advancing towards the anomaly. Another live feed on a monitor showed the ten camera feeds from each drone. The drones got closer… and closer… just barely brushing the anomaly and-

In front of them there was ten identical flashes of light, rainbow tinged and pulsing before each drone disappeared from in front of them. The crew members on the lower observation decks gasped.

Karkat turned to the other monitor “ENLARGE THE LIVE CAMERA STREAMS FROM THE DRONES.”

The live feeds from the Felicia drones were enlarged, each camera whited out by a pulsating white light until-

The world in front of the drones suddenly opened up into a new world of motion and colors. Thousands of ships streamed through the area, some silver streaks, mirrored and polished like schools of fish. Some ships seemed grown from some sort of plant material, glowing amber from within as vine-like tendrils sought out one of the many platforms to land on. Other ships were blocky and grey, strange sigils plastered against their signs like a warning, other ships seemed sharp and hawkish, folding their many jointed wings like a vulture about to roost.

In the center of the pocket dimension an enormous structure loomed above the Starship Skaia. The station was mismatched in design and structure, a conglomeration of many thousands of building styles, some smooth and utilitarian, others swirling with complicated filigree, others seeming to grow by themselves like massive purplish mushrooms lit from within by pale lilac light. It was massive, it was ancient, and it was poorly planned out. There was hasty extension piled on hasty extension. A patchwork monstrosity of at least a thousand worlds.

John exhaled a breath he didn’t even know he was holding, the lights of the station reflecting off his glasses. 

Jade’s eyes widened where she was watching the stream from the science sector. “We- we’ve found more space faring species!”

Karkat glowered at the ships passing the Felicia drones “Cygrions, Delnurians, Todurans, Helden, Barqueshk, Karinga, Jik, Marqiskikan…” He shook his head “None of these species are supposed to be-”

John grinned, not listening to Karkat “-This is- this is fantastic! Other species with ships!!” he squinted at the live feed “Wait. Felicia 26, inspect the platform on your starboard side…”

Felicia 26 booped an affirmative. She launched herself through the area, landing briefly on one of the grey and red hawkish-looking ships, her bug-like legs scratching against the surface. A couple of creatures came to the window, tall and insectoid with jagged plating running across their faces, down their backs and along their many arms. They clacked thick beetle-like mandibles and shook their many fists at the robot, gesturing despairingly to the scratches in the paintjob of their ship.

Felica 26 booped apologetically as the aliens continued to shake their bug-like paws at her. She landed delicately on the platform. The platformed seemed to be cut from a meteorite, the bottom outfitted with multiple engines of sorts, pulsating a gentle blue and keeping the platform rightside up and in the same approximate place. The top part of the meteorite was sanded smooth, a deep well carved into the center, electronic pulses flowing through the well and into a mass of beige liquid. The liquid rose up from the platform, changing shapes in a dizzying, palpitating way.

John and Karkat stared at the shaking and shivering liquid. Jade inched closer to her own monitor, adjusting her glasses. Dirk followed the progress his drones were making, his brows furrowed as he watched the stream from the hangar.

John tried to follow the movement of the liquid, his eyes began to water. The shape blurred and contorted the colors at the edge of his vision saturating and desaturating. He looked down at his hands, his brain seeming to detatch from the rest of his existence on a cloud of static. Something sharp suddenly wedged itself into his mind. He doubled forward and screamed, vomiting messily onto the floor.

Karkat next to him could feel the tingle of electricity across his horns, across his fingertips, static working it’s way through his eyes. He clapped a hand on either horn and tried to will away whatever was trying to worm its way through “SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP!”

Dirk threw away his tablet but it was too late, colors swirled across his vision, he could taste the oversaturation of color in the air, sharp and acidic, pine and lemon solidified into cold icicles, shoving their way down his throat. He panicked, tearing off his glasses, his pupils blown. “EQUIUS!” He yelped desperately before he collapsed onto the floor.

Jade could feel every strand of her hair across her shoulders, the brush of her own clothes against her skin, the feeling of her tongue in her mouth, the flow of the very air around her. Something wormed across her skin, wet and scaly, or was it dry and rough? It was the dry brush of sandpaper, the feeling of running your thumb across the bristles of a toothbrush, the feeling of water through your hair, the feeling of a bug making their way across your skin. It was every feeling Jade had ever felt and it was all THERE and yet not there. Jade tore at her hair “GET IT OFF GET IT OFF GET IT OFF!”

The crew on the bridge who had been watching the stream screamed and fell from their seats, troll and human alike. 

“I’M ON FIRE!”

“IT’S SO LOUD!”

“IT SMELLS LIKE CABBAGE!”

“IT’S IN MY BONES! IT’S IN MY BONES!”

The world coalesced and expanded, stretching the limits of sensation and consciousness, sensations and experiences never meant to be experienced by human or troll minds. 

Then as suddenly as it had come…

It was gone…

John rose shakily to his feet, wincing down at the puddle of vomit he had left on the floor. “K-Karkat?” He coughed, his vision still blurring in and out “Karkat are you ok?”

Karkat nodded shakily, his horns still tingling obstinately “That was…” Karkat hissed and shook his head “WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT.”

Dirk pulled himself up using one of the work tables, breathing heavily as he scrubbed a hand across his face and groaned.

Jade shivered in her office. She patted down her arms and put her hair up into a ponytail so she wouldn’t feel the strands on her shoulders “Ew. ew. Ew.” She ventured a glance at her tablet again and her eyes widened. “GUYS! LOOK AT THE THING!”

The crew members on the bridge were all beginning to recover as well, straightening up from where they had been sprawled on the floor or curled into fetal positions. They slowly came to term with the fact that they weren’t on fire, that the world didn’t suddenly smell like rotten cabbage, that there was now only silence and the haggard breathing of their coworkers.

Another troll vomited onto the floor.

John ventured a look at the monitor. “What the...HOW?”

On the monitor, where the beige liquid used to be there was now a simple sign, plastic and lit up from within by halogen bulbs. The sign read “GALAXY COSTCO” and below that in smaller script was “WHERE ALL YOUR DREAMS COME TRUE! GOT A DEAL FOR YOU!”

John stared. He touched his com link. “Hey Jade…”

Jade smiled at her own monitor. “Yeah John.”

John grimaced that the plastic costco sign that he SWORE used to be in his hometown next to the home depot “Yeah… what the fuck?”

Jade laughed “I know right! How do they know about Walmart?”

John shook his head “It’s so crazy how would t- Wait walmart?”

Jade nodded. She looked down at her own screen “Yeah it turned into a Walmart sign for me.” Jade read the sign in front of her “Galaxy Walmart. Save galaxy currency. Live better.”

John shook his head “It looks like a costco to me.”

Jade quirked her eyebrows up “Really? Huh. Ask Karkat what he sees”

John turned to Karkat, one brow quirked “Karkat what do you see?”

Karkat stared at the sign with disgust. “Ugh… The Condescension’s ration depot. Prices so low we’ll cull the manager.” Karkat glowered at the sign he saw, a neon twerking condescension next to the sign, smoking a cigar made from Alternian currency.

“I always liked the subjuggulator food eatery they had in the store.” another one of the trolls on the bridge announced almost nostalgically “Free squeaky highblood with every order of grub fries.”

Dirk squinted at his tablet. He touched his com link “...it looks like a piggly wiggly grocery store…”

Jade hummed, steepling her fingers “It must be psychic signage. That explains what we were feeling before. It tried sending the information in every form of sensation until it found a way to get the message across for each one of us.”

John looked up at the costco sign. “...huh…”

Jade tapped a finger to her lips. “...So Jake was raised on an island… and Nepeta was raised in the Alternian wilderness…. What would they see?”  
  


 

Jake and Nepeta stood on the bridge. Jake shrugged vaguely “Any particular reason you brought me to see a beige lump?”

Nepeta shrugged as well “...just a beige lump...”

John looked up at the sign and laughed under his breath. “Well…” He pumped his fists into the air "WOO! LET'S GO TO COSTCO!" He ran out of the bridge and towards the hangar.

"Wait John-" Karkat tried to stop him but the excitable human was already gone. Karkat turned back to stare at the camera feeds from the Felicias. 

 

The ships of every high level planet Alternia had ever conquered bobbed through the pocket dimension of the galaxy Costco...

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! Let me know what you thought! I've been waiting to introduce the galaxy costco arc for a while now and I am so!!! PUMPED!!! I promise to have a lot of shenanigans and a lot of secrety secrets!!! all within the- 
> 
> GALAXY COSTCO!!!!
> 
> DUN DUN DUUUUUNNNN!!!!
> 
> But for reals! Let me know what you think! We'll have this arc, another small arc and then we're at the STARSHIP SKAIA FINALE!!! SECRETS!! WILL BE!!! REVEALED!!!
> 
> Also if you aren't familiar with the other parts of this series I'm going to be tying everything together soon. I can't wait for you all to see what I have planned!


	23. GALAXY COSTCO WHERE ALL YOUR DREAMS COME TRUE! GOTTA DEAL FOR YOU!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John is friendleader supreme and he uses his powers on gangs of blood thirsty aliens. Kanaya and Equius complete their deal and a plan is set into motion, though Equius should probably use another book. Tavros gets accidentally employed. That poor Otter alien. Vriska why? Why do you do this to us Vriska? Jade finds a treasure deep in the Galaxy Costco, one that she refuses to leave without, but what price will she pay? Dirk has to defend his robot's honor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! It's another chapter of everyone's favorite nerds in space! We have a lot to get through in the Galaxy Costco chapters so this one will probably be a two or three part adventure! A lot of stuff happens in this chapter and I hope that you enjoy it!

The Starship Skaia floated through the folded space of the Galaxy Costco. An anomaly of proper space-time physics that had no right to exist and had managed to sprout an unholy big box convenience mart. The space station loomed before them, a hasty patchwork monstrosity, the combined work of thousands of species, remarkably, not a single one of whom knew what the fuck they were doing.

John grinned up at the space station, pale lilac light from a fungus-like section of the base shining in his eyes, turning them feral bright. He turned to Karkat, his grin spreading wider. “We have to stop in.”

Karkat was watching the ships around the base with a growing sense of horror deep in his gut, waiting for the moment any of the other species chose to attack. He turned to John, a near panicked look in his eyes. “Are you KIDDING ME?” Karkat motioned angrily to the other ships that were bobbing through the space, landing on various docks on the space station or flying away. “See those ships John?”

John blinked, turning to look back out at the ships around the station. “Yeah…” He pointed at a particularly blocky grey ship “That one looks like a toaster.”

Karkat growled, grabbing John by the chin and forcefully turning his head to look at him. “YES.” Karkat screamed, frothing with fury “YES IT DOES LOOK LIKE A TOASTER BUT THAT’S NOT WHAT THE PROBLEM IS HERE!” Karkat released John’s face and turned away sharply on a heel, pinching the bridge of his nose irritably.

John rubbed his jaw, peering at Karkat curiously. “So…” He ventured “What’s the problem?”

Karkat rubbed a thumb over his bottom lip, his brows furrowed in thought. “John…” He turned to look at him, his shoulders a tense line “All the species here are from planets that the Alternian empire has colonized.”

John shrugged, rubbing the back of his neck awkwardly “Hasn’t princess Feferi...uh…”

Karkat rolled his eyes. “What do you think? That Alternia suddenly freeing all the planets they had enslaved over an ancient, brutal reign of terror, magically solved everything?” He bit his lip, his brows furrowed “The Alternian empire was a bloody regime that cut mercilessly through galaxy after galaxy for thousands of years.” Karkat wrapped his arms around his middle. “I grew up in the old regime and it… wasn’t a good place. I was about ready for conscription when Fef took on the empress and won. I know she’s trying to be kinder to the colonies, but she’s barely keeping the home planet together, much less the colonies.”

John looked thoughtfully out at the Galaxy Costco. “Maybe this can sort of be… a new debut? A fresh start.”

Karkat arched a brow “A what?”

John shrugged, a small smile on his face. “We can go in, show that trolls have turned over a new leaf! Plus it’s not like you’ll be alone!” he put a hand to his chest “The humans can vouch for you guys!”

Karkat shook his head “Look John, why don’t you just send humans out? This will be your species’s first interaction with advanced species who aren’t trolls, you should have it be something that’s not…” He grimaced, his pointed ears flicking down for a moment “...tainted with old imperialistic baggage.”

John shook his head “Nope. Trolls and humans.” He grinned, smacking a fist into a palm with determination “Think of it as a goodwill mission!”

Karkat huffed “John… it’s not going to-”

John shrugged “Well like you said, thousands of years are not going to be forgiven overnight, but if people don’t see the Alternians at least TRYING then it’s NEVER going to happen, is it?”

Karkat looked at John warily, his slitted eyes trailing over John’s face.

John smiled, reaching out a hand “If anything happens we’ll leave, ok?”

Karkat sighed. He paused for a long moment, worrying his bottom lip between his teeth “We show up, we don’t cause any problems, and then we leave.”

John nodded “Simple as that!”  
  


 

John stood at the bridge, watching the Starship slowly bob towards the Galaxy Costco space station. Statuesque and confident, the glow of starship engines in his eyes, a leader bringing a plan together.

He turned to one of the crew members on the bridge, a green blooded troll who quickly tabbed out of the page of anime he had been watching once he realized his captain was looking at him. He coughed awkwardly, trying to seem as innocent as possible.

“lieutenant Keruni.” John addressed the troll “Open a hailing frequency and contact the space station.”

The troll looked to his station. “....what?”

John’s composure broke, his brows furrowing with confusion. “What do you mean WHAT?” He motioned dismissively at the computer “You know do the thing with the computer, so we can talk to the people at the place.”

The troll grimaced “We uh… so far we’ve been dealing with species who haven’t been that advanced…”

John gave him a look. “Yeah but THESE-” He motioned angrily out the window “THESE SPECIES ARE SO-”

The green blood grimaced. “Look it’s not like how it is on human TV! The communications relays are made for contacting others of a similar fleet. Interstellar communication is difficult and none of these species even use the same METHOD of information transfer, much less be on similar frequencies. The troll empire wasn’t ever really concerned with talking to and making nice with other species, it was more about uh… killing on sight?” He brightened up and snapped, pointing a finger gun at John “I could contact the troll fleet for you! Would that help?”

“NO.” John threw down his hands “NO IT WOULDN’T HELP. THAT’S NOT GOING TO HELP AT ALL!” He huffed “They got information to us, can’t we just….reverse that?”

The troll squinted at him, his nose wrinkling. “That’s not how this works...that’s not how any of this works, what did you expect? Star Trek?!”

John put his hands on his hips, glowering down at the crew member. “Says the guy who was watching Naruto on the monitors and thinking nobody was noticing.” He squinted angrily and pointed at his underling. “Which by the way, Asuma dies and Madara is behind the war! SO TAKE THAT!”

Karkat and three other trolls groaned and threw their hands up into the air.

“WHAT?!” Karkat hissed

“I WASN’T TO THAT EPISODE YET!” A blue blood rose from their seat and promptly kicked it over in rage.

“SPOILERS? NOT COOL!” a Yellow blood who was supposed to be monitoring the electromagnetic fields around the ship angrily tabbed out of the page of anime they also had been watching.

John threw up his hands “What? That anime is so old. It’s like getting mad when you tell people that Snape kills Dumbledore!”

There was another even angrier collective roar among the trolls on the bridge.

“NO! I WAS ON BOOK TWO!”

“SNAPE WHY??!”

Karkat put a hand over John’s mouth. “IT TAKES A WHILE FOR EARTH MEDIA TO GET TO ALTERNIA OK!”

John rolled his eyes and licked a broad stripe across Karkat’s hand where it covered his mouth.

Karkat ripped his hand away. “SERIOUSLY?” He growled and wiped his hand on his uniform leg “YOU ARE AN ABSOLUTE WRIGGLER!”

John glared at Karkat for a moment before giving up. He leaned back and sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose. “Ok so maybe we got a little carried away there.” He turned to the green-blooded communications officer. “I’m sorry I told you how Dumbledore dies, but now we have to focus on the mission.”

The trolls on the bridge sighed, still despondent from the news about Dumbledore, but going back to their stations regardless.

John turned to look out the window, giving the many different kinds of spaceships a thoughtful look. “...We know that this space station has the capabilities to hijack our own systems in order to send us a message, and based on how they sent it we know that they are equipped to deal with a lot of different types of species, all of whom used to be controlled under the Alternian empire…”

Karkat, who was still reeling from Dumbledore’s death at the hands of Snape, turned to look at John “So you’re saying that odds are one of these species are using something like modified Alternian tech?”

John shrugged “Either that, or us poking around will get them to contact us again.”

The communications officer shrugged, flicking a few switches and powering something on “It’s worth a try at least…”

John and Karkat watched eagerly as the communications officer slipped on a pair of headphones, their brows furrowed in concentration as they toggled through the frequencies. “This is the Starship Skaia requesting to board, please respond.” Click “This is the Starship Skaia requesting permission to board, please respond.” click “This is the Starship Skaia requesting to board, please respond.”

Suddenly the communication’s officer hissed loudly, throwing off his headphones, a high pitched squeal feeding through the open communications line loud enough for the rest of the bridge to wince. Something sparked across the monitor on the bridge, intermittent sparks of color flashing across the screen before being replaced with a solid wall of static. Grainy footage began to play on screen, the colors just a bit distorted. Music began to blare through the speakers, the sort of off-key upbeat jangle that could get stuck in your head for days. The lyrics didn’t seem to be sung, but rather appear in your head as if completely of their own volition, twisting through your thoughts and arranging themselves into patterns based on the listener’s own experiences and tastes.

{GALAXY COSTCO!

                     ~*~ WHERE

                                          ALL

                                                       YOUR

**-DREAMS-**

                                                                                         COME TRUE! ~*~

 

 **GOT A DEAL FOR YOU!** }

 

An animation of something tiny and fuzzy with four arms and large sparkly eyes waved from on screen. “Hello travelers!” The animated mascot gushed “I’m Fleeb! The Galaxy [COSTCO] mascot!”

The word “Costco” seemed disjointed from the rest of the audio, an awkward pause before a deeper voice stated the word, like a bad dub on a television movie over a swear word.

“I see that you are requesting to board The Galaxy [COSTCO]!” The little creature grinned “Well welcome aboard friends!” There was a bad sparkly panning effect like a 90s PSA before footage of what seemed to be a much smaller version of the Galaxy Costco was shown on screen, a less ugly top spinning through space “The Galaxy [COSTCO] was created from the alliance of peoples displaced by the BRUTAL REIGN OF TERROR of the Alternian empire!” The little creature giggled, slapping four animated paws to their cheeks in an almost disgustingly cute gesture.

With another sparkling panning effect and what sounded like the tinkle of an alien glockenspiel, an illustration of a large bug-like creature was shown on screen, screaming with their jagged mandibles open, next to them an illustration of a blue-skinned being with long eyestalks showed on the other side of the screen, their body language equally as aggressive. “Remember! The Galaxy [COSTCO] is neutral territory! So leave your millenia old blood feuds at the door!” A large red X flashed across the screen.

The little mascot waved their four arms, glitter effects spilling over the screen like stars “So welcome to The Galaxy [COSTCO] please proceed to the hangar marked on the map!” a picture of the current base showed on the screen, one of the purple fungus-like outcroppings highlighted for the viewer with a little “ding” sound effect. “And while you’re here, Darushkan marg-pies are now two for one! So stop buy The Galaxy [COSTCO] deli while they’re still as cold as the void they were dredged from! Thank you for making The Galaxy [COSTCO] the number one outpost hidden from imperialist rule! We appreciate your business!”

John and Karkat exchanged a look.

Karkat sighed, his shoulders drooping. “Well fuck, this is happening isn’t it?”

John smiled, he looked over at the crew on the bridge. “Head for that outcropping, half a click starboard.” He turned to Karkat and shrugged “It will be fine.” He put a comforting hand on his shoulder “Have I ever steered you wrong?”

Karkat wisely chose not to answer, only watched as the space station loomed ever closer.  
  


 

The Starship Skaia maneuvered to one of the pale lilac outcroppings, the fungus-like structure seemed to sense their approach, the fleshy substance thinning rapidly before opening from some hidden seam, like a demented flower separating into dripping pulsating petals.

The inside of the structure was a shocking acid green, tendrils separated from the mass, curling delicately in space and coaxing the spaceship deeper into the chasm. Once inside the outer door quickly squashed shut, organic vents sighing into the abscess as a sort of decompression chamber before an organic door opened on the other side, sliding wetly open like tongues.  Inside, docks were both arranged in rows and stacked one on top of each other, towering high above them and far below them. Metal plates were stuck into the sides of the purple fleshy material, tendrils securing them in place in order to make places for ships to land. Each dock was teeming with a variety of ships, from tiny slips of metal that seemed to dart through the space like fish in a school, to ominous pitch black orbs that glided slowly through the space, like discontented killer whales, many of whom clearly outsized the Starship Skaia, dwarfing the normally large ship many times over.

John pointed to an empty dock “Set the ship down there.”

A crew member nodded, turning to their station “Yes sir.”

Karkat shook his head, throwing up a hand “What no, we can’t fit in that spot.”

John waved him off dismissively “Sure we can! Plus it’s closer to the door in!”

Karkat scoffed, snarling at John “We’ll get the paint job scratched!” He pointed to a farther off dock parking spot “Head to that dock over there.”

“Yes sir!” a second crew member nodded, immediately making adjustments to the ship’s trajectory.

John rolled his eyes “Oh come on!” He pointed to the first parking spot “I believe in us, plus we don’t want to have to walk that far when we come back.” He crossed his arms and gave Karkat a look “You’ll be carrying bags, and you’ll complain about how far away we are the entire time we’re walking back to the ship!.”

Karkat huffed, looking over a shoulder unamused at John “oh please. You’ll just back into that spot, scratch BOTH ships on either side, and act like you did a perfect job when you’re done.

The crewmembers were beginning to sweat, unsure of which captain to listen to. “Uh… sirs? A line is beginning to form around us…”

An alien ship passed them, something gelatinous with too many tentacles made what looked to be a rude gesture at them.

“OH YEAH?” Karkat yelled at the window “COME SAY THAT TO MY FACE YOU BULGE BITER! I’LL RIP OFF YOUR STUPID FUCKING TENTACLE ARMS AND FEED THEM TO YOU ONE BY FUCKING ONE!!”

John groaned, rolling his eyes “Oh fine, we’ll go to your parking spot. I’m not carrying your shopping bags for you though.”

Karkat raised his chin in defiance “You will and you’ll like it.” He turned to the crew on the bridge “Turn to port.”

The crew members obeyed, making minor adjustments at their stations.

Karkat squinted at the parking lot space, a hand up to direct the crew. “Slowly…” he whispered, his brows furrowed in concentration “slowly….”

The Starship backed slowly into the space, tiny blinkers on either side of the massive engine coming to life.

Karkat madea hand gesture, willing the crew members to pause “Ok, on my signal b-”

A blocky spaceship with obnoxious flame decals and what looked like the likeness of an alien in a bikini that was supposed to be sexy to some sort of bug-like species, sped around the Starship Skaia, the much smaller ship whizzing around the larger vehicle and parking in the center of the large docking space.

“OH COME ON!” Everyone in the control room yelled at once, throwing their hands up in the air.

“I SWEAR TO FUCK!” Karkat pressed his face against the glass of the window, glaring venomously down at the spindly bug-like alien that ambled out of the ship, it took a large swig of something in a can and used a claw to scratch its ass “THAT WAS OUR SPOT YOU SHITTY LITTLE-”

The bug-like thing chirped and clicked out something that sounded extremely rude and threw the now empty can at the ship, the little lime green piece of litter sounding against the hull.

“THAT’S IT.” Karkat screamed, pointing at the rebellious alien teenager with the pure vindictive rage than only an Alternian could muster “SET THE SHIP DOWN RIGHT ON TOP OF HIS ASS!”

John grabbed Karkat around his middle, pulling the rabid troll back from where he was beginning to scratch wildly against the window of the ship. “KARKAT NO!” John wheezed as Karkat elbowed him accidentally in the stomach “THIS IS A DIPLOMATIC MISSION!”

“FUCK DIPLOMACY!” Karkat screamed, watching with fury as the juvenile bug thing ambled away, completely unconcerned “I’LL TEAR HIS ANTENNA OFF AND SHOVE THEM STRAIGHT UP ITS ASS!”

John struggled to keep Karkat from scratching against the window, his glasses knocked askew as Karkat struggled wildly. “Take us to the other parking spot!”

Karkat didn’t seem to register this, still screaming at the bug alien who was still toodling through the lot towards the store. “DID YOU HEAR ME?” Karkat spat, a deep chittering growl from deep in his chest “SHOVE THOSE ANTENNA STRAIGHT UP YOUR FUCKING ASS!”

“Karkat no.” John grunted with the effort to keep the troll away from the window “WE’RE GOING TO THE OTHER SPOT!”

Karkat hissed, looking awkwardly back at John where the human was still holding him semi aloft “ARE YOU CRAZY? WE WON’T FIT YOU STUPID ASS MUNCHER!”

John squinted determinedly out the window of the Starship Skaia, the struggling Karkat still tucked awkwardly under one arm as John stood at the front of the ship. “Trust me. I’m an expert.”  
  


 

John stood at the front of the bridge, his brows furrowed in concentration. The Starship Skaia was poised over the parking spot like a fat cat over a tiny cardboard box.

“Gently now….” John grit his teeth, motioning for the crewmembers to go slowly “...ease it in…”

The crew on the bridge shared a quick worried look amongst themselves before moving to comply, easing the ship down as gently as they could. The massive bulk of the Starship Skaia looming over the dock like a storm cloud.  
  


 

A tiny otter-like alien was trundling through the dock lot, their webbed paws slapping against the metal. A large bag of what looked like groceries balanced on one tiny hip. They blinked owlishly, now where did they park their ship again? They patted their pants pockets awkwardly, as they were still holding their bag of groceries. They finally found their keys, taking them out and pressing the little button.

An adorable seafoam blue cruiser beeped cheerily, the gorgeous little thing was like a cross between a soap bubble and a 1957 Chevy Bel Air.

The otter alien chirped happily. Oh! There is their cruiser! They are so happy to be going home after a long day of shopping and OH MY GOSH WHAT IS THAT THING?

A large white ship loomed over the parking space next to the otter alien’s ship, like an egg over a pencil eraser. It’s not going to fit! IT’S NOT GOING TO FIT!! THEY’RE GOING TO SQUISH HIS SHIP!!!

The otter alien gasped, dropping their bag of groceries, their fuzzy paws slapping to their chubby cheeks in shock. They began to run hurriedly to their ship. “CHAREEP!” They chirruped, trying to stop the ship from lowering “CHAREEP! CHAREEP!”

  


They ran to their cruiser, clambering to the top and waving their paws frantically at the ship. “CHAREEP! CHAREEP! CHAREEP!”

The ship didn’t seem to see him. The otter alien squeaked in worry, hugging their tail to their chest as they whimpered. Maybe they could get in their cruiser and move it before it was squished by the giant white monstrosity! The alien went to get their keys and-

They patted their pockets frantically, where did they-

They looked at where their bag of groceries were tossed, the glint of their keys shining against the fresh barush fruit they had bought. They squeaked, their little paws to their cheeks. Oh no! There wasn’t enough time to get them now! They frantically pulled against the handle of their cruiser door, scrabbling to the other side to pull on that door as well.

The big ship was still coming!!! AHHH!!!

The otter alien scrambled away from his cruiser, looking back once, tears in his large eyes at the vehicle that was surely going to be squished into a fine paste! What was he going to tell his mate?

  


They dived under the next ship over, watching with horror in their eyes as the ship lowered to the parking space and-

He put his paws over his eyes! It was too terrible! He couldn’t look!

….Parked successfully next to the otter alien’s cruiser. It was indeed like balancing an egg on a pencil eraser, the bulky ship perfectly lowered into the tiny space.

The otter alien put their paw to their chest where their hearts were hammering furiously in their ribcage. They chirped out a sigh of relief.

The ramp of the Starship Skaia slammed open, squishing the otter alien’s tiny cruiser. The lovely little vehicle giving a forlorn HONK before going offline.

“SQUEAK!” The otter alien put their paws to their chubby cheeks, absolutely horrified and aghast. A squeak of utter indignation.

 

John strode down the ramp of the Starship Skaia, his hands on his hips as he grinned, smug self satisfaction oozing off him in waves. “What did I tell you Karkat?” He made a smooth motion with a hand “FITS LIKE A GLOVE.”

Karkat rolled his eyes. “Oh whatever.”

  
  


The otter alien looked at the wreckage of their cruiser. Oh dear…

They glared at John and Karkat. Silently judging them, before sighing and taking out a communication device to call their insurance company.

  
  
  


John turned to address the group of trolls and humans that had gathered inside the ship at the mouth of the ramp, craning their necks curiously to get a better look at The Galaxy Costco. “Alright, me and Karkat are going to go ahead first as representatives, then if everything is ok we’re going to bring a delegation of trolls and humans. We obviously need some people to stay with the ship for security reasons-”

“Especially if you see a bug jackass with flame decals on their ship.” Karkat muttered, looking suspiciously through the parking, looking for a certain insectoid teenager who was going to get a piece of his mind.

John sighed “You’re not letting this one go are you?”

Karkat folded his arms defensively. “No. No I am not.”

John and Karkat walked down the ramp of the Starship Skaia, shoulder to shoulder. There were a few aliens milling in and out of The Galaxy Costco, pushing rounded bubble-like shopping carts or carrying bags. There was a collected hush when Karkat stepped off the ship and onto the main walkway, the crowd parted to the side, eyeing the troll warily. Some of the smaller aliens let out a terrified squeak, dropping their shopping bags and breaking out into a run, their paws waving frantically over their heads as they screamed tiny high-pitched screams.

John put up his hands, doing his best to seem open and friendly. “It’s ok! As cliche as it sounds...We come in peace!”

Karkat kept his chin up, keeping an eye on the multiple species that were glaring him down, his shoulders hunched defensively, expecting a blow any second. “John.” He hissed under his breath, watching something long and worm-like extend their teeth slowly. “This isn’t going to work.”

John kept his eyes on the aliens around them, something like a fat lump of bubble gum being carried by six mechanical spider legs growled and shook their dripping fist-like appendage at them, something that looked like a purple elongated chimpanzee with six arms gnashed their tusks and made a couple of angry sounding hoots.

John smiled at the group, waving in a friendly way. He bumped shoulders with Karkat, whispering under his breath. “It’s ok. We can do this. Just bullshit it.”

Karkat turned to John disbelievingly, near panic as he realized the thin veneer of John’s friendly idiocy was all that kept him from being torn apart by the angry aliens surrounding them. They were going to fucking die. That being said, if by some miracle they survived, Karkat was going to kill John himself for getting them into this mess. “Oh my god that’s what you’ve been doing this entire time, isn’t it?”

John took Karkat’s hand, leading the troll towards the sliding glass door of the Galaxy Costco. He smiled warmly at a creature that looked like a giant bird. The creature was taken off guard by the gesture and blushed, putting a wing-tip to their beak and letting out an embarrassed kazoo-like noise.

“I don’t know.” John whispered subtly back to Karkat “Usually I’m just friendly and ridiculous and it tends to work out for me.”

Of fucking course that’s how he does it! John was the kind of person who could just waltz into a bank, befriend the guards and convince them to help him take bags of cash to his car, then wave him off as he drove away. The universe was a different place for John, than it was for Karkat. The universe gave the bright eyed human everything he wanted with a fatherly pat to the head, meanwhile kicking Karkat squarely in the shame globes every time he poked his head out of his prophetic and self fulfilling bunker of self hate.

Karkat threw up the hand that was not currently being held hostage by John “Oh my fuCKING-”

John put a hand to Karkat’s mouth before the troll could go on a long-winded profanity riddled tirade. He smiled winningly at the aliens who were still watching them, most of whom now seemed more confused than hostile.

John turned back to Karkat and shrugged “Look people respond to how you treat them, ok? So sometimes all it takes is to treat them like they already like you, and then they DO.”

Karkat’s eyes widened, his mouth dropping open with awe. “....I feel like you just gave me the cheat code to people.” Karkat paused, his brows furrowing for a moment. “Wait what the fuck did you use that on ME?”

John waggled his eyebrows at him, turning to lead the troll further towards the entrance “Maybe.”

Karkat looked affronted “Motherf-”

John smiled at him, squeezing Karkat’s hand, giving him a wide smile over his shoulder “But let’s be real here, you already like me.”

Karkat sputtered, his cheeks turning red “I DIDN’T!-I DON’T! Y-YOU FUCKING-”

“Sure…” John teased him, a low amused chuckle, quiet enough that it seemed to be trapped in the air between them, almost unbearably intimate . “Sure….”

Karkat hated the way that John’s lips curved into an amused smile, but he hated himself more for wanting to lick it, press his lips against his and taste the sound of the human’s laughter on his tongue.

Was that a weird thought?

It was probably a weird thought.

Karkat decided that he should probably stop thinking of kissing when they were both going to die horrible deaths in a couple of moments.

They walked through the front doors of the Galaxy Costco. The inside of the space station was hollow, ring-like balconies banding down the length of the structure, going farther up and farther down than either of them could see in a way that made it look like it went on forever, a mobius strip of middle to low grade retail store. Elevators and escalators criss crossed the hollow center of the station like ant tunnels, colorful banners in unrecognizable languages from the escalators, making them look like neon chinese dragons. Each balcony ring was pocked with doors leading to a myriad of mismatched brightly colored stores, as if the space station had swallowed them up and integrated them into its being. Aliens bustled by each other, screaming, hissing, arguing. Something with four arms was manning a food vendor cart nearby, pressing some unfortunate wriggling piece of meat to the grill with a spatula, all while passing out bowls and kebabs to customers that crowded around the stall.

A gangly-looking thing wearing a vest was up at the front. They were a bright shade of bubble gum pink and looked moist to the touch with skinny hunched shoulders and the sort of bad posture that immediately identified them as a teenager despite their disparate species.

“Welcome to the Galaxy Costco.” the alien croaked out, waving at a couple of tentacled creatures who firmly ignored him. He turned to John and Karkat “Welcome to the galaxy AHHHH!”

The pink worker looked at Karkat, their shoulders hunched in fear. Their pupils constricting to an alarming “t” shape “AH! A THERE’S A TROLL IN THE COSTCO”

John waved cheerily at the worker “Hi! Can you tell me about today’s deals?”

“Darushkan marg-pies are now two for one. Marqueskan florgs are ten for one.” the worker answered automatically before shaking their head wildly “Wait no! What ARE you?”They demanded, pointing at John as their voice cracked “What is a TROLL doing here?”

“I’m a human!” John answered, shaking the alien’s sticky hand while they were too busy staring gob-smacked at Karkat “Do you have a coupon thingie?”

“Here.” The alien handed John a page of coupons on auto-pilot. “WAIT STOP DISTRACTING ME!” The alien turned to John, stamping a sneaker clad foot petulantly “TROLLS ARE A BLOODTHIRSTY GANG OF IMPERIALISTS AND ONE IS IN THE STORE RIGHT NOW!”

John flipped through the coupons with interest. “Well take a look at them, do they look like a bloodthirsty imperialist?”

The employee raised a finger “THEY-” they turned to Karkat, giving the troll a harsh look over, what John had originally assumed were black heads dotted across the ailen’s cheeks blinked, revealing themselves to be hundreds of tiny eyes “Well… no? They’re actually really short.”

Karkat put his hands on his hips “Hey! I’m not short! Both of you are just too tall!”

John looked at the alien over the coupon pages “Are they doing anything particularly bloodthirsty right now?”

The alien paused “....No…. they’re just sorta...standing there while getting redder.”

Karkat blushed under the scrutiny, crossing his arms defensively “NO I’M NOT!”

John smiled “Well then I guess it’s ok then!”

The worker sputtered “I uh, what if they-”

John shrugged, putting his hand amicably on the alien’s thin shoulder “This place has security right?”

The alien nodded “uh huh.”

John cocked his head “And fighting isn’t allowed right?”

The alien bit their bottom lip “...yeah….”

John smiled, putting out a hand “So I’ll make you a deal! The moment he does anything remotely blood thirsty we’ll leave! How does that sound?”

“I uh…” the worker stuttered “I guess so?”

“ARE YOU SERIOUS?” An alien woman that had been listening to the conversation thundered up to the group of them. They looked like a centaur if instead the horse part was replaced with a rhinoceros, tall and extremely muscular the woman was nearly twice John’s height as she loomed over him, her hands on her hips as she huffed out an angry breath through slitted nostrils “YOU’RE JUST GOING TO LET TROLLS IN HERE?”

John looked up at her placidly, a smile on his face. “That is a lovely necklace, where did you get it?”

The woman was taken off guard. She touched a thick hand to her neck “Oh it was on sale on floor 27, aisle 4 WAIT STOP DISTRACTING ME!”

John took out a pencil, beginning to write in the margins of the coupon book “Floor 27...aisle 4…” He repeated, writing down the directions. “I bet Rose would love that for her birthday. Oh! There’s even a coupon in here for it!”

“Fifty percent off! Sixty percent after rebate!” The centaur woman gushed, round knobby teeth on display as she smiled. She paused shaking her head seeming to recognize that she was being led off course “WAIT NO! GET THAT TROLL OUT OF HERE!”

“Why?” John asked, flipping through the coupon book some more. His complete nonchalance at the topic and the way he causally kept in Karkat’s space without showing a shred of fear seemed to change the mood towards Karkat. He put a hand on Karkat’s shoulder, showing him the ad “Hey Karkat what kind of donut is this? I think this is in modified Alternian.”

“Ringak.” Karkat answered back, squinting at the image “It’s a type of sweet bean grown on a moon somewhere.They use the paste as a filling for stuff. Also it’s not a donut, idiot.”

John shrugged, looking down at the picture “Well it looks like a donut.”

Karkat gave him a look “Well it’s NOT so-”

“WELL…” the centaur woman threw up one meaty hand in frustration, looking between John and Karkat as if the human just pulled a great white shark onto a boat and instead of being eaten, held it in their lap and petted it. “...THEY’RE A TROLL.”

John circled the ad for the alien donut “Isn’t this neutral territory?”

The centaur woman crossed her arms “IT IS BUT-”

John looked up at her “But what?”

The centaur woman huffed “THE TROLLS TOOK OVER HALF THE GALAXY! INCLUDING MY HOME PLANET!”

John blinked. “Really?” He looked over at Karkat who had been reading the coupon page over his shoulder. He pointed a finger at Karkat’s cheek and the troll batted his hand away “That one?”

The centaur woman gave Karkat a look, her lips thinning “Well… no…”

John smiled at her “Did you know the trolls got a new empress?”

The centaur woman paused, wringing her hands nervously, her once righteous fury melting to quiet unease “Yeah but…”

John gave her his full attention “I know that maybe this isn’t the best place to bring up the concerns you have about your planet, but I know that the new empress Feferi is trying to do right by the colonized planets and would be open to hearing from you. We have people who can record your concerns and pass them on to someone who can help better.”

The centaur woman paused “I…” She turned away, suddenly quiet, looking down at the tiny Karkat and back to John “that means a lot but…” She looked down at John tentatively, suddenly very aware of just how small John was compared to her. She sighed, looking away “Do you actually think they’ve changed?”

John gave her a smile “I know they have. I’m proof of it!”

The centaur woman looked intrigued.

John put a hand to his chest “My name is John Egbert and I’m the captain of the Starship Skaia where I command a crew of both trolls and humans. I have spoken to the new empress Feferi and I’ve heard her hopes for the future and her desire to do try and heal the damage her predecessor has wrought.” He touched the alien gently on the arm “What you’re feeling is understandable and you have every right not to trust Alternians on sight, but I truly believe that they are working to be better” he put a hand out “So what do you say? Give them a chance?”

“I…” The centaur woman blinked down at John “...ok…” She looked distrustfully down at John’s hand “Why is your hand out?”

John laughed “Oh! It’s a trust thing for my species! You shake it and it is a sort of way to seal a deal between two people!”

The centaur woman squinted down at his hand. She put on a pair of horn rimmed reading glasses and stooped low, capturing John’s hand in two enormous fingers. She wiggled John’s hand back and forth.

John laughed “Alright!” He put a hand to her forearm “Find me again before you finish up shopping and we can record a message to Empress Feferi if you’d like!”

The centaur woman smiled back at him. “Yes...I think I would like that.” She patted him gently on the head, looking down at him in an almost grandmotherly way. “Thank you little thing.”

John smiled at her “Anytime!”

The centaur woman gathered up her purse, smiling happily, absolutely transformed from the raging beast she had been only minutes before. She gave Karkat one last glare, pointing at her eyes and then at Karkat in the universal signal of “I’m watching you buster” before trotting contentedly away.  

Karkat stared at John like he just did the world’s most impressive magic trick. He was suddenly struck with the realization that although John was an absolute TWIT 99.99 percent of the time, that there was a really good reason that Feferi chose him to head this expedition. Compassion wasn’t exactly a trait the empire had wanted to inspire among its people, Feferi and her unconditional love of all things alive, very much so an outlier on Alternia, but it had a certain sort of magic.

She had poured though commanders of both species and among all of them she chose John.

And for the first time since starting this expedition Karkat realized why that had been a good idea.

John had suddenly transformed for moronic dingus, to master diplomat, right in front of Karkat’s eyes and he didn’t know how to feel about it. Karkat had considered John’s belief in the basic goodness of people a naivete, but John didn’t just believe in the goodness of people-

He helped bring it out.

John looked at someone and not only saw what was good in them but held up a mirror for them, helping them to see it for themselves and act on their better nature. All those months ago when Karkat had first met him, Karkat screaming at the human for the surprise party that had startled the trolls half to death when they first arrived.

John saw him, not as a screaming sweaty mutant with bad manners and unruly hair, but as someone who cared deeply about the welfare of their fellows and were willing to stand up for them.

John terrified Karkat because he looked past Karkat’s wall of self loathing, anger and rudeness and he saw something. He saw something Karkat himself couldn’t see under all the layers of self hate Karkat had meticulously constructed around himself.

He saw a leader. He saw a good person.

He saw a captain.

And standing next to John, the full force of John’s smile on him, looking at Karkat of all people as if he was something that mattered, something that was worth protecting, worth fighting for…

Karkat could almost see the him John saw, reflected clearly in those blue eyes.

John was-

John turned to Karkat, grinning from ear to ear. He shot Karkat two finger guns and a wink, making a sound effect with his mouth. “See? What did I tell ya Karkat?” He mimicked an explosion with his fingers “BOOM.”

...And there's the moronic dingus John again. Karkat rolled his eyes, grateful that his train of thought had been interrupted. “Oh fucking whatever John.” Karkat tried to steer himself back into something familiar with John, to be the stick in the mud to John’s golden retriever puppy. “They’ll just tear me apart the moment you’re not there to smile at them.”

John’s smile fell, his eyes turning sad as he looked over the troll. Karkat felt a punch to the gut at the expression he caused and wanted to kick himself for it. “Wait John I didn’t mean t-” Karkat tried to backtrack but was cut short by two hands coming to rest on his shoulders.

Karkat looked up at John who was smiling gently down at him. “Hey Karkat.” John whispered, kind but with an undercurrent of something Karkat couldn’t identify “Why don’t you hang around with me and Casey while we’re here? We could make a day of it.” John’s hands traveled from Karkat’s shoulders to gently cup either side of Karkat’s neck, like he was shielding him. “Please?” John added. His smile widened just a tad “You can come get alien donuts with us.”

Karkat was rooted to the spot, looking up at John, his mouth dry and his mutant blood rushing in his ears. He was grateful to the lifeline of a familiar topic John had given him or else he wouldn’t have been able to answer. “It’s not a fucking donut.” Karkat whispered breathlessly, swallowing awkwardly, John’s gaze keeping him trapped like a butterfly pinned to a cork board. “You goddamn goober.”

John laughed and Karkat wanted to curl up and make a nest in that sound. “We’ll see Karkat. We’ll see..”  


 

 

Eridan was loitering outside the door to the IT services office on the ship. Today was the day.

He was going to ask Roxy Lalonde out on a date.

Ever since that day a couple of months ago when Roxy showed him up at the shooting range, showing her skill at shooting and making a couple of saucy remarks, the little human had a permanent place of resident in his mind. Eridan realized he was naturally flirty, telling bad pick-up lines to just about everything that moved, earning him mostly eyerolls and slaps, but it was different with her, the thing about Roxy was-

She gave as good as she got.

“Hey beautiful.” A couple of weeks ago Eridan had spotted Roxy on his way to the cafeteria, half-way in an access panel as she fiddled with some wires. He leaned against the wall, smirking down at her, ogling the way that Roxy kept her uniform unzipped, showing her powder pink sports bra underneath “If I told you that you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?”

He had expected an eye roll, maybe a kick to the shin, but instead Roxy had leaned out of the access panel, a small smirk on her lips and one cocked eyebrow. “If I told you that I wanted to check out your ass...” She whispered huskily, her eyes half-mast. Monroe at her prime “...would you turn around and walk away?”

Eridan hadn’t known how to respond to that, so completely used to flirting but never once having it turned back on him. He simply pivoted on a heel, turned tail and ran, his cheeks completely purple, his heart pounding in his chest.

He heard Roxy sigh theatrically as he left “Too bad that cape is in the way!” He could hear her giggle as he ran faster.

 

Another time Eridan had been in the ship’s laundromat, one of the annoying side effects of being treated the same as any other crewmember meant that he had to lug his laundry there every week and do it himself. Like a heathen. However the sight of a sleepy-looking Roxy coming into the laundromat clad in a cute kitten themed night-shirt and short lacey sleep shorts just about made it all worth it.

Eridan smirked at her, watching her dump her load of laundry into the washer and fiddle with the settings. “I love the new fabric softener they’re stocking…” He remarked conversationally, folding one of his purple t-shirts. When Roxy had turned to look at him curiously, he caught her hand and put it to the collar of the shirt he was wearing. “Feel that?” He whispered, a small smirk on his face as he leaned down to whisper huskily in her ear “That’s boyfriend material right there.”

Instead of a hard slap or pushing him backwards into the washing machine Roxy had just hummed, seeming to consider his argument. She ran her hands across his chest, groping across his pectorals and down his front under the guise of feeling the material of his shirt, making Eridan squeak and purple color his cheeks.

“I don’t know…” Roxy hummed, looking up at him from under pale lashes “Feels clingy and high maintenance to me…” she raised her chin and smiled innocently. “These pants though…” She hooked two fingers in the front pockets of Eridan’s jeans and tugged slightly, using the grip as leverage for her to lean up to whisper breathlessly back at him  “I might like what's underneath THOSE.”

Eridan squeaked, running away from Roxy again, abandoning his laundry on the folding table of the laundromat. Come next morning the basket was outside his door, a little note on top.

“Nice dainties Eri-berry ;3 ~Roxy”

He had blushed so hard he swore he could feel the tips of his frills turning violet.

It seemed to be a game between them now. He told her a bad pick-up line, she gave him a teasing response. He ran away like an absolute coward to the sound of Roxy’s breathless little giggles that would bounce around in his skull for days. She was his undoing, his foil in both the best and absolute worst possible ways.

He had made sure that his uniform was impeccable, he was wearing his best cape, his scarf wrapped neatly around his shoulders and secured with a purple gem caravat. He checked out his profile in the semi-reflective white walls of the hallway, smoothing down his hair, leaning in to pick at something between his fangs.

There was a snigger from next to him in the hallway.

Sollux stood in the door to the IT services offices. His uniform was unzipped to the hips, the shoulders tied around his waist, a faded vintage “E.T” T-shirt on underneath that Roxy had given to him as a gift for his hatchday. He was holding a bumblebee coffee mug. “You’re thuch a vain ath dork.”

“Oh no…” Eridan whined sarcastically. He forgot Sollux worked here too. “Such a fuckin’ zinger, coming from the guy wwho is wwearing twwo different colored socks and sandals at the same freakin’ time.”

Sollux looked down at his feet, the red and blue socks peeking out from his sandals, a hole at the toe where one of the talons on his feet poked through. His brows furrowed “...what’s tho wrong with thocks and thandals?”

Eridan glared at him, his lip curled in disgust. “....wwhy do I even knoww you?”

Sollux rolled his eyes “More like why do I even know YOU. What are you even doing here?”

Eridan raised his chin. “For your information I’m here for Roxy.” He paused, fiddling nervously with the edge of his scarf “Do you ah… knoww wwhere she is?”

Sollux smiled at Eridan, slow and wide. “Don’t even try it.” He put a hand to his chest proudly “She happenth to be taken, thank you.”

Eridan stared at Sollux, absolutely aghast. “Wwhat? Wwhen?”

Sollux shrugged, looking down at his talons, feigning boredom “Oh you know when Nepeta wath on that thcary ath planet? There wath a lot of uh..pent up emotions between the two of uth, and she kithed me.” Sollux turned to grin at him “Full on the lipth, athhole.”

Eridan’s brows furrowed. He saw Roxy in the laundromat after the Nepeta incident, why didn’t she tell him she was-

“Hey Sollux?” Roxy’s voice sounded in the office behind Sollux. Eridan jumped back, pressing himself to the side of the hallway to keep her from seeing him.

Sollux turned back to face her, a smile on his face, his stance wide and cocky as he thought about showing off his relationship with her in front of Eridan “Yeth Rox?”

Roxy walked over to Sollux, fiddling with the cuffs of her uniform. She bit her lip, looking slightly away. “...hey can I talk to you?”

Sollux nodded, taking a sip of coffee from his bumblebee mug. “Thure thing Rox, anytime.”

Eridan couldn’t help but listen in, eavesdropping where he was pressed against the wall.

Roxy sighed “Look I did something kinda shitty to you, and I guess I’ve been side-stepping around this for a while, but some recent experience with some idiots have taught me that I should just be out and open about it.”

Sollux paused “what are you thaying?”

Roxy sighed, pushing her bangs out of her face “I kissed you without your permission and it was actually kinda shitty of me.”

Sollux was frozen in place “...what?”

Roxy crossed her arms, grimacing, not quite willing to meet his eyes. “It was a moment of high emotion and I feel bad about just suddenly springing it on you, I mean I kinda took advantage of you.”

Sollux sputtered, his cheeks turning yellow “Well I-I mean- you can totally-” he just knew his blush was reaching the tips of his ears.

Roxy rubbed the back of her neck awkwardly, looking at him through her lashes, a small hopeful smile on her face. “Does that mean... you forgive me?”

Sollux waved his hands out in front of him “NO!”

Roxy looked a little hurt, blinking rapid fire for a moment. “No?”

Sollux shook his head, waving his hands in front of him faster “NO! I MEAN YES! I MEAN NO NOT BECAUTH OF THE- I MEAN-” Trying to sputter out that she was absolutely allowed to kiss him any time she wanted 24/7, 7 days a week, but not quite managing it because of the kicked puppy look in Roxy’s eyes.

Eridan stepped out from where he had been pressed against the wall of the hallway, walking casually as if just coming on the scene. “Oh hey Roxy!” He smiled, looking past Sollux who’s face was now almost completely yellow and stricken with panic “Nice to see you!”

Roxy blinked, turning to face Eridan, the surprise evident on her face. “Oh! Hi Eridan!”

Eridan shrugged, doing his best to look casual, he rubbed the back of his neck. Roxy standing awkwardly between the two trolls. “Thank you for returning my laundry by the wway, that wwas really nice of you.”

Roxy huffed out a laugh. She looked back to Sollux for a moment, the troll completely yellow in the cheeks a hand clamped over his mouth as he looked away. “Lol. no biggie.”

Eridan looked down at her, his smile turning mischievous. “Say I wwonder… since the first shirt you sampled didn’t seem to cut it, did you find any boyfriend material in there?”

Roxy giggled, for once her turn to be taken off guard during their encounters, putting a hand up to suppress a snort. She cocked a shoulder and gave Eridan a pout, trying to make Eridan squeak and level the playing field again. “No…” She smiled innocently “I may have to do a more… thorough exploration of your clothes.”

Sollux looked absolutely mortified, his head whipping back and forth between Roxy and Eridan, eyes wide as saucers.

Eridan laughed, his cheeks coloring with violet. He didn’t squeak but Roxy decided it was a victory anyways. “Wwell you’re more than wwelcome to, but first I wwas hoping to explore the new space station wwith me.” He smiled and shrugged, hoping he seemed casual and friendly. “They’re recommending an even amount of trolls and humans and you’re the first one I thought of.”

Roxy put a hand to her chest “A Noah’s ark kinda shit huh? Two by two? Traipsing around through an alien costco?” She winked at him, the gesture over done like a 1950’s starlet, enough to get another laugh out of Eridan she wagered. “You sure do know how to treat a lady right.”

Eridan laughed. Roxy mentally put another tally on her end of the scoreboard. Boom bitch, Eridan may have recouped a couple of points back there, but Roxy will always win this game. “Yeah I know not the classiest, but It’s sure to be interesting.” He gave her a wink. “I’ll take you someplace five star next time.”

Roxy snorted. “Yeah sure, let’s find some trouble, Eri berry”

Eridan extended an elbow to Roxy over dramatically, like she was a classy victorian lady and he was her escort. “M’Roxy.” He bowed low to her, willing to make an absolute ass out of himself if it got her to laugh.

It worked. Roxy laughed and put her hand on the inside of his elbow. “Why lord Eridan! What lovely manners!”

Roxy looked back to Sollux for a moment, giving him a slight shrug, her eyes going sad for a moment. ‘Talk about this later?’ she mouthed and Sollux nodded dumbly.

Sollux watched as Eridan led her down the hallway arm in arm, Roxy laughing at another one of Eridan’s cheesy lines. Eridan took a moment to smirk over his shoulder at Sollux as they left, subtly flipping Sollux the bird behind his back.

Sollux’s lip curled in anger “That abtholute bathtard.”  
  


 

Kanaya walked down the hallway of the Starship Skaia, she was wearing sunglasses, a tasteful black dress, and a look of utter determination. Her purse and a bouquet of roses under an arm. Her heart beat staccato, her eyes burned with purpose. She was a woman with a plan that will not be derailed, will not be sidelined or waylaid.

Kanaya Maryam, Jade blood of the Alternian empire and oxygen factory technician aboard the Starship Skaia, will ask Rose Lalonde to be her wife.

Kanaya thinks about her Rose. The way her human was this morning, her mop of blonde hair on the pillow next to Kanaya’s, her breath quiet and peaceful, and Kanaya knew that the only way she ever wanted to wake up would be next to Rose Lalonde.

Throngs of trolls and humans were crowding the halls of the Starship Skaia, chatting excitedly amongst themselves as they moved away from the engineering section towards the exit of the ship. The interspecies mob excited for shore leave aboard The Galaxy Costco. Kanaya forced her way past them, towards Equius’s workshop.

Kanaya opened the door, kicking some dirty piece of scrap metal on the floor away delicately with a heel. Equius was at his work bench, a welder’s helmet over his head as he soldered something minuscule, dwarfed in his large fingers.

Kanaya bit her bottom lip. There it was in Equius’s hands, the final piece of the puzzle.

Equius flipped up his welder’s helmet, looking critically down at the tiny piece of metal in his hands. It was one of the few times Kanaya had ever seen him without his sunglasses, the dark smudges under his eyes.

“Is that it?” Kanaya whispered eagerly.

Equius turned to her, picking up his glasses from the workbench and putting them on. “Yes, I have completed it to your exact specifications, though the last piece you will have to obtain yourself.” He looked at the little silver ring in his palm, a delicate piece of filigree depicting tiny vines, intricate furls and spirals, coming together in the middle where little silver rose petals were protecting what was for now, an empty space. Equius frowned down at it. “Forgive me but I don’t carry an assortment of gems, mayhaps you can trade Eridan for one, or find one for purchase on the uh...Costco was it?”

Kanaya took the ring from Equius’s giant hand, turning the elegant little piece of silver over in her claws, wondering how someone with fingers as large as Equius’s could produce something so dainty. “It’s perfect.” Kanaya breathed.

Equius flushed for a moment, pleased that his work was being appreciated.

Kanaya handed him a small book from her purse. “Here, it’s a procedural on human courting.”

Equius accepted the little book, dwarfed by his massive hands. The cover read “1879 Harper’s Bazaar.”

Kanaya smiled “The section on gifts for human females had proved incredibly useful! Flowers, fruit and candy are all listed as acceptable items and Rose has loved all of their suggestions thus far.”

Equius hummed in interest, the cover depicted a posh looking human in a large top hat escorting a human woman in a large puffy dress. “1879, how long ago was that for humans on their time?”

Kanaya shrugged “Only about two hundred years ago.”

Equius hummed. On Alternia where highbloods lived to the thousands that was practically current. Equius had technical manuals older than that. “Thank you miss Kanaya.”

Kanaya began to walk out of the engineering section, the silver ring heavy with purpose in her hand. She was halfway out the door when she remembered the flowers. “Oh wait Equius, I’m sorry these are also for you.”

Equius rose to meet her, the little book in his hands. “Oh yes! How could we forget?”

Kanaya looked down to the flowers and shrugged “Yes but as I said before regarding your choice of color, Red roses are for romance exclusively, while orange roses show excitement and passion as well as love, they aren’t as… traditionally romantic as the red.”

Equius took the roses from Kanaya, cradling them in his arms and looking down at them with a small smile. “Yes well…” He touched an orange blossom delicately. “They’re more him.” he answered quietly.

Kanaya smiled, oh yes, Equius was very much so in love. It suited him. Kanaya had never liked Equius really, most of what she knew about him was second-hand knowledge, mostly about horses, sweat and poor fashion choices. Though seeing him now, Kanaya’s opinion of him was slowly starting to change. “You know, you may be a sweaty barbarian who wears socks with sandals…”

Equius looked up to look at her, his mouth pressed into a harsh line.

“...But I’m rooting for you.” Kanaya finished quietly, a small smile on her face. She turned and began to walk back down the hallway. “Good luck!”

Equius smiled, nodding back to her “Yes! And to you as well!”

Equius ducked back into the workshop, cracking open the tiny booklet and leafing towards the section that read “For gentlemen” in script so loopy and fine that it bordered on the pompous and ridiculous.

_‘Gentlemen do not care for the petty trifles and decorations that delight the ladies; and for the necessities, they are apt to go and buy anything that is of convenience as soon as it is discovered. Therefore this publication recommends for the gentleman caller, the giftings of items such as smoking caps, sleeping hats and tobacco pouches for the discerning gentleman suitor’_

Equius paused, sweat beginning to bead at his hairline nervously. Why are there so many hats? Has he ever seen Dirk wear a hat? What the FIDDLESTICKS is a smoking cap?

  
  


Dirk kinda wanted to curl up in a corner and die. He had been walking to his and Equius’s shared workshop, rounding the corner to the shop, when he had seen a troll woman come out the door. Dirk had flattened himself to the wall to keep her from seeing him.

She was tall and pretty, dressed in a stylish way that Dirk had never been able to master. She handed Equius a bouquet of roses with a small smile, Equius smiling gently down at the blooms in a way that made Dirk’s heart crack in two. They had talked for a moment and the woman had left in the opposite direction, her dress swaying prettily around her long legs.

Dirk banged his head against the smooth wall of the hallway.

She was pretty, really, really pretty. Had Dirk fallen in love with a straight guy? Dirk quietly began to tally evidence in his head. Didn’t Equius tell him that his first love had been a troll girl? Aradia? However there were the metal penises Equius had hung up in their shared workshop space, Christmas lights still wrapped around them and a little sign hung from one that said “Welcome to Dirk and Equius’s workshop”. Though Equius did say that is was a “purely artistic appreciation”, but come on. Wait he’s also an alien so maybe that’s different? Dirk banged his head just a tad harder, hoping slightly for brain damage. He felt stupid, irrevocable irredeemably stupid.

Fuck.

“Hi Dirk!” A cheerful little chirp sounded in the hallway and Dirk cursed his bad timing.

“...hi Nepeta…” Dirk sighed. He liked Nepeta, and being close with Equius meant that he had developed a sort of half friendship with her over the years they had been on the ship, but looking at her right now made him think of Equius, bile rising to the back of his throat.

Dirk shook his head. It wasn’t Nepeta’s fault that Dirk was stupid and fell in love with her moirail. Would she blame him for this mess? For pushing himself on Equius? For reading too much into what had happened between the two of them? He had a sudden horrible vision of Nepeta looking up at him, her cute button nose wrinkled in disgust and her brows furrowed.

He forced himself to look at her, managing to crack what he hoped was a friendly smile. “What’s up?”

Nepeta grimaced at him. “...What the furk are you doing with your face? Mew look like someone just punched you in the soul.”

Dirk straightened himself out, coughing into a fist, grateful to his sunglasses for hiding the fact that that there were tears in his eyes. He shoved his hands into his pockets. “Haha something like that.”

Nepeta stared back at him, deciding based on the look on Dirk’s face, that super romance meddle fun time needed to happen now. She needed a reason to stay with Dirk long enough to slowly coax him back with Equius.

Nepeta made a calculated decision.

She sidled up to Dirk, looking up at him with big eyes. “Dirk? Will mew go with me to the Costco?” she put her hands up pleadingly “pretty please with a cherry on top!”

Dirk didn’t need this in his life. His lips pressed into a hard line. “...Why don’t you ask Roxy? I’m sure she would love to go with you.”

Nepeta pouted “She’s going with Eridan.” She batted her eyes, looking up at Dirk sadly “PUH-LEASE?? You’re the only other Mewman I know!”

Dirk looked down at her wide eyes. “...ok..”

Nepeta pumped her fists “Yay!” She took his hand, pulling him down the hallway “Don’t worry Dirky-poo!” she giggled “I’m sure whatever is bothering you will work itself out soon!”

Nepeta took out her communications device and began to text Roxy.  
  


 

Dave and Terezi were given an important task. John and Karkat had worked it out with the management that trolls were allowed as long as they behaved. Therefore in order to stop an inter-galactic incident, It was Dave and Terezi’s job to keep the trolls and humans that left the ship on their best behavior.

Dave stood on a seguey next to Terezi, chewing on a toothpick as he surveyed the trolls and humans walking off the ship, tracking their PCDs on the tablet in his hands.

Dave chewed his toothpick thoughtfully his aviator shades reflecting back the sea of faces. Terezi was on her own seguey, a fake mustache pasted to her upper lip for the occasion, a coffee cup in her hands.

“I’m going full on Paul Blart mall cop.” Dave announced, revving the tiny engine of his seguey “What do you say partner?”

Terezi nodded, drinking the last of her coffee (it was actually hot cocoa but knowing that would ruin the grisled cop effect) before crushing her paper cup and throwing it expertly in a nearby trash can. She smacked a fist into an open palm. “These civilians won’t DARE misbehave with us on the case.”

Vriska walked by the both of them, her hands behind her back and a shit eating grin on her face. “Sup nerds.”

Terezi perked up, giving the other troll a wide toothy smile and a wave. “Hey Vris!”

“She-devil.” Dave greeted over the rim of his own coffee cup.

“Anyways…” Vriska began to saunter into the store, her eyes looking appraisingly across the many colorful stores. Fruit low on the vine and ready to pick. “I’m off to steal everything that isn’t nailed down.”

Dave and Terezi shared a look.

“Try and catch me fuck-os!” Vriska cackled as she ran into the store, melting into the crowd of aliens.

Terezi grinned after her, sharp-toothed and manic. She revved her seguey, flipping a switch that turned on a tiny flashing red light. “Oh it’s fucking on.”  
  


 

Tavros was in a clothing store, he had lost the human he had come in with pretty quickly, but he didn’t mind. Jade had become distracted pretty quickly and had veered off ahead without him. He would probably find her eventually though. He was trying to find a shirt that would fit him, a particular challenge of his. Usually his shirts had to be wriggled in from below or have snaps at the tops of his shoulders.

The store was extremely messy. Something with a multitude of tentacles dug through the piles of shirts around him, throwing them to the side before getting frustrated and leaving with a huff, the shirts still thrown everywhere in the store.

Tavros rolled his eyes. Some people.

He picked up the shirts, folding one and putting it away, folding one and putting it away-

“Excuse me?” Something that looked like a giant chicken with a lacey apron tied around their hips peered kindly down at Tavros. “Do you know where egg cozies are?”

Tavros did know where egg cozies were, he passed them coming to the shirts section. He smiled at her. “Aisle four.”

The chicken smiled back at him. “Thank you young man!”

Tavros shrugged, continuing to fold.

“Hey you!” Something like a snake with four arms arms slithered towards him, holding up a shirt “Do you have this is a larger size?”

Oh! Tavros just folded something like that. He looked in the pile of folded shirts he had. “Here you go!”

The reptilian thing smiled. “Thanks!”

Tavros went back to folding. That was weird.

Something tugged on his pants leg. “Excuse me?” a little fluffy alien with wide-set eyes looked up at Tavros. “Do you know where the bathroom is?”

Tavors shook his head. “...uh I don’t actually.”

The little thing scowled up at him “Then what kind of employee are you?” They huffed and marched away. “Doesn’t know where the bathroom is? puh!”

Tavros stared after them, his brows furrowed. Employee?

Something like a marshmallow blob wearing a scowl and a name tag thundered down the aisle. “YOU!” The thing screamed, pointing a globular finger at Tavros “NEW GUY!”

Tavros squeaked. “W-what?”

The alien trudged into Tavros’s space, glaring down at him, blobs of sticky material dripping off of them only to slither across the floor and rejoin their body. “WHY AREN’T YOU WEARING YOUR NAME TAG?”

Tavros began to sweat “I’m not- I don’t I-

The thing only rolled their beady eyes, like raisins set into unbaked dough. “UGH. NEW HIRES ARE ALWAYS USELESS.” It grabbed Tavros’s wrist, their dough-like hand enveloping Tavros’s and beginning to creep up his arm as he dragged Tavros through the aisle. “COME ON. WE NEED YOU AT THE REGISTER!”

Tavros yelped as he was dragged away, accidentally knocking over the pile of shirts he had folded.  
  


 

Jade was completely lost but she didn’t care. She had lost Tavros a while back and while she did have the nagging thought that she should go back and look for him, there was always something new to measure, observe, taste or witness around every corner.

She was currently kneeling on the floor of The Galaxy Costco, a measuring tape in her hand as she looked up at the alien she had met in the food court. Jade took another bite of something she had thought was a corndog but wasn’t… it really wasn’t but hell if she’s not going to finish food she already bought.

“So.” Jade remarked, taking another bite of the ‘corndog’ as the thing was trying to shy away from her teeth. “Would you say that you’re aquatic?”

The thing didn’t really have a face. It looked like the trunk of a tree if it were completely symmetrical, the skin smooth like shark scales. Tentacles connected their body to the floor. The creature raised an appendage, lights coming to life under the tentacle, strobing colors that slid up and down the length of the appendage before suddenly going dark.

The translator beeped in Jade’s hands, having adapted to the new mode of communication.

“Lol.” The thing had said “Does liquid mercury count?”

Jade sucked in an excited breath, she had so many questions and-

“Come one! Come all!” A tiny reedy voice called from the other side of the food court. "Come see the exotic wonders of the far space!"

Jade looked past her new friend, wandering over to where the voice was coming from. A raggedy little booth was off to the side, covered in red patterned fabric and draped with beads, glowing slightly from within.

Jade squinted at the fabric on the booth. There was something...familiar about it? She leaned in scratching off a piece of dirt and brushing aside some beads and-

Was that Mickey Mouse?

“FOOL!” A tiny clawed green hand pointed up at Jade. Her eyes traveled down to see a little green alien, only tall enough to reach her middle, large red bug eyes and antennae. “HOW DARE YOU TOUCH THE EXOTIC TAPESTRY THAT I, NAJIIT, EXPLORER OF THE DEEP SPACES, HAS PROCURED FROM LANDS UNKNOWN?”

Jade looked down at the tiny alien. Two tamagotchis were hung from either of their antennae like large earrings. They wore a hello kitty blanket around their shoulders and a mismatched pair of crocs.

Jade couldn’t help but snort. “Ah yes, I was just ah… admiring your collection.”

The little alien seemed a little less angry at this “Ah yes, Najiit has the best wares, from most exotic of places. Tell me-” The alien dug in the little stall for a moment “Has a dirt child such as you seen something as magnificent as…. THIS?”

The little alien whipped out a big mouth novelty bass, pressing the button underneath. The plastic fish came to life, their animatronic mouth moving as the fish began to sing.

“Here’s a little song I wrote, you might wanna sing it note for note, don’t worry, be happy, don’t worry be happy now-”

Najiit stared at the big mouth bass, their red eyes wide, running a clawed hand reverently across the plastic fish. “Such wise words from the fish.”

Jade was trying her best not to laugh, she really was-

There was a low “moo” from inside the tent. Jade perked up. “Wait…” She looked down at the creature. “Is that a…”

Najiit smiled at her, needle-sharp teeth crowding the inside of their mouth. “Ah...I see that you are truly one who wishes to know the most exotic secrets of the universe!” The alien took a hold of the flap of the tent. “BEHOLD!”

Inside the tent there was the most adorable cow Jade had ever seen. It was chewing on some sort of alien dried leaves, looking back at Jade boredly. “Moo.”

Jade’s eyes widened. They had been on the ship for two years. Due to the pressures of keeping things fresh in space they either grew or synthesized all of their food, which meant that Jade hadn’t eaten real fresh dairy for over two years.

Jade turned to the seller, her eyes alight with fury. “HOW MUCH FOR THE COW?”

Najiit smiled, clicking their taloned fingers together. “Ah… so the dirt child desires the moo beast? Therefore the dirt child wishes to buy the moo-beast, yes? Such a rare beast.... A jewel of Najiit’s collection…” Their red eyes narrowed, their sharp teeth highlighted by the gentle glow of the tamagotchi screens hung from either antennae “...how much are you willing to give Najiit?”  
  


 

“So…” Nepeta prodded Dirk, pretending to look through a display of sunglasses at a store, most of which were outfitted for a number of eyes other than two. “...What’s got fur panties inna twist?”

Dirk sipped morosely on a slushie he had bought from the food court. It was some sort of alien fruit flavor that tasted like mango and bacon. He didn’t want to explain to Nepeta what had happened. “Nep, are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”

Nepeta rolled her eyes.

Something chirped on Dirk’s tablet. Dirk pulled it out from a pocket, grateful for the distraction. He opened up the messenger app and-

“Oh fuck.” Dirk paled, his shoulders tensing.

Nepeta paused “What? What is it?”

Dirk’s eyes widened “It’s a distress signal from Felicia 26!” He began to run out of the store, panic in his eyes. Nepeta followed him.  


 

Felicia 26 booped timidly, backing up until she hit a wall outside The Galaxy Costco. Three bug-like aliens with sharp jagged plating and two sets of arms surrounded the bot. They flexted their sharp talons at her, fluffing out their jagged plating.

“CRAAAAAACK-K-K-K THE EG-G-G-G!” The first one growled, their mandibles unfolding as they hit a piece of rebar into an open hand.

“YE-S-S-S-S BROTHER-R-R-R” The second one trilled, the pupils on their yellow eyes narrowed to slits “THEN EAT-T-T T THE EG-G-G-G!”

“REVENGE!” hissed the third, bristling slightly. “REVENGE!!!!”

Dirk ran through the parking lot, tracking Felicia 26’s location. He growled at the aliens that were crowding around his droid. “HEY ASSHOLES!” He yelled, engaging his PCD, a glowing katana forming in his hands. “LEAVE MY ROBOT ALONE!”

The bug aliens hissed. One of the group pointed an accusatory talon at Dirk “THIS YOUR EGG?”

Nepeta caught up to Dirk, swearing quietly to herself when she saw the bug aliens, engaging her own PCD hurriedly, glowing claws forming on her fingers.

“YES IT’S MY EGG.” Dirk shouted back, readying himself for an attack. “SO LET HER GO!”

“INEXCUSABLE!” Another one of the bugs screeched.

Dirk’s eyes narrowed behind his glasses “I’m not going to ask you again!”

The leader of the group looked at Dirk, a snarl on their face as they rose to their true height, they had been hunched like a madagascar cockroach, but now they towered over Dirk, their backwards legs unfolding. “BLOOD FOR BLOOD-D-D-D! WHEN YOUR FELLOW TAKES YOUR ARM! TAKE TWO OF THEIRS! THERE IS DEBT TO BE PAID! DEBT!”

Dirk glared at him. “What DEBT?”

The second one pointed at their ship, a vulture-like many jointed monstrosity with a couple of long scratches along the side. “THE EGG!” They hissed “THE EGG RUIN GRACKAN’S PAINT JOB!”

Dirk looked from them back to the ship. “Is that it? I’ll pay for a new paint job you don’t have to smash my robot!”

The leader glared down at Dirk. “YOUR OFFER IS NOBLE SMALL FLESH WARRIOR, BUT THIS IS A MATTER OF HONOR!” The leader clenched a fist. “THERE IS BUT ONE WAY TO SETTLE THIS!!”

“ONE WAY!” The second bug hissed, joining their brother’s side and unfurling “ONE WAY!”

Dirk hissed, looking back at Nepeta for a moment. Nepeta nodded, silently agreeing to help with whatever it was. Dirk looked back at the aliens. “What way?”

“COMBAT!” The leader screamed “ROBOT COMBAT IN THE GALAXY COSTCO BATTLE ARENA!”

Dirk looked up at them with horror “No way! I’m not going to put Felicia in the fight!”

“Oh no they have battle bots for you to use.” the third one added quietly. Clicking their talons together quietly “It’s been a while since we’ve b-b-bbattled someone not each other.”

Dirk looked back at the third brother. “....wait what?”

“IT IS SETTLED THEN!” The leader hissed and slapped Dirk roughly on the back. “WE SHALL SETTLE THIS WITH GLORIOUS COMBAT-T-T!!!”

Dirk looked to Nepeta. Nepeta shrugged, smiling back at him. “Hey Dirk.” She whispered “Let’s kick their furking ass.”

Dirk smiled.  


 

 

John tightened the fanny pack around his waist. He stood at the mouth of the Starship Skaia, Karkat next to them as they looked out at the Galaxy Costco. John turned to look at Karkat a smile on his face “Ready to go?”

Karkat rolled his eyes. He sighed, squaring his shoulders “As ready as I ever will.”

John bumped shoulders with him. “It’s not going to be that bad.”

Karkat gave him a look. He looked like he was going to say something but-

“DAD!” Casey ran down the ramp of the Starship Skaia, her hair up in pigtails and wearing jean overall shorts. She had her bunny in one hand. “DON’T GO WITHOUT ME!”

John laughed, looking down at the little girl fondly. “Wouldn’t dream of it!”

Casey tucked her bunny into the front pocket of her overalls. She put took her father’s hand. “What do you think we’ll find?”

John shrugged, tugging her hand playfully. “Whatever it is, it’s gonna be something COOL.”

Karkat was enjoying the smile on John’s face and the way he looked down at his daughter when he felt a tiny hand worm into his.

Karkat looked down, surprised to find a tiny pink hand in his own.

Casey looked up at him with a smile on her face. Each of her little hands holding either John’s or Karkat’s. “Come on mister Karkat!” Casey gushed. “Help dad swing me!”

Karkat looked to John, one eyebrow arched in confusion.

John’s cheeks colored slightly. “Me and Rose used to do it, we’re taller so if you clench your arm she can swing between us.”

Karkat pulled Casey up, John matching on the other side. Casey giggled and kicked her little feet.

John looked across at Karkat, a small smile on his face. He turned back to his daughter. “Ok Casey Wasey! Hold on tight!”

Casey laughed as she was held between the both of them, all three walking down the ramp and towards the Galaxy Costco.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey folks! don't forget to comment! Comments help keep this gal motivated and writing! Tell me what you liked! Favorite parts! Times that you giggled! Ask me questions that you have! I love each and every freakin' comment you have no idea <3
> 
> I love hearing from y'all and this arc is a long time coming, it's something I've had planned since the very beginning of this fic! There is so much that is happening and so much that is GOING TO HAPPEN and I am just so excited that you will be able to see it come together! AHHH!!!
> 
> It's this arc and then we get the BIG adventure and then the BIGGER FINALE and I can't wait oh my GOD.

**Author's Note:**

> Howdy! nothing shippy yet but it's just the first chapter! Hope to update soon!


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